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AIBU?

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Original poster

Anyone around to pull me through the next hour?

109 replies

Oak99 · 27/05/2023 13:40

Just dropped my 4 year old off at contact centre to see his dad for the second time (first was 2 weeks ago). Lots of domestic violence and courts prevented contact for 4 years due to this. They've now decided contact in a contact centre is OK.

His dad was told to turn up 15 minutes early, which he did. He was then to wait in the room until I dropped son off 15 mins later. This is to prevent us coming into contact. He has told them he needed to nip back to the car and will be back. He's then proceeded to wait in his car for 10 mins until I walked round the corner, got out of the car when he's seen me and gone straight into the contact centre with our son. He looked at him and said 'come on then'. I didn't get to say goodbye and was just left stood outside not knowing what the hell just happened.

Staff came out a couple of minutes later and apologised.

He's trying to intimidate me. This is all going to go wrong. My son is now in the centre without having had a goodbye from his mum. He looked awkward when he went in.

I feel awful that I put my own emotional safety above a goodbye. But I froze and just watched them walk in.

I'm now sat in a park feeling sick.

Is anyone willing to chat this through with me? Am I being dramatic? I don't even know anymore.

OP posts:
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Fraaahnces · 29/05/2023 07:38

I’d be asking for camera footage ASAP!

Blue444 · 28/05/2023 17:51

You have this thread and us as witnesses this time. As others have said. Document it all.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/05/2023 17:38

@Oak99

Well, that sucks! I'd suggest that for 'next time' you make sure that the Contact Centre does specify arrival times beforehand, and notify both of you, preferably in writing.

It wasn't supervised visits, but my BFF's exH was so nasty that their (US) divorce agreement specified that handovers were to be in the lobby of the police station. He had to arrive 15 minutes beforehand, and had to wait 15 minutes after she left the building before he exited. Pretty severe, but nothing else worked. Not even having friends accompany her or handovers in public places.

McKenzieFriend001 · 28/05/2023 14:15

@Lizzt2007 if there were a third party available to do handover CAFCASS would have suggested this as an option, particularly considering they didn't allow contact for four years prior.

Lizzt2007 · 28/05/2023 13:05

McKenzieFriend001 · 28/05/2023 08:18

@Lizzt2007 - because it sounds like OP has already been to court and there's a child arrangements order in place.

You cannot simply just decide one day that you're going to stop contact because of one incident like this (obviously there are far more serious safeguarding incidents by which you would absolutely need to and have reason to stop contact immediately, but this isn't one of them). Court doesn't work like that. If OP doesn't "make her child available" on court ordered dates she could be held in contempt. A pattern of behaviour needs to be evidenced, and the contact centre needs to provide reports.

She can't stop contact but she doesn't have to be the one taking her son to the contact centre.

McKenzieFriend001 · 28/05/2023 12:40

Oak99 · 28/05/2023 08:59

The contact centre are now saying that because they didn't give us the times we are meant to arrive in writing they can't note it as Intimidation and will put it down as a mistake. I honestly give up.

How is this contact arrangement written in the CAO?

TickingKey46 · 28/05/2023 12:38

It's very early days. It's only the second time in the contact centre. You really need to play the long game!
It's clear he has a different agenda, write a note in your diary of the incident.
Honestly give him enough rope and he will hang himself.
He won't be able to keep the pretence up!
As I've said my kids saw their father in a contact centre and he did something similar.
Hold your nerve and keep on going. If your very scared maybe make different arrangements with the contact centre. I had to do this as my ex husband was saying he may not turn up, but wouldn't confirm either way! I informed the contact centre manager and we had an agreement she would contact me if he turned up.

HappyasLarrynot · 28/05/2023 10:36

@katmarie has said it exactly as I would have.

The contact centre have fcuked up and are covering their own backs. Get it all down on paper/email and sent it to whoever needs to know. Don’t let them convince you not to do this - do it now if you haven’t already. X

CuriousMama · 28/05/2023 10:28

@Oak99 that's disgusting. I'd be taking this further. Please don't give up.

katmarie · 28/05/2023 09:11

Don't give up. I know you've probably been down a long hard road with this already. But he is giving you the tools to bury him with here. This is what I think you should do:

Regardless of what the contact centre says, you can write to them, and set out in minute detail what was agreed regarding arrival and handover. It doesn't matter if it was verbal, just write down what you were told to do, what you were told he would be advised to do, and who told you. Record when that was told to you, by what method. Every little detail. If it's true, it can't be disputed. Ok so it wasn't in writing. But you were told, and so you acted on what you were told. He didn't.

Record exactly what happened at handover, and why it was unacceptable.

Record exactly what the response was of the member of staff at the time, and who that was.

Finally get on record what you want to happen next. He needs it put in writing what acceptable drop off arrangements are. You need an acknowledgement that this will not happen again in the future, and an understanding of what the contact centre will do in order to facilitate your safe handover. And insist that your letter is added to the contact centre record for your child. If you can, also send a copy to the court, directly or via your solicitor if you have one.

You're going to have to be the squeaky wheel, keep recording every single incident and issue in meticulous detail. Courts can't act without evidence. But if he's going to behave like a shit and hand you that evidence, then use it to your child's best advantage.

You're going to need to find some strength to negotiate this part of your life. But you've made it this far. Keep going.

Original poster
Oak99 · 28/05/2023 08:59

The contact centre are now saying that because they didn't give us the times we are meant to arrive in writing they can't note it as Intimidation and will put it down as a mistake. I honestly give up.

OP posts:
BackAgainstWall · 28/05/2023 08:46

It’s very obvious this is noted by the centre/you.

It was premeditated and manipulated.

If things should escalate you need everything written down/noted, so that the full measure of the man can be seen and then the correct view taken.

McKenzieFriend001 · 28/05/2023 08:18

@Lizzt2007 - because it sounds like OP has already been to court and there's a child arrangements order in place.

You cannot simply just decide one day that you're going to stop contact because of one incident like this (obviously there are far more serious safeguarding incidents by which you would absolutely need to and have reason to stop contact immediately, but this isn't one of them). Court doesn't work like that. If OP doesn't "make her child available" on court ordered dates she could be held in contempt. A pattern of behaviour needs to be evidenced, and the contact centre needs to provide reports.

Lizzt2007 · 27/05/2023 23:36

Nat6999 · 27/05/2023 17:37

I would say keep on turning up, let him harass you, the more he does it, the less chance of unsupervised (or any) contact in the future. Make sure that every incident is documented for when you return to court.

Show quote history

Op is feeling scared and intimidated! Why on earth would you suggest that she keeps putting herself in that position!

Ap42 · 27/05/2023 19:21

He's not exactly followed the rules of the contact centre, I would check if this is grounds to stop contact. Having been through all of this, it sounds as though he's using your son as a pawn in a game. Hope your OK x

DeflatedAgain · 27/05/2023 19:16

Hopefully it'll be on CCTV. He sounds like a nasty man.

Hope you're okay and hope DS is well. X

2bazookas · 27/05/2023 19:05

Write it down, give a signed copy to the contact centre and say you want it logged. It's evidence of your ex breaching the no-contct order; and also that he failed to put the needs of the child first. A 4 yr old needs a proper changeover procedure, goodby to main care parent, hello to the virtual stranger father he's not seen for years, , and the clear assurance of what's about to happen to him ( I'm going to play with dad for a bit then I go home with Mum".)

If Ex keeps that up he's likely to lose use of the contact centre and have no meetings with his son.

RedRosette2023 · 27/05/2023 18:50

OP I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. It must be absolutely heartbreaking to have to allow contact with this man.

McKenzieFriend001 · 27/05/2023 18:45

How many times / how often is the contact centre ordered? Are you due back in court for a directions hearing after a certain amount of time to review how it's gone, and comment on any reports provided by the contact centre staff? What's the stepped progression?

smooththecat · 27/05/2023 18:42

Can you negotiate a system where they discreetly call you when he’s confirmed inside and waiting? He mustn’t know about it though. This sounds like part of coercive control, these little things are important to document, as others have said.

Heartsnrainbows · 27/05/2023 18:39

Is he stupid? Does he think that his little power play would go unnoticed by the supervisor? It will be documented and it will not be looked on kindly.

TrishTrix · 27/05/2023 18:35

Sorry this happened OP.

Don't want to stress you out but are there wider safety concerns with this e.g did he know your car registration number prior to today? Did waiting in the car enable him to see it?

I agree with others - put it in an email to contact centre and state how disappointed you were that he was allowed to come into contact with you

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 27/05/2023 18:31

Give a man enough rope op. . Biding your time and making sure you stick to the rules will pay off ime.

clareykb · 27/05/2023 17:56

When I was training to be a social worker I supervised contact at contact centres a lot. The staff will notice and record. They have to record his arrival, any incidents etc so it will all be logged and not looked on favourably
. Sending you big hugs x

ultimatepushyparent · 27/05/2023 17:55

Aww you poor thing! Must be really difficult. However, don't worry about the impact on your son. He'll be fine and will love you no matter whether you say goodbye before he goes with Dad or not. Don't make a big deal of the effect on him. However, you do need to take care of yourself! No you're not being dramatic. Just complain to the centre and make them promise this can't happen again.