School gate hell!!

But in your old school you were friends with people because you’d known them as the kids were in nursery, how do you know there weren’t people at the gate feeling the same? You’ve moved schools and mum/parent groups are already established, especially if a lot of them have older siblings they could have been friends for years.

Invite someone for a play date and get the ball rolling from your side, even if you find that difficult.

There will be other mums like you, you just have to find them.

Get on the PTA or volunteer in class, keep talking to people at drop off/pick up, notice the mums who drop and run (or come late to avoid people) - once you've found a few likely candidates, invite their kids for play dates.

It won't be personal and I doubt anyone intentionally ignored you unless you give off serial killer vibes. They're just preoccupied with their own staff, busy, already have friends. Some of them went through the same struggle as you and are just happy they know a couple of people now.

I haven’t read through the comments , only yours op.

From one school Mum to another: this is early days. Your child is in reception and you have another seven years to go of this. In the nicest possible way; you need to be thick skinned and remember why you are there: to pick up your child.

I loathe the majority of fellow school Mums and always have hated the ‘ clique’.
Why would you want to be a part of that? These people aren’t your friends. They are just other women who happened to have had a child the same time as you. As harsh as that sounds.

I have very few friends that I have made at the school gates and I am happy with that. They’re my friends. And they won’t be nasty and ignore me , or talk about me behind my back. Who on earth would subject themselves to that bullshit.

Genuine people will talk to you. There are 29 other mothers there and I am sure that give it time , you will get to know a few of them.

Just try and chill op. It’ll all work out.

Oh and to help with the boredom, headphones and listen to music, podcasts or whatever interests you.

Also helps with anxiety as it gives you something else to concentrate on. I have deliberating anxiety and when I do go out, I don’t leave home without the headphones

Be grateful you’re not involved. In my experience people at the school gates can only talk about kids and houses. One big bore. Just keep to yourself. You’re missing nothing I promise you

Ask your child who they interact the most with in their classroom.
As they leave the class approach the child and adult and either you or child ask if they’d like to play after school.

Or let your child know they can ask their friends around.

Some will claim without these adults your child will suffer and not get invites. Honestly it’s bollocks. For most of my kids school life I was there two maybe three times a week. My kids still got invited to places. And to arrange play dates on my end I did as I suggested above

Bless you OP. I completely understand.

Please ignore the harsh messages - people like a pile-on in AIBU but there are lots of us out here who understand and can relate.

People have their own groups and they’re under no obligation to include you, nice as that might be.

Is this really where we are at in society?! Saying good morning and being welcoming to newcomers is just decent, friendly behaviour. "Treat others as you would wish to be treated" seems to have gone out of fashion 😞

I'd start really small OP - ask your daughter for the name of one child whom she likes playing with, and seek out that parent to arrange a play date. If you have no success, try not to take it to heart (easier said than done, I know), and move on to the next one.

Eventually one child's parent will say yes, and then you'll have had some success. You can then build on this by asking someone else. Gradually it'll improve I'm sure.

Sending you big hugs. I get it. 🤗

about having an only child, no problem: the child will have to make their own way at school so give destiny and life and child and yourself a clean fresh break, relax ....oh please

from someone posted at another thread year ago or so:

MMorales · Today 11:51
I only ever do drop offs on a Friday morning. And maybe 1 pick up every couple of weeks.

So I never had any chance of making friends at the school gate. I barely recognise any of the other parents.

You shouldn't let this bother you.

Make friends in a different setting.

.........

me too, my husband drives and do all the drop offs and I do pick ups twice a week plus I am foreign and do not understand such weird women who do this to other women so I just even do not bother thinking about making effort to have friends from the school. Many actually chatted to me and said Hi the first year but I am never there, plus i only started using whatsapp. I honestly do not blame others. Sometimes i go and stand in the queue, someties i am first, sometimes last, sometimes i say Hi, sometimes i am on the phone and you know what, who bloody cares

Has your DD a friend she’d like to invite over? Or, could you offer to join the PTA ? Both will get you knowing different parents

Join the PTA or other school groups. Offer to volunteer for the fair, or sports day, or to go along to a school trip.
Speak to your child and find out who they are friends with. Invite that friend round for a play date.

School gate hell. Not having to talk to these people means you’re the winner in all this.

Same here @Popcornlassie28 . I work FT so only get to do one pick up a week. The extent to which the DC's social life is navigated solely by the mother's friendships (and it is always DMs, my DH never gets asked about play dates for DD). It's so disheartening.

I love getting older as I find things like this faze me less (your reaction is totally justified however). I'd probably enjoy the peace and be glad I'm out of any gossipy cliques. In a few years time you'll never see these people again!

I have plenty of experience in school gate emotions. I am naturally pretty shy and terrible at small talk, but also I try to be outgoing if someone talks to me. So I've never really been one to initiate school friendships but am engaging if someone does initiate. I spent years feeling excluded and sad. What I've learnt over the years is that mostly, people just chat to whoever they're stood next to and these chats make future chats easier as they follow up whatever they were talking about previously. Most people don't exclude others on purpose, but also don't make an effort if someone is standing there quietly. I think you just need to consistently stand next to people and make small talk which then grows over time. And invite someone over for a play date. Things snowball after that.

I only ever do drop offs on a Friday morning. And maybe 1 pick up every couple of weeks.

So I never had any chance of making friends at the school gate. I barely recognise any of the other parents.

You shouldn't let this bother you.

Make friends in a different setting.

Op just to add further my dc is in year 4 and it did take a good few years for play dates to begin properly so it's still early days. If you really want to make friends then you will need to put yourself out there more

You say you have moved, have you had silent or other treatment in any other area of your life? Or has your DH/DP?

Some places are hostile to those moving in to the area, whoever they are, regardless of age or anything else.

Don’t be so ridiculous. They’re not ignoring her, they’re just not wanting to be friends.

They didn’t have a meeting and think “oh let’s all ignore OP”. OP just isn’t giving off I would be a good friend vibes.

Just to add op my dc has play dates with 2 other children and I got to know there mums only just enough so they could do play dates, I don't need to be friends with them and once the children grow a bit more I won't need contact with the parent at all likely.

Hi op I understand how you feel I absolutely hate pick up time. To be fair I usually sit in my car now until I see my child coming to the gate because I couldn't be bothered chatting to others. I love to people watch and see the busy bee mums who literally have to stand at the gate super early to chat to everyone .

However if I was standing there and someone chatted to me I would be be totally happy with this and make them feel at ease. I'm not completely antisocial. As pp said class partys are a really good way to meet the mums and swap numbers a bit more. You can also see who your child plays more with and use the party and an opportunity for an open invitation. I feel some mums are just so wrapped up in their own world and actually it's not about you at all they are just not very aware people.

You can't complain about no invites to playdates when you haven't invited any children either!

Most people do not care about making friends at the school gates, and they certainly aren't putting those interactions on such a pedestal. It is a tiny portion of your day, most people are there just to pick up their kid and might briefly chat to a friend or acquaintance they happen to see there.

It doesn't take any effort at all to say good morning to someone, its called being civil. Ignoring someone en masse IS bullying!! It sounds like they all need a lesson in manners!

They are either complete cows or you are projecting your low self esteem on their reaction. They are likely already friends because the kids went to pre-school together. Either way, it’s horrible for you.

I would try to be proactive - invite a kid over for a play date. At their age, the mum or dad will probably stay so you can start getting to know them one-on-one. Keep asking if at first it doesn’t happen.

Also, maybe try joining the PTA or similar, so you get to know some other parents in the school. It’ll help you feel part of the community and hopefully give your self-esteem a little boost.

Is there a class WhatsApp? Join that so you know what’s going on / get invited to whole class parties.

Honestly, I think most parents are decent people and just don’t realise you’re feeling left out, rather than being cliquey bitches determined to exclude you - but it’s hard sometimes. I’m really outgoing normally but somehow feel social anxiety much more acutely around the school mums, even though they are all lovely.