Tricky situation

I'd give advance notice to your ex. If your adult child has invited them knowing that you haven't spoken for several years, then they are adult enough to tell them that Mum is paying for herself and the kids only. If your adult DC chooses not to say and covers their father's bill, that's an adult choice.

If you leave it until you arrive at the restaurant, then you might have a bit of a scene or where he says "I assumed you were paying/I don't have enough money in my account" etc.

I’d just keep it super breezy. What you’re doing is not unusual or wrong in any way, so you should feel no awkwardness about it. Just a quick “we’ll need 2 bills at the end please - is that OK?” to the waiter, to signal clearly to ex-H that he won’t be scrounging and shouldn’t order more than he can pay for himself. And then at the end “can we split the bill please? I’ll be paying for XYZ”.

If one of your children offers to pay for him, I think you just have to let them handle it how they see fit. If it were me, I’d have a conversation with them privately another day to explain that your intention would never be pettiness or to make things awkward, but that you do have boundaries and it’s important that we all protect our boundaries. Remind them that they are not obligated to pay their father’s way and it’s their decision as an adult to draw boundaries of their own.

I think you have to get the child who has invited him to talk to him in advance, and tell him that you will be paying for yourself and the kids. Don't mention who pays for him or that you won't be paying for him, as it is then obvious. This sounds generous of you (including to the child) and avoids him having any idea that you will be paying for him, or there being any awkwardness on the night. At the venue, ask to speak to the manager right at the beginning and say two bills one for you and kids, one for him.

Or go to one of the new places that has an app to order food and drinks from various different kitchens, there is one near us and it's really nice, has pods outside that you can book.

Then you get your stuff on the app and he gets his.

after pudding/desserts or if your taking a birthday cake - go to the bar and ask that they split the bill, as you want to pay for you and your dc - just keep a note of what he had.

Then ask them to give the remaining bill to him - when you get back to the table and after the bill has been presented to your ex, let the dc know you've paid for their meals as a treat. You don't need to mention the fathers part of the bill

When the waiter turns up you say clearly we will be splitting the bill 50/50 except he <point to ex> is covering his own drinks as well.

This

Then reinforce the message when you place the order

Separate bills please is a totally normal thing to do.

I agree wholeheartedly with priming the adult child who wants him there, that he's going to need to pay for his share if not half the entire bill, or he'll be washing up under police guard because you won't bail him out.

I agree that a discreet conversation in advance with the restaurant might be a good idea - especially if you can encourage them to take a scan of his card as insurance against him doing a dine and dash.

Then, jovially at the table in front of everyone (including the waiting staff?) say "seeing as you're here, are you paying for half of everything tonight or just all of what you have?".

That way you've laid the groundwork, and you've addressed it in front of witnesses, but you've kept it light. If he gets nasty, he looks like the asshole.

Your DC are adults. You message them the morning of said occasion and say "I'm so looking forward to later. Please make sure that DF brings money to cover his share later so there isn't any misunderstanding when it comes to paying the bill".

Absolutely this. It's time to put them wise about their father and be clear the invitation was for them, not him. If you're uncomfortable contacting him beforehand, you are not going to enjoy the occasion that you have been kind enough to offer. It will cast a pall over the whole proceedings. If they still wish to celebrate with him they are free to do so.

You don't have to suck this up OP, you matter too. 💐

Best idea is already suggested in letting restaurant know there will be 2 bills. I'd also tell him as soon as he arrives that you have arranged this.

Better yet, could you go to a restaurant where you have to go to the bar to order the food/drink and pay at the time of ordering? That way you can take everyones order and tell him to go with you to the bar so he can put his order in straight after you?

Hopefully he'll at least buy your dc a drink to celebrate with too!

How about just saying 'Oh no you're not invited. If you want to take the kids out for a celebration then organise your own. I haven't seen you for years and frankly I'd like to keep it that way because I don't like you.'

What part of that sentence is so difficult? Don't tiptoe around him just lay it out, its YOUR meal, YOU booked it and YOU are paying. He can fuck off.

Would this work?

All go for the meal. When the bill comes, suggest that you and your husband pay for your own share and split both of your children's meals?

Or you could ask the waitor at the beginning if you could:

• Bill for Husbands orders (he pays this)
• Bill for your orders (you pay this)
• Bill for Children's orders (Both Split)

This method is just the norm in Europe where many families go for dinner together. On the payment machine they can add (family 1/ family 2/ family 3 etc etc). That way cousins/friends etc can all sit together and each family always know their number. Then we would get 3/4/5/6 or however many 'families' we are with bills and it is never awkward. It is totally normal.

I'm sure i haven't explained that properly above but, hope you get my gist! x

If you don't want to tackle it in front of your child either before or during the meal, then before the end of the meal, could you see the wait staff privately and say you'd like two bills - one with items XX (what your ex consumed) put on a bill and handed to him, and the rest of the items bill to be handed to you?

Go to a wetherspoons or hungry horse type place and order your meals and drinks on the app, if he asks you to order his as he does not have the app he can either log onto their WiFi and download it or go to the bar and order. Obviously tell him how to do it so it seems like you are being really helpful.

Take a lot of cash, with small coins too. If you can’t get separate bills or he is awkward about it, add up what you and the adult children spent, put that amount of cash on the table, or hand it to the waiter, and say “that covers us, he is paying for himself” and then leave. Hand the sister a separate tip so he cannot use that to cover his share.

I think this, but said before anyone has ordered, to avoid any “oh I don’t have my wallet, I thought you were paying” comments.

Sounds like he doesn’t even deserve to be at this celebration but fair enough if it’s what your child wants

Take cash. Put down yours and your childrens share and leave.

Genius! THIS ☝

This.

Why on earth should he assume that you are paying anyway?

If he says no say "oh, il pay for mine and the kids then - you just sort yourself out".

Show the tight-fisted twat bastard up in front of everyone for what he is. No way on this earth should you pay for him in order to keep the peace!

I would:

Tell the DC involved that he/she needs to contact their father to let him know in advance that he will need to pay for himself.

At the restaurant, have a quiet word with the waitress that you need the bill to be split.

Consider chatting to the DC asking if they would consider having their own private meal with their dad another time. Only six people at the table and they think it's going to be a nice meal?? It may be their celebration but they are not being realistic about it. Sounds like hell. Sorry.

Can you transfer your kids money into their accounts so it looks like they're paying for their own?

I’d message him beforehand and say now he’s coming along let’s split the bill 50:50 so you each pay for some of the kids too.

That’s ridiculous - the kids are grown ups!