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AIBU?

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Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 25/05/2023 18:30

Just be careful. If he's forewarned that he's going to have to pay for his own share, but you are paying for the kids, he might just pull the 'just going to nip to the loo' thing at the end of the meal but before the bill arrives, then slope off, neatly leaving you and the kids with his portion also to pay for.

He sounds like the type to do this.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 18:27

My child did ask me if I would be ok with ex being at graduation before they invited ex and I said I would be ok. I just want to minimise the chances of him getting away with not paying his way and don't want a drama.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 25/05/2023 18:26

saltinesandcoffeecups · 24/05/2023 23:23

I don’t think you can do this without coming across as petty. Honestly you haven’t seen him in years and this is a celebration (I’m guessing for one of your kids). Just pay and don’t cause drama.

Its not petty to set boundaries.

And regardless he clearly didn't care about being seen as a deadbeat dad.

Littlebluebellwoods · 25/05/2023 18:22

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 15:51

I like the idea of saying before ordering that everyone will be paying for themselves and I will reimburse them. It will probably act as a deterrent as he won't want to embarrass himself in front of his children or drive up the bill as I doubt he would do that if children paying. If he forgets his wallet I will ask one of the children to pay his share and he should pay them back if not I will give them the money for his share.
I don't want any hassle but want to try my hardest not to be cheated.

Please don’t do this. It’s your kids graduation. Don’t make it awkward. Just text him in advance and tell him ‘for info, I will pay for me and the kids but you will need to pay for himself, which I’m sure you planned to do “

and leave it there. The kids have had enough drama. They don’t need any more awkwardness. And the idea of getting 6 bills and reimbursing them all is ludicrous.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2023 18:20

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 18:12

This is utter bullshit.

Not even getting into because you are setting up a situation to pit a mother against her children. But you need to give her head a wobble.

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It is very much the truth of the situation.

Behaving like you would means men like the ops ex get away with shitty abusive and neglectful behaviour.

One day the adult child celebrating will apologise for forcing this.

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 18:12

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2023 18:06

You mean it's not ops fault that the father of her children is financially abusive and one of their children knowingly is subjecting op to his presence and possibly making it so he can abuse her financially again.....

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This is utter bullshit.

Not even getting into because you are setting up a situation to pit a mother against her children. But you need to give her head a wobble.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2023 18:06

QueenieMe · 25/05/2023 17:53

It's her DC's graduation. That's a huge deal so of course they want to celebrate with both parents there. It's not their fault their parents don't get on.

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You mean it's not ops fault that the father of her children is financially abusive and one of their children knowingly is subjecting op to his presence and possibly making it so he can abuse her financially again.....

martinisforeveryone · 25/05/2023 18:05

I can understand your DC being put in a difficult position, they know what their father is but still have a love for him because he's their father. I think that's a testament to the way you've brought them up. Of course, as adults, they may revise their opinions and relationship with him going forward, but for now they want to include him in the celebration.

By the same token I understand you not wishing to part with even a penny for his enjoyment and you're made of sterner stuff than me to sit at the same table with him.

Plenty of good suggestions, but what I would say is that he sounds extremely likely to pull some kind of stunt that will still leave you footing his bill. As DC invited him I would say they have to inform him that he will be responsible for his own bill for whatever he consumes. DC should make it very clear that if there's a 'forgotten wallet' he will be on his own. 100% get this done in advance of the event.

If any of the DC are short of money to lay out, give them £X per head in advance and tell them if it doesn't cover their check you'll balance it after the event. And, good luck @Blondewithredlips

XelaM · 25/05/2023 18:02

OP - as someone whose husband has only recently started paying £36 per month CMS (pur daughter is now 13 and we divorced when she was a baby) - I completely sympathise with you and there is NO WAY IN HELL I would pay a penny for him. Tell the waiter beforehand that you are splitting the bill 50/50. when it's time for the bill, hide in the loo 😅

QueenieMe · 25/05/2023 17:53

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2023 17:43

I don't think your child that is celebrating is actually that lovely, I would never do this to my mother and we've had a very difficult relationship but I have known she was the better parent and sacrificed more than my sperm donor did.

You've obviously been an amazing mother to them.

It's her DC's graduation. That's a huge deal so of course they want to celebrate with both parents there. It's not their fault their parents don't get on.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2023 17:43

I don't think your child that is celebrating is actually that lovely, I would never do this to my mother and we've had a very difficult relationship but I have known she was the better parent and sacrificed more than my sperm donor did.

You've obviously been an amazing mother to them.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 16:47

Shinyandnew1 · 25/05/2023 16:42

will ask one of the children to pay his share and he should pay them back if not I will give them the money for his share

Is your child likely to say to their dad-‘won’t worry about it, mum will give me the money back’…?

Luckily no as we have all suffered due to his lack of financial contribution and meaness. They love him but under no illusion about how disgusting he has been to me regarding financial stress which is still ongoing.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 25/05/2023 16:42

will ask one of the children to pay his share and he should pay them back if not I will give them the money for his share

Is your child likely to say to their dad-‘won’t worry about it, mum will give me the money back’…?

tatteddear · 25/05/2023 15:52

When you get the bill take a quick look at it and say £50 (or whatever) should cover yours exh, give or take-I'll pick up the bill for the kids and I-unless you want to go halves on the lot? And then don't fill the silence that follows until he gets his purse out.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 15:51

I like the idea of saying before ordering that everyone will be paying for themselves and I will reimburse them. It will probably act as a deterrent as he won't want to embarrass himself in front of his children or drive up the bill as I doubt he would do that if children paying. If he forgets his wallet I will ask one of the children to pay his share and he should pay them back if not I will give them the money for his share.
I don't want any hassle but want to try my hardest not to be cheated.

OP posts:
mainsfed · 25/05/2023 15:42

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 15:42

At least it will be out in the open. None of the children will believe him.

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True. How have you decided to handle it?

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 15:42

mainsfed · 25/05/2023 15:37

I think you need to be prepared that he will forget his wallet on the night.

At least it will be out in the open. None of the children will believe him.

OP posts:
mainsfed · 25/05/2023 15:37

I think you need to be prepared that he will forget his wallet on the night.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 15:32

Shinyandnew1 · 25/05/2023 15:24

I actually think that’s a brilliant idea. What do you think your adult kids would say about that, @Blondewithredlips ?

What do you think your ex would do?

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Sounds like a great idea. Will talk to them about it. Also may stop him making the bill excessive.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 25/05/2023 15:32

"Are you just paying for yourself or are you splitting the dc's meals with me?"

Shinyandnew1 · 25/05/2023 15:24

OneLittleFinger · 25/05/2023 07:45

Arrange with non-celebrating children that you will reimburse them but that they'll need to pay on the night. So it appears that you pay for yourself and birthday child, everyone else pays for themselves. You can 'agree' this at the table to begin with so ex is forewarned. Then you're not seemingly leaving him out, but he cannr argue if the kids are paying for themselves.

I actually think that’s a brilliant idea. What do you think your adult kids would say about that, @Blondewithredlips ?

What do you think your ex would do?

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 14:17

It is a graduation ceremony so no flexibility with times etc

OP posts:
QueenieMe · 25/05/2023 13:51

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 13:47

That’s still leaves you paying for his excessive booze.

I don’t live in UK but did travel regularly for work there. We separated checks all the time. It was never a big deal.

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I think in a celebration situation to mark a DC's significant birthday I would suck up the excessive booze. The DCs might drink a lot too!

Chickenkeev · 25/05/2023 13:48

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 13:31

If he told DC he could not afford the meal they would not believe him as he is not struggling financially.

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But DC might not know the ins and outs of his finances. Who knows really! But it's a rubbish situation for OP in any event. If I was in their place I would massively resent paying for the ex.

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 13:47

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 13:29

I like this idea

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That’s still leaves you paying for his excessive booze.

I don’t live in UK but did travel regularly for work there. We separated checks all the time. It was never a big deal.