Tricky situation

Op is clearly not petty.

In fact there would no graduation celebration at all if the OP were petty.

Ex, on the other hand is cleary petty, and financially abusive to boot. Ex is also not shy about rubbing OPs nose in it.

This night should be hers to celebrate. It is a job well done. Done by her (and the dc who got the results).

Petty ex should stay away.

Petty ex should take the graduate out by himself.

OP - STOP!

Don't justify yourself.

Don't engage with that sort of thing.

You do not need to say a word to anyone. Just let the waiter know quiety that ex will have a seperate bill.

Problem solved for you.

Enjoy your extra money now that you have finished scrimping and saving for the kids.

You deserve all of it!

OP you do not deserve the negative comments you have been receiving. Only those who have not been treated so unfairly as you have and who have little empathy can dismiss your enquiry so lightly.
You can justly feel proud of yourself for supporting your DC to graduation — something his other parent has failed to do.
I know you wish to meet the wish of your DC to have both parents present but could their sibling have a word and point out how uncomfortable the atmosphere is likely to be?

Ridiculous response.

How mich is the meal likely to cost? More or less than the cheek fillers you are planning to get (from your other thread)? Seriously, it’s just a bit of money and you are dragging your children into something they should not be involved in by considering telling the child to tell their father to remember to bring his wallet, etc. He hasn’t even said that he won’t pay but you are imagining all sorts of scenarios, putting your children into uncomfortable situations, even considering suggesting that the child should pay for their father and all because you want to punish your ex-husband as a form of revenge. I’ve been the child in that situation. Just don’t make it worse than it already is for the child for the sake of a bit of money and because you can’t hide your loathing of your child’s father.

Love your child more than you hate your ex-husband. Don’t make their graduation full of uncomfortable memories just because you were too stubborn to pay for a plate of food for their father to avoid a scene. Your child should not even be aware that there is even a chance of an issue here. It’s between you and your former husband and no one else, least of all your child.

I totally agree. The DC inviting the father should have at least discuss this with you beforehand, knowing that you are paying. Now it’s on them to fix this.

Absolutely this.

Just ask the waiter quietly

I have to do this twice a year with a particular person.

I always leave the table and have a quite word with the waiter. Works a charm.

In your case - at the end of the meal, you could have a saintly smile and say "I know you don't like to pool".

Have you seen the film "It's Complicated" OP?

Don't have too much 🍷is all I'm saying!😀

As a former server, I would prefer if people said when ordering that there will be separate bills and who is on the bills. Much easier to keep it separate if known ahead of time. Plus that way people know to only order what they can afford instead of trying to stick someone with the bill. Which sounds like a real possibility in this situation. Hope it all works out for you. Maybe have your child let your ex know ahead of time that he has to pay for his own.

Who invited him? Keep strong boundaries!

I'd make it clear to everyone that dinner is for you and them and to respect your wishes that it be a special occasion for you.

Your ex can arrange his own dinner plans.

I have an ex like this and have finally put my foot down.

Contact him, and simply say, "Would you prefer your bill be separate, or do you want to contribute to our children's meals and pay 50/50?"

As much as you don't want to see your ex, and quite frankly I can understand why IMO I think it's good that you're respecting your DC's wishes that their father be there especially as they know he left you to bring them up with no financial help from him.
It must have been so difficult but it sounds as though you've done a fantastic job in bringing them up.
I really do hope that you enjoy the celebrations despite circumstances.

If the EX doesn't turn up then so be it that's his doing as long as he admits it's his choice if/when asked.

I would also just be open about it with him, are we splitting the bill 50/ 50 or is everyone paying for themselves? If he says he can’t afford it, then say that’s fine- you will pay for yourself though. Make sure this is said before ordering, then when bill comes pay for you and the children, tip in cash.

Take only cash, estimate roughly what bill will be for you and the kids and only take enough to cover it.

Op has been the bigger person for the majority of her children's lives, she doesn't sound petty at all, she sounds like a miraculous mother who has sacrificed a lot of her self and raised at least educationally successful children and rightly has put a boundary in place with her ex.

Sounds petty to me. Just pay for him. Be the bigger person. Life is too short.

@Blondewithredlips What a lot of hoo-ha your innocent question has generated!

I'm with you (including with the knob of a stingy ex husband) all the way. Life is too short to bother about who did what. Incomprehensible as it seems to people on MN, it's fine to do some things together if you have children together. People get their knickers in a twist about the oddest things. I do think, though, that he should pay at least for himself, if not split the total bill with you (though I know this would be like pulling teeth).

Personally, I think he should pick up the tab for the whole of you, and think himself lucky he is invited . I'd ask him is it his turn to pay? Or ask him if he expects you to pay again. ?
If he won't is different than can't. If he's just mean, then I Def wouldn't pay for him or want him there tbh ...and I'd tell him & child why
It's so sad for your child but ex's loss.

Is the OW likely to be there as well?

If you don't want to contact him before the event, you will have to simply ask the waiter to put the kids and your meal on your card and then pass him the card machine. I would probably simply say, I will pay for me and the kids and you can do yours separately.

You know what you do? Talk to the server before they bring the meal and just tell them to bring separate bills. Make it uncomfortable for him to ask if it can be together rather than you asking for it to be separate.