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Original poster

To be devastated?

65 replies

CryingMamma · 31/05/2023 15:22

I'm a single Mum. I raised my son with special needs by myself. Never a penny or a hand off his Father. We've always been two peas in a pod.

He's had loads of challenges thrown his way. Illnesses. Severe depression. Autism. I've fought tooth and nail for the best for him his whole life. I've always been his biggest cheerleader.

I never really went out or put myself first. I was a devoted Mum. I even gave him the master bedroom in our house. He is my favourite person and I'm very attached, maybe too much I admit, because it was always just us.

I read every book, saw every doctor, ran my whole life around being the best parent and struggled for years to support us. Which was hard.

I started my own business just after he was born so I could provide but also be home every day and for school holidays. It was hard, but I ended up providing him with a great life where he wanted for nothing.

I got covid in 2020 and was very ill (thought I might not live) and was left with long covid. At the same time my hospitality business was hampered by lockdowns and I was one of the "excluded" so my income dropped by 80% in 2020 and 2021.

In 2022 I could no longer afford the flat I was renting, so I clung on as long as I possibly could but lost the flat just before my son went off to university.

When my son left for university, I moved in with my partner to his 1 bedroom flat. Temporarily. With the idea being we would get a bigger place all together.

I've been trying desperately ever since to get a new home and get life back on track, but life keeps kicking me.

I went out of business. I've got severe depression. I struggle with long covid. My partner has very serious health problems. My son has also had similar. I feel like I've spent the last eight months just racing back and forth across the country to look after others.

We weren't able to move into a bigger place yet. Partly because my partner has had serious health problems. Partly because everywhere is so expensive and I'm struggling.

Basically every penny I've had has been given to my son. Travel to see him. Hotels to stay near him. Private counselling when he felt bad. Hundreds each month towards living costs. I even paid for his girlfriends travel and so on. Basically just always trying to make him happy and make his life as nice as possible.

When he's struggled, I've spoken to student services or doctors or found counsellors. He struggled academically and I supported him every way possible. Googling, advice, advocating.

Anyway, he was due home from uni on 28th June so the plan was we'd have moved into a bigger place by then. But he got sick and ended up coming home mid April before we were prepared. So three of us in a very tiny 1 bed flat.

That lasted a couple of weeks, with us frantically trying to find a bigger house a couple of months earlier than we'd known was needed. I was at my wits end: sick partner, sick son, tiny flat and then I caught pneumonia and was very ill.

In the middle of that, I had to go (with pneumonia) across the country because my son had to vacate his halls of residence. So off I went with pneumonia, helped him pack, organised storage etc all whilst sleeping on the floor and eating pot noodles.

And in the midst of this had a horrible row with my son.

Basically, I was frantically trying to sort the housing situation but my son said because I'd "made him homeless" and was "too clingy" he wasn't spending summer with me and that he was an independent "adult" and told me his friends parents gave them stable homes and I didn't.

I was exhausted, sick, seriously depressed and so badly hurt that I shouted at him and told him we were a family and families lived together and as long as I financially supported him that he had to live with me in holidays. He said he'd grown up, fled the nest and would look after himself.

He decided to go and live with his girlfriend and said when I get a house sorted, they "might visit". I feel devasted in a way I can't really articulate.

Without my knowledge, he spoke to my wealthy, childless, brother. Who I'm not close t lives overseas, and who's always been judgemental. One comment I remember shortly after my son was born was "wow, you were the prettiest girl in school and look at you now - single Mum and you got fat".

Anyway, my brother got told I had money problems and health problems and he told my son he'd support him. He's giving him £1000 a month. He's also swooped in and taken over being a parent. He's sorted an issue I'd been trying to sort for months snd been hailed a hero.

I sent a message to my mother saying he was "on top of it now" and listing my son's problems he was dealing with (problems I was ALREADY completely on top of!!!) and now he's acting like I'm a deadbeat or useless.

My son needs to sort an academic problem and I said we'd do it together. He said he'd rather his uncle because he's good at it and being around me "makes him feel bad". He said I was in a bad place mentally and financially and to sort myself out.

My Mum is telling me I've no reason to be upset because I'm being "helped". So why does it feel like my horrible, judge, twat brother who's not ever so much as babysat my son had bought my kid for £1000?

I just feel completely devastated.

OP posts:
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6G00SEGOlden · 10/06/2023 09:47

Depending on his abilities, your son & his GF should be working in the holidays

fuckip · 10/06/2023 09:08

How are things OP?

IWantToVote · 01/06/2023 17:24

That a good update. I'm glad things are feeling a little better.

Gingerkittykat · 31/05/2023 23:39

I don’t think sending emails to my son's university and getting involved I'm issues I've been managing fine with, without even messaging me first is all that normal. We're not estranged.

A bit off topic but does your son have disability support in uni? It can include an autism communication coach who can help him talk to university staff if he has problems.

He should definitely be navigating these situations without your help.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 31/05/2023 22:55

OP, first of all I would like to congratulate you on raising a tiny human being to adulthood, which is no mean feat, especially on your own, and even more so when your child has suffered health problems, whether physical or mental. It sounds like you’ve worked so hard, and your only focus in life has been giving your son the best life possible. You’ve done it now! You can tick that job off your list.

I can totally understand how upset you are at the way things have gone recently, as you clearly had dreams of how things would progress with your son as he grew up, and having spent so much time focused on his needs over the last 18 years, you feel that he has rejected you, and it hurts like hell. Sadly, you’re not the only one to end up feeling this way, but thankfully for most of us, it ends up only being a life transition, and in the space of a few years, I think it highly likely that your relationship with your boy will be as strong as ever. However, for now, he is just flexing his muscles, and trying to show you he can do it all on his own. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Remember a time when you thought your parents were idiots, and knew absolutely nothing? I do!

So while he’s busy doing that, it’s time for you to move on to the next stage in YOUR life, obviously you don’t have to wipe your son from your mind, but at the moment you seem to be suffering from ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’, some suffer more than others with this, but give it a couple of months, and if you’re not feeling a bit more settled about him coping on his own, then it might be worth your while to have a chat with your GP, or a counsellor. In the meantime though, as others have suggested, try and concentrate your efforts on looking after yourself. Get plenty of sleep, eat well, get some exercise, even if it’s only going for a little walk out in nature, fresh air works wonders! Once you’re feeling better health wise, then it’s time to start thinking about what you missed out on by starting your family young. Think about what you were planning to do with your life after you left education. Did you have dreams of travelling, a career, what? Maybe it’s not to late to do these things, after all, if my sums are right, you’re only 37, and with any luck, have a long time left on this earth. Please don’t waste it feeling sad. Make some plans, take up a hobby. Do you like meeting new people? Join some clubs. Learn to dance. There are so many opportunities out there, but you need to go out and grab them, as they won’t come looking for you.

I really hope that you can get to grips with all this OP, I really do understand, and know it isn’t easy, but you CAN do it, you just have to want to. Good luck and sending a comforting hug your way.

TheSnowyOwl · 31/05/2023 21:54

I’m sorry for how you are feeling and how this has turned out. However, I think your son is overly reliant upon you and you believe you have to do these things for him to be able to live independently. I’m autistic and understand about being overwhelmed and the changes uni life beings but it’s also part of growing up and needing to be able to learn to self regulate, retreat when needed, and deal with life.

Sazza26xx · 31/05/2023 21:51

Honestly, you sound like an absolute fantastic mum who's done absolutely everything they can, I don't have any advice but I hope things get better ♥️

ZIEVAR · 31/05/2023 21:46

I despair at some of the answers here. Some people have NO IDEA of what is involved in raising a child who is on the spectum and has other difficulties. Notoriously, this disorder makes the person avoid social contact wherever possible. Your son has mastered his education to Universirty level, making friends along the way. He has a girlfriend and is involved with her family. YOU HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB IN DIFFICULT CIRCUMSTANCES. YOU SHOULD BE VERY, VERY PROUD OF YOURSELF! HONESTLY.

Now he has acheived all of this, it is now your time to step back. The lecturer on here gave good advice. Let the university help him with his education. Let the university's counselling service give him support..
Let him be 18 and learn from any of the mistakes we all make.

You are understandably aggrieved by your brother. Actually, you don't really know what your son relayed to your brother. eg. She has tried for so long, she is ill, her partner is ill, she needs a bigger house, she has worked so hard and has been so unlucky. Perhaps, you brother began to feel really guilty that he had not offered help prior to this. As for him involving himself in your son's education? Well, some people's personality just need to get 10/10 and a gold star,even if it is from themselves.😁

Everyone is feeling stressed. Please try to accept that this is just the next stage of your son's development. It is his time now. Try to look after yourself and your health, because all of the past 18 years has taken a toll on you, even although you did everything with love, and on your own. It is also your time now.

As an aside, teenagers always think they know better and can change the world. Until the day it dawns on them that they had heard something before...Oh wait, it was from their parents,😂Feel better soon.

lauraloulou1 · 31/05/2023 21:32

Crying Mama it sounds like you have been through the absolute ringer! So sorry for your troubles. My mum brought us up alone and University was a weird time in our relationship as it was very hard for both of us the separation and the transition to the next stage. I think some old wounds with your brother are coming up and you should look at that and not bring your son into what is clearly a really toxic dynamic. Your brother sounds like a bit of a pratt! You have long covid, you have lost your business and have been supporting two vulnerable people for a very long time (partner and son). Its not fashionable or maybe even not fair to say but depression is contagious and it sounds like you have a bit of it yourself as there is a lot of catastrophising going on? I teach in a uni and I agree students with autism can be more vulnerable and they still need their parents but I also see my role as a bit of a midwife for their adulthood? And its a labour for a child to become an adult and so the sad/difficult angry feelings he may have are being taken out on you. He needs to be able to survive without your constant loving attention and you need to have a different satellite to orbit. It's great he has a girlfriend! The flat sounded too cramped and if he has other options then let it settle. Focus on yourself for the next while and try and recover from the terrible few years you have had. Covid has been really bad for everyone yes but it sounds like you have been especially impacted so take good care of yourself and stay in contact with your son - he will always need and love his Mama ✨️ it can just be overwhelming the dynamic between a single mum and kids and when you get to uni it can feel uncomfortable to compare. Big hug for you x

2bazookas · 31/05/2023 21:09

Your adult son sharing 1bed flat with you and your partner, all ill, was unsustainable.

This is a good solution; your son has a roof over his head with a friend( living with GF) and a ki d uncle; he has an income, and help sorting his academic issue, so he can continue at university. Surely you can see that's the best thing for him? and therefore for you and DP.

Twinsmummy1812 · 31/05/2023 20:51

It’s time to focus on yourself and your partner, on your physical and mental health. Once that improves then hopefully you can get back in your feet, upgrade your accommodation and your son will be able to have a room with you to come and stay in holidays etc. It also sounds like you need a conversation with your brother, saying you appreciate that he is trying to help but you think he is going about it in the wrong way. Does he intend subsidising and ‘managing’ your son forever? It could be devastating to your son if his uncle suddenly loses interest.

isadoradancing123 · 31/05/2023 20:38

You have raised an ungrateful little shit

Original poster
CryingMamma · 31/05/2023 20:35

BMW6 · 31/05/2023 19:58

OP please, stop. He owes you absolutely nothing. Don't push him further away with your jealousy- which is what I think it is.

Give him space to grow into adulthood and he will have a great relationship with you.
Act the martyr and you won't. You'll lose him.

He didn't ask to be born. You parented as you should of course. As I said earlier, he owes you nothing at all.

It's not jealousy at all. At my brother it's fury. I'd imagine if your siblings started sending letters to your only child's university without telling you and messaging your mother to imply you were an incapable parent, you'd understand the fury.

About my son, its sadness that because I lost my money I ended up not being able to be with him at home cooking tea and doing his washing. I don't think he "owes" me anything.

It's just very different for your child to choose to be elsewhere to being unable to be with you because you can't provide accommodation. It feels horrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
CryingMamma · 31/05/2023 20:27

LeilaRose777 · 31/05/2023 19:11

Let him go - he needs to grow up and he's doing it. You sound aggrieved that he's grateful for the help he's getting from your brother. You sound angry that someone else is helping. Why not focus on your own health now that you've got a much needed breathing space?

My brother could have helped ME. Any time over 19 years. Not least when I was left alone with a baby 19 years ago. So it's nice he's helping his nephew, but the way he's done it is awful.

I don’t think sending emails to my son's university and getting involved I'm issues I've been managing fine with, without even messaging me first is all that normal. We're not estranged.

I found out about this from ny Mother. My brother messaged her to say he'd given my so money, emailed his University and was "on top of things".

Like I wasn't...!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
CryingMamma · 31/05/2023 20:22

RedHelenB · 31/05/2023 18:48

This. Acting like a martyr is not going to impress your son. If you were so ill you couldn't help him you should have told him that. And moving in with your partner to a smaller flat when you want your son to come home for a long summer holiday seems ill advised.

Show quote history

I was pointing out that money isn't everything. I might not have money anymore, but I've always been there doing what I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
CryingMamma · 31/05/2023 20:19

Talipesmum · 31/05/2023 18:27

OP this isn’t the culmination of motherhood. This is just one little step along the way.

You and your son have built deep deep roots. The majority of your lives will be with both of you as adults - this is just one step along the road, and yes it’s sad that it isn’t the ideal set up of him coming back to your lovely house in the holidays etc but you have had a really dreadful time over the past few years and you are still FIGHTING and recovering and building, and it takes time.

18 year olds are famously a bit self absorbed and yes it’s infuriating that your brother is suddenly mr magic fixit but hey, he is helping, and it’s nice from your son’s perspective. Take the help, bite your tongue and look after yourself. Build yourself up and don’t panic about the relationship with your son. It goes soooo deep. It’ll still be there. You have years and years ahead and start thinking about how you’ll both adjust to that relationship with you both as adults. That’s the next stage.

Thank you. I think I have felt like it was the culmination and I'd missed his wedding day or something I'd always looked forward to.

OP posts:
Original poster
CryingMamma · 31/05/2023 20:09

Gettingbysomehow · 31/05/2023 18:35

I know its easy for me to say this but don't be upset. I bought up my son alone and we were very close but after uni he really kicked off, refused to come home and started hanging out with his deadbeat father who didn't pay a penny for him or see him at all when he was growing up.
At one point I didn't even know where he was for a year.
He just wanted to be independent but was as yet still too young to know how communicate this properly.
I just let him get on with it. A couple of years later and we were as close as ever. Not surprisingly his father totally let him down.
It's a rite of passage they must go through.
Take this opportunity to sort out your own problems and let him get on with it.

Thank you. This makes me feel a lot better. I feel dumped for someone with more money, but this makes me feel like it might not be lost.

OP posts:
Original poster
CryingMamma · 31/05/2023 20:06

Nevermind31 · 31/05/2023 18:26

Why are you doing everything for him? Why are you sorting everything for him? Why are you constantly visiting at uni? You sound very very involved.
your brother is not stealing your son? Why aren’t you happy that he is helping your son?

My son is autistic, with mental health and physical health problems as I said. Of course I go there when he's struggling. Independent living has been extremely hard to adjust to.

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 31/05/2023 19:59

You should be glad. Looks like you invested way too much into your relationship with your son - and I understand, he's your child and he's got special needs but is there any chance he needed some breathing space as he saw you as overbearing? Sure, he needs some help so he found it from someone who's well away and is still a relative. You also say that your partner is having some serious health issues. Is there a chance you love the position of a carer of someone who's potentially weaker than you?

BMW6 · 31/05/2023 19:58

OP please, stop. He owes you absolutely nothing. Don't push him further away with your jealousy- which is what I think it is.

Give him space to grow into adulthood and he will have a great relationship with you.
Act the martyr and you won't. You'll lose him.

He didn't ask to be born. You parented as you should of course. As I said earlier, he owes you nothing at all.

BusMumsHoliday · 31/05/2023 19:52

I'm a lecturer - stop doing anything at all with your son's academic problems. He needs to sort those himself. You're doing no favours by wading in. He's an adult, the university will treat him like an adult, and if he's missed deadlines or requirements, or needs to apply for extenuation because he's been ill, his personal tutor can help him navigate that.

You sound like a very loving and caring mum, but you have to put yourself at least first equal. If you can't save up for a flat deposit and give him £100s a month, he gets less for a bit.

I do think you were wrong to tie support to him living with you during summer, especially when you've got so little space. You're absolutely reasonable not to provide any extra support, but he's an adult and can choose where he lives if he can pay for it from his usual allowance.

It must be awful to feel like you've been pushed aside for a richer relative. But I think your son has been taking the piss a bit, and I think he'll probably soon start to do the same with your brother - and he probably won't be such a soft touch. Which is to say, keep in casual contact, think about what boundaries you want to set going forward, and enjoy having a bit more money, until he comes back with his tail between his legs.

Original poster
CryingMamma · 31/05/2023 19:52

SquirrelFan · 31/05/2023 18:24

I am going to go against the majority here and say you are absolutely not being unreasonable to feel the way you feel. It must feel like you're being discarded in favour of a richer person who has never given a fig for your DS. He is young and tactless. When I remember some of the things I said to my single mum when I was a young adult, I cringe.
However. You have an opportunity here! As pps have said, it's time to look after yourself now. Time to become happier and healthier-best of luck to you.

Than you. Yes, it feels like this :(

Also people saying i shouldn't have gone to help my son move...as I mentioned, he'd come "home" early due to being sick with anxiety from exams. He's autistic. Moving / change is almost trauma for him and he couldn't cope.

Just because he's at university it doesn't mean his autism was a small thing. Lots of things are extremely challenging and he needs extra help. Asking friends for help wouldn't be possible for him. He gets into a panic.

Not long ago he got on a wrong train three times AND lost his luggage because travelling is so overwhelming. So if I seem clingy, that's probably true, but he's always needed me more.

OP posts:
OCDmama · 31/05/2023 19:49

Let him go.

Also, you should have no involvement in his academic career. He's an adult. It's embarrassing.

XelaM · 31/05/2023 19:42

I shouted at him and told him we were a family and families lived together and as long as I financially supported him that he had to live with me in holidays.

WHAT?!? That's beyond crazy. Leave your son be and sort yourself out. These are not normal things to say to an 18-year-old.

PinkFrogss · 31/05/2023 19:31

I think I remember a previous post from you OP, and I agree with the others. Let him start to have some independence, uni is the perfect time to start that transition into indecent life.

I would also review how much money you can afford to give him. Most uni students don’t need hundreds a month plus all that paid for them and their girlfriend. It doesn’t sound like you can afford it.

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