Am I a shit mum?

Both myself and my DH work ft and we have three DC. We have a cleaner (absolute godsend, would not be without her), I do the washing during the week and we get an online shop delivered on a Friday leaving the weekends free. Saying all that though myself and my DH are a team. We both take on the share of sorting the DC out, the mental load, life admin etc... I could not be with someone who saw all of this as my job. The house, children and life admin are all joint responsibilities

now I am back to work those chores are done on a weekend (I try my best to fit them in her nap times). DH has said he feels like a single parent on the weekend and thinks I do the laundry/cooking for baby/bare minimum housework to avoid the baby.

Lmfao
He needs to step up and pull his weight.

Other suggestions
Online shopping (make lists and automate)
It's hard because you are tired but do small jobs week nights. We hang laundry Mon, wed and Friday then fold and put away on Tue Thu sat. It means it's smaller jobs

I saw something the other day which said women are expected to work like they don't have children and mother as though they have no job. It's so true

Meanwhile, men are absolutely lauded for doing a minuscule parenting task and helped out and worshipped by others if they have to do the majority of parenting for a reason. Women are reviled if they work ‘too much’ (the same amount as men) or don’t do the majority of the domestic drudgery on top of full time work (probably still more than many men).

A thread earlier mentioned a woman critically ill in hospital and how people absolutely rallied around her husband to help care for the children. As soon as the woman was home, trying to recover from the illness and surgery, everyone disappeared and she was left to it while he went back to work. Fucking depressing.

It would give me the ick too. And my privates would be shut like a steel trap to such a nasty, selfish man.

He needs to do more. Could you also maybe relax your standards a little and or also get a cleaner and maybe a gardener or could one of you cut your days down to 4 days a week then you get some time together to do some fun stuff on a weekend. As these times are hard going but working full time and spending all weekend doing housework sounds like no life or fun for any of you. Or could he take over the last half hour of bed times to free you up to do some cleaning, meal prep on a week night so less to do on a weekend or you could alternate this.

What exactly does he do while you rind around doing everything? Other than mooching on the couch and moaning? Do you not feel resentful OP?

I'd have the ick too. But, again, he's likely saying this to guilt you into looking after the baby when you're both at home, while he cools his heels doing nothing. It's unlikely to be based on any actual observations of your behaviour.

I think I would feel like you too re the ick. Some men are shit and really don't seem to appreciate what it's like for women. I saw something the other day which said women are expected to work like they don't have children and mother as though they have no job. It's so true. What has changed for him since you carried and birthed the baby and took a year off? Not a lot by the sounds of it...he needs to pull his finger out.

Have you got a cleaner? I compress my hours into four days so I get a weekday with my toddler as well as the weekend and still have a cleaner so our time is less concentrated on jobs. But we have a four bed house and lots of pets so it requires more cleaning than if we had no pets, but appreciate it might not make as much difference to you getting a cleaner.

I think he sounds a bit resentful like he is being left holding the baby. As you've said, see how he copes being assigned chores and you can play in the garden in the sunshine instead

Why are you doing everything? Tell DH he can do half of what you do and you'll gladly have the baby when he does it.

What does he do other than work ?

As an aside, I do most of the cleaning/cooking but DH will spend the first 3 to 4 hours on both weekend days playing with DS4 while I do it, which frankly as I already have DS on my own 2 days a week is a sanity saver.

Ah, one of those. Doesn't want to take the baby on a Saturday for 2/3 hours while you clean because that's his "down time" from work, but also doesn't want to clean himself, but expects the chores to be done. By the chore fairy. Who does not exist.

Point out the flaw in his logic.

Is it though?

It's 'just' changing a nappy, 'just' getting them dressed for the day, 'just' reading them the same book one more time, 'just' fixing their dinner, 'just' packing their lunch for the next day - I could go on and on. On top of everything else and working all these little things all add up.

Invalidating the OP's feelings is not helpful, hun

So, you’re a married single mum.

Tell him to shape up and share the household chores or you’ll be heading for divorce.

No, you’re not a shit mum as you are doing everything. He’s clearly a shit husband and father, and it’s awful that’s he resents spending time with his child on the weekend whilst watching you clean.

@3AndStopping

she would probably love it a whole lot more if she had a husband who pulled his weight

@bonnyrascal

why dont you have any friends op?

Do you enjoy being a mum/spending time with your DC?

Next weekend, don't lift a finger apart from to care for your DC - no meals for him, no laundry, no dishwasher, no tidying, leave all the dirty plates on the side.

Tell him on Sunday evening that you're going in early on Monday so he'll have to sort clean stuff for the nursery bag and do drop-off. And oh by the way it's all in the laundry pile needing washing and drying. And could he clean the kitchen please, you're not sure why he's let it get into such a state. Rinse and repeat until he takes responsibility for his share of tasks.

What does he do?

My "D" H was like that, did no work and moaned. He is now my Ex. You are not a shit mum, he is shit husband. Dont enable him and give him a list of chores or dump him. You deserve better, you are not his maid and cook or cleaner. Dont waste your life on a lazy sod like I did.

I haven’t voted because I don’t know. There are two possible scenarios, and one is that you are run ragged shopping, cooking and cleaning and it’s unfair.

The other possibility is that you are spending a long time on tasks that aren’t actually necessary or could be shelved while your DH has the toddler. I have to admit this is one of my DHs tricks: he will find something that needs doing and it takes forever and I do feel like a single parent to be honest.

I am sympathetic to you both, it’s hard and hopefully you will find a way through it.

It’s relevant because it doesn't seem like it’s a very time consuming job - milk in bottle - boom job done. Heating it takes seconds too. 💁🏻‍♀️

My ex husband used to say the same about me. Maybe there was something in it though, as I was never a park fan
You are definitely NOT a shit mum.

If he isn’t happy looking after your DC while you do these things he needs to step up and do more around the house.

I am a stay at home mum to 3, including one very clingy baby who doesn’t let me put her down. I find it hard to get much done during the week. I find getting on with household jobs while looking after 3 kids a bit like raking leaves during a tornado. At the weekend DH usually takes them out somewhere so I can get on with everything I’ve not had a chance to do. He has never complained. He would rather spend time with the kids than cleaning, and I would rather get the jobs done than do more looking after the kids so we are both ok with the division of jobs. Obviously it’s not great we don’t get much time during the weekend together but it is how it is right now with very young kids and we make the best of it.

Id have a talk with your DH and see how you can split the tasks more evenly.