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Original poster

BIL losing temper whilst staying for weekend

213 replies

Theeora · 03/06/2023 15:29

My sister has recently become engaged to a man I just don't like. I'll be honest.

I live with my parents as I am trying to get on the property ladder this summer. They live remotely in a nice but compact cottage.

This morning they were planning on going for a long walk but my sister asked to adjust plans for very warm weather which dog may not tolerate.

On the drive way I overheard them arguing, BIL said something to the effect of "well, I think the dog is underwalked". My sister told him "how dare you, say it again if you really believe that". BIL did. Ended up with him storming off to their bedroom and SLAMMING the door.

Just to note, our 7 yo is the best looked after dog in the UK. The lengths we go to to look after him are both ridiculous and indulgant. Sure, when BIL is here for the odd weekend the family dog gets walked at random times but never fails to get 2 walks (on top of everything else). BIL and sister often include the dog in walks so the rest of us just work the dog's schedule around that. Dog is also getting on in age so can't walk 10 miles consecutively. Needs to rest after strenuous activity. How dare he imply I'm basically abusing my beloved dog. We live in the Lake District.

Did he act inappropriately re door slamming. I was in kitchen making cookies for the pair and didn't know where to look. Reminds me of a traumatic childhood,lots of arguing between parents (mum and dad have mellowed with age).

Added to the list of red flags

OP posts:
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BakedTattie · 05/06/2023 06:35

This sounds like a plot from the famous five.

please tell me your dogs called Timmy?

DollyParkin · 05/06/2023 06:04

Your sister really jumped to an aggressive statement, frankly.

WandaWonder · 05/06/2023 03:34

Twiglets1 · 04/06/2023 15:37

Well the dog sounds ok

Show quote history

The dog may speak but if it is in a forest does anyone listen

Twiglets1 · 04/06/2023 15:37

MysteryBelle · 04/06/2023 14:51

You all sound like a bag of mixed nuts tbh.

Well the dog sounds ok

MichelleScarn · 04/06/2023 15:36

So as long as I argue with someone in my/my family's home that's OK? The sisters rather ominous 'you dare say that again'... is ok because its her family home? Agree with pp re the dislike for the partner and its probably v clear and affecting things!

MysteryBelle · 04/06/2023 14:51

You all sound like a bag of mixed nuts tbh.

JudgeRudy · 04/06/2023 14:37

The title of your post indicates your annoyed they were arguing at your parents home *as guests) however all of your replies indicate you're outraged he dared to criticise your care for the dog. Which is bothering you?
From your BILs poverty he knows that each time he visits him and his sister walk the dog who presumably is willing. He doesn't know you're everyday schedule. He gave an opinion. Your sister didn't enlighten him, she challenged him in zn aggressive style and he accepted! This escalated things so he removed himself from the situation. I'm guessing they slept together, ate together znd at some stage drove home together after this event. No significant harm done.
The dog continues to get cared for well and loved.
It's over. Let it go.

swimlyn · 04/06/2023 14:28

Mariposista · 04/06/2023 08:09

Totally agree with this. In someone else’s house you rein in your temper and disgusting tendencies.

Show quote history

Yes, to me, the fact that he behaved like this (performance anger) is the red flag issue.

However, none of us have seen the full picture over time of how he behaves. OP has been able to see a lot more than we have.

And if you don’t believe the story, then why use your time commenting on it?

My daughter’s STBXH behaved in exactly this way many times when he was her fiancé. We tried to talk with DD and him over their engagement period, and I was overjoyed when they split up. Unfortunately DD was emotionally pressured by his sister and mother to return, as he was ‘distraught’ that she’d gone. They got back together, and now years later it’s all in shreds with the kids involved as well. C’est la fucking vie eh?

Seeing this all play out in front of you is painful, and like some PPs I too had a shit childhood because of my parents constant fighting and shouting. My DBro followed in father’s footsteps with unreasonable anger too. Once again, kids, divorce, etc. So awful…

dooneyousmugelf · 04/06/2023 13:47

You don't like him and that's ok. You don't need to come up with justifications or tenuous reasons as to why. He rubs you up the wrong way. People will. That's life

bluegreygreen · 04/06/2023 12:27

I do wonder if it's a case of you not liking BIL so anything he does annoys you?

I can totally see how I might hold it together on the phone with a father-in-law, but finally cry when speaking to a partner (without that being switching on 'crocodile tears').

Original poster
Theeora · 04/06/2023 12:07

What other red flags have there been?

So the second most recent red flag:

Sister had come up to help with a large house project a couple of months ago. One of those situations where you know the next 48 hours is just going to be a pain in the arse.

Mid activity, we hear a big gasp/"oh no" from the kitchen, said by sis. BIL has had a very minor injury and is in public crying. Sis of course rushes back to London leaving us in the lurch. I had x2 the amount of work to do.

BIL had tried to ring everyone staying with us but we were all stuck in with the job and didnt have phones to hand (we were in garden). Heard him say "ffs, your family is always so bloody hard to reach". We have signal that goes in and out/slow wifi so I'm used to not being attached to phone right now. Don't even bother with netflic anymore. Apparently BIL said he just wanted to hear sister's voice instead of getting in an ambulance/uber. Gross.

The bit that got me was BIL had managed to speak to dad (who hadn't passed on msg in time) without crying. On come the crocodile tears when speaking to sis. It transpires BIL had texted "fuck you" to my sis whilst he was in the middle of trying to contact us.

OP posts:
bluegreygreen · 04/06/2023 10:33

It's always interesting how your background / previous experiences affect your response to events.

To me, the red flag in the original argument was how the sister escalated it, by overreacting to a fairly minor comment about a dog being walked.

Whatafustercluck · 04/06/2023 08:54

I think your dog is your world and you're very sensitive to implied criticism so this one incident in and of itself doesn't feel like a red flag. The part of your op that interests me is the final sentence. What other red flags have there been?

Mariposista · 04/06/2023 08:09

doubleoseven · 03/06/2023 15:40

Going against the grain, I think an adult shouting and slamming doors in someone else's house is out of order. Your Dsis must be so embarrassed. I wouldn't tolerate it in my home from my teen let alone another adult who should be able to control their anger.

Totally agree with this. In someone else’s house you rein in your temper and disgusting tendencies.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 04/06/2023 07:59

WandaWonder · 04/06/2023 07:33

Op are you practising an AI story?

Yeah this thread is beyond odd.

Twiglets1 · 04/06/2023 07:53

Theeora · 03/06/2023 15:53

You seem over invested in the dog’s life

Very true. Maybe this is a bad time to admit I am testing a couple of recipes for the dog's birthday.

Saving up so I can buy in London. Living a very quiet/boring life, can't deny it.

Haha, it's a good time to lighten the mood of this thread by mentioning the recipe testing you are doing re the dog's Birthday.

I agree it's a bit much to slam a door in someone else's house after a minor row . He sounds petulant (red flag).

icelolly12 · 04/06/2023 07:45

This thread is hilarious. "well mannered dog" 😂

WandaWonder · 04/06/2023 07:33

Op are you practising an AI story?

FelisCatus0 · 04/06/2023 07:28

HerMammy · 03/06/2023 21:40

And yet you live with them, I'm NC with my abusive parent.

@HerMammy It seems like OP's parents have changed. Yours haven't. So you can't compare the two.

FelisCatus0 · 04/06/2023 07:25

After reading all your posts I still don't get what business it is of BIL how much a dog that isn't even his is walked. By the way you worded the first post I assumed the dog was BIL and sister's. Then you said the dog is yours but you are choosing not to take him when you move. It seems like a mess, and the dog is just some house dog with no set owner.

Regardless, what your BIL said sounded innocuous and harmless. Saying a dog needs more walks is not insult on any possible planet. It makes no sense for you or your sister to be upset by such an innocuous comment. He does sound rude and aggressive, however the comment he made was perfectly harmless and fine.

GoodChat · 04/06/2023 06:24

HerMammy · 03/06/2023 21:38

Bit hypocritical to live with parents to save money but say you had a traumatic childhood 🤷🏼‍♀️

Where's the hypocrisy?

LifeIsPainHighness · 03/06/2023 22:14

OP have you spoken to your parents or sister about your concerns?

FictionalCharacter · 03/06/2023 22:08

doubleoseven · 03/06/2023 15:40

Going against the grain, I think an adult shouting and slamming doors in someone else's house is out of order. Your Dsis must be so embarrassed. I wouldn't tolerate it in my home from my teen let alone another adult who should be able to control their anger.

I agree. If he shouts and slams doors when he's a guest in someone else's house, I dread to think what a bad tempered arse he is at home.

Original poster
Theeora · 03/06/2023 22:08

And yet you live with them, I'm NC with my abusive parent.

Yes, I do live with my parents. Is that OK with you?

OP posts:
LifeIsPainHighness · 03/06/2023 22:08

The digs at the OP’s lifestyle are fucking nasty, what is wrong with you people

I wanna see the dog now!