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Original poster

DP is completely incompetent

65 replies

Tandora · 05/06/2023 14:03

I feel like I can’t manage anymore. I have so much responsibility on my shoulders- the kids, the house, the finances, work. My partner is lovely and loving but hopeless. he can barely hold himself together and get his work done , let alone contribute anything to broader family life. To be fair, he will clean/ tidy and do laundry. He never cooks. He will shop if I instruct him on exactly what to buy. The mental and administrative load is exhausting. Sometimes I try to “delegate” a task- eg can you call a plumber, will you take responsibility to book this appointment etc. I always have to end up reminding him several times, he takes ages to do anything, he has to ask me several times what to say, and then he always fucks it up- (eg books a time we obviously can’t make, hires someone completely incompetent, fails to communicate properly so the job gets messed up). I hate feeling like I have been put in the position of “project manager”. Then it’s the constant shouting about how busy he is and he doesn’t have time for this, and about how I’m always nagging him and complaining about how he goes about things. I just can’t cope anymore - It makes me want to scream.
it always ends up being so much quicker for me to do everything myself , but then I just feel so angry and resentful that he can’t even carry out a simple task , and I feel so unsupported and alone and drowning under the weight of my responsibilities. Any advice?

OP posts:
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WhereYouLeftIt · 06/06/2023 15:25

user1492757084 · 06/06/2023 04:26

Everyone has different skills.
Your partner seems a bit anxious.

You might be more fussy than you think too.

Try communicating differently. Maybe this will work ....

Make a list that he can review without you seeing how often he reads it. (White board in shed.)
Have the tasks, as many variants about the jobs as are important, the date by which it needs doing and phone nos, times that are suitable etc. and leave it up to him to tick off.

Thank him for completing the jobs with a big smile - therefore the only communication directly is positive..
The jobs become his.

Try not to notice any flaws until he successfully completes jobs with more confidence.

<channels Catherine Tate's Nan>

Considering that the OP feels "so unsupported and alone and drowning under the weight of my responsibilities" your suggestion that she load herself up with a huge amount of work seems positively offensive and insulting to her.

DP is completely incompetent
LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 06/06/2023 10:48

user1492757084 · 06/06/2023 04:26

Everyone has different skills.
Your partner seems a bit anxious.

You might be more fussy than you think too.

Try communicating differently. Maybe this will work ....

Make a list that he can review without you seeing how often he reads it. (White board in shed.)
Have the tasks, as many variants about the jobs as are important, the date by which it needs doing and phone nos, times that are suitable etc. and leave it up to him to tick off.

Thank him for completing the jobs with a big smile - therefore the only communication directly is positive..
The jobs become his.

Try not to notice any flaws until he successfully completes jobs with more confidence.

A sticker chart too, he gets a gold star for every completed task, maybe silver for half completed. The wee man will love that.

amberisola · 06/06/2023 10:19

Also I find just blandly stating the issue that needs sorting instead of giving him a task to do is more effective.

So “I don’t think there’s any food in the fridge, what do you want to do for dinner?” instead of “can you go to the supermarket and buy X”

As a result he decides to rush off to the supermarket of his own accord. Instead of agreeing to go and then spending 20 minutes faffing around, and me asking if he’s going or not, then him getting annoyed…

He still asks me what to buy, and I just shrug, “I’m not sure, see what there is” and if we comes back with potato smiley faces and a jar of pickles then so be it (this hasn’t happened yet!) as long as I don’t have to give out instructions.

I know that in an ideal world he should be taking on his 50% of the mental load and this should not be necessary, but that’s the reality of being married to a man who’s mum did everything for him

amberisola · 06/06/2023 10:05

My Dh can be a bit like this. Eg. I have to ask him to go to the supermarket, and he’ll ask me to write him a shopping list before he goes. I’ll ask him to clean the garden furniture and he’ll start dithering around and ask me what he should use to clean it. Just a couple of silly examples from the last week… I used to get irritated and say “can’t you just figure it out? I’m a bit busy” and then half the time he’d get into a mood. 🙄

So I’ve started acting as clueless and incompetent as he does.

I find looking blankly at him and saying “hmmm… I don’t know, what do you think?” (trying VERY hard to keep the irritation out of my voice) is a lot more effective. He looked so confused the first time I did it. Sometimes I have to repeat it or really lay it on thick before he gets the message “she really doesn’t know? Shit, I’ll have to figure it out then!” and suddenly helpless DH becomes problem-solving DH and comes to the “rescue”.

I have to relax and let him do things all wrong, as painful as it is, because by taking over everything previously and giving him instructions/jobs to do I turned myself into the Authority on Housework. Which I definitely do not want to be. I already have a full time job.

bussteward · 06/06/2023 05:35

user1492757084 · 06/06/2023 04:26

Everyone has different skills.
Your partner seems a bit anxious.

You might be more fussy than you think too.

Try communicating differently. Maybe this will work ....

Make a list that he can review without you seeing how often he reads it. (White board in shed.)
Have the tasks, as many variants about the jobs as are important, the date by which it needs doing and phone nos, times that are suitable etc. and leave it up to him to tick off.

Thank him for completing the jobs with a big smile - therefore the only communication directly is positive..
The jobs become his.

Try not to notice any flaws until he successfully completes jobs with more confidence.

I assume this is a joke.

Hearti · 06/06/2023 04:41

I didn’t argue or nag, just left him to pick up the natural fall out, the consequences

Hearti · 06/06/2023 04:39

potniatheron · 05/06/2023 14:20

I'm with @Polari. Rather than trying to micromanage him and getting frustrated, ask him to do a task and then genuinely leave him to it.

For example it's his turn to change the bin. Once you've agreed that, do NOT, whatever you do, fold and change the bin yourself. Leave it for him to change, even if it's piled up, overflowing and stinking. Just hold your nerve until it finally gets irriatting enough for him to change it. He won't make the same mistake again.

Likewise, with dinner. Pick an evening when your kids are out / with grandparents / having tea elsewhere for this one. Agree with your husband that he's going to shop and cook dinner. Then just let him get on with it. If he comes back without food, or he goes hungry? Fine. Then dinner does not get made (make sure you eat a big lunch or have some secret snacks for yourself - no need to endure a rumbling tummy).

Or, say, cleaning the toilet. You need a strong stomach or nerve for this one. Once you've agreed that its his turn to clean the loo, do not, whatever you do, cave and clean it. Hold your nose and put up with it. He will clean it. Eventually. And it'll be such an unpleasant job that he won't let it slide for so long again.

Consequences. He'll change when he recognises that they exist. But at the moment, you just keep bailing him out, and he gets to keep playing the martyr.

This works. It took 6 months for my DH to coordinate himself but now it feels like an equal relationship

user1492757084 · 06/06/2023 04:26

Everyone has different skills.
Your partner seems a bit anxious.

You might be more fussy than you think too.

Try communicating differently. Maybe this will work ....

Make a list that he can review without you seeing how often he reads it. (White board in shed.)
Have the tasks, as many variants about the jobs as are important, the date by which it needs doing and phone nos, times that are suitable etc. and leave it up to him to tick off.

Thank him for completing the jobs with a big smile - therefore the only communication directly is positive..
The jobs become his.

Try not to notice any flaws until he successfully completes jobs with more confidence.

mathanxiety · 06/06/2023 03:58

bussteward · 05/06/2023 18:19

So why does he leave his shoes beside the shoe rack; the coffee cupboard door open; dirty cup on work-top above dishwasher; blah blah same shit different day. I’m NOT his mother!!!!!

Apparently I need to ‘coach’ him and not just tell him how/why to do things; explain and for him to develop an ‘emotional’ attachment of the consequences of him not doing…. eg “your shoes there are a potential trip hazard for DM, wouldn’t you feel awful if she fell and broke a hip….”. It’s kind of working.

I prefer my system: shoes on the floor instead of the rack go in a box along with the dirty cup, the discarded envelope from opened post, the random pocket detritus scattered everywhere, etc. Box gets dumped on DP’s desk at the end of the week. It only took doing this a couple of times for him to make more effort: pointing out the shoes he would clearly be thinking “it’s just shoes”. Seeing the volume and quantity of “it’s just this one thing” amassed together showed him the endless fucking labour he was causing me.

In terms of “how do I do this” I refuse to help. He’s a competent adult with a job, as am I. I wouldn’t ask him “how do I book a painter? Do I just ask for recommendations, or…? And I just ask him to paint the ceiling and walls, or…? What paint are we using that we’ve already discussed and agreed but I can’t be bothered to retain the information?” so I refuse to engage in him doing it. I just glare, and as if by magic it turns out he CAN do it!

Brilliant

JandalsAlways · 06/06/2023 03:47

SavvyWavvy · 05/06/2023 16:25

If this is ADHD then most men I know have undiagnosed ADHD.

I think this is a symptom of men being brought up expecting women to do everything while they sit around being waited on. It’s sadly extremely common.

Show quote history

Agree

MrsMikeDrop · 06/06/2023 03:46

Go on holiday for a week on your own. I'm sure he'll manage just fine, he managed without you at one point and must be able to hold down a job?

JandalsAlways · 06/06/2023 03:44

fishonabicycle · 05/06/2023 14:16

He sounds like a lazy arse. It's called learned helplessness and it works. He is useless and you pick up all the slack.

This. Leave the useless bastard

ToeJammed · 06/06/2023 03:39

He has a condition called Idleitis.
The cure for that is called divorce.

Greyador · 06/06/2023 02:55

I absolutely feel like this too.

Its dawning on me that I'd rather be alone than live feeling resentment like this.
I will get there eventually but quite frankly I've given up, the 'I'm not your mother' talk doesn't work as I genuinely think he's got no idea as his mother still babies him now!
More fool me!

ReachForTheMars · 05/06/2023 21:36

anythinginapinch · 05/06/2023 19:54

@ReachForTheMars can I just point out ADHD is not a learning difficulty? As someone with diagnosed adhd and a PHD - and, relative to this thread, the ability (mostly) to have brought up 2 kids in some kind of ordered way -that comment pissed me off.

I didnt say it was a learning difficulty.

I could just have easily said that it's not ok to call people mental.

The point was that it's not ok to armchair diagnose.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/06/2023 20:15

If he is capable of opening a few packets and switching on an oven (it's not that much different from switching on a TV and selecting the preferred station, after all), he can cook.

You might get some incredibly weird and frankly awful meals for a while, but assuming he likes to eat, there will be food without you needing to put any thought into it (we had the 'I'm not telling you what to buy because my psychic link with the Co-op that tells me what's there seems to have malfunctioned' conversation some years ago). The dishwasher also seems to magically fill itself (the arrangement is awful, but it's not me who has to handwash things afterwards - a few things did get handed straight back to him at first, but hey, it's a learning process) and operate, as does the washing machine and the vacuum/steam mop and other appliances.

Book your own/the children's appointments, don't even think about his - if that means he misses out on things, oh, well.

DP was trained to see himself as incompetent. He has his limitations, but I'm Not Your Bloody Mother or Sodding Ex Wife got through in the end.

FeelingLowLowLow · 05/06/2023 20:08

uncomfortablydumb53 · 05/06/2023 17:28

My exh was exactly like this
I divorced him
It's weaponised incompetence

This is exactly what has happened to me. I posted about similar a year ago and am now finally getting ready to divorce him as the weaponised incompetence was just a sign of how little respect he has for me.

Screamingabdabz · 05/06/2023 19:59

SavvyWavvy · 05/06/2023 16:25

If this is ADHD then most men I know have undiagnosed ADHD.

I think this is a symptom of men being brought up expecting women to do everything while they sit around being waited on. It’s sadly extremely common.

Show quote history

Not in my world. The majority of my male friends and relatives are grown ups.

anythinginapinch · 05/06/2023 19:54

@ReachForTheMars can I just point out ADHD is not a learning difficulty? As someone with diagnosed adhd and a PHD - and, relative to this thread, the ability (mostly) to have brought up 2 kids in some kind of ordered way -that comment pissed me off.

ReachForTheMars · 05/06/2023 19:25

Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/06/2023 19:00

Just stating that he sounds like he has ADHD is bloody offensive. Many, many people live with ADHD and don't behave like utter twats in their personal life!!

He knows what needs doing, he's taking you for a mug and knows you'll do it if he behaves incompetently about it all! I tried for years getting a similarly behaving man-child to alter his ways and it ended in divorce. Raise your bar and make it clear to him and then leave if he can't grow up.

I completely agree. It's not ok to say "maybe he has learning difficulties" but so many people think it's ok to armchair diagnose something that so many people are affected by and work so hard at living with in a productive way.

It is so reductive to just say "Maybe its ADHD".

Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/06/2023 19:00

Just stating that he sounds like he has ADHD is bloody offensive. Many, many people live with ADHD and don't behave like utter twats in their personal life!!

He knows what needs doing, he's taking you for a mug and knows you'll do it if he behaves incompetently about it all! I tried for years getting a similarly behaving man-child to alter his ways and it ended in divorce. Raise your bar and make it clear to him and then leave if he can't grow up.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/06/2023 18:42

Ostryga · 05/06/2023 14:20

I have ADHD and am a single mum with complex health conditions and I still manage to make sure Dd has everything, run the whole house, life admin, work and attend medical appointments. Men are always let off so easily with this stuff.

He CAN do it op, he just can’t be fucked and know you’ll pick up the slack. I bet anything he’s fine at work and manages there ok.

Yup!

MrsElsa · 05/06/2023 18:41

Make him do ALL the cleaning and laundry. He can also bath the kids and brush their teeth, put them to bed. Who currently does pick up / drop off, is it 50/50? Aim for that, then you do the rest (cooking, meal planning, all grocery and clothes shopping etc for the kids, anything that requires a brain/has potential creativity needed).

He can do all the repetivitive stuff that doesn't require mental effort or planning

ReachForTheMars · 05/06/2023 18:37

ReachForTheMars · 05/06/2023 18:35

He will never learn. Being stubborn wont help, he wont change. I would literally charge him for being his PA. He needs to contribute enough to pay for half the cleaning. He needs to pay for hello fresh and cook it or go without a home cooked meal. He needs to get cooking lessons for his birthday presents.

Ask him what he finds so hard about it. He is being an absolute cunt to either not be willing to learn and expecting you to do it or knowing he can do it and choosing not to and being nasty to you for daring to suggest he ought to do a fair share and call you a nag.

Failing that, I would book couples counselling and tell him he either shows up and engages or you're gone (some employers will pay for a few sessions of counselling).

I'm not saying he is abusive but so many men are "lovely" until you realise what a fucking burden they are. They know they have to "pay" something to get a live in maid and being "nice" is cheaper than a paid professional. Remember, having a family is a status symbol for some men, it's not always what they are actually cut out for.

cansu · 05/06/2023 18:36

I feel your pain. This is me. It is exhausting.