Leaving out dds bully

I was that mum in Year 3 who left one child out of 30 out of the party after she had been vile to my child. She was a bully all throughout primary and secondary. Didn’t regret it - my child had a lovely party.

In this situation I absolutely would not invite a child who had bullied my child to the extent that they were on report for their behaviour and had been told to stay away from my children. You have tried to speak to the parent with success. I also wouldn't punish other children in the class by excluding them just because of one child's bullying. Actions have consequences. If my child was being awful to other kids I certainly wouldn't expect an invite to be extended to a party of a child whose mother had already had words with me about bullying.
I wouldn't go so far as to hand out invites in front of excluded child at the school gates but I wouldn't push my child to invite someone to her celebration who is going to ruin it for her. That's not fair at all.

I’m not sure why you should be obliged to bend over backwards to spare the feelings of your daughters bully.

Have the party she wants.

I was bullied at around 6 by someone the same age. OPs dd I the victim here, not the bully.

I'm normally very much a "you can't leave one kid out just because they are a bit of a terror/don't really play with you kid" etc but in this case I'd have no issue leaving that kid out.

Hope your dd enjoys her party!

Ordinarily, I wouldn't leave out one child, but given the history of bullying... Honestly, I wouldn't feel bad about it. If you do, just invite her 'better' friends from the class, as pp have suggested. I don't think you're morally obligated to invite a bully to a party, though. Actions have consequences, and bullies aren't liked. The bully needs to learn that, sooner or later.

Said child is 6. Their behaviour is in response to something, it sounds like their behaviour is out of control but I don't think a 6 year old is a bully - lashing out and being mean, yes, but I don't think they are fully aware of the implications of their behaviour at that age.

The child is bullying your dd it is absolutely fine to leave her out, you have to put dd first in this situation

This exact situation was on good morning Britain yesterday for a debate, here’s the YouTube link if you want to watch it and reassure yourself that the vast majority of people would agree with what you’re doing

A young child does not have the same maturity, life skills, processing skills, self awareness or self control like an adult does.
Her behaviour is a reaction to something that is happening to her or has happened to her, her behaviour does not sound typical and could well be Sen.
I think to leave out one child is cruel, this happened in my child's class years back and a lot of people were talking about the parent who's child's party is was, a lot thought it spiteful and immature and a few didn't turn up in protest!
I am of the impression that a child of this age doesn't not understand the implications of their actions fully their brain hasn't developed fully so I am loathe to call them bullies at such a young age.
Also the school will not allow invites to be handed out in class when there is only one child uninvited.
That being said it's your child's party and her wishes must come first it's fine not to invite the child but it's a cruel punishment for the child to be the only one not invited.

Could you invite the child but tell the parents the child can only attend if the parents stay for the whole party and make sure the child behaves? It's the only reasonable-ish alternative I can come up with if you don't want to go with capping numbers / leaving one child out, plus it has the added benefit of shaming the parents a little bit 🙈

I would not leave a single child out at that age. I would cap numbers instead.

I would limit numbers so not everyone is invited. However if you do I wouldn’t invite her and when her mother kicks off I would reintegrate what you said in your op about her bullying and the school know

I agree with this, absolutely don’t invite the child but don’t be the parent who deliberately excludes one child from a whole cohort.

Yep leave out the bully.

The parents are obviously incompetent so maybe this will show the child the consequences of her actions.

Exactly this. She needbsto learn that her actions have consequences. I wouldn't care if she was the only one not invited. If the mother says anything, I'd just be saying that none of the other kids bully your DD so they were invited.

I wouldn’t invite the bully, but I wouldn’t only leave one 6 year old out either.

Also you can’t know that there is ‘definitely no Sen’… plenty of children are undiagnosed at 6 (or even as adults).

So either OPs daughter should have to have her bully st her party, or some other children who have done nothing wrong are excluded? All to protect the feelings of a bully?

It's not bullying to not invite a bully to a party, its just natural consequences.

I'm surprised you and so many other posters would rather cap the number of children than simply leave the bully out. You are essentially punishing the other children to spare the feelings of the bully. Why? Why should these kids miss out and the birthday child miss out on the party they want in order to protect the feelings of a bully?

There was much debate in the tv about this yesterday as a parent had complained to the school when her daughter wasn’t invited.
I have my own views on this. Your DD a has a right to have who she wants at her party she is a person on her own right as just because she is a child doesn’t mean she has to accept that her bully goes to her party. No way would I invite the bully. It would not bother me in the slightest if one of mine invited all the class and left out the bully. That is life and the bully may learn a valuable lesson if a couple of kiddies all did the same thing with their parties. By pampering after her she will carry on. It is obvious the parent will not teach her about how to behaviour on not to behaviour so maybe kids can do this by not tolerating her at a party .
I have experience of this first hand as one of my school mums invited all the class including her DS tormenter. I ended up having to take the child and sit with him till his parents arrived as he wanted to Ruin the party. He succeeded.

Do tell …how did he just turn up

Of course you shouldn’t invite them, your DD’s feeling matter more.

It’s not bullying to leave one child out if the reason is that they have been horrid to the birthday child! It would only be bullying if your DC just didn’t want them there for no reason or if they claimed this was the only child in the class they didn’t play with. OP, just invite the people your daughter wants there and who will make her have a fun party. Don’t teach your daughter to be a doormat by changing her plans to avoid upsetting her own bully!

This, leaving one child out is also bullying. Invite less children so she isn't the only one left out.

Couple of reasons for that - it may be against school policy to hand out invites at school which do not include whole class, also this could be turned around and happen to your child and you wouldn't have a leg to stand on and would be very upsetting towards your dear cbild.

This sounds unkind. A six year old is still learning and developing and is still really young. You shouldn't be bullying her back as an adult by excluding just her from a whole class party. Either include her as well or invite no more than 2/3rds of the class.

Perfectly reasonable.