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Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/05/2023 21:00

I’d make it very clear at the start of the meal that you are treating the kids - then pull the waiter over and say that he (your ex) will have a separate bill- make sure he hears.

SoftSheen · 26/05/2023 20:54

I'd be breezy about it, e.g. when you've all received menus, just say 'So [Ex], before we all order I just wanted to check whether you would be happy for you and I to split the bill 50/50 and treat all the children? Not possible? No problem, I'm happy to pay for the children myself and I'll let the staff know that they will need to make up your bill separately'.

Anyport · 26/05/2023 20:49

Contact the place where you are dining before you arrive and tell them how you want the bill to be split.

SchoolTripDrama · 26/05/2023 20:28

GasPanic · 25/05/2023 13:14

The problem is it sounds like you are making the meal all about the beef you have with your Ex H (which may well be legitimate) and not about the actual celebration itself.

So you run the risk of turning the celebration into a mess because your Ex. H is an arsehole. How that will pan out, whether your kids will blame you or your ex. H for it is hard to determine.

I'd ask myself the question whether it's really worth it.

You can come up with all sorts of ways to separate out the costs and the restuarant will almost certainly accommodate you. For example you could ask the restaurant to do a set menu for a set number at a set price and pay in advance. But probably anything you do is likely to lead to some confrontation if your Ex. H is as tight fisted as you say he is, and that confrontation is likely to bring the celebration down.

I would probably pay, and have a quiet word with your kids that in the future if they want to celebrate with their father separately then that's fine but not together with you.

Nice bit of manipulation into getting the OP to be a doormat and let him continue being a cheeky fucker! Wow

Butchyrestingface · 26/05/2023 20:28

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 18:27

My child did ask me if I would be ok with ex being at graduation before they invited ex and I said I would be ok. I just want to minimise the chances of him getting away with not paying his way and don't want a drama.

Is this a university graduation?

I'm quite surprised your child would even ASK. I'd expect them to show more sensitivity. And I say that as the daughter of a man who never paid a bean towards my upkeep after he and my mother separated. Won't his being there rather ruin it for you (AKA, the bank of mum)?

Theyreallydidaskthat · 26/05/2023 20:24

I am sure your children are lovely OP, but I worry about any adult child who whose happiness depends on having both parents together at a meal when one parent has mistreated the other. That's not a healthy sacrifice.

snowydays10 · 26/05/2023 20:16

I would ask him when the bill comes if he is happy to split it otherwise take the high road and pay for everyone. You look like the bigger person and a good example to your children that you rise above the drama.

Gymmum82 · 26/05/2023 20:09

I’d wait for the bill at the end. Then in front of everyone say ‘are we splitting it 50/50 as our treat to the children?’
Make him say in front of his kids that he doesn’t want to pay for them. Then if he says no. Say ok I’ll pay me and the kids then as usual and you just pay for yourself

Rumplestrumpet · 26/05/2023 20:08

For all those saying "he shouldn't be invited" - probably right, but I remember how happy I was to have both my parents at my graduation, and I was very grateful to my mum for putting up with Dad (her ex) at the meal afterwards.

I don't actually remember who paid now though, but they probably split it 50/50.

Well done OP for being the bigger person. But absolutely make sure he pays his way this time at least!

Ponderosamum · 26/05/2023 19:52

I would tell him upfront, as you said quietly at the beginning of the meal that there will be 2 bills, one his, one yours as you are not paying for him and neither is anybody else. If he doesn't want to pay then he should leave and not participate.
OP, You dont want to go through the whole meal with this winding you up and wondering what he will do. Just tell him these are the terms on which he attends, tell him you havent invited him your child has, your generosity is for your children only, it does not stretch to him.

Theyreallydidaskthat · 26/05/2023 19:48

I wouldn't make him pay up front because he could still spend more that he has given you. Keep the bills separate although the alcohol will by much more difficult to split. You need to think how to split that.

raincamepouringdown · 26/05/2023 19:39

TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 23:38

Tell them to inform their father he needs to bring money to cover his share.
If your child asks why then enlighten them as to how little he contributed to their financial needs as children and paying for him is a red line you are not willing to cross.

Show quote history

Agree.

make it clear you will of course be civil so as not to cause a scene, but you won't be paying for his presence after you have paid for everything while he pissed off and left you all to it.

drpet49 · 26/05/2023 19:35

Notimeforaname · 24/05/2023 23:23

You tell him, clearly, beforehand that he pays for his own meal.

Then when its time for the bill, you ask for two separate bills. One for him, one for you and your kids. Done.

This

Thack · 26/05/2023 19:33

A note to be careful with tipping (sorry if it's been said already).

If everyone pays by card then whoever pays last might use the tip value to subsidise their own meal.
Tip in cash once all payments are complete, to be safe.

Happygirl79 · 26/05/2023 19:32

Nutterjacks · 24/05/2023 23:52

When the bill comes, casually say,

shall we go 50-50 and treat the kids?

This

Nanny0gg · 26/05/2023 19:25

Littlebluebellwoods · 25/05/2023 18:22

Please don’t do this. It’s your kids graduation. Don’t make it awkward. Just text him in advance and tell him ‘for info, I will pay for me and the kids but you will need to pay for himself, which I’m sure you planned to do “

and leave it there. The kids have had enough drama. They don’t need any more awkwardness. And the idea of getting 6 bills and reimbursing them all is ludicrous.

Show quote history

Who exactly, is making it awkward?

Hint: It's not the OP...

Nanny0gg · 26/05/2023 19:23

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:43

My finances would never be able to stretch to the amount he would drink even if I could stomach it.

Show quote history

Just tell the waiter when you're there that his bill is to be separate.

Then watch his face when he gets it at the end and realises you're not paying!

RachaelN · 26/05/2023 19:23

Personally I would have a conversation with your children and explain that you are very uncomfortable with being near him.
I have an ex that was abusive. Appart from future weddings I will never be near him willingly.

tolerable · 26/05/2023 19:21

look at you...look at him.
forget that.child whos celebration wants him there. just pay.
let child who depends on him for sod all have their moment...
spoze could emergency bail out before bill/leave him to settle...but at this late stage....can you indicate before table service..ok.. "drinks paid individually"(even if you settle everyone elses//)please can we have jug of water...
i know its shit.
hope you can actual celebrate too tho..

MarvelMrs · 26/05/2023 19:17

Tell the DC in advance that you will be
covering their bill so they don’t need to worry. Then ask for the bill, divide at the table by 6 and
then when he hands over his card or cash for his sixth then pay the rest.
Or if you think that will get complicated just tell the DC in advance to pay for themselves and you then transfer them the money back as soon as you get home. It’s so easy and quick to transfer online that they will have the money back immediately.

Blancmangemouse · 26/05/2023 19:11

@Blondewithredlips

Say you’ll each pay for what you’ve had, then transfer the money over to your children afterwards. Or, transfer them £30 each in advance to cover it.

Crumpleton · 26/05/2023 19:10

Hopefully he doesn't think that being invited as a guest also means that the meal is being paid for.

evian76 · 26/05/2023 19:10

It might be nice if he treated you all!

dizzygirl1 · 26/05/2023 19:07

Could you put the menu out in your family what's app and ask them to forward to their dad - to plan their meal and check the prices or something along those lines? With the same suggestion PP have used about all paying for own meals.
E.g
'Hi all here is the menu for XXX restaurant, as agreed we'll all pay our own meals and I'll pay for 'Joes for the celebration '
They can forward on to dad with the same caveats

user1471538283 · 26/05/2023 19:04

Tell the server at the beginning that you are having separate checks, you and your DC and he has his. Do not let him get away with adding anything to yours. If he doesn't like it he can leave.

Hell would freeze over before I paid for my ex. Like yours he has never contributed to my DS.