DP is completely incompetent

He will never learn. Being stubborn wont help, he wont change. I would literally charge him for being his PA. He needs to contribute enough to pay for half the cleaning. He needs to pay for hello fresh and cook it or go without a home cooked meal. He needs to get cooking lessons for his birthday presents.

Ask him what he finds so hard about it. He is being an absolute cunt to either not be willing to learn and expecting you to do it or knowing he can do it and choosing not to and being nasty to you for daring to suggest he ought to do a fair share and call you a nag.

Failing that, I would book couples counselling and tell him he either shows up and engages or you're gone (some employers will pay for a few sessions of counselling).

Do you always fix his fuck-ups? He needs to have the pain and inconvenience of getting it wrong to get it right next time. If he fucks up, it’s on him to un-fuck it. Do not EVER get involved in the solution.

My fella started huffing & puffing because I took a daytime nap yesterday. Said he had “things to do” (drinking beer, watching telly). I actually collapsed into bed after working Saturday, doing a 10k Mini Marathon yesterday (and work again today). He’s in bed right now, and would be very upset if I got the hump about it…

I have ADHD myself. Yes I can be scatter-brained and get overwhelmed. But I don't leave the house in total filth. I have coping mechanisms e.g. setting reminders on my phone, having set times when I do things, keeping 'easy' food in for when I feel too overwhelmed to think about cooking.

It is rolled out as an 'excuse' too often. He just sounds lazy tbh.

So why does he leave his shoes beside the shoe rack; the coffee cupboard door open; dirty cup on work-top above dishwasher; blah blah same shit different day. I’m NOT his mother!!!!!

Apparently I need to ‘coach’ him and not just tell him how/why to do things; explain and for him to develop an ‘emotional’ attachment of the consequences of him not doing…. eg “your shoes there are a potential trip hazard for DM, wouldn’t you feel awful if she fell and broke a hip….”. It’s kind of working.

I prefer my system: shoes on the floor instead of the rack go in a box along with the dirty cup, the discarded envelope from opened post, the random pocket detritus scattered everywhere, etc. Box gets dumped on DP’s desk at the end of the week. It only took doing this a couple of times for him to make more effort: pointing out the shoes he would clearly be thinking “it’s just shoes”. Seeing the volume and quantity of “it’s just this one thing” amassed together showed him the endless fucking labour he was causing me.

In terms of “how do I do this” I refuse to help. He’s a competent adult with a job, as am I. I wouldn’t ask him “how do I book a painter? Do I just ask for recommendations, or…? And I just ask him to paint the ceiling and walls, or…? What paint are we using that we’ve already discussed and agreed but I can’t be bothered to retain the information?” so I refuse to engage in him doing it. I just glare, and as if by magic it turns out he CAN do it!

No. Even if her employer was agreeably, this would result in a reduced income and pension for OP. Making him the main earner would most likely end up with him feeling he shouldn't have to do any domestic chores, because he's bringing home the bacon, dontchaknow! And it may tie her to him financially, making it harder to extricate herself from this wholly unfulfilling relationship.

Women should never make themselves financially vulnerable, particularly when they're in a situation they want to change.

I would discuss dropping a day or 2 at work.
Explain to him that the extras you do equate to this. Then at least you are only doing a full week and not 7 days work

My exh was exactly like this
I divorced him
It's weaponised incompetence

Someone upthread suggests leaving the bin so DH will do it eventually. I tried this. He didn't. We had maggots. At that point, I had to sort it out.

DH does not believe in emptying bins until you absolutely cannot cram anything more in them He says he would only put our general refuse bin out two or three times a year. He doesn't put the bins out. He 'forgets' every time.

Why are they like this?

Print off the recent study that shows living with a manchild affects women’s libido and give it to him. It was widely reported you will find loads of articles online. Tell him you don’t find having an extra dependent remotely attractive.

"My partner is lovely and loving ..."

"... Then it’s the constant shouting about how busy he is and he doesn’t have time for this, and about how I’m always nagging him and complaining about how he goes about things."

Only one of the above statements can be true - lovely and loving men do not call their partners nags nor do they shout at their partners.

"Sometimes I try to “delegate” a task- eg can you call a plumber, will you take responsibility to book this appointment etc. I always have to end up reminding him several times, he takes ages to do anything, he has to ask me several times what to say, and then he always fucks it up- (eg books a time we obviously can’t make, hires someone completely incompetent, fails to communicate properly so the job gets messed up). ... it always ends up being so much quicker for me to do everything myself ..."

Sounds like Weaponised Incompetence to me. Where someone deliberately does such a bad job of a task that they don't get asked to do it again.

"he can barely hold himself together and get his work done , let alone contribute anything to broader family life."

More detail required on this, @Tandora. He holds down a job, so logically, he is competent at his job- as in he is able to complete the tasks of his job to his boss's specification. If he can do that, he should be able to participate in domestic duties too.

But on first reading, my advice would be to cut your losses and end the relationship. Feeling "unsupported and alone and drowning under the weight of my responsibilities" is no way to live, and you're already feeling resentful. It won't be long before resentment kills any residual feelings of love (if it hasn't already) and the very sight of him makes your skin crawl. It will be easier to co-parent if he moves out before that stage is reached. ~You're already doing everything anyway, it will probably be easier without him because you won't be having to do over anything you trusted him with (that he then royally fucked up). No shouting, no excuses, no fucking up, just calm and peaceful without him - a much better environment for your children to be raised in.

Return manchild to his parents for retraining.

Your life will be much simpler and more efficient without him

He cleans, tidies and does laundry. Why not make those things his job and do the rest? We play to our strengths and it’s a good way to run a relationship. My bloke never touches the laundry or cleans the kitchen or bathrooms. However he does all the cooking and I never touch the hoover. There’s no law that says both of you have to do everything.

Do you criticise the way he does things?

so often people get into the dynamic where the woman complains about the things the man tries to do, so he just gives up.

not saying it’s your fault btw- he sounds infuriating.

I'd pick tasks that directly impact him. Bins, he probably won't notice, but when he's fit no clean clothes or food to eat he might suddenly start being 'able' to do it.

As a pp said, tell him he's responsible for cleaning his own clothes, or cooking then don't remind him. Make dinner for you and the dc but not him.
He's responsible for mowing the lawn and insuring, mot and taxing his own car etc

Google weaponised incompetence - I'm sure he manages fine at work

If this is ADHD then most men I know have undiagnosed ADHD.

I think this is a symptom of men being brought up expecting women to do everything while they sit around being waited on. It’s sadly extremely common.

I dated a guy like this prior to meeting my husband. We dated for four years and lived together for two of those. He sounds very similar to your DP.

I remember once when we first moved into our home, we wanted to repaint the wall. He asked me to show him how to paint…as in how to pick up the brush, dip it in the actual paint and put it on the wall.

Any job he would take ages to do, wouldn’t do and often come back to me anyways. I would ask him to grab ketchup from the store on his way home from work and he would call while at the store for what brand/size of bottle and if I didn’t answer the phone, he wouldn’t get it and come home saying he couldn’t get it?!

I remember I got a wipeable board and split jobs up such as ‘take the bins out’ etc and started small and built it up etc. Maybe that will help?

You will soon learn if he’s lazy or struggling.

In my case it was laziness and I couldn’t cope with him, it was like having a child rather then a partner. I wish you all the best x

Chapter 9 of the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven may be of interest @Tandora

He sounds useless; ltb

This is very topical for me!

Particularly when kids come along it’s easier & quicker for one, usually the mum, to just do everything. But over time this becomes the norm and the mum becomes resentful (me for the past 5 years). My DH literally cannot finish anything or compete anything competently. Obviously that’s my opinion and to my standards. DH holds down a very senior role which he excels at and is highly regarded.

So why does he leave his shoes beside the shoe rack; the coffee cupboard door open; dirty cup on work-top above dishwasher; blah blah same shit different day. I’m NOT his mother!!!!!

Apparently I need to ‘coach’ him and not just tell him how/why to do things; explain and for him to develop an ‘emotional’ attachment of the consequences of him not doing…. eg “your shoes there are a potential trip hazard for DM, wouldn’t you feel awful if she fell and broke a hip….”. It’s kind of working.

But also he needs to feel the consequences of his incompetence. We’re just back from a fab weeks holiday where I completely off loaded the mental load: I didn’t chivvy us all to breakfast/pool/dinner, I simply sat and waited for a DC to be ready and then headed off while the rest followed; left DH to select, book and organise excursions. In fairness, I’ve had an amazingly relaxed week by taking this major step backwards, DH has coped although he’s been stressed and I have simply ignored his moaning. It’s been a good learning curve for the family.

I’m sure someone will be along with some load of bullshit excising his behaviour, including the shouting, but I could not put up with this. It would annihilate any feelings I once had.

I wouldn't be pandering to this.

How did he manage before he lived with you? He must have struggled severely if he’s incapable of such tasks as shopping for food or hiring someone to do basic jobs.

Personally I couldn’t live with him. Plenty of people will suggest ADHD but to me it wouldn’t matter. If he has ADHD that’s untreated and is making no effort that would have the same impact on me as if he was just lazy or unwilling. I don’t want to be a full time carer for somebody. I want a partner who makes my life easier. Otherwise I’m happier alone.

The attitude does seem to show, the OP mentions shouting, and "not having time for this" and so on.

That doesn't sound like willing, but can't do it, if he turns it on her.
The circle starts with him not contributing life admin/housework, then she says something to get him into motion, and then he gets angry and complains about being complained at.

Even if it's ADHD, then it would be time for a discussion about what he can do to deal with it, or getting help somewhere, and explaining to her that it overwhelms him, so a solution can be found, not just shouting and turning it on her.

But the examples of booking a time when they're out, booking incompetent handymen etc doesn't necessarily sound like ADHD. ADHD doesn't mean making lots of stupid decisions.