Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 25/05/2023 00:04

tell the waitperson at the beginning of the meal that the table will be doing two separate checks.

that way he can’t plead poverty at the end of the meal.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 25/05/2023 00:00

I'd speak to the restaurant in advance and make it very clear you want 2 separate bills at the end

ThereIbledit · 24/05/2023 23:57

Absolutely don't suck it up!

I would say breezily to him when you all arrive that you assume that you and he will pay for your own drinks and meals each and split the two children's meals between the two of you.

Aim high, negotiate down to just his meal and drinks if he pushes it to the point where it would ruin the occasion.

Notimeforaname · 24/05/2023 23:56

If you're not happy to contact him then you'll have to tell him face to face once there "I'm not paying for your meal". Done.

Tinkerbyebye · 24/05/2023 23:54

I would either advise your child that he can’t come and they can celebrate with their father separately, or would tell the child to tell the father he will have to pay 50/50. If you don’t think he will when I get to the meal I would advise the waiter you are paying for you and the kids only so separate bills

i certainly wouldn’t suck it up as others suggest. The kids are adult and deserve to know how little their father has supported them

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:54

Kanaloa · 24/05/2023 23:49

Can’t you just tell your child no? Say ‘no I said I’d take you kids out but I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking your father out. Maybe he can take you out Sunday after we’ve been out Saturday.’

Your children presumably are adult. They are old enough to catch on that their mother may not want to take her ex out for dinner, and to understand that they see their parents separately.

Unfortunately we are all travelling from different parts of the country to a city that requires an overnight stay. The children see their father online, rarely in person

OP posts:
Nutterjacks · 24/05/2023 23:52

When the bill comes, casually say,

shall we go 50-50 and treat the kids?

Kanaloa · 24/05/2023 23:49

Can’t you just tell your child no? Say ‘no I said I’d take you kids out but I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking your father out. Maybe he can take you out Sunday after we’ve been out Saturday.’

Your children presumably are adult. They are old enough to catch on that their mother may not want to take her ex out for dinner, and to understand that they see their parents separately.

notquitesoyoung · 24/05/2023 23:47

Having been the DC in this scenario I would try and make it as stress free as possible for them, regardless of how old they are or how normal divorce is they have to live their lives balancing between parents which makes all special events/milestones/occasions tricky. With the exception of DV, be the bigger person for their sake - regardless of how much of a (insert appropriate expletive) you think he is.

Why does he think he is coming? If you have a way to get in touch I would probably do that ahead of time and let him know you expect him to pay his own way and if possible try and agree the mechanics of how that happens (ask restaurant for separate bills beforehand or on a trip to the toilet etc). Keep any potential drama/undercurrent away for the table/preferably away from the day.

shiningstar2 · 24/05/2023 23:47

I would simply ask him ...are you going 50 50 on this celebration meal for one of our children or are you just paying for yourself?

No drama. Clear choice given. No room for any misunderstanding.

Deathbyfluffy · 24/05/2023 23:47

It sounds like you just need to tell him there and then you’re not paying for him - all other options are apparently off the table.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:43

MissSmiley · 24/05/2023 23:41

If it's to please your child I would just pay for him, it'll be a lot less awkward

My finances would never be able to stretch to the amount he would drink even if I could stomach it.

OP posts:
SiegeOfBees · 24/05/2023 23:41

child whose Celebration it is wants him there.

They haven’t really thought this through have they? I can’t imagine it will be a celebratory atmosphere!

MissSmiley · 24/05/2023 23:41

If it's to please your child I would just pay for him, it'll be a lot less awkward

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/05/2023 23:39

You could say to the waiter, we're doing separate checks. I'll pay for myself and the kids. Then just order. Hand the menu back and smile.

TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 23:38

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:36

I did not invite him but child whose Celebration it is wants him there.

Show quote history

Tell them to inform their father he needs to bring money to cover his share.
If your child asks why then enlighten them as to how little he contributed to their financial needs as children and paying for him is a red line you are not willing to cross.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:37

PonyPatter44 · 24/05/2023 23:37

Why is he coming? Did one of the kids invite him?

Yes

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 24/05/2023 23:37

Why is he coming? Did one of the kids invite him?

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:36

MissSmiley · 24/05/2023 23:34

Why are you even inviting him to the meal?

I did not invite him but child whose Celebration it is wants him there.

OP posts:
grumpycow1 · 24/05/2023 23:36

At the end just say ‘I’m paying for me and the kids’ and pass him the bill.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:35

Elenorrigbywoes · 24/05/2023 23:29

If it is for one of your shared children he should go 50/50 with you - he might jump at just paying for himself if that is his choice 😉

He has form for being mean with money so would never offer 50%.
Last time I saw him was at an airport to see one of our children off and he bought himself a coffee but not for the children.

OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 24/05/2023 23:35

Why is he even coming? Why cant you go and have a meal with the kids? The kids can see him separately. Life is too short, dont do anything you dont want to.

MissSmiley · 24/05/2023 23:34

Why are you even inviting him to the meal?

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:31

Sorry but I will not pay for a man that left me financially struggling to put several children through university. Also not happy to contact him beforehand.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 23:31

" just pay and don't cause drama "

Umm, I don't think so, he's an adult and can pay for his own meal and shouldn't expect his ex wife to cover him.

Op I would do as pp said request two separate bills before you all order, if he won't pay that's his fault.