Work Event vs School Disco

Yanbu, your DH is being mean and controlling; punishing your DS because you’re away.

Does he have form for this sort of thing? Can a trusted friend or neighbour or DS’s friend’s parent take him to the disco? I don’t get why DH won’t take him if you live next door.

My DH was very unsure about asking a favour from someone else. But he soon understood that favours can work two ways, and someone has to be the first to ask. In a way, asking them for this (nice easy) favour makes it easier for them to feel they can ask a return favour in the future. There will be plenty of times in the future when sharing getting them places will make everyone's lives easier.

Alternatively, can you prime the neighbour to offer? "Hi, DS said your son couldn't make the disco because his mum's away. Can we take him?" He might feel less able to decline with a direct offer. It would certainly (if DS is around) put paid to the idea that it's you stopping him going.

Your husband is an assh*le. Make him your ex asap. He is using your innocent child as a weapon against you.

I think this is spot on!

What a horrible piece of work he is! He's trying to control you, and he doesn't care if it upsets your dc.

I don't think I could get over this, it's awful behaviour.

In the short term, I would still go on the trip. It's horrible for your dc, but they won't be scarred for life from missing the disco. Every time they ask you will have to be clear that unfortunately their dad doesn't want them to go and you are away.

You'll need your job, as surely you can't stay in a relationship like this?

Please come back and update us op, even if it's in 6 months time. @PineapplePrincess
I'm worried for you that you hadnt realised how abusive your relationship is and this has come as a shock.

Just organise your neighbour to take and pick up without consulting him. He can't exactly find something to be cross about if all that's required from him is to walk to the front door and open it twice.

This has nowt to do with the Disco, what an utter Knobster.

Your husband is an absolute cock.

I would be fucking fuming if my husband had this attitude.

What a petty, spiteful little man he is.

I don't know if I could have any respect left for him after this.

Fucking prick.

Just to add, I can very much imagine my exh doing this.

YANBU and your husband is being an absolute dick. He sounds emotionally abusive to be honest.

This would be a deal breaker for my marriage. He is making you feel guilty because he can't be arsed to parent his children. That would be the end of my respect for him, and thus the end of my marriage.

He should take DS to the disco, even if it means taking younger DC with him on both journeys. But you know that already.

In your shoes, I'd arrange for a friend to help DS access the disco, inform DH of the plan, go on your work trip, and then make a plan to leave my DH.

It's not always a big explosive thing that ends a marriage. The realisation that my DH could not parent his children for one night while I attended a work function would be a line for me.

Also - be prepared that he might try other ways of ruining this for you as you're going ahead and going...

Like claiming one of the DCs is sick and you need to rush to back
"Forgetting" to pick up the one from the nursery so you get a call (make sure nursery are aware you will be uncontactable and to ring DH)
Constantly ringing/texting you

Go to the work thing and then LTB.

What an utter utter controlling arsehole.

He sounds like a controlling bellend. He does want you to go so is using your child’s distress as a bargaining chip. You’ve proposed lots of alternatives and suggestions, this is important for your job and career.

is this the first time he’s done something like this?

Definitely NOT your fault. As previous posters said your husband is a twat. It is HIS fault.

Get neighbour to invite DS for a playdate and take him to disco afterwards and back, email the school ti let them know who's picking up Ds, and tell husband afterwards that it's all been arranged, DS has been invited by neighbour, her DS really wanted hours over so you couldn't decline.

In any case, your DS will be devastated if he doesn't go to the disco, but in the grand scheme of things it's a small thing, he'll be fine. Your work event is far more important, for your career and for you as a person. Definitely go. You need to learn to put yourself first sometimes. Also, if you don't go you will be teaching your husband that he can manipulate you like this - a very bad precedence.

Wow. I am incensed in your behalf Op. The way he is punishing your son in an effort to control you is absolutely awful. I wonder if you have spent the night thinking of all the other examples that have sprung to mind. The fact you were doubting yourself on this makes me think this is a pattern of behaviour that you've come to accept as normal. But it's not. Don't let him ruin this for you and your son x

What happens when he wants to go out. I'd assume you'd be expected to take ds to the disco.
I have no family nearby. My kids social life has depended on lift swaps and favours and dh doing his bit.
I'm going out for drinks tomorrow. Dh or a friend will pick dd up from a party. Not a big issue.

This is so spiteful of him.
Im so sorry that your husband is so awful.

How does he behave if you want to go out for dinner or drinks with friends for an evening?
What if you wanted to go away for a weekend with your friends?
Is he generally controlling?

Wow.

It isn't often you can read a snapshot of one tiny event in a persons life, and it show so much.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E

Literally start the ball rolling today.

He is spiteful. He is controlling. He is selfish. He is mean. He is prepared to deliberately withhold something from your son, to make you do something. That is absolutely and utterly abhorrent.

Almost regardless of the logistics, you and your children will be a billion times happier and have a better future without him in your lives.

Further to the op update about her husband refusing to countenance a neighbour helping out- I think
you need to make the school aware that the neighbour has permission
to pick up and also generally make the school aware that the husband is being abusive.

What!! Is he that much of a pathetic human being that he can’t walk his son next door for a school disco or at least let the neighbour take him ?
Could your ds go to tea with his friend and have a change of clothes there? Surely, if you’ve organised this then he can’t complain, if it is ‘your’ fault that your son can’t go, make plans so that he can.
Why don’t you suggest that you abandon your career, stay at home and put your pinafore on just so that your son can attend the disco - just because he can’t be arsed to let him attend.
For some reason this is making my blood boil. I know some hopeless parents through my job, but have not seen any of them do this! Your poor ds. I feel so sorry for him. Great male role model!

What a dickhead. Most of us mum have managed that and more with our kids - what's wrong with him?

Mine would behave the same as this. He is trying to make you not want to go to your work thing, or at least say no to the next one. You have to go. Lean on friends to organise the disco. He needs to see that he can’t control you or the situation. He won’t be happy but stand your ground. That’s my advice.

Soery but What an a** you and your kids deserve better