Christian knowledge needed please

Hello, I come from a denomination which is quite strict on divorce. In our church the only Biblical grounds for divorce is adultery- i.e. only if your husband was unfaithful could you divorce him.

In my own congregation there have been several woman who were no longer with the father of their children. They weren't initially divorced - just separated, as the Bible says nothing against separation. They were in intolerable situations which weren't good for them or their children.

They stayed single and focussed on their children and their faith - BUT when their ex's inevitably embarked on new relationships (considered adulterous as they were still married) the women were then able to divorce with a clear conscience.

I made it sound a bit calculating there - I don't honestly believe any of the women planned things that way; they would rather that their ex's were better men so that they could have stayed together. But they were faithful to what they saw as Biblical teaching and ultimately have all been able to divorce and move on.

I don’t know how you arrived at ‘all religious people’ who share such beliefs.

Your post, which I responded to, was aimed at the OP. She didn’t grow up absorbing these ideas as the cultural norm, which is the case for many religious people, but sought them out because of earlier adversity.

You think all religious people, who believe in the sort of stuff OP is saying, are so solely due to damaged childhoods?

I am sure a lot of religious people would disagree with you.

You’re lucky not to understand how adverse childhood experiences >>> damaging beliefs and actions in adulthood.

It’s like when someone expresses disbelief that a victim of sexual assault could be frozen with fear rather than fight back against their assailant.

I just cannot fathom that you are making life decisons based on your belief a religion that, in your interpretation, wants you to either live miserable or go to hell.

You’ve had a lot of advice addressing the issue so I’d just like to say that if you are a Christian (i.e trusting in Jesus alone for your salvation) then no past, present or future sin will send you to Hell. Nothing can separate us from the love of God once we are saved, that includes ourself. Thinking you need to do or avoid doing things in order to avoid Hell is a false gospel.

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. - Eph 2 8-9

Raised Catholic here. My understanding is that divorce or separation is not a big deal, but that some versions of Christianity don't approve of re-marriage, or having sex with anyone else after leaving your DH.

Who is to say that these versions of Christianity are right? When different churches or denominations have different views, how can you tell which one of them really knows what God or Jesus thinks? Even the bible is contradictory and unclear - it was written in a different age for a different kind of society. I don't subscribe to the belief that the bible is infallible.

The answer is that you can't ever know for sure what God disapproves of, you can only follow your own heart and conscience, and find a church that supports you to be your best self.

I don't believe in the traditional medieval hell of fire and devils - that was invented by the catholic church to control the population.
I think Hell is a state of mind here and now in this life, when you reject God and deliberately choose to be evil.

You are very clearly not choosing to be evil; you are simply realising that your marriage is not working and you feel the need to end it. I don't believe that God would have any problem with this.

I’m a Christian.

I do not believe you’ll go to hell for divorcing a horrible husband. If you’ve genuinely made every effort to make the marriage work, then you’ve done what you can. Please don’t spend the rest of your life in a miserable marriage for no reason.

Were God to exist, she wouldn’t want you to stay married to a horrible twat.

I’m so glad you can see that Christian faith gives you choice rather than taking it away. How are you feeling about those choices now?

The way you’ve been thinking about all this makes perfect sense in the context of your earlier life. No wonder you were vulnerable to those beliefs. Thank goodness you reached out here.

Oops, I posted the wrong quote. Should have been Matthew 19 v9.

'I tell you, then, that any man who divorces his wife for any cause other than her unfaithfulness, commits adultery if he marries some other woman.'. (Good News Bible)

OP. - are you in the UK? We do have some extreme Christians here, but your posts and beliefs read more like something I would associate with US. Not that being outside UK is an issue in any way, but you might find reference to CofE and similar confusing and might need more explanations.

No, but if someone like the OP is new to the religion, has attended an Alpha course and been to a dozen or so services, there's no reason to expect that she'd have heard anything about Church History or the difference between denominations, which is the context of my comment.

I did once have a student who would preface everything with "As a Catholic, I believe that..." followed by something that definitely wasn't Catholic doctrine! But that's another issue.

I went to convent school in Malta, which is basically Catholicism on steroids. Even the nuns there taught us that, while you can’t get divorced, it is perfectly permissible to remove yourself from a marriage - it saves your husband from sin as well as yourself (removes the circumstances for violence, verbal abuse, lying, etc etc). It also allows you to focus your thoughts more on god. They gave examples of women from history who had done this and either become saints, or were otherwise seen as highly pious.

Honestly, if Maltese Catholic nuns are exhorting teenage girls to leave shitty future marriages, I am quite sure you are fine to leave yours.

Part of your marriage vows are to love and cherish each other, and he isn't loving of you or cherishing you. The way I see it (as a Christian) is that he has broken the contract, therefore you can be released from it.
a Christian friend of mine was used by her pastor of "what not to do" because she had married a non-Christian. She didn't stay in that church.
Whether or not you find someone else doesn't really matter, wouldn't you rather be happy without him than miserable with him?

It sounds like you are in hell on earth already so don't be afraid of divorce.

There is no fiery inferno where people burn for all eternity. I was taught that as a child to put the fear of God in me about following religion and it certainly worked for many years.

Life is too short, be happy and have the life you deserve.

I do hope you are able to get some real life advice. Divorce doesn't mean going to hell. ( And I'm an evangelical Christian who does believe that only those who have trusted in God will go to heaven) It isn't what God intended for us but he recognises that we won't always be able to stay married for various reasons, which is why divorce is mentioned in the Bible. I do believe that there will be a sadness if your marriage ends but more because you haven't been able to experience the joy of a God filled marriage. Which is not your fault at all. Men are given a responsibility too and it sounds like he can't be bothered. However, maybe you will find joy and fulfilment with another spouse so don't despair. You sound like a fairly new or inexperienced believer, maybe just taking time to read through Jesus actual words in the gospels ( first four books of the new testament ) and praying that God would speak to you would help. Also the Psalms for encouraging you when things are hard. Maybe look at the try praying app if you are not sure how to pray. If you are more familiar with the Bible, you will be able to tell if a Church is teaching it.

I’m Catholic. My (agnostic) husband is divorced. I don’t care, never have cared, don’t know any other Catholics who care, including my 90 year old grandma. God is a loving, merciful God who wants happiness for us. That’s my core belief.

You'll not go to Hell. My minister thought that divorce was the right thing for me. Not all ministers will remarry someone who is divorced but the majority will, the exception being that if the marriage ended due to infidelity of one party they won't marry the adulterous one with the affair partner which is fair enough I think.
I'd find another church, maybe visit some local ones, all are different even with the same denomination. Maybe an Anglican or Methodist one, some Baptist ones are fairly welcoming to all comers but some can be very narrow and rigid, and stress hellfire
You could maybe look out for one which is an inclusive church, maybe one with a woman priest, then you'll know that they are fairly mainstream, a very few won't have women, maybe if the priest calls himself Father nice although he is it shows me that maybe the congregation is a bit more old, fashioned
Neither denomination will force you to have full immersion baptism, well there may be some that practice it but it is the exception not the rule

But are those people claiming to be practising Christians?

To be *unhappy

I’m a Christian and have left my DH. Not sure what I believe anymore but a loving God wouldn’t want us or our children to be happy or for us to tolerate abuse of any kind and if he does I’m not interested in knowing him.
it’s difficult as religion and society are so intertwined but the divorce thing is more of a social construct than a true Christian question in my opinion,

yes it has been a bit uncomfortable with some church people as people who don’t know the full story/my side think I’ve been mean in leaving DH but I don’t care, I have peace it was the right thing for both of us and our children.

I'm an Orthodox Christian and even we allow divorce. Some things are not meant to be and you need to walk away and put them behind you. God isn't going to condemn you for making a decision to call it a day on a failed marriage.

Well, I'm Catholic. Are you baptised? If not, then in Catholicism that's (more or less) considered a "natural marriage." A natural marriage is valid but not indissoluble (i.e. you're "really married," you're not "living in sin" but it's not a covenantal marriage, therefore doesn't have an unbreakable bond, so divorce and remarriage isn't impossible in the way you are thinking). For a marriage to be indissoluble, it would need to be a sacramental marriage between two baptised people, generally this means in a Church (and, if you're Catholic, it has to be a Catholic church because reasons). Only a "sacramental marriage" is unbreakable.

Even in a sacramental marriage in Catholicism, it's not exactly divorce that's the problem - it's discouraged, but it's also recognised that there are times when divorce is necessary for reasons of the safety or welfare of one or more of the family (e.g. husband is gambling away the family money and wife must sever the legal bond to avoid being unable to feed the kids). It's just that in a sacramental marriage, divorce does not break the sacramental bond. In that case, remarriage would not be possible (however, again, it's not clear you are in what the Catholic Church would consider a sacramental marriage).

Catholicism also has a concept of something called a "decree of nullity" usually known as "an annulment." This means that the Church has investigated a marriage and found that at the time the couple entered into the marriage, something prevented formation of a sacramental bond, i.e. they basically didn't understand, or were not actually choosing freely, a covenantal relationship. The best known example of something that would prevent formation of a sacramental bond would be a coercive situation that prevented one or both parties entering the marriage freely. For example if the bride was pregnant, there might be concern she was just getting married because her parents were forcing her to, for family appearances. She's not entering it freely so it's not a sacramental marriage. (This is usually misunderstood in modern day as the priest being a meanie who won't let the two lovers get married because Church is prudish, but it's really meant to ensure the woman isn't being coerced).

You didn't say you were Catholic but Catholic ideas about marriage have an internal logic by which sacramental marriage is meant for the good of the spouses and to be a witness to the love between the persons of the Holy Trinity. It's explicitly religious and is designed to be lifelong but it's not meant to work like one party says "Hurr durr, I caught you in a Christian marriage now I'm gonna go do whatever I want and sleep around and be drunk all the time because you don't believe in divorce sucks to be you, hahahaha."

Hope that helps.