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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not paying for schoolbag

67 replies

Another2022 · 24/05/2023 18:41

Need a sense check please.

My daughter needed a new schoolbag, it broke yesterday. I said I’d get her one when I got paid tomorrow and offered her another (less cool obvs) bag to use for a couple of days.

His evening my ex took my daughter out and bought her a bag. I wasn’t asked about budget or what bag she was getting. Daughter gets back and says ex wants me to pay for the bag. I’ve said no as I wasn’t even asked how much I could afford etc…

AIBU not to pay for the bag?

Ex has form for buying stuff without telling me and then expecting me to pay half of it. Tbf, it’s all stuff that needs to be bought but it takes the control of my own budget away from me.

OP posts:
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Nicecow · 26/05/2023 12:20

Sartre · 26/05/2023 11:50

Wow, what a prince among men…

He’s her Dad, he should want to buy her things. There’s no way he should purchase anything for her and expect you to reimburse him, you both created her so there’s equal responsibility to pay for her.

I thought the same. How depressing for the poor child, I wonder how it makes her feel even being in this situation 😕

BadNomad · 26/05/2023 11:56

Sartre · 26/05/2023 11:50

Wow, what a prince among men…

He’s her Dad, he should want to buy her things. There’s no way he should purchase anything for her and expect you to reimburse him, you both created her so there’s equal responsibility to pay for her.

Dad was going to buy her a bag and pay for it himself, but mum went and bought it and is now demanding money for it.

What a princess among women eh?

Sartre · 26/05/2023 11:50

Wow, what a prince among men…

He’s her Dad, he should want to buy her things. There’s no way he should purchase anything for her and expect you to reimburse him, you both created her so there’s equal responsibility to pay for her.

Heyaa · 26/05/2023 11:34

Don’t pay or he’ll do it with someone else next

Spiderboy · 26/05/2023 10:58

Just offer half surely? Sometimes kids need things I don’t budget for, I just have to juggle it and make it work as best I can.

drpet49 · 26/05/2023 10:52

Smartiepants79 · 24/05/2023 18:48

A favour?? He’s bought his OWN child a bag that she needs! That’s not a favour, that’s parenting.
If he couldn’t afford it he should have said no.
The OP should not be forced to pay out money she can’t really afford.
She had a plan and a budget.
Say no OP!!

Show quote history

This! How pathetic the father is so pathetic to argue over the cost of a school bag that his daughter needs.

Iyiyiiii · 25/05/2023 09:21

changewhale · 24/05/2023 21:08

Interesting how many posters assumed the ex was "he".

Anyway. My DSD did something similar in her early teens so I'd not be so sure she isn't trying to play games to get out of using the "uncool" bag

based on mumsnet mainly being a female site, a lot of women have children with men, therefore it was reasonable to assume the OP was female and the Ex was male

With this in mind, it makes no difference at all which sex is which - Ex has behaved badly and does not get to spend the OPs money

BodenCardiganNot · 25/05/2023 09:04

@SparklyBlackKitten
The OP is a man. The ex is a woman.
He has paid half.

SparklyBlackKitten · 25/05/2023 08:57

Tell him you are not paying half.
You will pay him 25%
As you can't afford anymore

And the next time he needs to communicate with you FIRST because of budget reasons

And you wont reimburse im otherwise

BibbleandSqwauk · 25/05/2023 08:52

If it's close to 50/50 then presumably not much maintenance is going over? Which is absolutely fine if you can hand on heart say you share most expenses evenly, uniform, kit, shoes, spending money, phone contracts etc. If you do, then I would imagine odd one offs like this would also be fairly even and I'd have said well I'll get the next one. Either way, you absolutely should have been asked first though.

Original poster
Another2022 · 25/05/2023 08:38

It’s 60/40 her way. I’d love it to be 50/50 (and in practice it kinda is…this weekend will be the 4th weekend in a row they’ve been with me for example cos she’s been busy and I’ve got them all next week cos of her hobby) but she won’t allow it. Not sure if it makes much of a difference tbh. Even if I was a eow dad then I’d still need asking before my money was spent.

Emotional responsibility? Surely that’s shared anyway?

As it turns out she did ask me directly for ‘half or more’ of the cost this morning. Now I’m paid (yay!) I sent her half of it and asked her to agree spend with me first in future so I can keep control of my budget.

OP posts:
Hermanfromguesswho · 25/05/2023 08:05

I DO think it changes things that OP
is Dad and the ex is Mum.
Going on the assumption that OP is resident parent and pays for everything usually with a (usually) small contribution from the ex has coloured all the responses.
if this OP is in that situation (he is resident parent and bears the majority of the costs and responsibilities) then fair enough, the sexes don’t matter.
But if Mum is resident parent and pays for most things, then Dad offers to buy a bag but says ‘later when I get paid’ then I think it’s a different situation and more than fair if Mum buys the bag sooner so that the child doesn’t go without (and OP admits it’s a reasonable price, what they’d usually spend) and ask for half back.
can OP clarify the situation in terms of who bears the bulk of financial and emotional responsibility?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/05/2023 07:55

Darkstar4855 · 25/05/2023 07:48

You need to be firm on this or he will keep doing it. If he wants money from you towards something then it needs to be agreed in advance, and the same vice versa. Or he buys her what he wants but it comes out of his pocket. Calmly repeat as many times as necessary.

OP's ex is female.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/05/2023 07:55

IamnotSethRogan · 25/05/2023 07:12

It's just a bit petty. I'm sure you buy plenty of things and don't request half the money from him ?

Maybe tell him you can call.itnevem based on whatever you've bought recently

OP's ex is female.

Darkstar4855 · 25/05/2023 07:48

You need to be firm on this or he will keep doing it. If he wants money from you towards something then it needs to be agreed in advance, and the same vice versa. Or he buys her what he wants but it comes out of his pocket. Calmly repeat as many times as necessary.

IamnotSethRogan · 25/05/2023 07:12

It's just a bit petty. I'm sure you buy plenty of things and don't request half the money from him ?

Maybe tell him you can call.itnevem based on whatever you've bought recently

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/05/2023 07:12

YANBU.

If your ex chose to spend her money on a new bag for DD, that's her decision and nothing to do with you.

If she wanted to split the costs, she should have spoken to you beforehand.

HoneyDragon · 25/05/2023 07:03

Who purchased the school bag that broke? If it was you and you paid it in full, then state your ex can get this one this time, and you’ll get the next. If they object ask for a retrospective payment for the last bag.

You need to communicate better though or your dd will run rings around the pair of you over stuff she “needs”.

BibbleandSqwauk · 25/05/2023 06:57

The sexes really don't matter. It doesn't change the basic point that you don't spend someone else's money without asking them.... just like the thread the other day whose ex booked holiday and assumed the op would cover the childcare on his usual days, without asking her. Assuming in this case the ex is the NRP and they pay maintenance (which won't cover 50% of costs as it rarely comes anywhere close) then they are a pretty crap parent if they won't buy the odd one off thing over and above that and the op absolutely should not be reimbursing him. I also agree that this is a bad example for the DD who has gone "round" one parent so the other gets to look like the hero.

powerrangers · 24/05/2023 23:24

2bazookas · 24/05/2023 21:47

"Remember to thank kind Daddy for his present."

Of course you don't pay him for it. When you stop paying he'll stop doing this.

You've got the sexes wrong

Iyiyiiii · 24/05/2023 22:45

BadNomad · 24/05/2023 21:50

It's funny how so many people are telling the OP to not pay anything just because they think the ex is the father.

Like I said before, ex doesn't get to spend ops money

Soontobe60 · 24/05/2023 22:06

Another2022 · 24/05/2023 19:37

Thanks for you’re comments!

The cost is around what I would pay and no, I wouldn’t have asked for any money towards it.

Think I was doing the right thing, just a shame I’m now the bad guy in my daughters eyes.

So now you know - next time you buy her something she needs, get half the money off him first!

Hesma · 24/05/2023 22:02

Personally I think it’s pathetic that you two can’t just talk for the sake of your DD.

Guavafish1 · 24/05/2023 21:58

Depends on the price and how much you can afford.

I think pay what you can afford

changewhale · 24/05/2023 21:54

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 24/05/2023 21:51

Interesting how many posters assumed the ex was "he".

I thought it was a he because the OP said,

”His evening my ex took my daughter out and bought her a bag.”

I though it was the OP referring to it being ‘his’ evening to have the child.

Ah right I saw it as a typo but yeah that makes sense

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