Marraige compromise

What about his family? Would you go away for a long weekend with them? If not, apart from the compromise you agreed to, it’s very one sided.

I agree that a whole weekend would be too much, even of my own family! In this case, you should stick to the original plan, that he gets his weekend with just you and the children. For the future, maybe you can agree to a different type of compromise that isn't quite so all-or-nothing. A weekend is two days. Maybe you and the kids can spend a morning or afternoon with your family, then save the other day for just your little family.

He needs to loosen up about you and the kids going without him, though. If you're going off every weekend, I can see how he'd not like that, but on occasion, that shouldn't bother him. He shouldn't have to be around more people than just his own family, if he doesn't want to, but he also shouldn't stop you and the kids from visiting your parents or siblings without him.

My best friends dh left for the same reason, and weirdly the same thing happened with her own mother and stepfather. Then her sisters dh left for the same reason. Now not one of them are together now. None of them get it. Still.

For example if you'd be at home, doing nothing much at all you should go to the bbq

Nothing wrong with being at home doing nothing much, especially if the weather's very hot, as it is in some places this weekend. It's not necessary to be on the go all the time; everyone benefits from having downtime just to chill out sometimes.

The man has asked for family time with his children and wife.

Her deciding to leave him alone so she can centre her birth family yet again is hardly fair. is it?

My friend's marraige broken up for exactly this reason.

Her ex husband always prioritised his mother and siblings over his own wife and children.

My friend would gave been happy if it had even been 50/50 but he failed to realise he had a new family and new priories now. They still came second and were second choice every time.

Despite it being discussed umpteen times before their split, her husband was still shocked and just didn't get it. You sound like you aren't getting it either.

Your marraige is on the line, do you want to save it?

He’s more than done his share of compromising, now you do your bit. And properly. Don’t bring up the bbq to him or your DC and invest in time just the 4 of you instead of resenting what you seem to feel is a sacrifice on your part.

Why did you start the counselling? Are you really prepared to make changes or mainly hoping he will?

Really depends on what you'd be doing if not going to the bbq? For example if you'd be at home, doing nothing much at all you should go to the bbq,dh should have the option to go or not , if you'd be away out spending quality time together, you should miss the bbq as agreed.
Everyone is focusing on the long weekend away, but is that a regular thing or a Complete one off? that makes a big difference.
Dh doesn't actually get to decide if you spend time with your family or not, it actually sounds like dh wants his own way or gets grumpy, but we dont know how much time you spend with your extended family to know if your being reasonable or not.

Counselling for this? YABU you've gone back on what you said. Your poor DH.

How is that the DH spending time with the wife and kids, without the extended family involved?

It smacks of avoidance

Take the kids to the bbq and husband can have some time to himself. Would that work?

Oh come on. This isn’t isolating anyone from their family and friends.

They literally just spent three day away with her family? What an odd thing to ask in this scenario.

You already know YABU you were just hoping a few more people would see your point of view, unfortunately not though.

But even if it’s about ‘trading’ a day of ‘his’ weekend, you’d still be making it very clear that you don’t actually value time spent as a nuclear family. You are only interested in your extended family life.

This isn’t a man trying to avoid family time with his children (and his wife!); it’s you still viewing your birth family as the main family and clearly showing your husband that time with just him and the kids is not really what you care about.

Is he a bit controlling? Is he slowly isolating you from your family and friends?

I have to agree with the majority of posters. It sounds like he has compromised a lot over the years. Do you not enjoy just spending time with your nuclear family? We have spent today pottering in the garden, sunbathing and eating ice cream, youngest has done some painting in the shade. It's done us the world of good and been a perfect day.

Wow you're off to a great start aren't you. You've agreed to compromise and now are hoping MNers will give you permission to neg on your commitment.
He's just spent a long weekend with your family. You got to choose what the family did that weekend. Thats pretty intense.
Now it's 'his' weekend and you want to decide again! Of course you could ask him if he's happy to 'trade' a day and you (and the kids?) attend the BBQ and you 'owe' him another day, but if he says no, he wanted to spend the weekend as a family you really need to stick with this. If you want more freedom to chose events you need to book less in.

do you not enjoy spending Time with just your husband and kids? I love my family too but god it's nice to go home to your own family. I have friends who can not do anything without their family and I know its tested their marriages big time. there has to be some compromises made so am with yoir husband on this

Things are different now you have children though, THEY are your family!

It must be pretty shit feeling second best to your family, your needs.
I get on with my dhs family super well, but couldn’t face seeing anyone’s family that much!!

The happy medium is the compromise.

You had the whole of last weekend with your family. You can’t possibly have though spending time with them this weekend was a happy medium.

He absolutely can not stop you spending time with them. He doesn’t have to. But he did. As part of the compromise. You need to show willing.

What was he like pre children and socialising with your family?