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AIBU?

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Original poster

Work Event vs School Disco

165 replies

PineapplePrincess · 24/05/2023 21:44

Sanity check please…

I have an overnighter for work. Select management community, first time I’ve qualified to attend despite a long history working for the company. Evening dinner (finishes by 10pm) followed by all day workshops. Starts the next day at 8:30am. Even if I didn’t do the overnighter there is no way I would get to the venue for an 8am start with childcare, traffic, etc.

I’ve chosen to stay over. Something DH was not exactly pleased about at the time, but he’s entirely capable of looking after our two DS. (Last work overnighter was 2-3years ago, for context.)

Overnighter coincides with oldest DS(9) disco. Something I wasn’t aware of at the point I agreed to go. DH is now refusing to take DS to disco, which DS is distraught about.

It would be awkward with school finishing (DS walks home at 3pm) nursery pick-up (latest 6pm), dinner, disco drop off (7pm), disco pick up (8pm) and bed downs. But it’s not impossible. I’ve suggest options to make things work - e.g. order pizza for dinner, skip the evening baths, let the boys stay up a bit later, ask neighbour (who’s son is also attending) to pick DS up at end of disco. The school and nursery are literally next door to our house, so it’s not a huge trek just cumbersome.

But he’s refusing to consider any options which could make the disco work. And it’s my fault DS can’t go.

I’m feeling so guilty and kinda wish I could cancel, but now worry it’s too late as company would be charged hotels costs and my last minute withdrawal would likely be ‘noted’.

DH is making it sound like off for a fun night on the town with my friends, abandoning him and kids - when actually I’m dreading the whole thing. I’m not familiar/ friendly with most people who are attending - I feel a bit obliged to go but also recognise (through recent work coaching) I need to push out of my introverted ways and expand my network. I’m hoping doing so will help me make my day job easier, which is not easy currently and quite demanding.

I just feel horrid, but I’m pushing ahead and going despite really wishing I wasn’t.

AIBU?

OP posts:
FatCatBum · 24/05/2023 22:22

But he’s refusing to consider any options which could make the disco work. And it’s my fault DS can’t go.

It not your fault at all, your husband could make it work but is choosing not to so the fault sits squarely with him. He's having a tantrum because he has to actually parent

Original poster
PineapplePrincess · 24/05/2023 22:22

Thank you for the replies, makes me feel better that I’m not out on a limb here.

I have suggested neighbour takes DS (along with her DS who is in the same year; both boys do get along well) and I’m pretty sure she would happily do so - she’s offered in the past. But DH doesn’t want to hear any of it. He stating it’s our responsibility to look after DS, not to palm him off on others when we have something better to do.

I don’t have any family to ask. And DH’s family are too far away to help out on this occasion (not that he’d ask them either - doesn’t like to be indebted to people!)

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/05/2023 22:22

What a horrible dad/ it’s one night if running around- your poor child!!!

Motnight · 24/05/2023 22:22

How else does he punish you and the children if things don't go his way, Op?

OnlyYellowRoses · 24/05/2023 22:20

He actually sounds jealous of you having a night away and is making himself look incompetent to boot.

Schoolchoicesucks · 24/05/2023 22:17

Can the neighbour whose son is attending take and drop DS? Or have DS after school and take and drop them home? Or is there another of DS's friend who would do the same? Then DH only needs to sort out younger child.
Obviously doesn't solve the issue of DH being unwilling to put himself out for his kids, but at least doesn't mean DS loses out.

TenoringBehind · 24/05/2023 22:17

Your dh is a nasty twat and is punishing you for having a life

Yogazmum · 24/05/2023 22:14

Make it clear to DH that it’s his fault if DS misses the disco. He’s being a manipulative arsehole. Having a tantrum over the fact you’re going away and making his own child miss out purely by being spiteful is the lowest.
Find someone else to take DS if you can. There must be another school mum who can help.
Even explain why you need the help
due to your DHs incompetence.
I would seriously be reassessing my relationship if my DH pulled a low stunt like this!
Vile and cruel!

TallulaRose · 24/05/2023 22:08

Ask another school parent and then LTB, seriously, he can’t parent his children properly for one night, what a sad excuse for a husband and dad.

bumbledeedum · 24/05/2023 22:06

Cosycover · 24/05/2023 22:01

I'd ask my neighbour and then get a fuckin divorce.

This. Your 'D'H is a dickhead and using your children to manipulate you.

millymollymoomoo · 24/05/2023 22:05

Your dh is a knob
tell him HE has to take ds to the disco
and seriously I’d consider ltb over this and i don’t say that often

he doesn’t respect you, doesn’t value you and is being a dick to their own child. Unforgivable

Secondsop · 24/05/2023 22:05

He’s being absolutely pathetic and mean, and I’m furious on your behalf. He doesn’t want you to go to your work thing not because of the disco logistics but because he doesn’t support your career development. On a practical level I like the suggestion of seeing if another parent can have your son after school and take him to the disco but on a wider level your DH would rather control you even at the expense of your son’s happiness. Don’t cancel your work event! It’s important to you and the choice should absolutely not be between the work event and the disco.

FusionChefGeoff · 24/05/2023 22:05

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that this isn't the only thing he's done that might qualify his entry for Twatty Husband / Dad of the Year award

MichelleScarn · 24/05/2023 22:04

MrsRickAstley · 24/05/2023 21:46

He's a massive KNOB !!! That's my two pennies.

Do not back down. He won't not take DC.

He's a massive, dickhead, attempting to control you knobhead!!

BonnieBobbin · 24/05/2023 22:04

Your DH is an arse. You need to go. If your DH continues to pretend he can't cope, can you ask family to help? For two reasons, it gets DS to the disco and it lets your family see how manipulative your DH is being.

Elfie1976 · 24/05/2023 22:03

He's a prize plonker ! Make sure you definitely go!

Cosycover · 24/05/2023 22:01

I'd ask my neighbour and then get a fuckin divorce.

ferntwist · 24/05/2023 22:00

Seconding what all previous posters have said. You must go to the work overnighter and your DH is being very unfair. Good plan to get another school family to take DS and then reciprocate sometime. It really shouldn’t all be on you though and after this is sorted you and DH need to talk to stop him doing this in future. Good luck

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 24/05/2023 22:00

Sorry saw it was DS but DD! But anyway!

NotReallyBotheredByThis · 24/05/2023 21:59

Go.

Maybe with a "well, one of us has to progress in our career" type remark if appropriate.

Explain to DS that "Daddy can't multitask but will do his best".

Then go & have a great & productive time!

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 24/05/2023 21:59

So he would begrudge his DD doing something that she really wants to do because like he is going to have a slightly awkward evening? This can't be a one off surely?

If he won't change his mind (that's a whole other problem) then please find a pick up / drop off from a friend solution. You should have to but at least till she still gets to go. And it might put his nose out of joint to show him that you can still find solutions and go on your work trip even though he's being an absolute bell end.

And on a final note. It's most definitely NOT your fault she can't go - she had her other parent at home who could easily facilitate this but is choosing not to. It's absolutely his fault.

DisforDarkChocolate · 24/05/2023 21:58

He's being a complete knob.

I'd organise another parent to help make it possible if I could. Your poor son, about to realise his Dad's more bothered about controlling you than his happiness.

CalendulaCate · 24/05/2023 21:57

What a tosser your husband is, a man-child, a useless man. I'm sure he enjoys the financial contribution you make to family life? Who raises such useless self centred twats? Loser.

Of course you can't cancel your work event, whatever for? Arrange with your neighbour to take your ds to the disco and bring him back.

Not helpful, but what was your husband like before you had children with him? 🤐

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 24/05/2023 21:57

PPs have covered what we all think of your DH so I'll leave that bit out.

Speak to a school mum and ask if they could please have him after school for tea and getting ready and then walk him home. In return you'll have hers one day when she wants you to. Your DS can take his change of clothes in his backpack and have fun with his friend while your DH is pouting.

bibbityboppityboo · 24/05/2023 21:57

It sounds like you're being punished for going to the work event - he can't stop you so he's trying to get to you through DS.

Definitely see if a neighbour can take him? Grandparent at all?