AIBU or should DH’s ex back off ?

I found this thread a tad horrifying and I get on with my ex in-laws. I truly thought this type of power play didn't happen to often (maybe naively)

But given so many people are defending this type of weird behaviour as completely normal and ok, it makes me think this type of power play/weirdness happens a lot more frequently.

All the people saying oh just do your own events and dads shit must have missed where op put they arranged a event and the ex then booked on for the same day straight after so that the in-laws felt they couldn't eat at the first event.

It's just so bizarre to me.

The poor dsc, I feel sorry for them tbh to have a mum who uses them as pawns. Grim.

@CruCru
I think it’s treating dad like a leper to be honest…either she gets on with dads side or she doesn’t. Be the bigger person or don’t.

This is a bit weird. I’m not sure that I have any terribly useful suggestions. I know that someone else has said to get in first with your own parties but how early would you need to do that? Inviting people in January to something in March (not a wedding) is also a bit rude - it’s booking them so they can’t make any other plans.

Choosing to have a party that includes her ex brother in law but excludes his brother in the one night he is around is actually a very strange thing to do.

Re the grandparents always doing things with the older children - I wonder whether they’ve done that thing of being massively invested in the first grandchildren (who were born when they were younger) and then becoming a bit jaded. Someone in their 80s may just not have the enthusiasm that they once had (sorry, I can’t remember whether you’ve said their ages).

Honestly, I feel she should be inviting everyone (lol) or no one. It doesn’t really look good to DSC either - everyone can come but not dad, sm or younger kids

The dsc will just be doing what they’ve done their whole lives so they won’t question wether their mum’s invitations look good or not. They will just be having granny and grandad over like they always did, the only difference is that Dad is no longer there.

The DC are missing out because or their parents choice to not bother.

That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. It’s not compulsory for everyone to agree.

It won’t, imo, look remotely odd to the DSC that their mum doesn’t invite their dad and his new wife. They may wonder why their father hadn’t bothered to do it for their siblings, but given that their mother seems to get on well with the family they’re unlikely to think it weird.

I very much doubt they’ll consider it their mothers responsibility to host their younger siblings.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings
So it’s okay for DC to miss out but not DSC.

Honestly, I feel she should be inviting everyone (lol) or no one. It doesn’t really look good to DSC either - everyone can come but not dad, sm or younger kids.

It’s not really a great dynamic for anyone other than the ex.

He could still do celebrations and invite his family the day before or day after or week before or week after.

he and you could have celebrations with your kids, his kids and invite the in laws regardless.

That he has chosen not to is his choice and it’s ridiculous to expect everyone else to stop doing things just because you don’t like it.

No, it's utterly ridiculous to expect the grandparents and families to go to 2 separate occasions with the same grandchildren just to appease the selfish ex. The ex knows fine well what she's doing, it's deliberate.

It would be very odd to invite your ex,his wife and their kids over to your home with your new husband, it's pretty normal to invite people you've known and loved for over a decade and who are related to your dc.

This is utter nonsense. It is absolutely not normal to invite your ex in laws round for every special occasion in the year. Invite them round for an odd coffee or lunch maybe but not to this extent. Anyone on this thread who spends Christmas/ Easter and other special occasions with their ex in laws?

When we organgsied an Easter bbq she then arranged an evening dinner and the In laws came to our bbq but had to not eat too much and leave to get to the next event. It was a cruel move by her ( I felt !)

She's letting you know that her children will always be more important than yours (in her head). She's making absolutely sure that the grandparents are spending all the special occasions with hers.

I think it's outrageous that your DHs parents/family are going along with this. He can't even get to spend time with his own brother because of her invites. What's wrong with DHs family? Why are they not making more effort with their son and grandchildren?

he’s probably not bothering because,

@ineedtrinnyandsusannah The ‘probably’ in my sentence was directly mirroring yours…

There’s not reason for DSC to miss out but she can host events without inviting her ex-in laws.

That would then be the DSC missing out on their grandparents and family.

This isn’t all on DH, none of the younger childrens family has thought about how this will make them feel.

You’re right. It’s on the Op too.

If they’re that bothered then they should organise events themselves. The in-laws came to the one they did. If they organise it on a non-clashing day then no-one will need to rush off. They could even include the DSC…

I’d sack them all off and focus on my own family

Well the OP is absolutely free to do that.

However, if neither she nor the DH are prepared to make the effort then they shouldn’t be surprised, nor complain, if the DSC have the memories of occasions with their grandparents and their children together don’t.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings
They came and rushed off to the ex’s.

There’s not reason for DSC to miss out but she can host events without inviting her ex-in laws.

youre also making assumptions with words like “probably” and “likely”.

This isn’t all on DH, none of the younger childrens family has thought about how this will make them feel.

I’d sack them all off and focus on my own family.

I can relate and it's a horrible feeling OP.

DH's ex has done this for years and it absolutely is a power play. If we organise any kind of event she will organise a much bigger grander one on the same time and suggest to everyone (kids, her ex-inlaws) that they are welcome to choose. She even trumps us on holidays we have already paid for and yes the dates etc will have been agreed.

She has kept the family home until the youngest finishes uni which has much more room than ours so this means everytime DH's family visits us we will be busy getting our place ready with our one spare room plus blow up bed, plus couch pullout until inevitably we will get the call to say it 'makes more sense and will be more comfortable to stay with ex' (always the same words).

It makes DH feel undervalued and sad but he paints on a happy face. Even when his friend (whose wife was friends with his ex) visited from another country arrangements were changed from staying with us to 'makes more sense'.

If things start this way they can continue forever. My brother left his wife two years ago and moved out and I've noticed our mother stays with the ex when she visits. He has a new partner and I feel sorry for her that she's never going to have the right 'status'.

I don't really have much advice except to say I agree it's unfair and weird. I think you'd DH should be clear with his family that it stops the children seeing his home as their family home also. And I think you should make an effort for the special occasions.

She's maintained great relationships with her children's grandparents, she hasn't divorced them to. Totally understandable why her ex and you are not invited. (why would you be?).

Again, no consideration for the younger DC. OP has explained what happened when she did invite DH family over.

It’s not the ex wife’s job to consider the younger dc and on that single occasion that OP invited her in laws we don’t know whose invitation came first. We do know that the in laws accepted the invitation and had a nice time visiting their younger grandchildren in the time that they had. The older grandchildren weren’t invited to this occasion to spend time with their grandparents, presumably because it was during the exs time with them.

Isn’t it better for the grandparents who are in demand by both sets of grandchildren on a single day to split their time between both them rather than tell one set that they can’t see them at all because of the other?

OP has explained what happened when she did invite DH family over.

They came over. Despite already having plans. So they would come round if the OP and her DH planned things…

He probably hasn’t thought of it at all. For either set of his children.

Hence why the grief being aimed at his ex is so out of order. She stepped up because he didn’t (likely she just kept up the wife work side of his children’s relationship with their family).

And again, nobody should be expecting the DSc’s mother to think “oh lazy arse isn’t bothering again so I’ll stop nothing for mine to make it even”.

If the OP wants her children to have occasions then she’ll have to organise them. Taking them away from her step children doesn’t benefit hers at all

@FloweryName
Again, no consideration for the younger DC. OP has explained what happened when she did invite DH family over.

I think people would feel different if it were the ex writing this and it was DH/SM inviting the ex’s family over all the time.

OP is complaining that her DH is left out of seeing his own kids, but maybe the ex would invited him if that didn’t mean she would also have to invite another adult and three more children.

The DH has made his choices here and he’s happy with the consequences, so why is there a problem? It’s nothing to do with OP what her in laws and ex do and if they’re happy with their choices too, the only issue that exists is inside OPs head. She can host parties for her in-laws if she wants to but she doesn’t. It seems all she wants is to stop unrelated other people from enjoying themselves.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings
he’s probably not bothering because, like a lot of people here, he thinks it’s nice for DSC. Not thinking of his younger children, like a lot of people of here. Standard.

Well that’s what happens when you double book people. They were already planning on going to the exes so the logical thing is the Op and her DH organise something on a different day.

It’s not that difficult.

Still ignoring the point that the DH not bothering his arse for years is the cause of this I see… It’s his fault. Not the DSC’s.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings
the time they did both; the family ended up rushing off to get the the ex’s. Again, not great for the DC but as long as DSC are happy who gaf.

I think YABVU. It must be lovely for the children to have their grandparents over and spending time with them and their mum! Don’t spoil a nice thing because you’re jealous. And don’t be so ridiculous - of course it would be really awkward for the mum to have her ex and his new partner over to all her special occasions? Do you constantly invite them to your events?

DH and I see all of our ex in-laws. Our exs are very difficult and so access to grand kids is through us.

BIL wants to see his nieces and nephews so sees ex with whom he's had a very long relationship.

Sorry YABU. Be more organized and more proactive. Invite them to yours when you have the kids.

Ex was in a relationship with your husband for 15 YEARS. You even say that she’s known for the family for 20 years now. You’ve been married to him for four years so you’re quite new to the scene in comparison.

I don’t think the ex is doing anything wrong at all. If their children live with her for the majority of the time, she doesn’t want their lives to change just because she’s no longer with your husband. Presumably they spent a lot of time with the In Laws, Aunts and Uncles whilst together so their mum doesn’t want them to miss out on the interaction. If their kids only stays with their dad twice a week then maybe she wants to ensure that they definitely get to spend time with him on both days as opposed to going on a family tour each week trying to catch up with people.

I’m not sure why you think you and your husband would be invited. Why would she want to socialise with you both when she wants to engage with her old family/children’s family? At the end of the day you married someone who was in a 15 year relationship. Maybe if your DH spoke up and said something to his family they’d ease up a bit? Who knows but I don’t see the problem. It’s not like you never see your In Laws because of her