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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sneaky mums

157 replies

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:03

I don’t want to be too outing here so NC. I have a 1 year old DC and met a group of mums at NCT in pregnancy, we got on really well although I always felt like a bit of an odd one out (me and my partner had our DC unplanned, had been together the least amount of time and I am the youngest).

During mat leave we all met up very frequently and had a group chat going which was always very active. I struggled a lot in the early days and had a traumatic birth and found the group of new friends priceless as I had no other mum friends who I could speak to about my worries and anxieties, I really thought I’d hit the jackpot with friends here.

fast forward a year and me and my DC have walked into a cafe and have seen them all sat there laughing and joking…. I approached them and was met with awkwardness, stuttering and just sheer embarrassment. It was clear they had planned behind my back and left me out. When questioning them later it turns out they’ve basically said I moan about my problems too much.

is this really my fault? Have I been unlucky and met a group of horrible women? Is my DC going to loose friends in the future because of me and my ways?

OP posts:
NameChangeSorryNotSorry · 23/05/2023 20:24

I’m sorry OP. It’s hard. They could be a cliquey bitchy group of people and just want a more light hearted atmosphere and left you out- that’s unkind and shame on them.
Or…maybe you have been quite hard to be around in the past? If every conversation is consumed by anxiety and stress and baby woes it could be wearing when it’s a new friendship not a long standing thing. Most parents worry and being around someone who perpetuates that can be stressful.
Only you know what you’re like and the situation.

GoalShooter · 23/05/2023 20:23

OP I really feel for you - both for the stressful time you went through and for this recent discovery. It does sound like maybe you expected a bit more from these friends than they were able to give.

Emmamoo89 · 23/05/2023 20:23

Sounds like you need to get better friends. Ignore the first comment. Hope you're okay x

Bugalogaloo · 23/05/2023 20:21

Just saw your update. That’s really tough OP. Might be worth getting some professional support?

Bugalogaloo · 23/05/2023 20:20

Sorry you’ve had a tough time OP. Well done for tackling it and asking.

It’s really hard to give you advice without knowing you. It could be that you talk to much about your own problems and don’t listen to others and that will mean you will lose all but the very kind and thoughtful friends. But everyone has a level at which they can’t listen and support more without getting something back.

It might be that you moan an average amount but they have low tolerance or are just cut off emotionally and don’t want to hear about others problems.

Only you will know for sure. I have a lot going on in my life at the moment and I pick and chose which friends to offload to and I try and mix having a good old moan with asking about them, listening carefully and supporting them and mix in a bit of frivolous chat in too (E.G. what I’ve been watching on TV for example).

Not sure if that helps. If you have some trauma responses from the birth it might be worth asking for a referral for support via your GP.

Sorry this all happened to you OP. Must have been upsetting.

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:19

Even as first time mums when the whole point of these groups is to provide support/ friends for support? I spent the first 2 months of my DC life in high dependency in a tertiary level hospital, we thought we were going to lose him- it’s given me major health anxiety. I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me.

OP posts:
AndTheSurveySays · 23/05/2023 20:16

No one likes a moaner.

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