Leaving out dds bully

@dozydoo look at this way. If being a people pleaser causes you this much stress, wouldn’t you rather set an assertive example to your DD so she can learn to avoid this sort of situation in future? My mum was a people pleaser and it meant I had no backbone growing up. I have one now that I have DC!

Fair comment, ignore that part of my post.

So ignore the birthday child's wishes and spoil her birthday then 🙄

Don’t invite her.

I would do this and wouldn't even feel a bit bad. Anyone who bullies my child, I could care less.

No way would she be getting an invite. Why would you make a child, especially a girl, invite someone who made her feel unsafe to her birthday celebration. Here we are asking the world to listen to us as adult women that we should be allowed safe spaces from those who we feel threatened by and yet it's ok when it's a small child. It's her birthday, she should be able to enjoy it and feel safe and happy. The fall out from not inviting her is her parents responsibility, not yours.

It's pretty sick and disgusting to expect your child to have to put up with a bully on their birthday.

Whatever way you do it don't invite the bully.

I did not say OP should force her child to invite the bully.

Don't invite her.

The teachers are involved and she has been told she is to stay away from all three of my children at that school

Bully girl has been told to stay away from all 3 of your children, why on earth would you invite her to your child's party. Don't so it.

This WILL hurt but she will learn and so will her bloody dismissive mother. There is a clear message in it.

I wouldn’t invite the girl if she’s been told by the school to keep away from your three, it’s contradictory and could foreseeably lead to more problems. I’m glad the school are listening.

Agree that the answer to bullying probably isn’t excluding one child either; it feels pointed and unpleasant. I’m inclined to think that the parents are at fault way more than the child, she’s quite young to be in so much trouble. Although that doesn’t mean you’ve to sacrifice your daughter’s happiness and security on her birthday (or any other day).

Unless your DD is wildly keen on everyone else but her, I’d probably invite thirteen from the class and make up the numbers a bit with siblings’ friends, neighbour kids, cousins, the children of your friends, if you want. (We had twenty-odd eight year olds at a bouncy party once and it was an abject shitshow, I spent the whole afternoon running around after everyone and barely got to see my child! Nearly forgot to take photos of her blowing out the candles because someone was having a rager!)

So if 6 is too young to understand actions = consequences then ops DD is also too young to understand why mummy is forcing her to invite a child who is making her unhappy or making her change who she invites surely?

I'd rather upset a bully than my own child tbh.

I wouldn't invite her as it's not fair to your child. But as a side note you can know that there's definitely no SEN.

Some of the invited guests won't come anyway. Absences won't attract attention.

If anyone asks where Bullygirl is, just say " she couldn't come". IF they ask "is it true she wasn't invited ? " Just say "Yes; they don't get on.".

It's pretty unlikely the bully's mum is going to draw attention to the lack of invitation. because they she'd have to explain it.

I wouldn’t look at this as leaving her out. You are inviting 25 children and she isn't one of them. If anyone asks the party is made up of her friends which are mostly classmates, some neighbours and relatives. It would also send a mixed message to the child who has been asked to stay away to suddenly invite her for a treat. I would however ensure your daughter knows not to crow over her or use it as leverage (not saying she will, but lots of little children would!)

She's being kept away from all your kids at school. The school clearly know about the issues. The mum also does, even if she doesn't give a toss.

Don't invite. If asked by the bully mum or the school, do your best confused face and explain that the school are deliberately separating them for safety reasons, so it would obviously be usafe to invite her, yet unfair to disinclude others simply due to the bully's unkind and unsafe behaviour.

It's not bullying to miss out only one, when with a defendable reason imo. I spent a playtime in a staff office with a younger primary child showing unkind behaviour only today - can't keep your hands to yourself, then you can't play with the other children. Don't expect to give out the invitations at school though!

I'm not inviting my DS's bully to his party later this year. It's not us bullying him, I just think that DS gets assaulted by this child a few times a week, he shouldn't have to endure it at his own birthday party too. I won't be potentially disappointing other children to spare his feelings either by changing the numbers. The bully has no one to blame but himself.

Sorry, but I think you are wrong.

No one has kindly feelings toward the child who is bullying their own DC. As adults, however, we are the ones who should be expected to manage our feelings better - a child of that age can't - and to model the value of tact and compromise to our kids.

The child in question is just six years old. This is too young to understand and manage their emotions; or, for that matter, to piece together the 'actions = consequences' correlation of having left them out of a party the whole remainder of the class is attending.

A smaller collection of friends rather than a 'whole class' party is also hardly a punishment. Were the entire cohort aware of OP's intentions to invite them to start with; had invitations been sent and later rescinded? Was OP's DC fully appraised of the process? If not, then the suggestion that this amounts to 'punishment' is a little OTT.

I can well understand why OP would not want to be the person singling out any particular child: that is the question she wants answered in her original post. I wouldn't want to, either.

Your DD invites the children she wants to invite. And if it turns out it's the whole class? Meh

Maybe bully's mum will finally understand if she finds out

Leave her out. She has to understand there are consequences to her actions. If her mum hadn’t been so dismissive in the the first place she might be been able to improve her behaviour.

Do not include the bully.
It's your daughter's birthday and that's no place for someone who is horrible to her.

I wouldn't invite the bully but I wouldn't just leave her out. I have always asked my children to tell me who want to invite. I don't see the point of full class parties where kids who don't play with each other invite each other. I can only imagine it's much more fun to have a party with the elope you like the best!

I was also bullied from around the same age for a long time.

Perhaps, if instead of pandering to her feelings, she'd have been taught actions have consequences so she wouldn't have ended up with me making a mess of her face some years later.

No sympathy for bullies.

I would have no problem in not inviting her and inviting the rest of her class if thats what she wants, its your Dds birthday party, she shouldn't have to entertain someone who is bullying her on her birthday