To move to another school

It's like deja vu for me. We had a very similar experience with dd. We would rather her be in a school but we ended up home edding because she was so unhappy.

Where are you up to now? It's not easy to home ed but it might be worth it to see your dd feeling calmer and more confident.

Has the school put in place any concrete strategies to help? E.g. written plans with intended outcomes.

There is also the possibility that your dd is ND which may affect her social relationships. We think my dd is autistic and she struggles with a lot of social interaction, can make but not keep friends, doesn't really read the situation. It makes the playground very difficult for them. It may be worth having the assessment.

If the school is small, presumably there are mixed age classes. Are all these girls in Y5 or are some in Y6. Will there be some new girls (or boys) in the class next year? Would this help?

Home ed might work, I would find it hard work because I think it would mean me driving her to places for social interaction.

You're right, in a rural area it would mean driving her around to see friends, but you don't have to be on the go nonstop. I guess your daughter already sees her tennis friends at least once or twice a week. Add a few sociable activities (home ed or otherwise) or playdates each week, and that might well be enough to keep her happy.

People assume that children need school-style interaction 30 hours a week to get their fill socially, but for most kids that isn't true. How much time did you used to need to get her together with friends during the summer holidays? It could look similar when home educating, except maybe a bit easier as you can get into more of a routine when you do it for longer than six weeks. We tend to fall into routines such as Mondays home ed climbing, Tuesdays game club, Thursdays meet up with a particular friend, Saturday sports club. If she makes friends with other home ed kids, they will have more time on their hands than schoolchildren, so they may be up for playing for many hours at a time, meaning you only have to drop her off or have the other child dropped off and they'll be happy for the day. My kids' playdates were usually a minimum of five hours.

You describe your daughter as sociable, friendly, and previously very confident. That indicates there is nothing wrong with her social skills, only the environment in which she has found herself. She deserves to be happy and to regain her confidence for the next year and a bit. I bet secondary will be entirely different. To the poster who said it is hard to go from home education to a big secondary school: not particularly! An outgoing child who has had positive social experiences will land on her feet. Many kids are home educated for primary and then start school in secondary. Unless they are the sort of children who will never be a good fit for school, they don't find it a difficult adjustment. Being happily home educated would be a far better foundation for secondary school than moving from a tiny primary where she has been ostracised and has come to believe there is something wrong with her.

The school can make sure she has someone to work with in the classroom and that she isn't on her own at playtime - if that isn't happening then you could follow it up. They can make the other pupils be kind and allow her to join in, and not to say anything mean. But they can't force true friendship. I know I'm a stuck record but before you do anything drastic and potentially even more damaging I do think you could have that frank conversation with the teacher - partly to find out why, but also to find out what they have tried, and to make sure DD's version of events is truthful. I sometimes have parents worrying that their children were 'alone all playtime' when they were alone for five minutes because they got cross about a game they didn't want to play or something.

Thinking ahead to secondary, could she go to the same school as her out of school friends?

In this situation I think I'd try and break the group of six down to smaller groups or individuals and arrange some play dates. Unfortunately if your DD hates gymnastics and the girls are spending breaktime cartwheeling around she's naturally going to be isolated but if you can help her try to get to know some of the girls better that may help.

Or even the boys. She dislikes gymnastics but what about football? My daughter's class had about 6 other girls in it, all of them heavily involved in dance. My daughter hates dancing and wouldn't entertain trying it. She tried football instead and spent her break times playing football with the boys in class, at parents evening I asked her teacher if there were concerns that she was always on the outskirts with the other girls and her teacher said that they'd noticed but she's close to X and Y (2 boys) so aren't bothered.

WRT appeals, this isn't really how they work. The panel don't just admit a child because they feel sorry for them, unfortunately. You'd have to demonstrate why the prejudice to the school in admitting your DD is less than the prejudice she faces by not being given a place. At the moment, she has a school place, she doesn't have friends but she isn't facing active physical bullying or name calling etc.

The argument will be that she could move to any new school and they would support her in making friends, etc. The panel can agree that she's unhappy at her current school, but not agree that she necessarily needs to go to this particular school.

It might be worth a try, but there are a lot of factors involved in appeals, and at the moment, it doesn't feel like you have a strong case.

It might be worth applying so she is on the waiting list for a place at the larger school if one becomes available?

Would you be thinking about home educating for Year 6, or permanently. If the former, I’d start considering secondary places now, especially those where her out of school friends might go, if there’s a decent chance she’ll get a place. If the latter, then off roll her and investigate all the groups and support that there is for home ed.

It’s hard with such a small school and yr5, they will naturally already be a tight group.
I’d definitely be asking school and see how they can assist eg not letting people pick partners and leave dd out. Can she help with a younger class at break DDs school had a sports thing at breaks where they played games with little ones on a rota.
Is she a Brownie or Guide? Guides start at age 10/yr 5. We have girls at tiny village schools and some quirky girls and parents feedback how positive it is for them. I’m a leader and we work really hard to include everyone eg putting them in mixed groups.

I think another school should be tried for in preference to home education.

All half term she's been anxious about going back to school and it's been sad to see.

This must be heartbreaking for you. My kids are quiet and don't have masses of friends but will be looking forward to going back as they get bored if they don't see their friends in the holidays and they don't enjoy sports outside school like your Dd does. I imagine this means she can do sporty clubs in the summer?

I would talk to her again and if homeschooling an option put it on the table with what it would look like. I think you would need a plan. Where I am I would be able to easily access museums and other things in term time without the holiday crowds which would be lovely.

In my area there seems to be an increase in homeschooling as I see tuition centres with small group classes in school hours for home ed kids even offering forest school etc.

It might seem like only a few weeks left but every day spent dreading going in and then dreading being alone and wondering what to do with yourself at break and lunch is awful. The school don't seem to have shared any kind of plan with you so hard to know what might change.

If it's feasible to homeschool I would choose this option until secondary. It sounds as though she has stuff going on outside of school so won't be isolated by doing it. You might be able to do more as actually need less time to learn what you need. Going to a school for six hours a day where she has no friends and is unhappy is awful. No harm in putting her on the waiting list for somewhere and checking it out with her in the meantime.

Small schools can be the worst. If large school is oversubscribed would it be worth homeschooling until she starts high school. Iv read some great things on here about home schooling groups.

We had similar problems with my eldest dd. We were also close to small schools and we were told she probably had autism. It was an awful time, dd was told she couldn't play with the others, lost all her confidence and eventually just gave up trying (sat alone every break and lunchtime).

The teachers do pigeonhole people. That's my experience of it, the quiet child, the autistic child. They did little to help dd once they'd labelled her and we were also told there were plans in place. Schools are massively under resourced and have little time to resolve problems so sometimes if your dd is compliant and quiet (yet desperately unhappy as you say) the school will keep placating you until you kick up a fuss.

We have withdrawn our dd (not an easy decision I can tell you) and we home ed now. It is not easy and not what I would have chosen but she is so much happier and her confidence has returned. Sometimes the school environment isn't for everyone and it doesn't reflect the real world, particularly when there is such a small mix. You could consider home ed as a real choice for your dd, our area is full of groups that meet so there are opportunities to mix and make friends.

Could you move her to a school that one or more of her friends outside school go to? Would that work?
I can't see that you will solve the problem by placing her in a new school again because by year 5 and 6 friendship circles will have set and it's hard to break in.
Year 7 will be very different though as things get a huge shake up then.

Sounds as if she has lots of friends and interests outside school. So I would just home Ed her for a year until secondary. It’s a funny time for children to make friends, parents are less invested in it too unless they’re very local as it’s not long til secondary.
I think it’s better to do that than potentially damage her self esteem move if another move fails.

Is the teacher actually being proactive in trying to get the other girls to include your dd? Have they talked to them without your dd present and asked them to consider how she feels? They're old enough to have some empathy. The fact they all do gymnastics is neither here nor there unless it's all they talk about.

The trouble with moving schools again is your dd will be experiencing another failure (current school) and go to the next with even lower self confidence.

I also wonder if there is something "different" about your dd. Does she lack social skills in some way or exudes lack of confidence/ interest somehow? Girls this age will readily pick up on these subtle cues. Typically girls would flock to a newcomer, especially with such a small group.

I'd also try inviting each girl one to one for a playdate, though it's not so easy when they get older and the other child refuses to go - unlike at 5 say, where they generally go along with it.

This is a really good point. Definitely something to work towards. Even if she can't move schools, can you promote out-of-school friendships with children who will be going to the same senior school? So that she knows some people when she arrives there.

If her year group is oversubscribed they can't make an exception even if they are sympathetic. It wouldn't be fair on the existing students to increase their class size.

I do think another move is a mistake FWIW. You chose both of her previous schools for good reasons, yet they didn't work out. What if you are wrong about this third school too?

When I have a parent who is very worried about friendship issues it is usually one of three things.

Sometimes, it is a highly anxious parent who reads too much into typical interactions between children. They don't give it enough time before starting to panic.

Sometimes, it is a genuine case of bullying and that must be taken seriously and dealt with.

Usually, the child - who may have lots of perfectly lovely qualities - needs a bit of support to interact appropriately with their peers. In my mind, I am thinking about a little boy this year who brags a lot - the other children don't like it and it will take time to address it sensitively with him.

Before you panic, ask the teacher for absolute honesty. If she thinks you are the sort of parent who will complain or get angry about it, you won't get it.

I'd definitely add her to the waiting-list. Spaces might become available over the summer.

If she's previously been bullied and now is being isolated, she needs her confidence building up. It's not going to do her any good whatever being kicked when she's down, over and over again.

Are there any holiday clubs/courses near you that she might enjoy that would help with building confidence and get her socialising over the summer? Forest/woodcraft camps, art courses, coding courses, tennis or sports camps? I'd try to give her lots of out-of-school social interaction in a safe, positive environment.