Leaving out dds bully

You would be undermining the school's actions to invite her, in a way.

I wouldn't want to invite this girl. But I don't think that six and seven-year-olds entirely make the link between "I am a bully" = "I therefore don't get invited to parties". I think they're more inclined to think "I don't get invited to parties" = "everyone is being mean to me", and then they become even more likely to bully other children.

I actually wouldn't know what to do in this situation. It helps, a bit, that school has said that this girl isn't to go anywhere near your children, OP, as that does make it easier to exclude her for a clear and 'external' reason. But the girl clearly has problems, and excluding her is likely to make her behave even more badly (not that this is your problem - unless she takes it out on your daughter).
I think I'd probably end up going down the 'limit the numbers' route.

There was a girl a bit like this at one of my children's schools. The other parents were all up in arms about it (she didn't just 'pick on' one child - her behaviour generally was problematic). The girl's parents were a PITA too. Several parents threatened to withdraw their children, and the girl in question was asked to leave. Though, again, all this does is shovel the problem onto some other poor school.

I wouldn't think twice about leaving her out.

She's already not permitted to be around your child on school premises so why on earth should your DD be subjected to her at her own birthday party? It also waters down the action taken by the school.

My son is having a party in the summer, we have invited the whole class apart from 1 child. My husband used to work with his mum & she made my husbands time at that job a misery to the point he actully left without another job to go to. She comes across all lovely in the playground but we know what she's really like. I've also seen how her child behaves during class/ school performances & how he's behaved at other parties we've been too + heard her basically bragging in the playground about his awful behaviour, she does nothing to stop his behaviour & seems to find it funny so when I'm spending several hundred pounds on this I don't want, for better words the class trouble maker & his mum there.

It sends mixed messages to the bullying child if she is invited. She will reason that if she is still invited to parties, people aren't really bothered by her bullying, and will continue to bully.

As to your DD's party - "we've had her party booked for a while, she's in a class of 20, and we can only invite 25 kids to the party". 25 is the maximum you can invite. Yes you've paid for 25, but - so what? You can invite 24, 19, 18, 12, 3. If you want to invite all the class bar the bully, you can. If you want to invite a mix of schoolfriends and family/neighbours, you can. The only thing you cannot do is invite 26.

How is your DD going to feel when the other child invites everyone but her to her party?

Under the circumstances that the children are to be kept apart at school, it would go against all measures put in place to protect your dd. Normally though, I wouldn’t advocate leaving one or 2 children out though.

Absolutely exclude her. You definitely shouldn't include her. If she's the only one, so be it.
If the other kinds have s great time at the party it will help her alliances against the nasty child.
It isn't like you are going to tell everyone she's not invited, not everyone accepts invitations anyway if they have other stuff on, so you're not publicly shaming her. She just isn't on the guest list. She'll know why and that's not a bad thing, no one else will notice.

This has clearly touched a nerve for you somanycats but you must see that this is an awful lesson? Kill your tormentor with kindness so they are less nasty to you? Is the next step being quiet and demure with dinner on the stove so DH doesn’t beat her up?

This girl has been told to stay away from your kids at school so it logically follows that you shouldn’t be encouraging her to be near them outside school by inviting her to the party!

as PP has said don’t explicitly say to anyone that you’re inviting all the rest. Do invites as discreetly as possible and maybe tell parents you’re friends with / parents of other kids this one has bullied what you’re doing and try to encourage their kids not to make a big deal about the party at school. Presumably a couple of kids won’t be able to attend so it’s not like they’ll get there and every kid in the class will be there except this one.

Like you I am a people pleaser, but after reading both your posts I wouldn’t invite the child if it was my child.

I highly doubt this is the first time this child isn’t invited to a party due to their behaviour and it definitely won’t be the last. Sadly it seems the parents are the root of the problem.

Don’t invite the child and let your daughter enjoy her party with all her friends.

What a strange view...

I certainly wouldn't invite my child's bully to her birthday party, but I also wouldn't do a whole class party. Do you want 20-25 children there or would you be happy to just invite her actual friends even if it was half that number?

If it was me, I would invite proper friends from her class only, and then if necessary maybe make up some of the numbers by inviting friends from other classes, family children, children of friends, friends from outside school clubs, maybe neighbours children if there are any, maybe even a couple of siblings' friends as you mention you have other children. But definitely no bullies.

What I would do is this:

1. Don't mention the party any more to your DD. Any dealings are now between you and the teacher who you're going to ask to distribute the invitations.
2. Invite who you want to be at the party.

Is there any way that you could not invite everyone from her class and do a 50/50 split between classmates and friends from outside of school activities?

OP, I get where you're coming from but the whole point of the party is for your daughter to enjoy her birthday.

The bully is rude as are her parents, so why are you fretting over them? This is a natural consequence of her and their actions.

Invite whoever your daughter wants. If it happens to be everyone else, then do be it. If this was another nice child then I'd have a different view, but a bully? Nah, doesn't warrant an invite at all.

I did. Dd1 was bullied by 2 girls in her class and their older siblings. It was so bad dd1 didn’t speak at school for a year. (We didn’t know about the bullying at first)
I didn’t invite them to her party, don’t care what anyone thinks.

This. Never would I ever invite that child.

I wouldn’t invite a bully. I also wouldn’t invite the whole class. My daughter is friendly with just about everyone in her class but that’s not the same as being good friends. Find out who your daughter’s friends are and invite them.

What's the likeliness of her finding out anyway? How would the child or the parents know if the whole class is invited? Are they going to go round and take a tally (I'd say unlikely if said child is a bully to not only your child but multiple children). If asked (I'd be surprised if you are) just say you invited her friends. That's true. You don't need to say anything about excluding one child only or the whole class being there. I doubt everyone will be able to go anyway. Your children are not friends and the parents know that. When mine were that age they got invited to certain parties and I'm sure didn't to others, I never gave it a second thought or knew any details of anything they missed. That's life! You can't treat people like shit and not face any consequences and you have to learn that at some age or it never sinks in and you just keep repeating the same bad behaviour. Just invite who DD wants and that's fine. If bully child is physically attacking other children and teachers at school I'm not sure a lively party situation with noise and games etc would be ideal anyway. Have a great time.

Yep, got to teach our girls from a young age to always be worried what will happen if they object to something.

Yanbu.
Tough shit for the bully.

This is what happens when you cant act civilised and your parents aren't socialising you properly, you get rejected.

There's is absolutely no way she'd be going to my kids party. I can't believe you'd even make it an issue.

Wow this is a disgusting attitude, victim blaming and let's not upset anyone in case it makes it worse.

Do what you want. Let your daughter dig her own grave if you want. What the hell do you think the 'bully' child will do when she discovers she was the only one left out? If you honestly can't work it out I'll tell you - it's be extra hateful to your DD. And this time with good reason in her own mind. You are feeding the fire not putting it out. Think of an alternative.

This, why on earth would you invite someone who is vile to her?! You wouldn't tolerate this as an adult, but expect a child to? Disgusting to do this on her birthday too.