To be annoyed with this re DHs memory?

Crimpingsback · 2023-06-11T16:38:54+00:00

This is a ‘minor’ annoyance that due to how often it happens is really starting to get under my skin. DH has a medical condition that impacts his memory, he isn’t old (33) but his short term memory is quite poor. He can watch a program with me and by the next day totally forget most of what happened. He is ok at remembering important things (birthdays, picking DC up from school etc.) but the minor day to day things do slip He knows he has this issue with his memory and his GP is trying to modify some of his medications to help but it’s not working so far Despite this he still feels at times he remembers things more than I do. For example last week we discussed our plans for today, we were going to a local park then food shopping. Friday just gone he asked me whether we needed groceries for the beach on Sunday. I asked him what he meant, he was convinced the conversation we had last week resulted in a plan to go to the beach! I said nope, we agreed on the park. But he still will argue that he is correct. Surely when one person in a couple has a known issue with their memory it’s most likely the other person is remembering things properly? It only happens in the moment, as when the disagreement is over he will acknowledge his memory is shit, but when confronted it’s almost like he doesn’t want to admit he can’t remember so doubles down AIBU to be pissed off with this? Does anyone also know if this is something therapy could fix?

Babysharkdoodoodood · 12/06/2023 19:05

I think you're just going to have to say tough shit if you find recording things intrusive. And keep the recordings as back up.

If he's going to get arsey about misremembering then you need the proof.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/06/2023 19:00

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 11/06/2023 19:00

Christ, the arrogance! I am very glad you are not in my circle of contacts. I have memory issues and admit that but there are times that I KNOW I am right but no, they won’t accept that they were wrong and I was right. That’s what your DH is living. Someone who is so fucking perfect she NEVER gets anything wrong / forgets anything. It must be so hard having a videographic memory, I’m so sorry. And no, it doesn’t sound like you like him, it sounds like you resent him.

and what is worse for me is the fear and anger you have raised in me about whether this will be my future that no-one will believe I remember anything correctly. He will be terrified, deep down

Then, surely for your own protection, you would do something such as have a large whiteboard to write down lists, plans, updates and suchlike - because you can point to the board and say 'there it is'?

It's how I deal with having the attention span of a flea - whilst my memory is very, very good and I can juggle multiple things at once, the board doesn't just facilitate some space in a head like a bag of eels, it's unequivocal proof that nothing has been forgotten, filed under 'do that later' but something more pressing has pushed it further out, or misremembered.

stayathomegardener · 12/06/2023 18:53

I'm having similar issues with my DH recently and it's so frustrating having to argue with him regarding mis remembered things.

He's so much better than me visually that I've always deferred to him when seeing long distance, setting out a level or a straight line.

Something that looks straight or level to me by eye when checked by a laser level or a right angle is exactly where DH's eye places it.

Why on earth wouldn't I just default to his natural abilities.
Surely it works two ways.

stayathomegardener · 12/06/2023 18:40

ColdBanana · 11/06/2023 19:00

I think some people on this thread have no actual experience of what this is like on a day to day basis (I do, in my case it’s my OH’s brain injury). Sometimes it’s because I, even years down the line, manage to forget (haha) that not every detail is being remembered and it feels just impossible that he doesn’t. In our case we usually have a mini argument (but it’s rare). But here’s what I did - I promised him, and meant it, that I would never lie to him (it would be horribly easy to do). There isn’t a fix by the way and re earlier posters’ suggestions that you just give in and agree - no. You are already doing an immense amount by dealing with a non-existent short term memory that requires huge amounts of patience, you are not also required to agree red is blue. Sympathies!

This!

SBHon · 12/06/2023 08:49

Do you usually have your phone to hand? Set up a WhatsApp group between you and him that’s essentially for memory admin then easily send a brief note message to it when you have discussions like those. Much easier than having to go to a planner.

pudcat · 12/06/2023 08:43

Crimpingsback MN never ceases to amaze me at the lengths posters will reach to regarding a man lying
I have not accused your* *husband of lying, you mentioned gaslighting and if you know what the consultant has said and your husbands BP then you must realise that he can't help it. My husband now has emphysemia and as a result his memory is not right through lack of oxygen to the brain. It is hard but do what you both decided in the first place before he forgot it, as chances are he will forget his new suggestions.

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 11/06/2023 21:37

NewMum0305 · 11/06/2023 19:26

OP, that sounds incredibly frustrating.

But it seems like you’re asking your DH to live a life where he always has to accept that if you disagree on something, you will by default be remembering correctly, because he is memory issues and you don’t. So he’s never allowed to push back. Even if he feels confident (rightly or wrongly) that he’s right. I don’t think you should underestimate how big an ask that is for someone - to accept that they will always be the one who’s wrong (in the context of recalling discussions etc).

Thank you - this is spot on. You have explained it perfectly, apart from the last sentence - “the one who is always assumed to be wrong”. The default is ‘you’re wrong because you’ve got memory issues’

NewMum0305 · 11/06/2023 21:02

That must be infuriating.

If it was me (and of course, I have no experience of this), I would get my husband to WhatsApp me as soon as we had made any decisions that needed to be stuck to (agreements on names, plans that affect the kids, baby names(!)) with confirmation of what had been decided, so he could see that he had said it later on, and anything more minor (eg what had been agreed for dinner), I would probably try and learn to let go (eg “That’s not what I recall us agreeing but fine, let’s do the chicken”) though fully appreciate the latter is easier said than done.

But yes, getting treatment for the condition is obviously most important for the long term. Sounds so tough for both of you x

Original poster

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 20:54

pudcat · 11/06/2023 20:51

Just a thought, have you actually spoken to the doctor/consultant about this? Have you seen his BP results? Or is it what your husand has told you?

He has to measure his BP 3 times a day, I see the results as they come up…

MN never ceases to amaze me at the lengths posters will reach to regarding a man lying

OP posts:

pudcat · 11/06/2023 20:51

Just a thought, have you actually spoken to the doctor/consultant about this? Have you seen his BP results? Or is it what your husand has told you?

Original poster

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 20:45

Zarataralara · 11/06/2023 20:15

Must be worrying for you both, I’d never heard of the kidney/ high bp relationship before, think friend’s son had some sort of surgery or procedure to help it.
Hope you and DH can find the root cause.

Thank you! Yes I hope we find something out soon, it seems to have stalled so this post has at least reminded me to call the GP tomorrow to see if some nagging gets things moving! If not will look into private options!

OP posts:

Zarataralara · 11/06/2023 20:15

Must be worrying for you both, I’d never heard of the kidney/ high bp relationship before, think friend’s son had some sort of surgery or procedure to help it.
Hope you and DH can find the root cause.

Original poster

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 20:10

Zarataralara · 11/06/2023 20:05

I know you’ve probably had all sorts looked at by the dr but has he had his kidneys checked? Friend’s son had very high bp ( slim, athletic, non smoke, teetotal) turned out it was something to do with his kidneys, which he’d never had direct symptoms of iyswim.

Yeah they ran blood tests and did an MRI (had to have dye injected into his blood etc) and was told those checks were for his kidneys. All came back fine

Its very odd, the doctors are pretty stumped, they said the last time they saw someone with blood pressure that high he was a 89 year old man who was hideously overweight and had already suffered 3 strokes!

OP posts:

Zarataralara · 11/06/2023 20:05

I know you’ve probably had all sorts looked at by the dr but has he had his kidneys checked? Friend’s son had very high bp ( slim, athletic, non smoke, teetotal) turned out it was something to do with his kidneys, which he’d never had direct symptoms of iyswim.

Original poster

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 19:50

warnc007 · 11/06/2023 19:38

I can definitely understand where you're coming from. My husband had a seizure just over a year ago and was found to have an AVM, which then bled. The anti-seizure medication and brain surgery to deal with the AVM have had a massive impact on his memory. We get support from the Community Brain Injury Team and they've recommended strategies to help us both but I am still struggling with the arguments caused by his memory issues. He will swear blind I haven't told him something or he will make something up that he thinks I have said. I try to remember that it's not his fault but it is so frustrating, knowing that he is the one diagnosed with the memory issues, not me.
I wish I had some encouraging words of wisdom or support for you but you are not alone.

Thank you for this, I’m sorry you’re also going through something similar but it’s helpful knowing I’m not alone.

It’s starting to make me doubt my own sanity at times and it’s so hard

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Lacucuracha · 11/06/2023 19:47

wildfirewonder · 11/06/2023 18:28

He's frightened probably. You're coming across as a bit harsh and unkind.

Start writing things on the planner, however good your own memory is.

I'd probably just try being a bit more gentle.

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Given he’s the one with memory issues, he should write it down. Why create more work for OP? That’s not very gentle.

warnc007 · 11/06/2023 19:38

I can definitely understand where you're coming from. My husband had a seizure just over a year ago and was found to have an AVM, which then bled. The anti-seizure medication and brain surgery to deal with the AVM have had a massive impact on his memory. We get support from the Community Brain Injury Team and they've recommended strategies to help us both but I am still struggling with the arguments caused by his memory issues. He will swear blind I haven't told him something or he will make something up that he thinks I have said. I try to remember that it's not his fault but it is so frustrating, knowing that he is the one diagnosed with the memory issues, not me.
I wish I had some encouraging words of wisdom or support for you but you are not alone.

Original poster

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 19:37

Whataretalkingabout · 11/06/2023 19:31

He is only 33! With significant memory loss. That must be so frustrating to live with OP! He should be first in Iine to see a neurologist; he sounds seriously incapacitated. A private consultation would be worth pursuing.

Good luck to you OP, you have all my empathy.

I am wondering whether we need to look into private treatment

The GP and all the professionals we have seen so far have said it’s down to the high blood pressure, it is extremely high, to the point the first time it was read he was rushed to hospital, they then realised that was just his blood pressure and it wasn’t going down on its own

It’s usually in the 200/130 range! Which is ‘dangerously high’

OP posts:

Original poster

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 19:34

NewMum0305 · 11/06/2023 19:26

OP, that sounds incredibly frustrating.

But it seems like you’re asking your DH to live a life where he always has to accept that if you disagree on something, you will by default be remembering correctly, because he is memory issues and you don’t. So he’s never allowed to push back. Even if he feels confident (rightly or wrongly) that he’s right. I don’t think you should underestimate how big an ask that is for someone - to accept that they will always be the one who’s wrong (in the context of recalling discussions etc).

When out like that it does make sense, but I don’t really know what the alternative is, he is wrong, 100% of the time when it comes to these mismatches in memory.

It’s hard as even external factors don’t help in those situations. For example on the baby name issue, the fact his own mother had spent the last month before she came out embroidering blankets with the name Alice didn’t make him think ‘maybe I’m wrong that we agreed months ago to call our child Edith’

Its like the memory issue starts the ball rolling but then pride keeps it growing into a bigger issue, and it’s the pride part I want to try and ‘fix’ as I know the memory issue will be a longer term problem

OP posts:

Whataretalkingabout · 11/06/2023 19:31

He is only 33! With significant memory loss. That must be so frustrating to live with OP! He should be first in Iine to see a neurologist; he sounds seriously incapacitated. A private consultation would be worth pursuing.

Good luck to you OP, you have all my empathy.

NewMum0305 · 11/06/2023 19:26

OP, that sounds incredibly frustrating.

But it seems like you’re asking your DH to live a life where he always has to accept that if you disagree on something, you will by default be remembering correctly, because he is memory issues and you don’t. So he’s never allowed to push back. Even if he feels confident (rightly or wrongly) that he’s right. I don’t think you should underestimate how big an ask that is for someone - to accept that they will always be the one who’s wrong (in the context of recalling discussions etc).

Original poster

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 19:16

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 11/06/2023 19:00

Christ, the arrogance! I am very glad you are not in my circle of contacts. I have memory issues and admit that but there are times that I KNOW I am right but no, they won’t accept that they were wrong and I was right. That’s what your DH is living. Someone who is so fucking perfect she NEVER gets anything wrong / forgets anything. It must be so hard having a videographic memory, I’m so sorry. And no, it doesn’t sound like you like him, it sounds like you resent him.

and what is worse for me is the fear and anger you have raised in me about whether this will be my future that no-one will believe I remember anything correctly. He will be terrified, deep down

Good that you know you’re right sometimes, DH isn’t when this occurs.

You're being overly sensitive and it’s easy to see why, but maybe look inwardly

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Original poster

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 19:15

AscensionToCheese · 11/06/2023 18:44

ah fair enough.
Sounds precarious though, but as you said he acknowledhes that.
I think you ned a wider conversation about what all of this is going to mean.. it won't be easy though

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It’s definitely precarious, which is why he was really pushy with the GP to push for a specialist referral, they were just going to keep him on high doses of his blood pressure medication and be done with it

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Original poster

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 19:13

Icedlatteplease · 11/06/2023 18:50

Memory loss really just doesn't work like that.

How do you know he has memory loss? I'm starting to think the memory loss occurs most frequently when your DH wants something that he knows wasn't on anyone else's agenda

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Because it has been diagnosed

It also doesn’t happen when it’s something he wants

He didn’t want to call our child Edith, but he believed we had a conversation about it and he came round to it.

He has never been hiking before, but was convinced we had agreed to book a hiking holiday, despite me being unfit as anything and him never wanting to go nor having any inclination to start

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Bonbon21 · 11/06/2023 19:11

He is scared.
And holding firm to his 'memory' of conversations and decisions in the family setting him is allowing him a level of control.
Push for this consultant appointment.. if the gp has been 'trying' for a long time it is clearly going nowhere.. and not helping.. GP stands for general practitioner.. not meaning to be disrespectful.. but master of none comes to mind... I have had struggles with stubborn gps who want to just try something else.... you need a specialist.. if this is medication related it must be sorted out.