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Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
W0tnow · 25/05/2023 03:32

Call for the bill, inform the waiter you’ll pay x amount. Tap your card, indicate your ex will pay the rest. I’d pay for me and the kids.

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 02:44

What difference does it make if he doesn’t show up? OP is not expecting him to pay for anyone but himself.

Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 02:18

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 02:16

I don’t think it’s a big deal. Call the restaurant ahead of time and ask if separating checks is a problem.

Then tell the server before you order loudly and in front of him: there will one check for him and I will take all of the others.

Sorry you have to deal with this. But I cannot tell you how much I appreciated it the few times my parents both showed up and behaved for me. I only ever asked at my university graduation and my wedding. I made me feel very loved that they would agree to it.

OP says he has form for canceling last minute and making up excuses though. I’d want a pre-paid thing with this type

Blipblapblooplala · 25/05/2023 02:17

Thanks for updating me. Ouch, that hard.

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 02:16

I don’t think it’s a big deal. Call the restaurant ahead of time and ask if separating checks is a problem.

Then tell the server before you order loudly and in front of him: there will one check for him and I will take all of the others.

Sorry you have to deal with this. But I cannot tell you how much I appreciated it the few times my parents both showed up and behaved for me. I only ever asked at my university graduation and my wedding. I made me feel very loved that they would agree to it.

Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 02:14

Blipblapblooplala · 25/05/2023 02:13

Sorry, not read any of the replies. My advice would be to tell him they need x amount upfront and give him the details to pay for it.

Show quote history

OP isn’t in contact with him. DC invited him and OP accepted for the happiness for her child, but now has no way of knowing

Blipblapblooplala · 25/05/2023 02:13

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

Sorry, not read any of the replies. My advice would be to tell him they need x amount upfront and give him the details to pay for it.

Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 02:11

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 02:07

Will look into that. Thank you.

Show quote history

They tend to be buffet style with a specified amount of food and drinks included. You book, you get what you paid for, sorted.
Id say if your DC is going to pay for him in secret well it’s the beginning of their adult choices. I’d try to keep the conversation open as much as possible with DC if they’re considering doing this, in a non judgmental way, but then when travel costs and overnight stay become included I’d want to know, frame it as budgeting and life and family choices (which is true really)

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 02:07

Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 02:06

Can you look into choosing one of those restaurants where you pay in advance online ?

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Will look into that. Thank you.

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 02:06

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 02:04

I think the DC having celebration would be very unhappy if he was not there. The other DC would not be bothered at all.

Show quote history

Can you look into choosing one of those restaurants where you pay in advance online ?

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 02:04

Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 02:02

Well maybe tell DC to reply yes but you are separate financial entities. If he pushes with DC, just try to eliminate the idea of him attending really, surely your DC will understand it would cause more stress than it’s worth

I think the DC having celebration would be very unhappy if he was not there. The other DC would not be bothered at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 02:02

Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 01:55

Is there a reason they are hoping for him to change ? Has he got closer to them ? Otherwise the notifying the restaurant seems the only way

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He has form for letting DC down at the last minute. He says he will meet them but then recycles one of his many excuses as to why he has to cancel. I suspect OW has a lot to do with it.

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 02:02

Well maybe tell DC to reply yes but you are separate financial entities. If he pushes with DC, just try to eliminate the idea of him attending really, surely your DC will understand it would cause more stress than it’s worth

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 02:00

CherryBlossomAutumn · 25/05/2023 01:56

Just don’t pay for him on the day. Go up to the till, take off all of his food and drink, and pay the rest away from the table. Then when you leave remind him that he needs to pay for his, or get your child to remind him. They invited their DAd, and are an adult, they can handle it with their own father.

I have an Ex like this. Worse he’d make a big thing about not affording it and our child would probably pay for him.

These men are disgusting. DC would try to pay for him too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 01:58

Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 01:46

What did he reply ?

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Not in contact with ex-husband. I have told DC that I can tolerate ex which I can as there will be 5 of us excluding him. It is paying for his meal that is an absolute red line for me after being shafted financially by him and OW.

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 01:57

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 01:53

Thank you that is very reassuring.

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Yes, same experience. I just suggested paying at the bar in the hope of a more private conversation.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 25/05/2023 01:56

Just don’t pay for him on the day. Go up to the till, take off all of his food and drink, and pay the rest away from the table. Then when you leave remind him that he needs to pay for his, or get your child to remind him. They invited their DAd, and are an adult, they can handle it with their own father.

I have an Ex like this. Worse he’d make a big thing about not affording it and our child would probably pay for him.

Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 01:55

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 01:50

I think he may not turn up but cannot guarantee it unfortunately. DC all know about his behaviour as the financial consequences of his behaviour have caused us a lot of stress.

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Is there a reason they are hoping for him to change ? Has he got closer to them ? Otherwise the notifying the restaurant seems the only way

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 01:54

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 25/05/2023 01:52

Forget your wallet!.

Fantastic!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 01:53

BetsyBobbins · 25/05/2023 01:52

Hi OP! Congratulations on your kid's celebration.

As someone who's been a waitress for quite a long time I can confirm that it's pretty normal for people to ask for separate bills prior to the meal. It's a bit of a logistical nightmare especially now that all orders are computerised but where there's a will, there's a way. Just be sure to tell your children in advance that you'll do that as he won't be able to play victim when the bill arrives . Good luck

Thank you that is very reassuring.

OP posts:
someoneisalwaysintheloo · 25/05/2023 01:52

Forget your wallet!.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 01:52

Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 01:49

Is there someone who could mediate ? His parents ? You set out the terms very clearly by writing, up to him if he’s coming after that ?

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Unfortunately no-one as his behaviour before the divorce shattered a lot of friendships.

OP posts:
BetsyBobbins · 25/05/2023 01:52

Hi OP! Congratulations on your kid's celebration.

As someone who's been a waitress for quite a long time I can confirm that it's pretty normal for people to ask for separate bills prior to the meal. It's a bit of a logistical nightmare especially now that all orders are computerised but where there's a will, there's a way. Just be sure to tell your children in advance that you'll do that as he won't be able to play victim when the bill arrives . Good luck

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 01:50

Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 01:46

If he’s that tight, I’d expect him to skip out over the whole stay tbh.
And don’t your adult children have an idea of what he’s like ?

I think he may not turn up but cannot guarantee it unfortunately. DC all know about his behaviour as the financial consequences of his behaviour have caused us a lot of stress.

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 01:50

Or if parents wish to foot his bill, even easier for you. Sorry hard to advise with such little information.

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