Same parents, different surnames: has anyone done this?

Friends of mine did it that the first born got her surname, then the second his. It fell that they had a DS then a DD. For their subsequent children they stuck with DS’s having her name.

For us it was entirely patriarchal. Not because my husband is, he's very egalitarian. He's half Chinese on the paternal side and all boys are entitled to a Chinese generational name. All children are also recorded in a family tree album. If they are boys their children are also recorded in said book. If they are girls their children are not included. The line ends with them. They also are not entitled to the generational name. It's not (now anyway) intentionally sexist, just a tradition they have kept, but I didn't see why my daughter should have their family name if she was going to be treated differently to her brother's later on, so I gave her mine and the boys got his.

Well yes.

I also strongly dislike the split along the sexes. Too “them and us”. But I also see many families where the family is very split into sex roles- the girls do stuff with mum, while the boys play footie with dad. This seems like an extension of that.

it reinforces this whole gender stereotype crap we’re trying to fight against.

why not first child mums name, second dads etc. take the gender roles out of it.

It's not that common, but we did it. I didn't change my name after marriage (why should I, it's my name) and we gave our sons his name and our daughter mine. It seemed the fairest way without saddling them all with a long name that sounded silly. No one seems too confused by it

I wish I’d given my kids my surname as a middle name.

I went to school with a brother and sister who had this precise arrangement.
and given the dad’s surname was Pratt, I thought the son might have felt shortchanged…😂

If she's a feminist at 9 @Jourdain11 it may well be she won't want to change her name if she decides to get married, so she is picking a "name for life".

I think it's nice. I'd give it a few months to see if she changes her mind, then let her do it. You can do any paperwork after year 6 if she's still into it then.

The implication that men want to pass their name to a boy more than to a girl doesn’t resonate with my lived reality. My DH was one of those people who really hoped to have daughters, not sons. Under our plan of girls get my name, in his ideal family, all his children would get my name.

Ours will have both of their names and when they are older can choose to keep both or drop one.

Your DD could probably do the same without going through anything legal as your name is already on all of her documents even if technically as middle rather then surname.

Yes, it's what it feels like.

I think that sometimes the best way to reject tradition is to reject it wholesale - which includes not letting rejecting tradition influence your ideas any more than embracing it would. Just pick and mix what suits you without worrying about rejecting or continuing anything.

I've kept my name, DH kept his, and we're going double-barrelled for the kids.

I didn't mind the idea of them having DH's surname only, because I always teased him with the fact that a woman knows who the real father of her kids is. But his surname is crap with most forenames. So mine is going first.

I don’t ‘love’ the idea of boys having a dads last name and girls taking mums last name, so in that sense I’ve never thought about children with different surnames but the same parent. It would make me think the dad favours / has a special relationship with the boy, and vice versa. But then, it’s none of my business what people name their kids and I’d never question it if heard it.

My husband has a very English last name, I do not (as I’m not English..!). I adore my last name and would never give it up. My husbands family name ‘ends’ with him, so he didn’t want to change either. We each kept our respective last names post-marriage (which saves on a LOT of paperwork) but double-barrelled our names for our kids.

Could be a bit tedious for them having a long last name, and I assume in conversation (at least while young), they may choose to just introduce themselves with one of the names only (likely my husbands as it is easier to pronounce and spell in the UK). I do already wonder what they will do if they choose to marry… triple-barrelled? Where does it end !?

I know. The irony!

Talking about feminism and then saying 'a girl gets mum's name'

Is that to suggest a daughter is closer to mum than dad?

I know someone who did. Two children, same sex, first had dad's name and second had mum's

I'm in a slightly different situation as my partner was another woman and we had one child each, giving 'my' child my name and 'her' child her name.
Having different surnames within a family unit has never been an issue.
In a heterosexual relationship, it would have been non-negotiable for me that the first child would have had my name... subsequent children I'd have been willing to alternate or something. Not keen on girls getting my name, boys his.

I am also wondering why most posters who have done this have given their girls their name and their boys their dads name...its almost like it's still accepted that in the next generation, the girls will change their names upon marriage and give their children their husbands name but the boys wont...so the dads who agree to give the girls their mums surname aren't 'losing out' as their name wont be continued anyway. Or maybe I'm reading into it too much

Is this more common in different cultures?

In Iceland you are e.g. Magnus Einarson or Bjork Goðrúndóttir. Mostly people are named after their father so e.g. Einarson or Einardóttir but can be Goðrúnson or Goðrúndóttir after their mother.

In Spanish speaking cultures women don't change their name and children inherit both names, although it's father's name that is carried down further by the grandchildren, they don't keep increasing the barrelling.

Closer to home historically Scottish women didn't change their name on marriage and gravestones always have a woman's own name, not her husbands.

Naming conventions vary around the world and women and children don't always follow the English system.

I wish I’d have thought of this! It would be great if more people did this.

Is this more common in different cultures? Reminded me of a colleague who told me her and her sisters all had the surname Miah while her brothers had a more masculine sounding surname. Unsure if either of these were the same as their parents.

Mine both have my name - a close family member has 2 DDs with one surname each. Never caused any confusion.

Your DD sounds fab!

Agree, don't guilt trip her about 'upsetting daddy' - she shouldn't have to factor a man's feelings into it.

My friend did this as an adult. Parents are still very much together but she stopped using her dad's quite common surname (McSomething). and now goes by her mums lovely sounding French surname.

Surely if yours is the surname on their birth certificates, and you have not changed it by deed poll, then they actually already all have your surname. They may get called their fathers name but it's not actually their legal name?

I knew a family where the boys had the dad's surname and girls mum's. I think that's fairly common. Though me as a child was a bit confused and thought they weren't full siblings initially.

Every poster so far who has divided it has given boys their father's name.

'cept me...

Although I suppose first born has his dad's name - so perhaps our 'spare' is the reason he didn't mind.