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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated

211 replies

Bagpuss2022 · 25/05/2023 16:46

I know it sounds melodramatic and I have actually cried over this.
my DH had a day off on Monday he sorted out our unit in the living room. He didn’t tell me he was doing this by the way or would of told him what not to chuck.
He's gone and thrown away a A3 folder of all the kids special bits from school you know the kind the nursery ones with the handprints and that poem. There first mothers days cards y6 leaving certificates with photos on etc. I am ruthless and only ever keep the very special bits
we have 3 Dc oldest 22 youngest 13 so it’s not like I’m going to get anything like that again.
He said he thought it was just junk I know
he's not as sentimental as me but come on he could of least checked with me.
He thinks I’m being silly and is now in a mood with me

OP posts:
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Stewball01 · 04/06/2023 14:47

Yeah. Put him in the bin.
That would never happen here. Nothing gets chucked. I think of my poor children going through the stuff after I've gone.

Manthide · 30/05/2023 21:49

I'd be so upset. Dh has 'sorted' stuff while I've been away before but hadn't mentioned anything so months later I'd be looking for something and I haven't been able to find it. I went berserk and he hasn't done it again but I'm still wary when I go away. He has loads of 'rubbish' that he hasn't looked at for years and I've told him if he wants to sort stuff out he should start with his! I'd never throw anything of his away without asking first and I expect the same respect from him.

HappyBinosaur · 30/05/2023 06:40

My mum threw away all my childhood stuff, school papers and things I’d made, when I was at university. I was really upset and angry and 20 years later it still makes me sad sometimes that I don’t have any school reports or anything I made as a child or my first ballet shoes.

The reason I’m still sad after all this time is that my mum didn’t seem to give a shit about my feelings and came up with an excuse to defend herself. They were in a cupboard and took up very little space - if she’d apologised then my upset and anger wouldn’t have lasted so long.

I have gone the other way and kept far too much of my dc’s things! I do have a clear out every now and then and my dh knows never to touch those boxes!!

Gmary22 · 29/05/2023 23:50

I'm sorry but he sounds like an absolute d*ck. You should give him a taste of his own medicine and throw his football shop bags out, or maybe just pretend you have to make him sweat, see how he likes it.

Netty89 · 29/05/2023 07:44

I am petty enough that i would hide his bag collection, wait for him to realise theyre not there, then say they were just junk i chucked them. Then say i have no idea why you are upset over that old junk, andhi will not speak to you until you stop being upset about it.
Idbonly give them back once i got my point across and he apologised sincerely, or we divorced as hes clearly a sociopath if he genuinely feels no remorse.

T1Dmama · 29/05/2023 01:08

Great update x a photo book sounds like a fab idea x

m of course he didn’t do it deliberately, I’m also sure his reaction was anger and frustration at himself…. I get defensive when I mess up and react angrily, apologise later and feel awful, but my anger is with myself but it doesn’t come out that way always.

Hopefully he’ll ask in future… a good lesson learnt

AuntMarch · 28/05/2023 23:33

I'm not fussed about things like this, but I Still think your OH is being a bit of a dick.

Firstly, given the ages of your children now, did it not cross his mind that they'd probably been kept that long because you actually wanted to keep them?
Secondly, he doesn't get to tell you what you can be upset about.

Kattitude · 28/05/2023 18:49

I’d be beyond furious, definitely not unreasonable.

MuffinToSeeHere · 28/05/2023 15:16

Bagpuss2022 · 28/05/2023 11:21

For those asking I did call the recycling centre they said no chance of finding it as all the recycling goes into one huge container from all the recycling refuse bins for the whole city.
I'm still really upset but not so angry anymore there’s no point carrying a grudge I’m sure he didn’t do it on purpose but I’m still very disappointed with his reaction.
I have spent the weekend going through all my iCloud over 19 thousand photos still not got through them all and I have managed to find quite a few of our two youngest not much of our 22 year old it’s not the same but at least it’s something I’m going to make a photo book with what I find.
Thanks for all the supportive posts

Sorry you've had no luck finding them and the photo book sounds like a lovely idea.

I am curious as I'm sure others will also be to know how you decided and came to the conclusion he didn't do it on purpose though? Did he offer any logical reason to suggest he didn't know what was in the folders despite them being in the house for so long or why he didn't look to see what they were before throwing them away? I would be mindful that it wasn't actually an accident and if you were my friend I would caution you to look for other situations where he didn't think your views, items or opinions were worth having.

LT1982 · 28/05/2023 15:09

Cam22 · 25/05/2023 16:49

YABU

In what way?

Original poster
Bagpuss2022 · 28/05/2023 11:21

For those asking I did call the recycling centre they said no chance of finding it as all the recycling goes into one huge container from all the recycling refuse bins for the whole city.
I'm still really upset but not so angry anymore there’s no point carrying a grudge I’m sure he didn’t do it on purpose but I’m still very disappointed with his reaction.
I have spent the weekend going through all my iCloud over 19 thousand photos still not got through them all and I have managed to find quite a few of our two youngest not much of our 22 year old it’s not the same but at least it’s something I’m going to make a photo book with what I find.
Thanks for all the supportive posts

OP posts:
purplehair1 · 28/05/2023 01:21

I would be so upset and I’m sure your kids will be too. I’d chuck away all his stupid football stuff.

Mamanyt · 28/05/2023 00:53

pinkyredrose · 27/05/2023 14:00

Pretty rude of them to laugh.

Show quote history

Possibly. But then, boys. They aren't generally sentimental over stuff like that. Didn't let it bother me one bit.

Baba197 · 27/05/2023 21:52

YANBU I would be devastated. I keep everything my son makes and if someone threw it away with no thought I would be livid with them

Dontworkmondays · 27/05/2023 17:25

I’m pregnant and over emotional. This post just made me cry thinking about losing those things. Definitely not unreasonable

T1Dmama · 27/05/2023 14:57

I have a memory box packed safely on top of a wardrobe with hand prints in, I’d also be devastated if it was binned.

Its done now though and I’d say to your husband that you were hoping for a sincere apology given that you’d never dare throw away his crappy plastic bags!!

pinkyredrose · 27/05/2023 14:00

Mamanyt · 27/05/2023 00:26

Here is the bottom line...I know you treasured those things. HOWEVER..there is a 99% chance that when you die, the kids would have chucked those folders themselves. I had folders like that for each of my sons, and when I presented them to them on their marriages, they laughed, kept their birth certificates, and tossed the rest. So much for "precious memories," and...guess what? I STILL had those memories. I did not need the items.

Pretty rude of them to laugh.

Heyhoitsme · 27/05/2023 13:53

When my dad retired he took it upon himself to have a sort out. He threw away my school reports and many photos. I dont know what he was thinking. I guess he thought he was doing the right thing.

rainbowstardrops · 27/05/2023 06:47

Any luck with the recycling centre @Bagpuss2022?
I'd be absolutely fuming with him and so upset too. His reaction to you was awful.

Pigeon31 · 27/05/2023 06:43

@ThirstyThursday A better place might be a box with a big label on it saying DO NOT TOUCH - I don't know, OP can decide where a good place might be in the house to put things that makes it very clear she doesn't want them touched.

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 27/05/2023 06:36

My ex did this to me. We sorted out a load of junk together. I had a box to one side of what he called "useless tat" but to me it was really sentimental things. Yes they were probably worthless in money terms but it was little items from my childhood that meant a lot to me. I'd put them safe in a box to one side of all the junk that was going to the tip.

After he'd gone to the tip, I noticed the box was missing. When he came back he said it was worthless tat and not worth keeping, so he'd binned it. I was really upset.

Buddercud · 27/05/2023 06:31

What the items are is irrelevant. I’d be pissed off to be married to someone who threw my stuff out without asking and then acted like a dick about it.

ThirstyThursday · 27/05/2023 02:51

Pigeon31 · 25/05/2023 20:25

All the vibes, OP, you're not being silly at all. But this is just going to have to be another funny story to tell the kids when they are grown - and there's time for new memories and a better place to store them.

(I remember the day after I left home to go to uni a big box turned up in the post - my stepmother had packed up every single little thing she could find of mine in the house, including childhood drawings, and sent it on - I guess as a message not to come back. I just threw it all out.)

What would be a better place to store them than in a folder, in a cabinet?

Do you mean a secret place so that someone with no respect can't find them & throw them away?

I'm sorry your SM was like that, but as you 'threw it all away' you obviously don't understand the OP's attachment to the stuff in the folder. You can make other memories, but you can't replace the stuff they did when they were toddlers/young children.

CelestiaNoctis · 27/05/2023 02:40

I think I would actually question my relationship if that happened. I'm in genuine shock. That is my worst nightmare.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 27/05/2023 02:31

Mamanyt · 27/05/2023 00:26

Here is the bottom line...I know you treasured those things. HOWEVER..there is a 99% chance that when you die, the kids would have chucked those folders themselves. I had folders like that for each of my sons, and when I presented them to them on their marriages, they laughed, kept their birth certificates, and tossed the rest. So much for "precious memories," and...guess what? I STILL had those memories. I did not need the items.

When my DGF died, we found that he had kept every birthday card and drawing that my sister and I had ever sent him, right back to when we could barely write. The cards as objects don't matter to me at all, but knowing that he had kept them as mementos of our all-too fleeting childhoods means the world.