Friend’s 40th dinner!!

You have my empathy re small hamlet / village living. It can be stressful to navigate the politics and the cliques.

I'd just not bother with her if she can't be bothered doing a single coffee, but after what you've said about her character just put her at arms length anyway. Why would you want to have a coffee with her she sounds a right knobber 😂

OP on MN many people are cynical and ready to cut off someone for the tiniest thing so remember that is the general way friendship threads go. I think your friend is your friend, and is inviting you to the birthday because she likes you and wants you to be there. Some people are embarrassed or clumsy with apologies, but actions speak louder than words. She wouldn't invite you if she didn't want you to go

Hello OP - I have been in a similar situation to you although am much older. I had the angst, the worry about offending, about perhaps misjudging stuff but then I realised that this was really the oldest gaslighting trick. It took a long time and I didn't find it easy but I walked away. I continue to walk away from anything that requires me to second-guess myself (beyond that which is at an acceptable level - I suspect we all second-guess from time to time). If I am with someone and I don't feel as happy or comfortable as I should then I get out. Life goes on.

I too have been blessed with great female friends and really value them always.

However, sometimes you can wish someone well, but no longer wish to be involved with them.

That's ok too.

I think there is nothing to be gained hanging on to a friendship that is not sincere.

Far better to invest in those that are genuinely caring.

Life is too short.

Her behaviour is really up there in the truly awful stakes and at nearly 60, I've heard a few tales.

Do what you have to, to pass her off, but stay away from her and any loitering flying monkeys.

You have reminded me of my friend being invited to something from someone she no longer particularly liked and she thanked them but said " Thank you, but I no longer consider us close friends, so best you save that invite for someone who does".😳😱.

I was shocked but I really admired her guts.
She's an Aussie and I really adore her, the kindest woman you could meet, but she has zero tolerance for PA bullshit.
She just says is like she sees it.
I'm lucky to have her as a close friend.

Keep your chin up and don't allow her to take your peace.
You have really been through the wars, so don't allow this to impose on your head space.

Over the past 7 years, 4 good friends have had cancer and all of them politely refuse to have anything further to do with anyone who isn't a genuine friend.

They have found it very freeing.

"Embracing only positivity, guarding yourself against the negative energy some people exude🤚."😁

Some of my friends will be there, many have not been invited.

Perfect timing for you to invite them to a "Thank You for your support" BBQ on the SAME DAY with the caveat that you know it will mean some are then double-booked, but that's ok with you, you can catch up another time - but for the unlucky ones that weren't invited they get something else to chat about.
It might just take the shine of her very misplaced halo.

I’d say a good friendship does not involve having to come on Mumsnet for advice, and this one has run its course. Whether she means to or not she is playing mind games with you. A more appropriate approach would have been to contact you and say she was sorry she had mistreated you and wants to make amends and restart the friendship.

"I was thinking the opposite. You complain about being left out of significant events, point it out to her, she invites you to the next significant event and you are still not happy. If you really feel like this is point scoring or she is being devious, then surely that is your answer, you don’t like her, so don’t go."

Well I wouldn't appreciate someone gossiping about a serious health condition either, would you?

I appreciate the earlier thread isn't linked here but there is a lot more to the Ops issues with friend than simply not being invited to events.

I would own this. Go, enjoy the company of friends, smile and say yes shes mercurial isn’t she but I am loving seeing you all if someone mentioned it, they do say make hay while the sun shines!
have a nice night and in the morning it’s all over.

I was thinking the opposite. You complain about being left out of significant events, point it out to her, she invites you to the next significant event and you are still not happy. If you really feel like this is point scoring or she is being devious, then surely that is your answer, you don’t like her, so don’t go.

I had a similar situation OP. I went to the 30th celebrations and all it did was remind me how different we had become. But I showed up, made an effort and I have no regrets doing it. She's barely spoke since and I'm okay with it.

If you've had an invite, go. It'll do less harm than not going.

I send a excuse with a card. It's not inconceivable that you would have other plans.

Na.....completely over rated.😁

Being the "better person", taking the "high road", is completely lost on a toxic manipulative harridan.

All she would see as the slate being clean,business as usual and crucially that she should be included in your entertaining.

She is not someone you ever want crossing your door step again.

She refused the coffee because she doesn't want to risk you saying anything she doesn't want to hear, she has only included you so that she can say she has and play wounded should you not include her.

She is really bad news.
A really ugly person to her core.

Her behaviour during your illness was so dreadful and disordered that I would say she is a bit unhinged.

Really really not normal.

Either way you do not want yourself or your family exposed to her toxicity ever again.

I really hope you are doing well.

Mind your stress levels.

I remember your other post OP and she was bloody horrible. Leave her to it and tell her no and arrange to do something that weekend with your other real friends that aren't going.Glad on reading your last post youre realising you're better off without her.
I hate people like her that prey on people for gossip, hope she has a horrible birthday 😆

I agree, arrange a night elsewhere if it makes you feel easier but there is no way you should open the door again.

If you try further boundaries, attending will be thrown in your face.

It would be a huge misstep and own goal to go.

Arrange something/anything but you can't make it.

I wouldn't go,I don't feel this invite is genuine,from the heart.
Politely decline,no reason or any ' excuse ' just thank her and decline and wish her happy birthday then walk away.
This is what will be best for you.🌻

OP,

I really understand the very very complicated emotions.

But god forbid it returns that is one poisonous bitch you will not want near your precious children.

Don't waste time, energy and money on it or her.

Excuse yourself and wish her the best.

Simply not being up to it and tired is enough.
Save your energy resources for those who really care for you.

Decline the invite citing you have other plans but if you didn’t you’d go.

A simple passive aggressive you have something better to do with your time now than her.

you give her what she wants but with a sting in the tail.

make a plan for that day/evening if you like. Dinner with husband to celebrate being alive/weekend away/whatever you fancy so your mind is not doing the whole FOMO thing if that’s what happens for you.