Marraige compromise

I find this odd, why wouldn't you except and invitation to a function and then the other weekends without invitation spend time alone with your family. It seems slightly immature to be an every other weekend rather than planning stuff to do solo as a family on weekends without prior engagements. Obviously if you had already got plans as a family then you'd miss out

Hmmm. I think it's a bit worrying that he doesn't want you to see your family, even without him, and that if you do he is grumpy for days afterwards. That makes me wonder if he is controlling. Do you work? Do you see friends? Is he ok about you doing those things? What about his family, do you (as a whole family) spend time with them too? And when he says he wants to spend family time the 4 of you (which is fair enough) is there anything in particular that he wants to do ie weekends away, days out, family activities at home? Or does he just want quiet time at home doing his own thing while you look after the kids and don't see anyone else?

Does he find your family a little bit overpowering? If he does, then he's very reasonable to want a degree of compromise. Have you discussed it?

If you don’t like the thought of spending time with your own family and they’re not enough for you then why don’t you go to the bbq yourself and let your husband take the kids out.
its normal for people to want to spend time with just their own family and not have to be constantly with the in-laws/brothers/cousins etc as it cans be stressful and tedious.
he’s kept to his end of the bargain so you should respectfully keep to yours too.

YABU OP, how much time do you spend with your in-laws? Is there balance? It’s unfair to expect your DH only to socialise with your family. Of course, you need time as a family of four. You were away last weekend with your family. Perhaps your DH doesnt feel comfortable around them or perhaps it’s just too much. I have a friend who both of her marriages ended, and I think this was the big factor, she wants to be at her parents, every weekend, going on hols together etc. Think about what you want, out of life OP. It doesn’t need to be a choice, but they needs to be balance for the marriage to survive.

as he says. An ex of mine was like that and I couldn’t live with it any longer. A nightmare…

A balance is the compromise.

If you marriage was in trouble and you agreed to spend time as a family alone and time with extended family as well. You would enjoy the benefits (dh socialising with your family for an entire weekend) then go back on the agreement because you couldn’t stand to miss one BBQ?

Surely you wouldn’t have agreed to compromise in the first place?

The husband agreed to a balance. He is fulfilling his end of the compromise.

I don’t really see how that’s different to what everyone else has said.

i had promised to spend this weekend just us.
You must keep your promise, you know that. How would you feel if you had last weekend with just the 4 of you, he had promised you that you’d all go to a big family gathering this weekend, and then he said he’d changed his mind?
Not going to every event that your family put on isn’t “missing out”. It’s part of being married and having kids of your own.

Have your own BBQ for yourselves?

Of course you should be the one to compromise. That's the point of compromise. Otherwise you're always getting what you want and he's the secondary person in the relationship rather than an equal partner... and that way resentment and eventually the end of all love/kindness/care lies

I'm obviously on my own here judging by the comments but I couldn't stand this if my DH didn't want to go and also didn't want me to go. Luckily we both enjoy spending time with others as well as on our own so we don't have this issue, but I'd struggle having to not to go an occasion because he didn't want to.

The happy medium here is sometimes with extended family and sometimes alone. If you're never doing things alone then that's an issue. If you're never doing things with extended family that's also an issue.

I wouldn't put a BBQ over my marriage tbh.

I cannot imagine anything WORSE than being married to someone who wanted to socialise with aunties, cousins and siblings every fecking weekend.

That’s really sad that you see time with your family (who you live with) as “ missing out”

how on earth his he controlling when they have just spent an entire weekend with her family ?? 🤔🤷‍♀️ and I am sure if it's controlling the counsellor wouldn't have recommend she do a little bit fo compromising

So you spent an entire weekend with your extended family? I can't believe that you are even thinking about your brothers bbq.

I think that you need to think about why you'd prefer not to socialise with just your h and kids. Do you ever do stuff just with your husband? I'm guessing that your family would babysit so that you could have some adult time. It sounds like there is something that you're trying to run away from and I wonder if you're just bored of your h?

I really don't get it. if you don't enjoy spending time with your husband or partner why are you with them ?

It can't be nice for him thinking that you can only have a good time as a family if that includes your extended family. We all know what a group setting is like - it's not exactly conducive to intimate conversation and maybe, just maybe, your DH would like to have a quieter time at weekends catching up with you and your DC? The other issue is it's always YOUR family. Do you see his often as well? If they were having a BBQ would you feel like you were missing out as much? If my family weren't getting a look in I'd feel cross too.

I genuinely think that some people just can't bear being alone with their partner, they have to spend all of their free time and holidays with other people.

I think that you should discuss the FOMO thing at your next session. It shouldn't be making you prioritise your extended family over your current family. If your extended family socialise together every/most weekends then I can see why your h is irritated by that. It's good that he made the effort to go away with them but I can see why he'd be irritated if it's every/most weekends.

Do you ever socialise with his extended family?

Agree.

I am very much of the opinion in that the family that you come from is important, but the family you create is your priority.

You sound hard work.

My SIL used to always be organising family get togethers, lots of food, drinks, noise, tons of people. I went for ages, but truthfully, it wasn't my cup of tea. When we moved I made sure it was far enough away that I had an excuse not to attend. Please just stick to the compromise, it can be hell going to big get togethers if it's just not you. Have some fun with him and your kids.

Get your priorities straight. Your problem is not about a barbecue.

He wants time with his wife and kids - so how does that work?