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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be devastated

211 replies

Bagpuss2022 · 25/05/2023 16:46

I know it sounds melodramatic and I have actually cried over this.
my DH had a day off on Monday he sorted out our unit in the living room. He didn’t tell me he was doing this by the way or would of told him what not to chuck.
He's gone and thrown away a A3 folder of all the kids special bits from school you know the kind the nursery ones with the handprints and that poem. There first mothers days cards y6 leaving certificates with photos on etc. I am ruthless and only ever keep the very special bits
we have 3 Dc oldest 22 youngest 13 so it’s not like I’m going to get anything like that again.
He said he thought it was just junk I know
he's not as sentimental as me but come on he could of least checked with me.
He thinks I’m being silly and is now in a mood with me

OP posts:
finallygotospeaktoSky · 25/05/2023 19:30

Memories are more important than material things?? I've nursed plenty of elderly people with dementia who can't remember what they have had for breakfast let alone what happened last week.
A photograph for example can trigger all sorts of memories of happy times when promped.

AnonyMenOhPee · 25/05/2023 19:25

Chuck away or at least hide his bags. When he notices they’re gone pretend to help him look for them.

what a knobhead he is

AnonyMenOhPee · 25/05/2023 19:24

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Calm the fuck down dear

PosseGalore · 25/05/2023 19:24

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I actually think that is quite terrible.

MuffinToSeeHere · 25/05/2023 19:21

Gillbil · 25/05/2023 19:18

He's had that in the house for at least 10 years- he knew what it was, and has been wanting to get rid of it.

Throw away is sentimental crap that means nothing to you, and see his reaction

This is what I think. I'm sceptical of all those thinking it was accidental. The folder isn't new it's been there ages and he didn't look inside it to check as he already knew what it was before throwing it out. That's why he waited to clean the cupboard out whilst you were at work and didn't tell you what he was doing. It was all very well calculated.

Gillbil · 25/05/2023 19:18

He's had that in the house for at least 10 years- he knew what it was, and has been wanting to get rid of it.

Throw away is sentimental crap that means nothing to you, and see his reaction

MrsDSalvatore · 25/05/2023 19:17

EbonyRaven · 25/05/2023 19:10

This. ^ Any anyone minimising it with 'but it's just STUFF' is being very unreasonable.

I agree..to me it's not just stuff..its nostalgia, its lovely memories of their childhood. The same way a certain smell or song can instantly transport you back to a special memory..I'd be so upset. I have big memory boxes from my childhood and have made the same for my kids for when they're older

readbooksdrinktea · 25/05/2023 19:15

mainsfed · 25/05/2023 17:37

He keeps old carrier bags from his football team shop I think they are junk and stupid keeping but would never get rid as they obviously important to him.

Go and chuck them now. And when he gets upset, get in a mood with him because it's just junk.

You don't have to be the mature one.

I'd probably do this tbh. He's being a dick. He should have asked.

raincamepouringdown · 25/05/2023 19:14

I'd be shredding his carrier bags about now...

musixa · 25/05/2023 19:13

When I was a teenager I had a locked box containing sentimental letters and photos (back in pre-digital days when photos were rarer). It was stolen in a burglary - they obviously thought it contained cash Sad.

The sorrow of losing these precious things will recede in time. My only advice is along the lines of imagine how you would feel if you'd lost even more - I asked myself back then how I'd have felt if there'd been a fire and I'd lost everything, not just one box, and that did help me gain some perspective.

EbonyRaven · 25/05/2023 19:10

This all reminds me of when my mum was ill some years ago (she had had an operation, and was offline for several months,) when I was a child. A couple of neighbours came a few times. to help tidy the house/do chores.

No idea why, but they took it upon themselves to clean out the spare room. It was NOTHING to do with them, and it made me cross that they were poking about in there.

When I came home from school one day, I discovered that they had thrown out half of my old childhood toys and games and dolls, and got them taken to the council tip. I was devastated, and couldn't get them back.

As soon as ebay became a thing some quarter of a century later, I started to source the things that had been thrown/binned, and managed to get about 80% of them back, from sellers that sold old retro things. To them it was just 'junk...' To ME it was my childhood. Thankfully, I had all of my late pop music and film idol stuff in my (locked) bedroom, where they couldn't get their filthy paws on it! So I still had all that (and still do!)

How nasty and thoughtless to throw away peoples treasured possessions like this, especially that of a child - like I was, (and the possessions of a mother that she saved from her childrens childhoods.)

I never forgave those 2 women, and I would never forgive my DH if he had ever done anything like this.

EbonyRaven · 25/05/2023 19:10

MrsDSalvatore · 25/05/2023 19:08

Ahh sorry he has done that op. That would really upset me too.
We've just had our first family holiday and I've come home and accidentally deleted all our holiday pictures. I have done everything to try and get them back and can't..I'm gutted.

I know to some people things like this might seem like a silly thing to be upset about, but I get it. Those things are really important to some people 💞 YADNBU

This. ^ Any anyone minimising it with 'but it's just STUFF' is being very unreasonable.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 25/05/2023 19:09

I would be raging. His football crap would definitely be in next week's bin too.

MrsDSalvatore · 25/05/2023 19:08

Ahh sorry he has done that op. That would really upset me too.
We've just had our first family holiday and I've come home and accidentally deleted all our holiday pictures. I have done everything to try and get them back and can't..I'm gutted.

I know to some people things like this might seem like a silly thing to be upset about, but I get it. Those things are really important to some people 💞 YADNBU

ReformedWaywardTeen · 25/05/2023 19:07

What an utter knob.

Just why would he?

I have two folders of things and DH knows I'd murder him if he chucked them.

EbonyRaven · 25/05/2023 19:06

gogohmm · 25/05/2023 19:05

See I wouldn't have kept them, just clutter to me. Only things I have are exam certificates

Not exactly helping the OP that is it?

gogohmm · 25/05/2023 19:05

See I wouldn't have kept them, just clutter to me. Only things I have are exam certificates

grumpycow1 · 25/05/2023 19:04

sheldonia · 25/05/2023 18:48

I don't really get this. Memories are what you have in yourself, they aren't bits of paper and cheesy poems with smudgy handprints. No memories are erased by getting rid of the paper.

Still, if OP wanted it he should not have chucked it out. Although if she knew he was clearing out the press, she should have moved it or mentioned it at least.

It doesn’t matter what it was though and whether we’d be sentimental over this particular thing. We all have something we’d like to keep. And if you take the care to put it away in a folder then your OH shouldn’t bin it without checking. It’s a lack of care and respect for your partner.

EbonyRaven · 25/05/2023 19:03

Good grief @sheldonia Overreaction much?! Having a bad day are you? Confused

If you're going to put comments like 'memories are in your head NOT in physical things' and pass it off as a fact and not an OPINION which it is (and a rude one at that!) then you must expect to be challenged! Now calm down. You'll give yourself a nosebleed.

NorthORSouthThatsTheQN · 25/05/2023 19:01

I would be beyond angry! I’m extremely sentimental, so I feel for you. My DH isn’t sentimental but I even discovered he has a little box of drawings that he has been storing. I can’t understand how your DH could consider it junk and throw it away.

Dunnoburt · 25/05/2023 19:00

YANBU!!!!!!!! I'd be sending him a hunting in the dump!!!! Poor you xxx

sheldonia · 25/05/2023 19:00

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NumberTheory · 25/05/2023 18:59

sheldonia · 25/05/2023 18:48

I don't really get this. Memories are what you have in yourself, they aren't bits of paper and cheesy poems with smudgy handprints. No memories are erased by getting rid of the paper.

Still, if OP wanted it he should not have chucked it out. Although if she knew he was clearing out the press, she should have moved it or mentioned it at least.

Physical objects and other manifestations (images, sounds, odours, etc.) associated with memories are strong hooks that prompt recall and help people keep memories strong.

KetoQueen · 25/05/2023 18:58

Years ago, when they were a novelty, My husband threw our iPad out in a pile of recycling 😱

EbonyRaven · 25/05/2023 18:56

@sheldonia

I don't really get this. Memories are what you have in yourself, they aren't bits of paper and cheesy poems with smudgy handprints. No memories are erased by getting rid of the paper.

What a really thoughtless, narrow-minded, and ignorant post! Hmm It is NOT just 'bits of paper and cheesy poems and smudgy handprints.' What a heartless comment.