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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner has no respect

57 replies

Shh123 · 31/05/2023 22:39

Partners royally pissed me off. He's a lazy shit does no cooking or cleaning or washing or looking after the children his excuse "IvE bEeN WoRkInG AlL DaY" and I work nights yet I still manage to do those things and more he does things like there's noone else in the house or like I've told him he acts single. For example.
Hes ment to finish work early after noon no later than 2 didn't step foot through the door until 6 did he let me know his plan did he fuck!

Never texts or calls me when he's out of the house

Comes in from work bam staight on the sofa on his phone like hello I'm right here!! yes I've had a good day thank for asking!! As soon as he's finished his dinner that I've cooked whole still at the dinner table straight back on his phone ignoring everyone not even a thank you for dinner.

Evening spent on his phone and youtube
Oh and will fall asleep on the sofa with said phone in his hand
Wakes up in the morning (days off) then spends an hour at least on his phone until he gets his arse out of bed. Not like he has 2 kids under four down stairs

He moans at me for using my phone when he has something to say but gets all defensive and denies usage when I mentioned his or ignores me when I want to chat.

So AIBU I've not uttered one word to him for 3days and have gone to bed once the kids are in bed. He can have my company when he starts acting like a partner and not a phone obsessed that!!

OP posts:
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Nanny0gg · 01/06/2023 15:31

Shh123 · 31/05/2023 23:29

Is there a different way I can approach him with these issues. What ive stated up there is what said I've told him but he gets defensive and twists everything on me. I'm not being heard. I need to get to the bottom of this before I leave 10 years will be wasted otherwise

Tell him that it changes or it's over.

He'll either care or he won't.

(My money is on won't)

bonzaitree · 01/06/2023 15:29

OP can you afford therapy? (To be clear I mean go on your own!)

Might be good to speak to someone properly about this.

my counsellor is only £30 per hour and she is amazing. She has helped me see patterns of behaviour that are deeper than the immediate problem. For example - why have the two of you found yourself in this situation after ten years?

Theres no harm is there- if you have spare £60 per month it would be money well spent for fortnightly sessions.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 01/06/2023 08:51

Take half of everything in the joint accounts. Then tell him to leave. Done.

He doesn't love or respect you. He doesn't care about his children. Nothing will change him.

So leave.

Yahyahs22 · 01/06/2023 08:05

I just got out of a relationship JUST like this. Funnily enough he left because he wasn't happy..you might want to beat him to it

Brocolibee · 01/06/2023 07:20

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2023 22:58

Oh and my children are perfectly fine

No they're not. They're living in a home with a father who is totally disinterested in their lives, who treats their mother horribly, who doesn't model respect or consideration whatsoever, and as a result their mum is desperately unhappy.

Your kids aren't fine at all.

Yeah it's not doing them any favours. I also wonder how many people who put up with this shit grew up in households which were similar. I'd never put up with this, what a crap way to live.

Jagoda · 01/06/2023 07:19

You want him to behave differently but this is who he is. He doesn’t give a fuck.

Stop thinking you can control his behaviour, and start making plans to extricate yourself and your DC from this toxic life. Future you will thank you.

EllandRd · 01/06/2023 07:18

Well why you with him?

BigChesterDraws · 01/06/2023 07:13

This isn’t a “partnership”. The sooner you realise that, the better.

Bogeyes · 01/06/2023 06:44

Your complaining to him is falling on deaf ears....he takes no notice as he had heard it all before. He knows you will shut up when you run out of steam. This will be it for the rest of your life. You deserve better....kick his selfish lazy arse out. Lots of lovely men out there!

pinkfondu · 01/06/2023 06:34

You lay it on the line for him and be prepared to split up.

You are teaching your kids how a relationship looks.

TheKobayashiMaru · 01/06/2023 05:37

Shh123 · 31/05/2023 23:09

I might as well be single but doesn't mean I want to be I just want him to see that his behaviour sometimes over steps the mark

You want him to change but he won't. He won't see it from your point of view because he doesn't want to. He has a nice, cushy life and he wants it to stay that way.

Shes only repeating what I say I have told her it's not her place and it's mine and DP issue she shouldn't get wrapped up in it.

She's saying it as you are not doing anything about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/06/2023 05:18

Do you want your daughter to end up with someone like this? Because by putting up with it you’re showing her, every single day, that neither you nor she are worth anything better. She’s learning from the dysfunction in your relationship.

This is how the cycle of downtrodden women skivvying for deadbeat men continues.

theGooHasGone · 01/06/2023 05:03

Raise your standards and stand up to him. He's being a surly, lazy arsehole who's ignoring his family and isn't pulling his weight around the house. Most people wouldn't put up with that.

DreamTheMoors · 01/06/2023 04:33

Shh123 · 31/05/2023 23:09

I might as well be single but doesn't mean I want to be I just want him to see that his behaviour sometimes over steps the mark

@Shh123

God almighty have some respect for yourself and love for your children.

GTFO and do better. You can certainly do better than the loser you’re currently sharing a bed with and allowing to disrespect you in front of your children.

Read your posts back to yourself and tell me you aren’t scraping the very bottom of the barrel.

Even your 13-yr-old knows you can do better.

Coyoacan · 01/06/2023 03:41

You had my sympathy, OP, until you said you were applying the silent treatment.

It must be horrible to live in a family where one of the parents is giving the silent treatment to the other.

My mother used to apply the silent treatment to us when we misbehaved and that is the closest I've ever come to having an ulcer when she did that.

Having said that, we all know it is not easy to separate, but you could start by making plans, one step at a time.

Deathbyfluffy · 01/06/2023 00:44

Shh123 · 31/05/2023 23:19

I think he needs to leave but it's not as simple as that we have alot of stuff in joint names accounts etc

Show quote history

So does everyone else that gets divorced or splits up, there’s processes in place to ‘untie’ you both.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2023 00:40

Shh123 · 31/05/2023 23:09

I might as well be single but doesn't mean I want to be I just want him to see that his behaviour sometimes over steps the mark

you don't like him.
he doesn't respect you.
his eldest doesn't respect him.
i get its hard with a newborn but honestly, what's in this relationship for you?
it would be easier without him to look after and you might get one overnight a fortnight break if he has the older two.

I'm confused tho if you're working nights why you're not just feeding you and the kids earlier so you can get out to work easier, and just leave him with the chores to finish

Whataretalkingabout · 01/06/2023 00:36

Oh please stop people! No reason to yell at the OP! She comes here for support not more abuse. I just finished reading Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? A reference on abuse. You can read it free online. It is full of excellent advice.

If you want to stay then you need to put your foot down and speak up for yourself OP, every time. Like a broken record. Abuse is the opposite of respect. And he disrespects you!! When you finally get tired of that you need to start preparing for life without him -even if that is not your intention. And then give him an ultimatum and do a temporary separation. Why? Because he will never change unless you are dead serious. He is too comfortable and happy with the way things are and besides he doesn't even listen to you. It is already a bit late to hope for change. He is pretty far gone in his abusive ways. But you can give it a try. Just be very determined. Good luck.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/06/2023 00:20

Shh123 · 31/05/2023 23:29

Is there a different way I can approach him with these issues. What ive stated up there is what said I've told him but he gets defensive and twists everything on me. I'm not being heard. I need to get to the bottom of this before I leave 10 years will be wasted otherwise

I suggest you look up “sunk cost fallacy “. It’s as relevant to relationships as it is finances.

CJsGoldfish · 01/06/2023 00:06

Oh and my children are perfectly fine
No, they really aren't.
They are learning that this is what a relationship looks like. What you are modelling is, and will continue to be, their normal
After being rejected by the 2 men in her life, what do you think your 13 year old is going to be seeking/settle for?

Your children will absolutely pay the price here

Opaque11 · 31/05/2023 23:51

ChrisTrepidation · 31/05/2023 23:41

So her father doesn't want to know her and her surrogate father doesn't want to know her.

Your poor DD.

Op you should be ashamed that you have brought this useless man into her life and she has no choice. Your poor dd has to just live with this toxic atmosphere all because her mother wants a boyfriend. Because that's what it is. Read all your posts and be honest with yourself.

Opaque11 · 31/05/2023 23:48

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2023 22:48

The person you should be angry with is yourself. You're the one tolerating this bullshit. He's never going to change, love, so you have to if you want a happy life. You'll never have one with him.

Op how can you type such a post with absolutely not even looking at yourself first? You're the one putting up with this yet complaining Hmm

ChrisTrepidation · 31/05/2023 23:45

There's nothing to get to the bottom of other than he is a useless lazy twat who doesn't care.

Op I've been there. Making excuses for a partner who just doesn't give a shit. Looking for deeper meaning when there is none.

Some people are just lazy and feckless. It is who they are and you can't change them.

ChrisTrepidation · 31/05/2023 23:43

No there's nothing you can do. You may as well draw a face on the wall and talk to it instead.

Don't be a victim.of the sunk costs fallacy. It's been ten years, don't make it another ten.

ChrisTrepidation · 31/05/2023 23:41

So her father doesn't want to know her and her surrogate father doesn't want to know her.

Your poor DD.

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