Sister and babysitting

Oh sorry about your mum @Notanothermoan.
I don’t know how I missed that bit. (Was middle of the night in Aus when I wrote.)

Their mum died. That’s why the sisters are being asked to help more because their mum used to help loads with the tricky little girl

I think you and your other sisters (and your mum if she will) need to have a strong chat with her about how she is borderline neglecting her DD. It’s not in a way that will get the child removed, but she needs extra help and she’s not being proactive about getting the care she needs. It’s a bit hypocritical to then turn around and cry about how exhausted she is due to her DD’s condition and expect everyone else to come to her rescue and look after her while she lefts off steam. She needs to grow up and accept that she is a parent, not a teenager. Just because all of her friends are going out partying doesn’t mean she is entitled to.

I think she's asking far too much of you all. You can't be expected to help her parent because she's single and has a SEN child. You all have lives and families of your own, it's going to impact them in the end. Think of your own DC and your relationship with your DP/DH, they have to cone first. Your DS needs to seek more support from outside the family and accept her life for what it is. This may sound harsh but she chose to have a baby. When we have a baby we all realise that we will have the responsibility to care for them forever and no relationship is a certain so we must accept one day we could become single parents. Your DS has been dealt a tough hand in life but she's a grown adult and has to learn to cope with her own child. The not turning up on time or even on the same day would make me say no straight away. She's being disrespectful and disregarding her families time and plans, this is not ok under any circumstances. Ignore the guilt trip too, this is childish behaviour trying to push you all into a corner so you'll do what she wants. She needs to grow up and take care of her DD.

and she’ll be doing a EHCP at school, nursery we’re going to do this but as she leaves next month they don’t have the time due to it taking a long time. She has been there since September

Absolutely no reason to leave it till then-the nursery or mum should be starting the process now. This is why so many children arrive in school with absolutely nothing in place-expecting the school to do everything! There’s over three months till she starts school-plenty of time to get the ball rolling.

but until she has a diagnosis like I’m waiting on she will have to hold tight once he has that in place the support will come thick and fast think you’ll find

I’m not sure what ‘thick and fast’ support other areas get, but round here, you get a diagnosis letter, a page of website to look at and a discharge letter from the paediatrician.

The EHC plan is different, and could (depending on funding) provide tangible help, but this is based on need and not diagnosis. I wouldn’t be waiting until a child is at school to put a request in though if needs are high, I would be doing a parental request. Does the child attend a nursery, @Notanothermoan ?

Back to the original question-nobody is entitled to a whole week away from their children on a girls weekend. If you have someone ready and willing to have your kids, that’s different, but that isn’t the case here. I’d be spending any available time you are happy to commit to, supporting with what’s needed for an EHCP, not for her to have a week drinking.

No way my son is exactly the same age 4 currently going through ehcp and I wouldn’t ever expect anyone to have him over night even if they wanted too I would allow it but I wouldn’t organise anything incase I got the call! Yanbu. I sympathise for your sister but until she has a diagnosis like I’m waiting on she will have to hold tight once he has that in place the support will come thick and fast think you’ll find x

@Notanothermoan thanks for answering my questions. So your DM used to say No to 2 nights but your Sister would turn her phone off so she had no choice and now your Sisters trying to make you take her for a week, it's getting worse not better.
I know you don't want a family row but could you and your sisters sit her down and try and get her to see this can't go on, she needs to get help for her DC from professionals. She's afraid of losing her DC but it could happen if she doesn't get help.

You did it for a friend? You admitted the child didn't have so many needs so I assume that child wasn't awake til 5am every morning. Did you also have an 8 week old baby?

She's bonkers.

Sorry, party animal days ended when she chose to be a parent. The child's SEN is irrelevant.

No, you definitely shouldn’t do this.

You have an 8 week old. Sleep must be pretty hard to come by, without adding a non sleeping pre schooler to the mix.

Your sister will just have to wait for her girls week away.

Honestly, how many parents get a week away child free anyway? Even those in couples, even those whose children would be no trouble for wider family members, still don’t get weeks away.

Hi OP, I haven't read the full thread but unfortunately the most likely outcome of your niece going to school is that she won't be able to go to school and it will take possibly years to find her a suitable place.

Please go on the IPSEA website (they're an independent charity) and read everything there.

You could be very useful to your sister by educating yourself on how EHCPs work (well, they often don't, but knowing your legal rights is a start).

@thomaswastortured is a very knowledgeable poster.

Sisters stepping in and the mother / child not getting appropriate support from services mean this will not change in the long term .
Woman's aid , social services , gp , health visitors , paediatricians, early support services . These should all be involved .
I speak as a recently retired professional who worked in disability services for over 30 years .
Not judging , yes it's hard but this mum is walking away and putting herself first . Sadly I've seen it before when parents get overwhelmed by their child's needs . She needs help learning how to manage her daughters needs , holidays may come later .

Stop being so sanctimonious. Doesn't sound like the sister is in any position to put children's needs first. She needs a break but also support to realise how shit her life is, domestic violence, losing her mum and being sole charge of sn child. Doesn't sound like she's processed any of it and needs support not vitriol

@mumofblu get some empathy. Or don't. I know what I would do and have done in this situation. I have a normal life with ups and a lot of downs but I also habe a partner. No parents but good friends. They haven't paid me back, and I have been without support in the past. This makes me even more determined to help others. It's fucking shit and madd me bonkers to the extent that I couldn't cope and was actively suicidal.

What happened to putting children's needs first ?

Plus it's all very well saying you haven't had a jolidY or you had to deL with SN and managed it. But that doesn't make it right, nice or easy.
Families are there to support each other. Sister can't seem to support herself let alone her child. One day she migjt be able to and thrn repay in some way but its not a tit for tat. In this case the other sisters have partners or family support. One week will not kill ops family but it migjt really help the sister. Ffs try being single with domestic violence and a child. Let alone one with special needs. WhT happened to being kind?

@Itsallovernow23
Seriously , every sister has young children , babies or expecting . What are they supposed to do with their own children or is niece expected to stay over in a house thats not familiar to her .
This is the most selfish attitude I've ever heard

I would do it. I have done it for a friend although not with so many needs but it's a week out of your life. She has this most of the time. Fucking hard. Give her a break and have one uncomfortable week.

It does sound like your sister is struggling with a young child with high needs and challenging behaviour . She had a lot of support from your mum who offered a lot that your sister often overstepped . As someone said this is your sisters lot in life and whether her child has extra needs or not , going on holiday with friends is not a given right when you have children . A night out yes but not a week away . And I agree with others who say your niece sounds like she needs routine and consistency and that comes from a constant parent . Your sister sounds like she has developed strategies that may not be great for your niece . Her behaviour sounds like she may be on the Asd spectrum . Your sister could attend training or read about autism and behaviour while waiting for diagnosis . Don't feel guilty , your mum chose to give the care she did because she wanted to help and more importantly had the time to do it .
Diagnosis are taking a long time , but at least she is near school age and that should give your sister a break she undoubtedly needs .

I'm really sorry for the loss of your Mum, it sounds as if you were really close.

I wouldn't do this, no. I adore my niece and nephew and have had them overnight many times.

However, in your situation I would not ever have them overnight. You have to put your own children and mental health first and a child who is noisily staying up until 5am is not someone I'd choose to be in a house overnight with my children (or me!). If I was child free, yes I would do this for respite purposes, but I'm not and neither are you.

Having your niece so she can go and party with her child free friends doesn't seem right, given how upset your niece is without her Mum.

I don't know how hard your sister has fought for a diagnosis and I won't judge but it certainly seems as though she could push harder.

My son has additional needs so I know how exhausting it can be. But I also know that advocating for your child becomes a 2nd job and your sister sounds like she is failing your niece by not pushing for support.

When my son started school he was also still in nappies, speech delayed and needed significant additional support. By this point in the year we had already started discussions with his school and organised an enhanced transition plan and also developed and intimate care and toileting plan. It's really not fair to just drop that on the school without preparation. Surely your niece will need prepared for school too.

I'm very surprised that nursery have not suggested an EHCP. If I was your sister I would be instigating this now as it takes months to get it in place.

I do feel for her but she really needs to grow up and make her daughter her number one priority. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it's the reality of being a SEN parent.

I agree with this advice

Absolutely not. Your sister needs to be giving her child stability, not disappearing on the piss.

If she is that high need, I would be encouraging your sister her to apply for an EHCP before starting school. It’s based on need, not diagnosis, so I absolutely wouldn’t be waiting for a diagnosis or for her to start a mainstream school without appropriate support.