Why does he speak to me like this?

This plus

It's my house. He has nowhere himself

plus the negative attitude you suffer from him regularly should urge you to get him out of your home and out of your life. I'm sure you'll hurt for a while and miss the times he behaved as a decent human being, but then you'll remember the other side of him and move on with your life without him in it. Make the decision OP, tell him clearly that this no longer works for you and you want him to leave (in the very shortest possible timeframe). Let him move back to his mother. 🌹

By ‘who cares’ I mean stop the handwringing analysing his behaviour choices. His housing is his problem to solve. Remove him from your property, don’t give it a second thought. No argument needed.

Do you have supportive friends and/or family? Could you discuss this episode with them? Do you really want to walk on eggshells round him whilst he lives in your house?
I would LTB, personally!
For many years I have lived on my own with a cat. Love it!
Perhaps see if he would accept couple counselling if you really want to continue living with him.
I really hope things improve for you, one way or the other.

Who is he? Just a boyfriend using you for accommodation? Just boot him out, who cares.

Because he is a shit, chuck him out!

Agree.

Nothing like MN to read posters bend themselves out of shape to excuse atrocious treatment by men.🙄

The poor misunderstood men that are only expressing themselves with their nasty poisonous belittling comments towards their confused, unsympathetic wimmin, who should anticipate their every need and emotion🙄.

Give me strength 🙄.

30 years married and my husband has never once felt the need to be nasty towards me, nor me him.

Men are not a project to fix nor understand.🙄

He speaks to you like this because he can.

He knows you have zero self respect for yourself.

If you did, you certainly wouldn't tolerate this in YOUR home.🙄

He neither likes nor cares for you, but you are convenient to his housing needs.

His deep contempt from you simmers to the surface constantly in the way he speaks to, but you keep taking it.

Stop focusing on why? and whats wrong with him?

He's a horrible nasty person who has landed on his feet with a mug.

He has zero Loyalty to you.

You should get some counselling to figure out why you think all you deserve is to be used by a nasty man for housing.

If you can find an ounce of respect for yourself, tell him to pack his bags.

He's the type of loser that would make a claim on your house if he could.

You are nothing but a convenience to bully, like a sport.

Wake up.

You deserve better, or peace in your home.

Get him out.

Firstly, I wouldn't have made a snack and excluded the person I was with, whoever that was. I'd have included them or offered to include them when I got up to get it. It's rude and selfish not to.

Secondly, if someone had called me out on not including them and called me greedy, I'd say "well here's the cheese and biscuits, what's stopping you having one"? I may have added a "fat bastard" depending on how annoyed I was.

And then that would be the end of it.

I would accept that I was a bit selfish for scoffing the food without including the person I was with, they would be vindicated because they would have got some of the snack and told me off for my thoughtlessness.

And then we move on.

With the cat food, if it was fresh I might be cross that it went in the bin before cat had had time to change its mind. So I would have said to leave it and not throw it away yet. This may be perceived as criticism depending on the way I said it. Tone is important. More important than the actual words said.

The point I'm making is that you're both quite reactive with each other and you're holding grudges (not sure how long he festers on the criticism he gets from you).

Is this a newish relationship because most long term ones have a few barbs flying back and forth but the intimacy means they don't embed? People aren't perfect and there's a lot of talk here about his reactions but you're holding this criticism of being greedy and not including him and have made a Mumsnet post about something that a lot of people wouldn't give a second thought about.

Would you say that you're a little sensitive to being criticised too?

‘Nowhere to go’…? He’s only got ‘nowhere to go’ because he hasn’t started looking for a place to rent yet, or a hotel to stay in while he looks.

He earns enough for rent: therefore he has somewhere to go.

OP, if you don’t want to break up with him, and if this is the relationship for you, that’s up to you.

But don’t say he has ‘nowhere to go’.

@NoTouch and @dickheed have nailed it I think. It sounds like both the communication and the relationship itself are pretty bad. Sitting down with the cheese board on your lap instead of on a table or whatever between you was a pretty clear “this is mine” message. His response was disproportionate and nasty.

As April noted, the story also changed from having had dinner to not having had dinner (and it was his fault). In a healthy relationship it wouldn’t be necessary to edit or revise things to try to make yourself feel more valid because a healthy relationship isn’t about score keeping or being right. It shows how far things have degraded.

Thankfully since it is your house it sounds like you can get him out relatively easily. Tell him to get lost and find someone who isn’t nasty and who you are more compatible with in terms of communication. Life is too short for bad relationships.

You can't change him
He doesn't care what you think or want
Single life is underrated Try it

He speaks to you like this because you tolerate it.

Bin him. I think you will be much happier without him.

I agrée and that’s often the case on here.

People who haven’t been married to a dick like this want to find the middle way.

Others who’ve been in relationships that are similar recognise the type - nit picking at you (bot the other way around), not letting you feel relaxed in your own home etc

He sounds like an absolute dick.

Added to it that he lives in your house - kick him out!

It'd be interesting to know how he behaves with other people. Is he the same? If yes, at least you'll know its not just you that he doesn't respect.

Relationships aren't supposed to be combative.

In your OP, you said you had already had dinner. And then you went to get yourself a snack. So you seem to be conveniently changing the story now. But yes if he regularly gets up to get himself something and not offer you, that is pretty poor behaviour from him, but that is not what you have said previously.

I would consider myself to have a fairly normal relationship and if I were going to get myself a snack or a drink I would ask him if he wanted anything, likewise if he were going to get a snack or drink he would ask me. I thought that was normal, if isn’t hard.

He is an asshole.
I think the snack incident shows how unhealthy the relationship is. I get what you are saying that he could have just asked for some but you went to the kitchen, made the snack, came back and sat with it on a board on your lap. If that was a healthy relationship you would have asked him if he wanted some, made extra and put it on a table between you, or even if you'd put it on your lap, offered it to him etc. In a healthy relationship people would normally ask the other person if they want a drink if they are boiling the kettle for their own, but he just makes his own drinks.
And nobody would be snapping at people and calling them greedy!

The pet food thing. The "Oh that's a shame" is something that upsets me when I've had to do something that wasn't ideal and maybe not been particularly happy about having to do it. I find the "oh that's a shame" to be quite critical, even though rationally I know the majority of people don't use it as a criticism. I don't know why that phrase triggers me, but it does. I think because I have an aunty who uses it at me all the time and she is definitely criticizing. You weren't of course. But for me, and maybe your OP too, we hear it differently. I accept that is 100% my problem and I have never snapped back at anyone about it, but it really does set me off into self doubt about whether I should have made a different decision.
He is a complete and utter knob to snap back at you though.

I think this relationship isn't happy and these are just two of many examples and you might want to think about whether you would be happy without this in your life.

Crikey OP, I could have written this myself - except my partner is now my ex thankfully.

I think he genuinely enjoyed making himself the victim in every scenario. He could never just agree that something was a bit rubbish, had to take offence like I'd personally attacked him.

Happy to say several months on and being single is much, much easier!!

Folk with normal husbands don’t understand.

I totally get you. My DH does this. I frequently edit myself. It’s so fucking depressing…

If dh had brought in a board of cheese and biscuits, put on his lap, made up a biscuit and started chomping into it I would be a bit 🤔 too.

I would have said to dh do you fancy cheese and biscuits? Then when I brought it in I would have said I've got some of that cheddar and water biscuits, do you want yours over there or share on the board, rather than just digging in myself and ignoring him. He would have done the same if he was getting the snack.

The cat food sounds like he thought you were criticising him for making the decision to put the food in the bin rather than it is a shame the cat didn't like it, but he could have clarified what you meant.

Sounds like you both have communication problems, not just him. Just because his reaction the miscommunication is to be pissed off and your reaction is to play wounded doesn't mean it is only him who is causing the issues.

You either both want the relationship enough to be honest and make an effort, or accept you are simply not compatible.

Tbh I would have said to my DH “do you fancy some cheese and biscuits?” Rather than just going to get some for myself.

DP and I were guilty of snapping at each other assuming the other person was making a negative comment rather than an innocuous one and then having a row because the other person had snapped. Usual because one of us was knackered or stressed or whatever and the rest of the time it was fine.

We made a conscious but small effort to assume the other person was being nice and normal - which we were! - and problem solved.

If he’s not willing to bother with your relationship and is just a nasty bastard it’s time to go, he won’t magically not be a nasty bastard. And having been there fuck me it’s sad and exhausting and lonely.

How old are you both and how long together? Does he have any good qualities that make him worth keeping around?

My opinion: people do do this because when don’t feel good about themselves. He’s taking that and all of life’s stress out on you.

Next time he says something crappy, you could try to laugh and make a joke of it. Because it really isn’t about you. Like, you are greedy for not offering him biscuits, but he just threw away a perfectly good cat food snack without offering it. Or whatever, just try to take control and lighten the mood.

Sorry - didn't mean to have any of that crossed out. They were supposed to be dashes.