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Original poster

Friend’s 40th dinner!!

105 replies

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 19:06

Long standing friendship has run into difficulties the last few years, we both have other friendship circles, but we always used to make time for each other.
It came to a head a few times when she didn’t invite me to special occasions she was having but invited other mutual friends, and rather than ghost her I was honest, I felt the friendship had cooled and if she wanted it to continue she would have to make an effort. I had still continued to include her but I was tired of it being one sided.

Nothing changed and I stopped inviting her to stuff and moved on, she would get annoyed if not invited. We have barely spoken since Xmas apart from the odd text.

Fast forward friend is 40 having a dinner in London early Aug and has invited me. I have tried to organise a coffee with her to talk things through, but she is always too busy apparently.
I have no idea what to do. It’s a special birthday and maybe she is trying to mend broken fences but then why not meet up? Or has she invited me out of obligation? What do you make of it? Would you go? Or not?

OP posts:
drpet49 · 13/06/2023 21:41

billy1966 · 13/06/2023 21:40

I was wondering was it you!

She is truly beyond toxic.

What happened about the BBQ and the fuss she tried to cause for not being invited and the flying monkey mutual friend?

I would love to know?

In your place I would send a warm false cheery refusal and not dream of going.

You know life is far too short to celebrate the toxic among us.

Yes I agree with this. I wouldn’t go either.

billy1966 · 13/06/2023 21:40

I was wondering was it you!

She is truly beyond toxic.

What happened about the BBQ and the fuss she tried to cause for not being invited and the flying monkey mutual friend?

I would love to know?

In your place I would send a warm false cheery refusal and not dream of going.

You know life is far too short to celebrate the toxic among us.

Original poster
GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 21:40

Sunnyfeelgood · 13/06/2023 21:26

@Newusernameaug ah glad it was helpful! :)

@GCalltheway I think the fact you have been so poorly and vulnerable gives an important additional perspective. You know how important it is to have a support network, so rocking the boat is extra intimidating.

I personally wouldn't go. That is because I had issues with boundaries and people pleasing for years and after therapy i made myself a rule to only spend energy on people that brought me positive energy back. I spent so much time when I was younger pouring energy into people who were like sieves and it was exhausting. Once I directed my attention to 'real' friends, life got a lot better.

But only you know what you can bear. If you really don't know, do the coin trick. Heads is 'I go', Tails is 'I don't go'. It actually doesn't matter what side comes up, go by whatever side you are hoping comes up as it falls.

The added information to this is my illness also highlighted that I could not rely on my parents either. Or family. It shone a torch on everyone around me.
Many of my friends stepped up incredibly and my dh family too, but I have never felt so scared and alone and the one person I needed was my mum , and she couldn’t do it in any capacity, and told me I was making HER ill with stress!

After this I have felt the true value of my friends and have found it so hard to live with knowing I can’t rely on anyone else.
That is why the actions of my friend, so called friend, have landed with such an impact. Even with therapy. It’s not drama - it’s not teenage angst in mid life. It’s knowing my kids could be left alone, I want as many loving people around them to help them through if it happens again, and it’s hard to live with knowing there are sharks in the water feeding from our misfortune. Those sharks are often very helpful, outwardly kind but also have ulterior motives.

OP posts:
Sourdoughhunter · 13/06/2023 21:34

I remember your last post. I think you should go have as nice of a time as possible and leave early if you aren't comfortable then just keep carrying on with your life and if she continues to invite you to things great, if not, that's fine too.

I think that she will be offended if you don't go and that could create animosity and possible tension for you which might have a knock on effect with your other friendships.

You just need to reframe her in your mind from a close friend to a casual acquaintance so if you have a big party you could invite her but anything small and intimate she wouldn't be invited to.

UsingChangeofName · 13/06/2023 21:33

Happytohelp2 · 13/06/2023 19:13

You’re overthinking this. Go if you want to, don’t if you rather not. It doesn’t have to be a drama.

I agree with this.

I don't understand these threads.

If someone invites me to something that I am free for, and I can get to, and I think I will enjoy it, then I go. If any of the above apply, then I don't go. It really is that simple.
When I have hosted a party, I invite people that I would like to be there. I really don't give a monkeys if they have invited me to something previously or not. It is as simple as "who are the 5, (20, 50, 80 or whatever number the event suits) people I would most like to be there?" and those are the people I invite.
I can think of friends that I have invited to several things that haven't ever invited me to things, but I like their company, so I invite them.

romdowa · 13/06/2023 21:29

I've no idea how far away you are from London but if it's a big enough distance that you can't make a quick getaway if the party goes south. Then I'd decline , thanking her for the invite but that you are unable to attend.

Sunnyfeelgood · 13/06/2023 21:26

@Newusernameaug ah glad it was helpful! :)

@GCalltheway I think the fact you have been so poorly and vulnerable gives an important additional perspective. You know how important it is to have a support network, so rocking the boat is extra intimidating.

I personally wouldn't go. That is because I had issues with boundaries and people pleasing for years and after therapy i made myself a rule to only spend energy on people that brought me positive energy back. I spent so much time when I was younger pouring energy into people who were like sieves and it was exhausting. Once I directed my attention to 'real' friends, life got a lot better.

But only you know what you can bear. If you really don't know, do the coin trick. Heads is 'I go', Tails is 'I don't go'. It actually doesn't matter what side comes up, go by whatever side you are hoping comes up as it falls.

Original poster
GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 21:22

Quitelikeit · 13/06/2023 21:17

Are you sure you are not being invited just to make up the numbers?

Sounds like it to me!

London isn’t cheap

Honestly why invite someone to your 40th if you don’t even really want to see them for a coffee?!

💡 oh I want to feel popular so I’ll invite such and such

Quite. You might think if it’s important you make the time for a quick coffee 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 13/06/2023 21:21

Why do you have to play her games and worry about her being nasty or spreading more stories about you? I don’t live in a small community/village so I can let this wash over me.

I did have a new best friend for a few years until she did something unforgivable and I ended the friendship. After a year or so I wondered if I’d been too harsh so got back in touch with her only to find out she’d been bitching about me to others and openly on Facebook. We shared mutual friends who thought they were friends with her knew about her behaviour and sympathised with me. To be honest with you now I wouldn’t believe a word that came out of her mouth though she did come across as genuine.

In your case I’d be tempted to not go if that’s what you feel like doing and let her talk. I feel she’d talk if you went or didn’t go so you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You do have to have a thick hide about this afterwards though and just ignore any nastiness or gossip.

JandalsAlways · 13/06/2023 21:20

I'd go. If you don't, consider the friendship over.

Quitelikeit · 13/06/2023 21:17

Are you sure you are not being invited just to make up the numbers?

Sounds like it to me!

London isn’t cheap

Honestly why invite someone to your 40th if you don’t even really want to see them for a coffee?!

💡 oh I want to feel popular so I’ll invite such and such

Original poster
GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 21:17

No one tells you how vulnerable you can be when seriously ill, and your world is turned upside down. Loving support is not questioned as callous information collecting something to share with the community and beyond. I didn’t have the capacity to measure her intentions, it’s only afterwards I realised I was fodder.

But we all have to live here; in relative peace. So do I set my fears aside and be there anyway and brush my concerns away? What would you do?

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 13/06/2023 21:14

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 21:08

I guess that’s at the root of this. I imagine she has been talking about me to others. I am worried some might see it as a pity invite. It might well be. Or she may have realised the friendship is important and this is her way of expressing that. I am an honest and genuine person I can’t easily say what her intentions are.

For me this is always the hard part because I want to be nice and fair to people.

When other posters were saying it’s a lot of drama, I get that you want to make the right decision.

99% of the people in my life are genuine friends I love and care about. But there’s always 1 you have issues with 😂

Newusernameaug · 13/06/2023 21:13

Sunnyfeelgood · 13/06/2023 20:50

It is really sad to hear you give your power away like this.

If she is toxic and manipulative, you can't stop her from sending out her own narrative. It won't end with the 40th birthday. What happens when you have a big bash? Aren't we back to square one of 'what would it look like if I didn't invite her?'

You have to either decide that it makes you feel bad and is too negative and tactfully cut yourself out (by pretending you are busy)

Or you need to accept you have to play nice with her until you move away and that means sucking up these social occasions.

Don't play into the idea that you have ANY control over what she says about you to others. You have already admitted you can't understand the choices she has made, so you really don't know what is going on in her head. She could very well be telling others 'this is a pity invite and you are a sad act if you come'. If someone wants to take you down, you won't be able to play it perfectly to prevent them from doing so.

For me, the amount of times you have said it is toxic (or similar), it just isn't worth the energy. This is YOUR life and you will constantly have to navigate these sorts of people.

This is a superb answer!

And now seeing OP response and the last few messages makes me realise why I do love mumsnet because both by you sharing GCalltheway and Sunnyfeelgood it’s helped me open a new perspective for dealing with fuckwits like your ‘friend’ that yes, just want to use and play with people!!

Original poster
GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 21:08

I guess that’s at the root of this. I imagine she has been talking about me to others. I am worried some might see it as a pity invite. It might well be. Or she may have realised the friendship is important and this is her way of expressing that. I am an honest and genuine person I can’t easily say what her intentions are.

OP posts:
Sunnyfeelgood · 13/06/2023 21:07

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 21:01

I really needed to hear that.

I have given my power away unknowingly and when I tried to get on the front foot she created a huge scene. I hate conflict so it was hard to manage her and I have relaxed and created distance, it was all good but now the pressing need to reply to this invite is now confusing me. This is kind of what she does. Reels people back and then dumps on them again at will.

She was a lovely friend for a while but she used my illnesses to share with others, and make herself centre stage and gossiped about me. Incredibly I felt indebted to her for a while for her so called ‘kindness’ not realising she was sharing it all with others. Because my health has been so poor I imagine it might well be seen as a pity invite, and lots of people did judge her at the time for being this way towards me.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with all of this 💐

I suspect that other people aren't completely blind to her behaviour, so you may get a better outcome than you expect. Wishing you lots of strength to navigate it.

Original poster
GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 21:01

Sunnyfeelgood · 13/06/2023 20:50

It is really sad to hear you give your power away like this.

If she is toxic and manipulative, you can't stop her from sending out her own narrative. It won't end with the 40th birthday. What happens when you have a big bash? Aren't we back to square one of 'what would it look like if I didn't invite her?'

You have to either decide that it makes you feel bad and is too negative and tactfully cut yourself out (by pretending you are busy)

Or you need to accept you have to play nice with her until you move away and that means sucking up these social occasions.

Don't play into the idea that you have ANY control over what she says about you to others. You have already admitted you can't understand the choices she has made, so you really don't know what is going on in her head. She could very well be telling others 'this is a pity invite and you are a sad act if you come'. If someone wants to take you down, you won't be able to play it perfectly to prevent them from doing so.

For me, the amount of times you have said it is toxic (or similar), it just isn't worth the energy. This is YOUR life and you will constantly have to navigate these sorts of people.

I really needed to hear that.

I have given my power away unknowingly and when I tried to get on the front foot she created a huge scene. I hate conflict so it was hard to manage her and I have relaxed and created distance, it was all good but now the pressing need to reply to this invite is now confusing me. This is kind of what she does. Reels people back and then dumps on them again at will.

She was a lovely friend for a while but she used my illnesses to share with others, and make herself centre stage and gossiped about me. Incredibly I felt indebted to her for a while for her so called ‘kindness’ not realising she was sharing it all with others. Because my health has been so poor I imagine it might well be seen as a pity invite, and lots of people did judge her at the time for being this way towards me.

OP posts:
Sunnyfeelgood · 13/06/2023 20:50

It is really sad to hear you give your power away like this.

If she is toxic and manipulative, you can't stop her from sending out her own narrative. It won't end with the 40th birthday. What happens when you have a big bash? Aren't we back to square one of 'what would it look like if I didn't invite her?'

You have to either decide that it makes you feel bad and is too negative and tactfully cut yourself out (by pretending you are busy)

Or you need to accept you have to play nice with her until you move away and that means sucking up these social occasions.

Don't play into the idea that you have ANY control over what she says about you to others. You have already admitted you can't understand the choices she has made, so you really don't know what is going on in her head. She could very well be telling others 'this is a pity invite and you are a sad act if you come'. If someone wants to take you down, you won't be able to play it perfectly to prevent them from doing so.

For me, the amount of times you have said it is toxic (or similar), it just isn't worth the energy. This is YOUR life and you will constantly have to navigate these sorts of people.

Original poster
GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 20:47

Cosyblankets · 13/06/2023 20:33

How would you have felt if she hadn't invited you?

Probably relieved but a little sad I was with her on her 30th.

OP posts:
Original poster
GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 20:45

50 odd guests

OP posts:
Original poster
GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 20:44

waitingforlifeonmars · 13/06/2023 20:38

Is it a big gathering, is it a "look how popular I am" event, or a small intimate dinner for a few?

If you think this is just for show, but would make your life easier in the long run, go. If you have mutual friends going, you could have fun.
Then resume not inviting her to stuff/contacting her until she invites you to something just the two of you.

I've been invited to parties where it's more about numbers that close friendships, I've gone if mutual friends are going and had fun.

It could be that mutual friends have asked her why you haven't been at other events!

There has been raised eyebrows not only about her behaviour around me, but others too. So this could be a mitigation plan. Rehabilitating her reputation as a nice person.
Some of my friends will be there, many have not been invited. It’s really awkward.

OP posts:
ChristmasCwtch · 13/06/2023 20:43

“Thanks so much for the invite Sarah. Sounds fab. We already have plans that weekend sorry, so we won’t be able to join you guys. Hope you have a fantastic time and look forward to catching up for coffee after and hearing all about it. Much love to you and Ron xx”

Send, then…. Buy yourself something nice with the money you saved on the going/buying her a gift 😂

Primor · 13/06/2023 20:38

You’re probably a seat filler and good gift giver. She’s not expending any energy inviting you to a busy event. Personally I wouldn’t invest the time in going. Life is busy, time is precious.

waitingforlifeonmars · 13/06/2023 20:38

Is it a big gathering, is it a "look how popular I am" event, or a small intimate dinner for a few?

If you think this is just for show, but would make your life easier in the long run, go. If you have mutual friends going, you could have fun.
Then resume not inviting her to stuff/contacting her until she invites you to something just the two of you.

I've been invited to parties where it's more about numbers that close friendships, I've gone if mutual friends are going and had fun.

It could be that mutual friends have asked her why you haven't been at other events!

Greentree1 · 13/06/2023 20:35

Just go.