Friend’s 40th dinner!!

How would you have felt if she hadn't invited you?

@GCalltheway could you just drop a shoulder and go away for the weekend so you've a genuine excuse to miss it? Just send flowers and a card on the day...

I am also one of life’s overthinkers, although more on work and myself than friendships.

This ex-friendship is causing you pain, you are both behaving like teenagers (we all do in some area of our lives).

Don’t go, write her a jolly note saying unfortunately you are away for the weekend (and use it as an op to book a weekend away) so you don’t feel she has one over on you.

Send her a jolly text on her birthday (if you have mutual friends so you can’t entirely avoid her presence in the corner of your life), and then move her firmly in the category of that woman you were friends with year ago.

Don’t engage with her any more. If you happen to run into her be breezy, jolly and terribly busy. If you ever get stuck with her at a mutual mates party, nice bomb her in an impersonal way as you would a girlfriend of your brothers you don’t think will last.

Careful about what exactly? What are the actual consequences of you going or not going? It sounds like you need to care a lot less about what others think of you.

Well you are certain that you have to careful but many of us do not live life this way, we are free of this anxiety.

I personally think creating all the drama about needing to meet first etc. is more embarrassing.

I'd just give a polite excuse. This is all too much drama. You don't have to care what she thinks.

I wouldn’t go.

I’ve been fucked around by people that sound like this. She wants you to go because a) it’s a numbers game, for your 40th you want to look popular, b) people might ask why you’re not there and again, you want to appear popular, c) as others have said, she can say you snubbed her 40th and make herself into the victim.

I’d only go if she was willing to meet face to face first to talk things through as that shows she values your friendship and is serious about making an effort.

However how is get that is turn in around so I’d say, thank you for invitation. I’d love to come, however feeling anxious, and don’t want to trigger any negative emotions on day of your party for either of us, can we meet and have a hug & catch up first?

If she then refuses this, wont acknowledge if you mention you’d fee anxious not speaking first then she’s a total dick and you probably wouldn’t want her in your life anyway! And you also then have a justified reason not to go and a ‘story’ to tell!

I think that given you have been honest, open and direct about how you think things are and she doesn't seem to have taken that on board, and given you don't seem to want to go and yet fear the repercussions of not going then I would sadly inform her that you're delighted to be invited but have a holiday/wedding/other non movable booking that day.

Then I'd just continue with the drift, personally.

If you want to go and look forward to catching up with other people then go. If you’re not interested tell DF you have other plans.

I’m not sure why you think random strangers will know the answer tbh.

What are you afraid of if you decline the invitation?

Seems like an overly dramatic interpretation. You're vastly overthinking all of this.

Do you want to go? Then go. Do you not? Then don't. No need for any of the angst or silliness.

Do you have other friends going? And is it reasonably close/straightforward to get to?
If yes, I’d go. If no, I’d book a holiday and blame someone else and complain about how you really wanted to go and ‘connect’ with her.

Did you give good birthday presents?? Maybe she's waning a present 🤣 tbh I wouldn't go. No point if the relationship has sizzled out

You can decline without looking like sour grapes. What a shame it is the same day your cousin is getting married, you have a work function, or you‘ve booked a holiday.

If other friends will be going and you’d like to catch up with them then go - bright and breezy - kiss kiss, modest gift or bottle of Prosecco - don’t put too much thought into it - then off home at the end of the night and don’t contact her again. If you don’t want to go just plead a prior engagement - ‘I’m really sorry, it’s Harold’s mum’s birthday bash and we’re already committed to that. Hope you have a fab time.’

Why can't you just go, in the full knowledge that it's a one off & not necessarily heralding a whole new start to the friendship? Play her at her own game & don't let her be the one who can control the story of why you aren't friends.

Go, have a nice night, next day resume business as usual of getting on with your life as you have been already..

I don't understand. She wasn't inviting you to stuff, you spoke to her about it and now she's invited you to something and you don't want to go?

Are you thinking that she's only inviting you because you confronted her about things being one sided or do you think she actually wants you there? I don't think you'd find out which without going. I would go and if I didn't enjoy/got a vibe that I wasn't that wanted then I would leave the friendship there. But I don't think you'll get answers if you don't go.

I think she's in a win win situation here. Either you go, and she'll feel great because you've made the effort, and give her attention. If so, she'll go right back to her old ways.
Or, you don't go, and that'll be the reason she tells everyone that you're no longer friends, and she gets the sympathy vote.

I’d disregard the wider context and make the decision solely on whether I want to go. If you do, go. If you don’t, whatever the reason, decline.