School gate hell!!

Have to say I don't know why people get so bothered by this. I didn't make any friends at the primary school gates throughout DS's entire time there and it wasn't really on my radar. Surely you're there just to pick up your child? As they get older they start forging more solid friendships, I exchanged numbers with a couple of the mums after DS found his "tribe" just to invite them to birthday parties and the like but we weren't friends.

I started out well with DS who is now in Y6 but he left the school (he has SEN but had a lot of friends at that school) and they dropped me like a hot potato.
DD is 2 years younger and it's been hard - a few friends are parents of two DC in the same years but it's mainly been parents of her friends, who are mainly just chat at the gate types. I've never been on a night out with them, the odd coffee in Reception but then we had COVID.

Also investing in a small dog will bring great joy to your child and attract others.

It is hard to break into a community where everyone knows every one else.

You could try to observe which children live in your direction and then invite the mother and child on a play date to your home.
You could try inviting a friend who your child plays with to Maccas with her Mum..
You could hold a party with three friends of your child - just to meet the parent and child.
You could join an after school activity or club and make a friend of a parent through that avenue and then invite on a play date.
It is not personally a problem with you. They just have their friends.
You could try inviting another new parent out for coffee after school drop off.
You could volunteer being a parent reader in class or on the grounds committee or Parents Club.
It will take time, some left of field thinking and a big dose of gumption.

So which children does your DD want a play date with? You need to ask their mums if they are free to play in the park or pop round on a suggested date. Keep repeating, invite different children, different mums You need to do some of the leg work for play dates to happen. It’s not fair to expect others to do all the leg work.

I said hello to people I knew I was there to collect and drop off a child so sure I was civil and changed if if happened I was not at a party it was for reason so I got on with that reason

No I did not have the inclination nor time to deliberately ignore people and I do wonder what on earth is going on in people's heads to think people actually do this with intent, surely the people who come up with the 'they are being meanies' may need to realise other people have things in their lives that may not be anything to do with you

It was hell when ds started at primary school, there was a massive clique of mums who all thought they were better than anyone else. I was totally ignored but knew they were all talking about me, especially after I split from ds dad. One of the mums actually got involved with the court case for my divorce & even turned up at court to"support" him, despite a warning from the judge all the personal information of the case was round the playground the morning after. It was the happiest day of my life the day he left to go to secondary school.

I suppose there are 2 possibilities:

1. They are mean bullies and genuinely horrible people in which case you’re not missing out by not mingling with them.
2. The people in individual groups know each other from before?

I’m an introvert and absolutely hate these situations. Not sure if your school organizes some events where you could perhaps meet and chat with everyone in a bit more natural way? Birthday parties - if you invite the whole class, it will perhaps be easier to get to know the kids parents? (organizing ours and attending other kids parties worked great for us, although we’re still just preschool age to be fair) Is your DD friends with someone in particular, maybe you can be proactive and invite them for a playdate?

Their kids play with kids of mum's friends, not friends of own choosing. Find some comfort in that those mum engineered friendships, at the cost of actual kids friendships, do little for their kids self esteem and social skills.
They are control freak bullies, to their kids as well.

It may not be anyone’s fault. I have healthy self-esteem and have never struggled with friendships, but one place where we lived from when DS was a baby till he was 7 just didn’t work for me in terms of friendships. It was as you describe, a place without much mobility, most of the parents of DS’s classmates had gone to the same village primary, had stayed local and married other locals, and a foreign family with no local ties like us was vanishingly rare, even though we issued a lot of invitations, got involved in local stuff, volunteered. I made my friends at work, but did feel like a leper when I did school drop offs and pick-ups. I did host a lot of play dates and DS had plenty of friends. We just moved away in the end.

You’re not alone. I never found it a problem with my teens at primary, but it breaks my heart with my youngest (4)…she had multiple diagnoses, physical and developmental, but is a true gentle joy yet none of the Gate Mums ever include us in park visits etc. They ignore us at youth club each week too. I know she can’t play in the same way as the other children but she can in her way!
All I can advise is keep being polite, dynamics may change next year, otherwise just wear obvious headphones and listen to some cheerful music and sod the lot of them.

I've been there op. Sometimes it is just luck. I always got on with other class parents with my eldest DC. My youngest was in a class with the cliquiest parents ever. They were a horror show. I'm a nice, normal, generally confident person and they made me feel like total shit. So pleased those days are over and my DD is in secondary.

If you want to get to know them, get to know them. Talk to them. Don't just say 'hi' and expect them to be responsible for the rest of the conversation. Go over and have a chat. Speak to them at parties. Don't wait for an invite from them to a playdate. Invite some of the children in your DD's class over for playdates. Don't expect other people to make all the effort.

I don't have this problem at the school gate. I go and stand there and speak to the people near me, pick my children up and go home.

ive Had this. I coped by managing the time so getting there after the gates opened and on the later side of pickup (not late). That way you breeze in and breeze out.
I really tried. Once I offered to help someone who was having a nightmare (I could help them through work) and the group physically turned away from me.

steal yourself for events and plays. That’s fucking hard. I didn’t have anyone to go with and it was shit, but you have to get on with it for the kids don’t you. If you’ve a relative or friend or partner around definitely get them to come

juniors was better as I made a few mum friends who were on the pta by helping at scouts and guides. It was so much better then. I remember it well. Good luck. It will get easier

Woah! That is a really harsh thing to say.

This poster is feeling glum enough about being left out to post on a forum and you blame it on her natural shit friend vibes..?!

It IS thoughtless (not bullying, I’ll grant) but thoughtless, bordering on rude, to completely ignore just one parent at pick
up. You don’t talk to other parents at the school gate because they are giving out “I’d make a great friend” vibes (unless you are desperately trying to make new friends and think it best only to accumulate ones whom you consider to be ‘your type’). You talk to people out of politeness, to make the time go faster and perhaps on the odd occasion, to hear some school based intel! To ignore one mum is rude.

I suspect that some of them have gone through what you’re going through at some point, & are therefore putting you through the same. Personally I wouldn’t want to be involved in school playground behavior. Have a chat on the phone with an imaginary friend, whilst eyeing them up & saying what a vile bitch … is.

I totally feel this. I'm tempted to move schools too 😂 sounds blissful

OP I feel the same and mine is in Year 5!

What's worse is that the whole class of mums and dads were once really good friends. It's a small class and everyone had mass play dates and days at the park together.

Now? People barely talk. It's so sad. I'm counting down until they move up to secondary school.

I think Covid played a big part in it. But also one parent in particular is such a drama llama and clearly hates children so it seems like we've all parted ways to avoid them.

Such a shame :( it makes me feel quite sad tbh.

They probably all know each hence not making an effort with you.

Found similar with DC1s year group. DC2s much friendlier.

Second the suggestion of volunteering. That helped a lot.

Having been at a school where there are mum friend groups to moving my kid to one where I’ve known no-one… I can tell you now how much happier I am not to know anyone and I have prayed no one speaks to me either 😂

OP you’ve won. Find friends in a setting where you will have interests in common, rather than one where your kids attend the same school ykwim?

I actually kept mine in after school clubs even though I didn't need to anymore to avoid other parents a few days a week when she wasn't old enough to walk out the school gates. 😂

I've got three kids and honestly, most school gate friendships are acquaintance ships at best - just someone to pass the time with for 5-10 minutes 5 days a week. Most who seem very close have grown up in the area together or are neighbours or something.

Having said that, they are good to have. If you haven't made any overtures in a while, I'd suggest going up to the mum or dad you think looks most approachable and feign having lost the latest newsletter and ask if they remember when sports day is or something like that "oh god it's so hard to keep track" and try to segue into whose mum you are/small talk.

Newsletter confusion is the school gate equivalent of asking the stranger in the bus shelter if the 12.00 bus has gone yet, they're not allowed to find it weird and should try to help.

Grandmas and childminders