Son hardly ever calls

I think this is spot on.

Our dc aren't responsible for stopping us from being lonely. We all have to take responsibility for that ourselves.

OP I have no idea how old you are, whether you drive, how fit and well you are, and (importantly) how recently you were widowed. All these will impact. However, you have had lots of helpful suggestions on here about things like keeping in touch via whatsapp rather than long phone calls, and about you getting in touch rather than sitting there waiting for him to.

My ds rarely calls me, but we usually have contact most days, via one of the WhatsApp groups. Oh, and to dispute the 'men don't call thing' he is more likely to be in touch with me than either of my dds.
However, I live my own life, and don't rely on my dc to stop me being lonely.

@Sarahtm35 "Just try and be as accommodating and helpful as possible so that your son feel like he owes you the effort."

This really isn't how healthy relationships work.

Nailed it 👌

I've been thinking about this situation a lot recently. I have one DS, no other children and my DM passed away 18 months ago.

When DM first passed we obviously spent a lot of time with DF. However, as time passes, he doesn't seem able to take (or want to take) responsibility for addressing his loneliness and building up interests and hobbies etc. It's all on me and DB to fill his time and be his emotional support and, to be very honest, it's a heavy burden to bear, feeling I'm responsible for his happiness. He also won't learn how to text or what's app. It has to be in person visits or long phone calls, which I don't always have the time for and then end up feeling horribly guilty about.

It's certainly made me think I never want my DS to feel like that. I think try to come to an arrangement with your DS to have regular contact but, as others have said, also take charge of your life and build up your own interests so you're not solely reliant on him. In the nicest possible way, your DS should of course care you're ok, but he isn't responsible for your happiness.

Maybe try and invite them to dinner once a month if you can or offer to take the grandchildren to the cinema or zoo or somewhere. Just try and be as accommodating and helpful as possible so that your son feel like he owes you the effort.
How is your relationship with his wife? Could you perhaps call her or message her?.
Try and take a keen interest in their lives, and offer help as much as you can.
that way you won’t come across as as someone they feel obligated to contact but rather someone they feel they ‘need’ to contact.
it must be very hard for you. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to be this way, it’s very busy having a job and family to care for. I often have to remind my husband to go and see his mum and she only lives up the road. But the reality is he works 6 days a week and sometimes he’s so knackered he can’t even be bothered to do anything else and the days and weeks whizz by so fast.
if you’re on good terms with his wife perhaps she’ll help with encouraging him to keep in contact.

My OH calls his mum every day - much more than me - but that doesn’t mean men are better at calling their parents.

I just don't' think boys (sorry I'm generalising) are as good as calling their mums as girls are. I call my husband's mum more than my husband does!!

This is like saying ‘boys will be boys’, or ‘men aren’t good at housework’. Of course they are perfectly good at housework if they can be arsed to do it or see it as their responsibility.

How often do you speak to him - I don't think you've answered that one?

Also if you're not coping, why do you think it's your DSs job to sort that out for you ? I can see if it's maybe physical things you need doing, but if it's an emotional need then you need to widen your circle a bit, maybe speak to a counsellor if you feel you can't start other friendships or activities.

Are you included for things like Christmas and special birthdays? Could you build your relationship directly with the DGCs a bit more now they are a bit older ?

I would ring him once or twice a,week, but also try to make contact with other people, through hobbies or classes etc. I joined a shared reading group, and I love it, as although I don't like just chatting or gossiping it gives you a shared experience tto talk about, not anything very academic, but what the reading made you feel or remember. I also attend a seated exercise class, as my mobility isn't very good, and all the attendees are similar, with ages from 50s to 80s. I am mostly happy on my own but find I do feel better generally with at least a couple of days where I see other people.

@TrioofTrumps "Days out don’t have to be expensive, it could be a picnic in the park. The OP is talking about loneliness and spending time with all her close family could help."

Yes. But she also would like contact with her son. 2 different things.

Days out don’t have to be expensive, it could be a picnic in the park. The OP is talking about loneliness and spending time with all her close family could help.

@TrioofTrumps " but why would a grandparent not want a relationship with their grandchildren?"

I just don't see why her contact with her son should be dependent on her babysitting or paying for days out.

What were your plans for avoiding loneliness as you aged?

Well I think half an hour away and little face to face contact is pretty odd - the specificity of phone calls made me think you must be quite far apart!

I think you should get hold of him and have a heart to heart about your feelings - tell him that just because you appear to be coping well without DH doesn't mean you are, and that you would like to spend more time with him, his wife and children and be closer to them all. Maybe google somewhere nearby you could all go to like a museum or aquarium and suggest it to him.

DH calls his mum on FB video call every couple of weeks, but they message back and forth on FB messenger much more frequently, they never do "phone calls".

That's the same as me and DD. The idea of having long mother/daughter chats is an alien concept to the both of us. Our calls last about 2 minutes unless we have something major to talk about.

@CurlewKate but why would a grandparent not want a relationship with their grandchildren? It sounds like she used to look after them while dil worked but this contact seems to have stopped now it isn’t ‘needed’ which also sounds very one sided.

Amused at the number of people saying -or implying- that if you want a relationship with your adult son you need to baby sit, or pay for days out! Seriously? Is that really how it works?

I find using the phone difficult because of my deafness. DDs and I wattsapp mostly but not every day and I've just begun emailing with DGS also aged 10.

Sensible advice here.
Also invite for days out, trips away dependong on finances, Sunday luncues offer to babysit etc

That was in response to the poster who asserted that boys don’t call and girls do. Mine are the opposite.

Sow*

You can't just say "that's the bad luck of mothers of sons I think" = bullshite

Unfortunately in life, you reap what you slow. Be honest with him and say you aren't coping.

So OP, you said you live half an hour away.

1. How often do you see them.

1. How often do you speak on the phone?

1. How often do you message?

Maybe you could set something up like once a month you have them round for a roast Sunday dinner. Then once a month you have the children overnight so their parents can have a date night. That way you will physically see them all once a fortnight.

It can be hard managing clubs for kids. Maybe offering to drive the kids to Judo/Scouts/ballet once a week would be helpful to them plus get you to see more of them.

I'm sure that her feel much better, especially with the laughing emoji

“I do know they see more of her parents than me, but that's the bad luck of mothers of sons I think.”

No, it’s not bad luck, it’s learned behaviour and previous expectations.
Honestly, growing up how many times did your son see his dad arrange the family social events with your family and even your husband’s side of the family?

How often do you see them now?