To be devastated

DS1 has a life limiting condition and although he’s thriving now we don’t know what the future holds.

I'm not surprised that you're pissed off with your husband. Call up the people responsible for your recycling. And bin your "D"H's stupid mass-produced carrier bags.

Here is the bottom line...I know you treasured those things. HOWEVER..there is a 99% chance that when you die, the kids would have chucked those folders themselves. I had folders like that for each of my sons, and when I presented them to them on their marriages, they laughed, kept their birth certificates, and tossed the rest. So much for "precious memories," and...guess what? I STILL had those memories. I did not need the items.

@Bagpuss2022 did you contact the recycling centre?

I really hope everything can be retrieved 🤞🏼

not unreasonable!! My partner threw out our sons first curl I was devastated. Cut his hair the day before bin day and it went in the bin! I didn’t notice til after the bins had been taken. He was also devastated when he seen how upset I was and apologised massively! It was in an envelope I couldn’t find a pen to write on it yet so I put it on the side. I quickly cut his last remaining curl off (cried) and popped it straight in the memory box. My OH now checks absolutely everything with me before binning 🤣

i am so sorry OP this is devastating and would really upset me too.

my mum crocheted me a baby blanket when my first was born and it took her months and it was so sentimental to me and he put it in a hot wash and felted. I was so upset and my mum made me another one for second and he took a while coming so it was a adult size blanket one with merino silk wool blend - took her 2 years to make and cost £££ in balls of wool, he used it on pram and got it a little dirty so threw it in wash again and destroyed it and I said why would you do that again after first one and he said Meh was no use dirty anyway, but yeah my bad 🤷‍♂️

so like I said, we are divorced now

This is absolutely ridiculous, I'd be livid in this situation. Those items weren't his to throw out without your consent and he should be aware that you place sentimental value on them. I'm totally with you here

You’re a better person than me because I would have chucked them by now so he understands what he’s done.

I would have gone absolutely ballistic if mine had done this.

He's in a mood with you? That's rich! I would be very naffed off with him, and he'd know about it! I would tell him to get them back if possible (assuming he hasn't burnt or shredded them).

As a mum with only one DC, who was conceived after fertility issues, and was born with multiple disorders after both a long and difficult pregnancy & birth, I keep this sort of sentimental stuff. It reminds both me and my DC how far DC has come. If someone did this to me, yes I'd be devastated. Actually devastated. I once had a hard drive with lots of photos and vids of my DC that overheated and I lost everything on it. I was devastated then.

I was also brought up in a pretty unhappy home and good memories were thin on the ground. After a redundancy my father got a healthy pay out and we went on a lifetime trip. I kept so many little souvenirs from that trip and made a scrapbook when we returned home. I was only 12 at the time, but loved looking back at my scrapbook whenever I felt low. When my parents divorced 2 years later, DM was so bitter she threw away my scrapbook of that trip. As far as she was concerned, it was just junk and why would I want to be reminded of this trip when we weren't a family any more. She delighted in telling me she'd always thought my scrapbook was silly and enjoyed finally chucking it out. I was devastated then.

Nobody should get to decide what is and isn't sentimental to another person and just throw it all out, because to them its just 'bits of paper and stuff!".

OP I'm so sorry to hear this. Your DP should be ashamed, not adding insult to injury by dismissing your heartache.

I had this sort of thing happening before we even had children, less than a month after our wedding, our marriage certificate, was thrown out, then all my gce and A level certificates went and all my folder of art work from college was chucked. I honestly thought these events were by accident, but his behaviour later in our marriage made me realise that he was just a mean bastard, trying to hurt me.

Can you ask parents of their friends and relatives if they have any nice photos.. or memories? Would you still have any on your phones ( mine go back to Primary school) or camera memory cards.
I had some baby toys, the ones they were particularly fond of and that I remembered them playing with, that accidentally met the same fate and I was so upset.
I managed to get one each of a similar thing. Its not the same but I now have a new memory chatting to them about it and asking them what they remembered and I think they liked it.
It won't be the same, but you can rebuild some memories. And keep a copy in an online cloud storage so no one can throw away again. And start some new photos, and memories with them. Sounds like you need a nice evening out together all taking lots of photos.
We found an early audio of youngest in an old computer file, singing a poignant little song. Might be something lurking in old email accounts - you never know. Good luck.

I had a small box in the loft, which holds keepsakes, letters, a few photos, children's drawings etc, but also the letters, cards, and messages from when one of our children died. Itvwas only now, years later, I was able to reread, and found a lot of comfort, If anyonehad destroyed them I'd also have been devastated. And ephemera, photos, etc are important for people with dementia.

He is utterly thoughtless🤬

yanbu
it doesn’t matter what it was , if it’s sentimental to you then you have every right to be upset.

fact that he’s in a mood with you is ridiculous

This! I'd be upset at the former but if he understood he'd made a mistake and apologised then I'd get over my disappointment soon enough and that would be the end of it. But to not even apologise, and he's actually in a mood with op, I'd be fuming!

Just to point out that none of that disagrees with the fact that memory is actually definitively the thing you hold in your mind though, so pp wasn't wrong.

Of course things can trigger and reawaken memories, so you're correct on that part of it. You're wrong however that "your brain will never give it to you without a trigger", because random memories can and are recalled without such stimuli.

So part wrong, part right.

Everyone is different. People have different ways of remembering things, some people are much more into keepsakes, and thats cool. If they're important to OP, they are important.

I love how @sheldonia is totally wrong in her 'facts' about memory anyway. I'm sure other people have verified but I got derailed at her little tantrum. I have to know and do memory science research for my job, so anyone interested in the real science:

Memories are stored, but gradually fade and become more difficult to access as the neurological pathways leading to the memory get weaker if they're not recalled regularly. It's kind of like an actual path that no one walks anymore and becomes overgrown and inaccessible.

When you have an object, smell, location that is associated with just that memory, it's like a bulldozer clearing the path and allowing you full, easy, instant access again. Objects like the ones OP lost are the absolute strongest triggers that give access to the 'whole' memory again because of the powerful emotions attached to the object and the memory. The research on Flashbulb Memories and the developments since then support this.

So it's all very well saying, memories are in your head, what's the problem. But these objects allow you to relieve the memory as if it was happening again when you haven't seen them for a long time. You feel the same pride, joy, whatever, and it then can trigger other memories of that day.

The things OP lost are like time capsules. They're precious.

Not to mention that, due to the efficiency of our brains, we don't randomly recall past events unless they're directly relevant to the situation at hand. So while you might 'have' the memory in your head, your brain will never give it to you without a trigger. That could be someone saying, 'do you remember when DC made handprints at nursery' or you thinking about other DC 'firsts'.

In any case, if you're the sentimental switched-on type, you'll actively enjoy clearing that path with the bulldozer and relieving those moments again. Just because someone else doesn't 'get it', your DH or posters here don't get to dismiss your very valid feelings at having lost them. I'm very sorry

@Bagpuss2022 dear Bagpuss (I used to love watching this programme!)

He said he thought it was just junk I know he's not as sentimental as me but come on he could of least checked with me.He thinks I’m being silly and is now in a mood with me.

What a shame he didn't put himself in YOUR place and think you'd like to keep those physical memories. He's known you for long enough, after all... 🌹

My parents threw out every single dance statue and trophy I had gotten from the age of 5 upwards to 21. They were beautiful as well, I could not earn any more as I had done them all. Having the perfect house and how it looked to their friends was more important than my trophies. She never even asked me, she took them all to the skip. Still furious now nearly 30 years later. I absolutely understand why you are upset OP.

Oh be quiet

The memories being more important than things comment is supposed to be a consolation. No good is going to come from dwelling on something that’s lost.

Obviously for people with dementia circumstances are very different.

And what about memory boxes that bereavement midwives take great care to put together tangible keepsakes of a stillborn baby or one who died shortly after birth? These parents have very few memories to actually remember. They won’t get any more hand or footprints or any other pictures, or a lock of hair, to look at and have as proof that that little being existed and that they will always be their parent. If memories were more important than objects, the prints, pictures, clothing, toys etc inside these boxes wouldn’t be important would they?

And yes, people with dementia, brain injuries and other cognitive difficulties - Pictures, postcards, drawings and other items that have other meaning for that person make a difference to their lives.

Memories don’t always stay within our heads. Sometimes there are very few memories of lives that have been cut short. Some things are more than just some things .

Lets not do the whats wrong with men thing. There's lots of women who would throw that stuff out.

Many of us don't associate memories with things. They're just things. But there's no wrong or right here, everyone is different.

I’d be so mad. What does he say when you compare it to throwing his football junk out?

Yannnnnbu . Any time dh decides to go cleaning I hide all ‘memories’ away. Wtf is wrong with men ? (Ironically from a woman whose mother gave away/threw out waaaayyyy too much of her childhood!!)

He wasn’t keeping it - she was. You don’t just chuck things away without checking with the other person. It wasn’t a load of junk mail