Can't stop crying in the car.

Leave your husband
He shows you no affection
Share the Kia so you get a few days break a week

You have so much on your plate. We are also a ND household and it brings significant challenges.

The thing that helps me most is a Scottish Facebook group called Trauma Informed Parenting (TIP)

On the face of it it's for children who are adopted with trauma. But what's commonly is found is a ND brain is constantly traumatised.

This group gave me proper solutions and strategies. They are calm, affirming, non judgmental and encouraging.

They do an introductory course so you understand the principles of TIP.

It worked for us.

Best wishes, it's a hard journey.

@Orange0 read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/9ebinx/my_sons_journey_with_autism_and_cbd_oil/

OP, I feel for you, you truly seem like a good person with way too much to handle by herself.

Are things a bit easier?

I wonder what a good solicitor would have to say about that though...

Just wanted to say I've been there, it's tough! The good news is it does change, there's challenges but they are different, and eventually I have a relatively independent adult dd (she's financially dependent on us but she mostly looks after herself and hopefully will graduate next year aged 25.) I've since divorced and exh is now showing even more traits, more paranoia, depression etc.

It's not awful.

You're coping much better than I would. I think they know how much you care.

How much 'custody' do you think your DH would really want? Even with DS2?

Do you think there's a chance that things would be calmer if you didn't have your husband in the mix?

Do you think he exacerbates the situation?

This post made me cry, it's so helpful to anyone who's children are behaving in a difficult manner, thank you for writing it out like this and for reminding me

Bless your soul. Of course you're not a bad mum, you're a wonderful mum, for looking after your older DS despite all this, for making sure your younger DC is so well looked after in the wake of your older DC's needs.

I have 3, younger 2 are boys, and let me tell you that even without ND it can be absolutely exhausting and my middle son is very different to my youngest and quite difficult. I love him so much and he is so sweet and funny but his behaviour has me sometimes feeling very "I can't wait for bed time even though you have only been home from school for 10 minutes". So I can completely imagine your situation is taking its toll on you.

I wish I had some advice that would be helpful, but all I come with is empathy and understanding. It does help me to remind myself how little my son is (he's the same age as your boy) and how much he needs me, and how even though he will seemingly laugh at my pain if he causes yet another mess, he will come and give me a cuddle and pick me flowers the next morning. Because the ill feelings we sometimes attribute to bad behaviour are projection, and they just make the who situation 100 times worse. So remember that your son loves and needs you, ND people just have different needs and communicate differently. And some people, regardless of personality or neurodiversity, are just absolutely shit at certain ages!! 😂

What a great post, @SusiePevensie

Your DH sounds more asshole than autistic tbh. The two are not the same

Your DS1 sounds like he desperately needs reassurance and to know he is loved. You are clearly, obviously, a devoted and loving mother, but that might not be coming across to him. From his perspective (and autistic people feel things just as deeply as other people even if they express them differently) he might see a mother who delights in his brother's company and not in his. So he hits and screams to get a reaction because at least that is attention. And I get that this sounds like mother-blaming and dear God it's not meant to - you are doing so much and trying so hard. But there might be stuff you can do to make things easier to both of you.

Ideas that might help. 1) Explosive Child. Specifically the idea that you believe that DS1 does well if he can, and if he can't that means he hasn't got the skills to. From that you take one incident when he behaved badly and instead of asking him.why he brhaved badly you ask him what was tough for him about that situation. Then you work - together - on figurimg out a way of making it better. Slow and hard and frustrating but it can work and it can reset the relationship because you're on the same side.

2. Damian Milton's double empathy idea. Autistic and NT communication styles are/can be equally valid - it's about understanding each other.

3. Tell him you love him. Tell him you're proud of him. I know you do this already, but he's living in a world that's pretty hostile to.him and the more he can believe he is loved the easier that is to face.

There's a poem - Late Fragment by Raymond Carver:

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

4. He loves you. He loves you because you're his mum and because you are kind and terrific. He might not have a goddamn clue how to show it, but he does.

What would be hardest about DH as ex?

Would he even want to share custody?
How would daily life be more difficult? ) He seems to wind things up rather than help or support and he adds to the anger in the house?

What does he contribute?
What does he make worse?

Ignore my post/ I am guilty of not reading far enough. Your DH has other traits!

Sorry you are having to cope with so much 💐

That sounds tough for you op especially when DC1 is at such a challenging stage.

My adult autistic sibling also struggles to express things in ways others understand but wants to do so and really prefers to be told directly what to do. ('When I am in tears- make me a cup of tea / put your arms around me like this...' you might get a cup of tea when crying over a lottery win of course!)

Is your DH like this?

I've a ds who's autistic and my other ds on the waiting list for an assessment, its relentless the damage, the mess, the shouting all the bloody time and yep being "those kids and that family" that are always left out. It gets you to the end of your rope that's for sure!

Doesn’t sound bad at all- I know what you mean.

Hi op I just want to say hang in there x

You sound like you are a great mum because you care, I can’t make it easier for you but your son sounds like he is struggling and it’s good he’s on the pathway for assessments which should identify how to help him. That can be a long process but remember he isn’t doing it to hurt you. In the meantime find a parent support group, go online and get as much information as you can.
When you go through the assessment process tell them everything he struggles with, tell them all the behaviours even if you think it’s not significant as it will help build a picture of his needs.
and don’t forget to look after yourself too xxx

Sorry @Orange0 , I didn't mean to make you feel guilty. This situation is not your fault. You are doing your absolute best and your children will know that deep down.

Is there anything DS1 enjoys? Activites? Groups targeted towards SEN? Even if you had a little oasis where you could do something really positive with DS2, could help you get through the week.

Also, I don't usually believe ultimatums work, but with your DH giving you zero love or support, I think you need to. He needs to step up, or leave. At that point he will have to deal with the situation solo - he doesn't get a checking out option I'm afraid.

Sounds hard, op. At the risk of being blunt, do you think your life with dc would be harder or easier without your partner around? I know you’re struggling with DS for understandable reason but is it making it harder having to manage your partner as well, or is he better than nothing.