Children's parties!

UsingChangeofName · 27/05/2023 16:58

I also make sure that invites are reciprocated

So, by applying this logic, the folk with September birthdays get to dictate who gets invited to parties ?
You are saying that if my September born dc has invited your to their party, you will make sure they get an invitation to your dc's party, possibly to the exclusion of a friend who might have a July / August birthday because you are keeping count of where your dc has been ?

Of course YABU.
It is your dc's birthday. You let them know how many they can invite, and they choose who those people are.

Puppers · 27/05/2023 16:02

I don't think it's immature to be conflicted over this. I feel the same about it because I don't want to see my kids overinvested in friendships that aren't reciprocated. That's just being a loving parent 🤷‍♀️

However, each year I come to the conclusion that the kids should just invite who they want (pretty much - I really do try and discourage the ones I know are unkind to them on a regular basis). There's no way of knowing why your child wasn't invited to another child's party. It's possible that the decision was taken out of their hands. Or that they weren't playing with your child so much at the time their party came around. Friendships change so much at primary school.

Eleganz · 27/05/2023 15:51

They way I have worked it is that if there is no limit on attendees the kids can invite who they like regardless of whether they have been invited to their parties or not. However if there are limits for a particular party I will strongly suggest to the child that they do prioritise children who they are good friends with and have been or will be invited to their parties on the grounds that it is only fair to invite those children that have invited you to their parties otherwise they may feel left out.

It has not yet started party wars or caused any ill feeling.

Fandabedodgy · 27/05/2023 15:45

Having a party at home doesn't mean there no limits on numbers

redskylight · 27/05/2023 15:39

forrestgreen · 27/05/2023 09:42

I'd help my kids write their list in an order
Everyone who invited you to their party, as that's polite
Other children you'd like to be there to get up the number

That way the solid friendships are there together with others they'd like to improve.

Please don't prioritise people just because they invited DD to their party. That discriminates against the ones who couldn't/didn't have a party for whatever reason. And why should a child whose parents could afford the big party get more invites as a result?

redskylight · 27/05/2023 15:37

Let your child invite who she wants.

I do find it useful to write out the initial list and then review it a week later - then you catch the "fell out with best friend that day so they didn't make the list, but were reconciled very quickly" type scenarios.

TheSnowyOwl · 27/05/2023 15:36

I think the reality is that often friendships change at primary and when it’s one child’s birthday, they could be really close but not half a year later when it’s the next child’s birthday.

I also think it can sting more and for longer for the parents than the child who has missed out on an invite. I would let her invite who she wanted. I hope she has a fun party.

PrinceHaz · 27/05/2023 15:34

I wouldn’t get into thinking about who has and hasn’t invited her to their parties.
I’d just go with the rule of either inviting friends or every girl in the class.

MeinKraft · 27/05/2023 15:33

Don't forget that some kids have loads of siblings and cousins, their parties might be almost full before they even get round to inviting friends from school.

Original poster

LookingforMaryPoppins · 27/05/2023 15:32

forrestgreen · 27/05/2023 09:42

I'd help my kids write their list in an order
Everyone who invited you to their party, as that's polite
Other children you'd like to be there to get up the number

That way the solid friendships are there together with others they'd like to improve.

That's a good idea, I like that.

I also make sure that invites are reciprocated - I suspect this is the reason why I have a head / heart scenario, clearly not everyone does this.

OP posts:

Original poster

LookingforMaryPoppins · 27/05/2023 15:23

SparklyBlackKitten · 27/05/2023 07:45

You sound immature
Just invite who your dd wants

Absolutely! Such an immature trait to realise your head and heart are in conflict and ask advice.

I wouldn't be so immature as to post how you come across.

OP posts:

Marsyas · 27/05/2023 10:06

An “at home” party absolutely has a limit on numbers, and if you invite “one more” then there are often a whole loads of others that need to come too - invite Ruby, and Sarah and Grace are going to wonder why they aren’t invited as they are in the same gym class, then invite Grace and Lucy and Gabriella have to come too, because they all go to swimming together etc etc etc.

LuvSmallDogs · 27/05/2023 10:04

I've always viewed my children's parties as something we are doing for them. So they invite who they want, and unlike I have seen on some MN threads, I do not expect any gifts to "cover the cost of the guest".

Myotherusernameisonholiday · 27/05/2023 10:01

It's tricky OP, I have done whole class parties and smaller ones, with the smaller ones I do assist DC with who they want to invite, go through the list of classmates and if they don't chose a child who has invited them to their party I will always add them, and tell DC why.

We had a situation recently where if I'd have invited a child (who didn't invite DC to their party that took place the weekend before) I'd have gone into the next bracket of numbers so it would have been £90 more as would have required another adult leader, so I didn't.

I make sure we don't leave a small group out, so will eg invite half the class, or all the girls, so there's a big enough group not going.

I do find the DC care less than I do if they are not invited tbf!

forrestgreen · 27/05/2023 09:42

I'd help my kids write their list in an order
Everyone who invited you to their party, as that's polite
Other children you'd like to be there to get up the number

That way the solid friendships are there together with others they'd like to improve.

ReachForTheMars · 27/05/2023 09:23

A party at home absolutely has a limit on numbers!! Have you ever hosted a party at home!? I hosted a christmas party at home once and had 12 kids plus both parents...in a typical 3 bedroom terraced house!! Another 2 people and noone would have been able to move!

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 27/05/2023 09:18

Having a party at home doesn't mean there is no limit on numbers

misskatamari · 27/05/2023 09:15

YABU. I would probably feel the same as you, but remember, these are your feelings not your daughters. I know I would have loads of crap in the background influencing my feelings on this (past wounds and feelings of being left out as a child etc). So, it can sting when you're in this situation. But don't make that your daughters problem. She has friends she wants to invite, you can accommodate that. It's that simple. Stop second guessing other parents motives and intents. You don't know why your daughter wasn't invited, and you can drive yourself potty assigning reasoning to it. More than likely, there was no ill will behind it, and it was just one of those things. With an at home party, parents often limit numbers (I know i have when we have parties, as it's so stressful and hectic).

Try to move past the negatives, and throw your daughter a lovely party, with her friends, that makes her happy. You can only control your own actions and your own responses to things, so try not to give headspace to these other people and their actions. Focus on giving your daughter a fab day

Original poster

LookingforMaryPoppins · 27/05/2023 08:41

Sirzy · 27/05/2023 08:22

But how many “one mores” do you let them add?

having a limit and not going over that - even for your child - isn’t a bad thing.

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I would use my discretion. I know the children she plays with, and who she doesn't.

Last year we were "limited" to 100 children at the venue, I suggested she invited her year group which is common at that age - she was very certain she didn't want to, she only wanted her friends - the children she plays with.

I have never mandated set numbers on any of my children other than where a third party provider does - none of them have taken advantage of this and when writing their invite lists have simply written the names of the children they are friends with.

I do sanity check the lists to ensure there isn't anyone left out that shouldn't be but with three children it's always been fine.

It may be material that their primary school is very small, whilst they all have friends outside of school invites tend to be school friends.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 27/05/2023 08:22

LookingforMaryPoppins · 27/05/2023 08:11

Unlimited as in there is nothing official preventing one additional child being invited - rather than the scenario where a party is booked elsewhere and they have a rule on numbers.

We have had parties at home and I agree, it's hell - whilst I wouldn't permit unlimited invites, I certainly wouldn't forbid one more child than the number I had in mind, particularly when it's a child that I know my daughter plays with.

Show quote history

But how many “one mores” do you let them add?

having a limit and not going over that - even for your child - isn’t a bad thing.

Original poster

LookingforMaryPoppins · 27/05/2023 08:11

Brendabigbaps · 27/05/2023 07:52

Why does having a party at home mean the numbers can be unlimited!
surely this would mean numbers were limited!
my daughter had a home party one year, 9 kids, it was hell! More kids? Fuck no!
When she asked for a home party the following year the answer was no (in a nice let’s do this instead way)

Show quote history

Unlimited as in there is nothing official preventing one additional child being invited - rather than the scenario where a party is booked elsewhere and they have a rule on numbers.

We have had parties at home and I agree, it's hell - whilst I wouldn't permit unlimited invites, I certainly wouldn't forbid one more child than the number I had in mind, particularly when it's a child that I know my daughter plays with.

OP posts:

Justalittlebitduckling · 27/05/2023 08:09

Maybe they will now invite her next time? I think it’s better to try and instigate a possible upward spiral than further a downward one?

Brendabigbaps · 27/05/2023 07:52

LookingforMaryPoppins · 26/05/2023 06:55

DD wrote a list of who she would like to invite, included "friends" who I know have recently had reasonable sized parties and not invited DD (and didn't invite her last year either). Whilst my head tells me it's her party, she should invite who she wants and not to get involved, one child in particular apparantly told my DD that she wanted to invite her but couldn't as there were not enough places - I know she had a party at home so no limit on numbers. My heart is saying that she shouldn't waste her invites on "friends" that clearly are not friends.

AIBU to encourage her to exclude those that exclude her?

Why does having a party at home mean the numbers can be unlimited!
surely this would mean numbers were limited!
my daughter had a home party one year, 9 kids, it was hell! More kids? Fuck no!
When she asked for a home party the following year the answer was no (in a nice let’s do this instead way)

Smartiepants79 · 27/05/2023 07:48

I had my kids parties at home.
I had definite limit on numbers! There’s only so many 7 year olds I can squeeze into my house. Not to mention costs….

Sirzy · 27/05/2023 07:47

You want to encourage your child to exclude others? That’s never a good idea.

tell her how many children she can invite then let her decide who