Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS breaking up with GF after trip

362 replies

Flutterflys · 13/06/2023 14:06

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
BlueGrey1 · 31/01/2024 18:51

Just wondering if they broke up or decided to make a go of the long distance relationship after the trip

They sounded like they loved and cared for each other

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/08/2023 12:48

why is it ridiculous? We met and got together at 19 and 17, and are still together 20 years later, 19 married. I know it’s not really relevant to the post, but still..

I mean there are always outliers but as a general rule the partners that teenagers choose are not the best life partners. If I'd ended up with my boyfriend at 19 it would quite possibly have ruined my life, stopped me going to university etc. I would strongly discourage my DD from settling down before the age of 30. I just think most young people aren't equipped to make that sort of decision.

Izzabird · 21/08/2023 12:04

Notamum12345577 · 21/08/2023 11:49

why is it ridiculous? We met and got together at 19 and 17, and are still together 20 years later, 19 married. I know it’s not really relevant to the post, but still..

Well, it is ridiculous, and I say that as someone who also met her husband when we were both in second year at university. It frankly amazes me, as well as other people, that a decision made in my teens continues to be a good one 30 years on, and I recognise that my own experience is atypical, and in part lasted because we always let the other person free to follow their path, which involved living in separate countries for chunks of every year etc.

I'd be horrified if my DS allowed a teenage relationship to limit him.

Notamum12345577 · 21/08/2023 11:49

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/06/2023 15:28

They are teenagers so the idea they would have a long term future together is ridiculous. I wouldn’t be encouraging a child of that age to entertain the idea right before university. You should certainly not put pressure on him to stay with her.

But I agree that he should not be piggybacking on her generosity when she’s in blissful ignorance and presumably thinks she’s in love.

why is it ridiculous? We met and got together at 19 and 17, and are still together 20 years later, 19 married. I know it’s not really relevant to the post, but still..

DadBodAlready · 15/06/2023 14:29

I'm sorry, but I think your son is in the wrong. If he's already decided then he should tell her now or at the very least initiate an honest discussion about the travel distance his feelings, otherwise he's just stringing her along for his benefit. Does she see the distance as being a problem?

RantyAnty · 15/06/2023 04:16

He's embarrassingly awful.

Then he sends her a message like that right before her exams.

Tis a shame her parents haven't warned her about funding a crap male she's been dating a few months.

MayThe4th · 15/06/2023 03:49

People are quick to jump to the conclusion that he’s going to dump her out of the blue and she’s going to be blindsided.

Assuming they have a decent relationship, and presumably they do if they planned a six week trip away together, there’s no way they won’t have discussed the pitfalls of a long distance relationship when she goes off to uni.

Assuming he hasn’t promised her marriage and babies and a bright future, she almost certainly knows that this relationship has no future.

He’s likely only going to do what they have previously talked about.

It’s possible to love someone and to be realistic about the future.

But hey he’s a man, so the automatic assumption is that he’s using her. Maybe he in fact doesn’t want to break up with her, but realistically there is no future in this relationship, and he’s acknowledging that.

When I was his age I moved from one country to another with my family. I was devastated to leave my then BF behind, but I had no choice, I didn’t have a job and there were very few prospects in the country I was living in. So we made the decision to wait for each other I would find work and qualifications and go back and we would be together. We loved each other.

But the reality was that it was never going to happen. And I spent a year trying to make my job work and to save the money, and having conversations about the promised future. And then he met someone else.

In hindsight I wish we’d just agreed to part ways when I left. It would have saved a lot of heartbreak and wondering and wishing, and would have given us the opportunity to move on with our lives so much sooner.

it wouldn’t have meant we didn’t love each other. We could have loved each other until I left. And then been realistic about the future.

JudgeRudy · 15/06/2023 03:25

What a dilemma for him....and you. Firstly what you need to do is nothing! Whatever he decides don't tell her, but there's nothing to stop you making suggestions.
Personally I sent think he should go on the trip for 2 reasons. If he's going to break up with her she'll be blindsided and angry....and likely heartbroken a few weeks before she embarks on uni. I also think given what he says that he may struggle to 'dump' her and drag things on. The fairest thing is to say he's not coming and give her the opportunity to find a replacement travel companion.
I wonder if part of his thinking is simple possessiveness. He doesn't want her but the idea of her having a Euro Romance with someone fills him with jealousy. It's niave of him to think that it will be nice to build some memories together to end on a high. I'm pretty sure if she new how he was thinking she wouldn't want them to go.
Ultimately though, it's up go him and I'd stay quiet however I'd make it very clear you won't be joining in with the deception and will be 'withdrawing' from your relationship with her.
BTW, I think it's sensible to call this one to an end.

Hawkins0001 · 15/06/2023 01:35

That's the thing with long distance it's a mix at times

KM123456 · 15/06/2023 00:33

I think it's kinder to break up with her after she has done her A levels--which is what he seems to be planning to do. Breaking up with her now, when she is going into her A levels, is mean.

chubbychopsticks · 15/06/2023 00:25

He sounds realistic and sensible. Things will no doubt change when she heads to Uni in London. Long distance relationship may not be what she wants either. Let them have fun and see what happens. Who knows it could work out.

Newname2323 · 14/06/2023 21:32

Load of rubbish that he's upset and doesn't want her to lose out on money. She could take someone else and if the idea made you that upset you'd see how long distance goes before deciding when you're going to break up with her. Poor girl

mamamamamamamamamamachameleon · 14/06/2023 21:28

sevenbyseven · 13/06/2023 14:09

I think it would've much worse to break up with her before the trip.

Spending 6 weeks together will really help to cement in his mind whether he wants to be with afterwards or not. He might change his mind, or he might not - he's right long distance relationships are difficult, so he's probably just being realistic.

This

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/06/2023 21:20

LadyTemperance · 14/06/2023 20:33

I would advise him not to break up with her. By the end of freshers week every girl on my floor who arrived with a boyfriend at home had broken up with them.

Cunning. 🦊

LaDamaDeElche · 14/06/2023 20:51

He’s not planning to break up with her because he has another girl, or is fed up with her and just stringing her along. He still loves her, but he realises that he’s young and not ready for an LD relationship. They can still have a fantastic trip and good memories. Both of them will move on fast starting uni. Some people are looking at this with a very adult mindset. This is not a long term relationship which is going to lead to marriage and kids. It’s young love.

gov · 14/06/2023 20:50

I went on a round the world trip with my boyfriend, expecting that we’d probably break up on our return because we were at the age where we should be putting down roots/ making commitments & I wasn’t convinced. We’re celebrating our silver wedding next month- and very happy. You lot who are saying he shouldn’t go would have insisted that I called off our trip beforehand on the basis of how I felt then. Let him be - he’s young, life is fluid. He still loves being with her, he’s still her boyfriend now.

LadyTemperance · 14/06/2023 20:33

I would advise him not to break up with her. By the end of freshers week every girl on my floor who arrived with a boyfriend at home had broken up with them.

canigetitmyself · 14/06/2023 20:24

If he breaks up with her now, she could go with a mate instead

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/06/2023 20:20

Thelnebriati · 14/06/2023 19:36

If my DS told me this, I'd remind him that sexual consent is not valid if one person conceals information that might make the other person change their mind.

This in spades. Checking her understanding is all that's needed.

Blueblell · 14/06/2023 20:17

You are overthinking this! They are both very young and can a wonderful 6 weeks trip together without having to commit forever more. Whilst on the trip they may work out that they don’t have a future but still have a great time. She maybe thinking the same. They may split after the trip or they may be married in 50 years time. He is doing nothing wrong here.

Nic1435 · 14/06/2023 19:44

If he really wanted too he would. I met my partner in Greece 8 years ago! We lived about 3 hours from each other. We saw each other every 2 weeks and we too it turns to visit. We done long distance for 5 years before I fell pregnant and then I moved! So honestly if he wanted he would make the effort! Xxx

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 14/06/2023 19:41

Don;t get involved, and don't put pressure on him (or her) to do anything differently. He sounds quite sensible. She's got access to more money than him and has chosen to spend it on certain things that would have been out of his sole budget - it doesn't sound like she's being exploited and subsidising the entire holiday.

It'd be unrealistic to expect them to stay together forever - it's extremely normal for teenage couples to split up when they move to study in different places - isn't necessarily as dramatic and awful for either party as PPs have made out. I had a bf for my last 18 months at school - we were in love - we split up the week before going off to uni - it was completely un-traumatic for both of us, and meant we could get on with building new lives in new places, without juggling the demands of a long-distance relationship, intensive course and brand new flatmates/ social scene.

The only thing worth discussing with him would be safer sex. An unplanned pregnancy at this stage in their lives would introduce a whole new level of stress that they'd be better off avoiding. Is this something you've been able to talk to him about?

Thelnebriati · 14/06/2023 19:36

If my DS told me this, I'd remind him that sexual consent is not valid if one person conceals information that might make the other person change their mind.

Twiglets1 · 14/06/2023 19:32

I think he is being realistic.

It's a bit cold, don't think I could do it but I can see there are reasons it could be even worse for her if he dumped her now. Maybe he will change his mind, who knows? But it is up to him how he handles his relationships, if you come across too judgemental he will stop confiding in you in future.

LillyoftheMountain · 14/06/2023 19:31

Tell him to enjoy the trip. I doubt anyone is expecting teenagers to stay together when one moves further away for uni.

Swipe left for the next trending thread