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AIBU?

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Original poster

Signed off work

59 replies

misssunshine4040 · 29/05/2023 16:56

AIBU to ask to be signed off work from a job where my role is critical to the running of business and I've only be at 6 months?
I have had the year from hell including having to move myself and kids into temp accommodation to escape domestic violence, moving into new rented property and some other personal issues that have been very stressful to cope with.
I have suffered panic attacks and I over eat to the point I have put on 3 stone.
I am constantly fatigued, drained and have joint pain.
My work take a dim view of those off for me mental health reasons and they have always been managed out and I'm worried my card will be marked.
My role is vital and my team are short staffed as is it and although this is the businesses issue not mine, I feel so guilty about the thought of leaving them a mess.

OP posts:
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BungleandGeorge · 30/05/2023 18:25

Can your teenager help with childcare for the younger one? You can access help through the nhs quicker than 9 months, go see your GP. You can also
usually get employment advice through the nhs talking therapies service. Also think about taking parental leave, it’s unpaid so your employer may be more ositivw about giving you that. I think sick leave is tricky in your situation, if you are too unwell to work though, that’s not much you can do. Your GP can ask for adjustments rather than sick leave , possibly that would help?

Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 30/05/2023 18:21

I make the rota but I have to keep it fair for the rest of the team and make sure we are doing a weekend day each and meeting other peoples requests also. It's a small team and no one to cover a longer absence.

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WoofWoofBeachLife · 30/05/2023 18:12

misssunshine4040 · 30/05/2023 18:07

You are right, there is never anyone to cover etc and it's frowned on to be off with for any reason other than an approved holiday.

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Would they maybe permit you the 2 days off together for maybe a month? Would that help?

Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 30/05/2023 18:07

WoofWoofBeachLife · 30/05/2023 17:56

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are really between a rock and a hard place, if you do go off sick I suspect it will have a huge impact on your mental health with feeling guilty leaving your employer in the shit and also more stress worrying about finances. Hospitality is not an easy job to take holidays from as it is never mind when you need them ASAP.
I don't have any suggestions I'm sorry, the counselling through your employer that someone suggested above sounds good. Hugs xx

You are right, there is never anyone to cover etc and it's frowned on to be off with for any reason other than an approved holiday.

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WoofWoofBeachLife · 30/05/2023 17:56

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are really between a rock and a hard place, if you do go off sick I suspect it will have a huge impact on your mental health with feeling guilty leaving your employer in the shit and also more stress worrying about finances. Hospitality is not an easy job to take holidays from as it is never mind when you need them ASAP.
I don't have any suggestions I'm sorry, the counselling through your employer that someone suggested above sounds good. Hugs xx

yoga4meinthemorning · 30/05/2023 15:17

You can take unpaid parental leave.

Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 30/05/2023 09:18

Tryingtohelp12 · 30/05/2023 08:29

Some companies h (mine does) has leave allowances for those escaping domestic violence. Maybe look into that? I would probably disclose my personal situation to my employer they may be understanding.

I disclosed my situation to my work at the time as I was unsure how it would pan out and if I needed time off to get to the council to secure homeless accommodation etc.
I did get to leave early to do these things and we ended up in a hotel for a month until I found a flat.
They were sympathetic and I just got on with it even though looking back I was suffering massively. This all coincided with other personal issues I was dealing with and it was like one bad thing after another all seemed to happen collectively.

I was a constant ball of anxiety and in tears a lot of the time. I had panic attacks and bad chest pains. These have subsided mostly now and I'm on the other side so to speak but I feel like a numb empty shell now who works, sleeps, overeats and tries to meet my children's needs as best I can.

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Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 30/05/2023 09:12

Landlubber2019 · 30/05/2023 08:22

Can you reduce your hours from ft to 24 and use universal credits to backfill the loss in income? This would at least give you the space to heal and potentially your employer could take on someone else to pick up the hours in a job share?

I get paid well but still need universal credit to help cover my rent as I live in a very high rent city.
Unfortunately cutting my hours down wouldn't be an option as my role needs to be full time and I couldn't afford the pay drop either.
I work in hospitality which has suffered greatly during covid and although hiring is tough, it's not business sense to pay for someone else to pick up my slack.

I just need to get on with it and be grateful I have managed to get a private rented property in this awful housing crisis and have a job.

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peacelemon · 30/05/2023 08:31

nosunshinewhenshesgone · 29/05/2023 22:51

Do you have an Employee Assistance Plan? A lot of employers have one - you could fast-track your way to some private counselling for free.

Good shout!

Tryingtohelp12 · 30/05/2023 08:29

Some companies h (mine does) has leave allowances for those escaping domestic violence. Maybe look into that? I would probably disclose my personal situation to my employer they may be understanding.

Landlubber2019 · 30/05/2023 08:22

Can you reduce your hours from ft to 24 and use universal credits to backfill the loss in income? This would at least give you the space to heal and potentially your employer could take on someone else to pick up the hours in a job share?

Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 30/05/2023 08:14

I have childcare booked to work over summer, the leave I have booked is to cover the dates the after school holiday club doesn't run.
I have been trying to take a day here and there but it doesn't do much in the long term. I usually just sleep most of it and catch up with life admin

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RuddyLaura · 30/05/2023 07:33

I know you say all your leave is booked to cover the holidays, but I would seriously contemplate using some childcare in the summer, or taking unpaid leave, even just a day here and there so you could perhaps take a day a week for a short time now? Or even half a day. And use that as time for you/self care - doing therapeutic things that will help recharge your soul. Get your GP onboard and apply for universal credit if you need to.

Ilovetea42 · 30/05/2023 00:57

I think it really depends on your manager how supportive they'd be given that you're not out due to work related stress compared to personal circumstances. Would they view bereavement etc as grounds to manage someone out for example. If you were going to do anything I'd probably explore flexible working or an adjustment in hours etc first to see if that's possible and if it helps great. I'd also start looking elsewhere because of you're permanent but they'd drop you like a rock when life happens then you've no job security there really.

RuddyLaura · 30/05/2023 00:02

That's what's so underappreciated. It's hard bloody work healing from crap like this, and it takes time to work through it! It's exhausting. And all you get from some sections of society is told you're lazy. People who take the piss and cheat the system have so much to answer for. But you're not one of those and there are employers out there who would be proud to support someone like you, knowing you'll give back tenfold once you're through it. Your whole future is ahead of you, you've got rid of the problem, you just need time to work through this last bit. And you will.

Do you feel like you can get through til the summer? Does that feel at least like a bit of light at the end of the tunnel?

I know you say you have bills but I do wonder if there's anything you can cut back on temporarily to afford to take the time you need. Even credit card/going overdrawn isn't the worst thing in the world, if you know it's temporary and you can increase your earnings again.

Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 29/05/2023 23:21

RuddyLaura · 29/05/2023 23:06

That's loads to carry, and I'm sorry to hear it's such a long wait for counselling. I'm sure there will be helplines you could call, even the Samaritans, on those days when it all feels too much. Can you write? That often can be an effective outlet, just helps to stop it all rattling around in your head.

Lower your expectations during this time and don't beat yourself up for resting in your downtime. You're very right things will improve with time. Probably quicker if you were allowed the time to do the work needed to heal.

I honestly don't know what society expects from people sometimes. If you're off sick, you're a scrounger, but if you work you can't expect any support, or time to heal properly, so recovery is longer. That can't be good for productivity. It's an evil system we live in, where it's a lottery to get an employer that can actually support their staff to the benefit of both.

Thank you that's exactly how I feel. All the talking in the world isn't going to change anything if I have no time to process it.
I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel that keeps spinning and I'm terrified of falling off.
No one is harder on me than me and I would rather just keep pushing on than be thought of as weak or a scrounger.

It's all just too much sometimes

OP posts:
RuddyLaura · 29/05/2023 23:06

That's loads to carry, and I'm sorry to hear it's such a long wait for counselling. I'm sure there will be helplines you could call, even the Samaritans, on those days when it all feels too much. Can you write? That often can be an effective outlet, just helps to stop it all rattling around in your head.

Lower your expectations during this time and don't beat yourself up for resting in your downtime. You're very right things will improve with time. Probably quicker if you were allowed the time to do the work needed to heal.

I honestly don't know what society expects from people sometimes. If you're off sick, you're a scrounger, but if you work you can't expect any support, or time to heal properly, so recovery is longer. That can't be good for productivity. It's an evil system we live in, where it's a lottery to get an employer that can actually support their staff to the benefit of both.

nosunshinewhenshesgone · 29/05/2023 22:51

Do you have an Employee Assistance Plan? A lot of employers have one - you could fast-track your way to some private counselling for free.

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 29/05/2023 22:50

Have you been open with your employer about how you are feeling? I would hope that they would discuss with you what they could do to help you stay in work. Doesn’t need to be permanent adjustments things in the short term to prevent you from going off sick.
you’re on a waiting list for counselling- they should see this as a positive that you have been proactive in getting support- it’s unfortunate that the waiting lists are so long and out of your control. Not everyone can afford to go private.
is any of the stress work related? Whether it is or not they should be referring you to occupational health for professional medical advice on how best they can support you. Any work related stress they should be doing a stress risk assessment with you (look on the health and safety executive website)

Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 29/05/2023 22:36

RuddyLaura · 29/05/2023 22:34

It would also cost them time and money to replace you OP, or to have you off on sick leave for a longer period of time. Be gentle with yourself. Are you having any counselling? Exhaustion can come through carrying around so much of the stress/unprocessed feelings in your head - you need somewhere to offload it.

Yeah I have a massive load to carry and no family nearby at all.
I am currently on a waiting list for counselling which is 9 months at the moment

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RuddyLaura · 29/05/2023 22:34

It would also cost them time and money to replace you OP, or to have you off on sick leave for a longer period of time. Be gentle with yourself. Are you having any counselling? Exhaustion can come through carrying around so much of the stress/unprocessed feelings in your head - you need somewhere to offload it.

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 22:18

Try and make the rest of day to day living as simple as you can. If you iron - just do the essentials. Batch cook a load of lasagne and Chilli so you can just reheat dinner. Little things like 2 in 1 shampoo to make hair washing a bit quicker.

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 22:16

Ok so you enjoy your job, this is a plus. I think if you can just keep plodding through each day until summer holidays. Is there anyone at all who could watch your little one at the weekend? So you can go for a walk and grab a bit of time to yourself?

Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 29/05/2023 21:55

Yes I fully understand that my personal life is not my employer's concern and that I have to be present to do my job.
I think if I asked for "adjustments" it would put more pressure on them and cost them money so it's not in their interests from a business sense.
My child is infant school age and the other is a teenager for those who asked

I just need to get on with it. I don't know how to do self care, make time for myself and heal etc when I'm permanently exhausted and in auto pilot.
I think it will just take time.

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Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 29/05/2023 21:49

@Basilthymerosemary I don't mean I have just general tiredness from life duties etc. I mean I am burnt out and in fight or flight mode 24/7.
I have been through quite a lot of trauma and
I think that the effects are having a toll now the crisis has passed if your like.

I work full time not 2 days a week.

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