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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HELP who’s right here

41 replies

Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 14:34

I have name changed for this but have been on mumsnet for years.

I really need some honest advice……

my and my DP have been together 18months. We have 5 children between us and none of our own. We have a really good relationship except for one thing…… his ex.

she messages constantly all day every day about anything but keeps it to the topic of the children. These children are secondary late primary school age with their own phones. Messages are about what they have eaten, how they sleep, what they have done, photos (which I get). Who’s got school
uniforms (which normally she has). It’s from before we wake up until bedtime most days.

we have now had a huge row as I just can’t handle it. I don’t know the answer but

AIBU - should I accept it
AINBU - is it too much!

please help a women out as we are about to split on this

OP posts:
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sodthesodoff · 12/06/2023 20:33

So sorry op

No it's not normal. But as others have said whilst her behaviour isn't normal the fact he doesn't want to deal with it is the bigger problem.

Try to take the positive that it's not been decades of this madness. I can't believe you didn't have your partners full attention when you were in hospital. Did she know you were there?!

I mean there's something seriously wrong with their relationship. That's the upshot. But you're free to get out and live your own life.

Original poster
Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 20:28

Thank you all for your messages I have found it interesting. Most are in agreement it isn’t normal. So hard isn’t it when you are invested but I can’t have a third person in my relationship. 😢

OP posts:
Menora · 12/06/2023 19:23

This is what happens when people keep their options open. They don’t like to close a door in case they want to go back in.

Daleksatemyshed · 12/06/2023 19:17

Either she regrets the break up and can't let him go or she honestly thinks he needs to know every tiny detail of his DC's lifes. I'm afraid the fact he can't see it's way over the top suggests he's still not over the break up either. I'd move on Op, this relationships going nowhere

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 12/06/2023 18:03

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 12/06/2023 18:02

10-40 a day. The OP said in an earlier post.

That was to @CurlewKate

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 12/06/2023 18:02

10-40 a day. The OP said in an earlier post.

Tannedandfake · 12/06/2023 17:12

I have 2 young teenagers, I don’t text XH at all unless a medical issue or possible homework that needs to be completed on his weekend. There’s literally no need, but you definitely have a DP problem.
If my kids want to let him know something, they both have mobiles.

Denise82 · 12/06/2023 17:03

Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 16:58

I messaged him. Ultimately he can’t see my point of view. I’ve said to him you like hearing from her. And that’s that. He won’t change and he has said that. So I am off

If this is your boundary then you are right to walk away. Its probably what his ex wants in reality. No one needs to tell the other parent that their age 10+ kids ate all their dinner and went to bed at 9pm, along with numerous other photos and messages throughout the day. Especially if they have their own phones to contact. Seems like she wants to keep in touch like they are still together and ruin any relationships he has. Also if it was him who told you about the sex thing then thats messed up, why would you need to tell your new partner your ex wants you back for the sex.

CurlewKate · 12/06/2023 16:59

How many messages are we talking about? Honestly?

Original poster
Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 16:58

I messaged him. Ultimately he can’t see my point of view. I’ve said to him you like hearing from her. And that’s that. He won’t change and he has said that. So I am off

OP posts:
ThatFraggle · 12/06/2023 16:53

Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 16:50

I agree he needs to mute them which he did for a few weeks but then unmuted them and over the weeks it has got worse. I have messaged him and asked to talk. We will see

What's there to talk about? You already talked. He placated you for a little while, then decided he likes the attention, and stopped doing what you asked.

And the comment about sex between them. I wouldn't be surprised if they were still having sex.

TheSnowyOwl · 12/06/2023 16:51

How receptive would your partner be to having a set hour each day when he responds but otherwise, unless it’s an emergency, he doesn’t otherwise acknowledge any of the messages coming through? If it’s in the evening, he can then do a summary to answer all about the eating etc from the day and that’s it.

Original poster
Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 16:50

I agree he needs to mute them which he did for a few weeks but then unmuted them and over the weeks it has got worse. I have messaged him and asked to talk. We will see

OP posts:
Paq · 12/06/2023 16:48

He needs to mute the messages (assuming they are whatsapp) and respond once or twice a day.

MooMooSharoo · 12/06/2023 16:46

Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 16:28

He feels I’m making him choose between him and the children which I’m not. As they contact him with iPads and phones and I have no issues at all. Again when there have been problems or emergencies. No issues. It’s just the shit off - they ate salmon for dinner and gone to bed at 9 with no issues. What?! And when the children are with him it’s still a loads of messages about nonsense. And it stresses him out but he won’t change. You guys are right. I need to just make him either understand or part ways as I have tried so hard. But it’s my boundary I can’t deal with

IMO he needs to slow down on the interaction with her. If this is all on WhatsApp he should put her on mute then only check the messages once or twice a day and simply reply with a thumbs up emoji. My DH uses the thumbs up emoji instead of engaging in conversation and it really annoys me, so it might annoy her too!

The less he engages or the less he says, the less it will bother both of you.

If she's including you on the messages, mute also and look at when you choose to.

If there's an emergency she can call, but the messages just won't be pinging all day long.

If your DP doesn't get on board with it, then that's your issue with him, not her.

Original poster
Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 16:28

He feels I’m making him choose between him and the children which I’m not. As they contact him with iPads and phones and I have no issues at all. Again when there have been problems or emergencies. No issues. It’s just the shit off - they ate salmon for dinner and gone to bed at 9 with no issues. What?! And when the children are with him it’s still a loads of messages about nonsense. And it stresses him out but he won’t change. You guys are right. I need to just make him either understand or part ways as I have tried so hard. But it’s my boundary I can’t deal with

OP posts:
ThatFraggle · 12/06/2023 16:14

Throw this one back.

2bazookas · 12/06/2023 16:12

we are about to split on this

You need to tell DP direct, that it has reached the end of the road stage for you. He now has a choice to make between his ex, and you.

tattygrl · 12/06/2023 16:09

I think this is one of them where you have to decide what you personally want your life to be like. If you can see your way clear to being ok with this, and genuinely feeling confident that your relationship is secure and if you feel valued and prioritised by your partner, then fine - there are no rules about how your relationship has to look. However, it doesn't sound like this is going to change any time soon, and it doesn't sound like your partner understands the issue and how it makes you feel. If you can't see yourself feeling comfortable with this, I think your best option is to leave.

Original poster
Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 16:09

5128gap · 12/06/2023 15:54

Im guessing your arguments go along the lines of you complaining about her messages and him saying he's told her not to but she won't stop. So you're angry while he's helpless. And he's right to an extent, she'll do as she pleases and you can't stop her.
Your only Influence is over what partner does in response. So rather than focus on the fact she shouldn't be messaging, focus on what you want him to do when she does, and tell him. If he refuses, or agrees and then goes back on it, then you need to consider your future.

Yes something like that. That’s a good piece of advice. Definitely food for thought. I think it’s a bit of I don’t know what’s happening when I am not there and I just don’t like it

OP posts:
5128gap · 12/06/2023 15:54

Im guessing your arguments go along the lines of you complaining about her messages and him saying he's told her not to but she won't stop. So you're angry while he's helpless. And he's right to an extent, she'll do as she pleases and you can't stop her.
Your only Influence is over what partner does in response. So rather than focus on the fact she shouldn't be messaging, focus on what you want him to do when she does, and tell him. If he refuses, or agrees and then goes back on it, then you need to consider your future.

Original poster
Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 15:47

He responds to most of them. I mean 40 could be made up of 10 photos. But some of them are the backs of them. I just don’t understand as the children speak to him. But as you say he responds.

OP posts:
steppemum · 12/06/2023 15:43

one big question for me is if he is replying?

If she sends 40 texts with zero reply from him, that is one thing.
If he replies every time that is time ot run for the hills.

He needs to put her texts on mute. She can phone if there is an emergency

WalkingThroughTreacle · 12/06/2023 15:34

Sparkletastic · 12/06/2023 15:30

She still wants to be with him. Throw this one back.

And he is either keeping his options open or likes the attention. He could easily manage this by telling her to calm it down and simply not replying to her unless it's important.

Time to seriously consider moving on OP.

WhatADrabCarpet · 12/06/2023 15:32

I wouldn't be putting up with this and I'd be looking to disentangle myself from it all.

You're clearly unhappy with it all and your relationship will suffer , if it already hasn't.

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