Sneaky mums

I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me.

But they aren't counsellors or therapists! You can't use people to sound off at about all your issues, you don't know what they are going through themselves.

I have to be totally honest, I’m not sure I would know what to say if a casual friend announced “I’m really worried about the future due to what I know about my DC health” in a group chat. I would do my best to be supportive, but that’s more the sort of conversation I’d expect to be having in person with one of my best friends.

Or “I’m really worried about the future due to what I know about my DC health” it was never very heavy
On the contrary OP, that sounds immensely heavy to me. Not being harsh in any way, just giving you another perspective.

and I would have always listened if they had the same/ any concerns.
But they didn’t lean on you in the same way you leant on them? That’s the difference. The relationship became unequal.

You would like you have good friends elsewhere.

Like others, this is the line that stood out to me:

I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me.*
*
It certainly isn't their job to do that. Definitely provide a listening ear occasionally and check in to ask if you are ok etc. but generally groups of new mum friends are a superficial way of staying connected with people, moaning about lack of sleep and getting tips about weaning etc. Then closer friendships might develop after that.

That must have been horrible for you OP, both your little ones start in life and seeing them all meeting up without you. Obviously none of us were there to see your previous interactions but, kindly, it does seem maybe you were leaning too heavily on them.

Sorry, but this. You have to be conscious of it as you becoming draining to others. Who wants to be around someone negative all the time?

NCT is great for the start, but a year on people start drifting apart as they go back to work. I became close "proper" friends with 2 of my NCT group, and the others I still see every so often and have a chat, but am no longer true friends with.

Importantly though OP, it is NOT their job to support you. As someone who also suffers badly from anxiety, and meant in the kindest way, you need to find a way of managing your mental health so it doesn't impact on those around you. A therapist can help you learn techniques to lessen the feelings. At least they were honest and you seem to accept you do lean on them heavily. You might be able to resurrect the relationship by sending a message to all mentioning your anxiety, explaining you are seeking help professionally and suggesting a fun meet up for the babies (no moaning allowed). It is worth a shot if you like them all.

Sounds like you’ve had a really hard time OP, and I’m really sorry to hear that.

It sounds like inadvertently, you’ve ended up using them too much as support and therapy for you, rather than having a mutually supportive relationship, with light hearted times also thrown in. It can be hard if you want a bit of light relief and it turns into some one’s therapy session.

Its really rubbish for you - and it sounds like it was very hurtful - but it’s what life is like unfortunately

People should be grown up enough to realise how difficult a time you have been having.

Moaning isn’t really the right word for how you may have been talking about your experiences. They should have dug a bit deeper and included you. They may realise this one day.

Don’t reflect on their feedback. Enjoy your baby. New mates will come along.

Sorry that happened to you, I can see completely why you’re hurt. However it does sound like you leant on them a lot and perhaps it wasn’t a very equal friendship from their perspective. Even with a straightforward birth and easy baby, becoming a mother is like a bomb going off under your life. It’s great to have friends to experience that with and share stories and the odd tear as well as lots of laughs, but very few women who have just become mums themselves will be in a position to provide significant emotional support to someone else who is really seriously struggling. Especially someone they have only recently met and where the only basis for the friendship is mutual pregnancy.

The fact that they were embarrassed and were later honest about the reasons makes me think they’re not nasty or bitchy mean girls. They probably just don’t feel able to provide the significant support you feel you need. And I can see why they might want to meet up and have fun and not be dragged down by a lot of negativity and counselling you. There are more appropriate outlets for your issues and it’s not fair to put so much on a group of other new mums.

Perhaps you can reach out to some other sources of support, then speak to them and apologise for leaning on them quite so much and explain that you’ve just been having a really hard time but value their friendship and would like to hang out still. Then try and see those get together a as a chance to have a laugh and enjoy the fun of mat leave, not as therapy sessions for yourself.

You clearly need support, as would anyone after what you’ve been through, but new NCT friendships aren’t an appropriate primary form of support. Good luck, I hope you can bounce back from this and not let it knock your confidence too much. We’ve all misjudged social situations before, don’t beat yourself up.

They might not be very nice. Just because you are the only one left out, it doesn't mean you are the problem. It is probably one Mum leading the narrative and then the rest are convinced. I had something similar at university. I was asked to move in with these 'friends' in the first year and then in the 2nd year they asked me to move out. Basically, we were very different, I was arty and liked alternative music, they liked dressing up in heels and tons of make up on Friday night and Dance music. The main issue was really that when I went away for the week one of the girls slept with my boyfriend - it wasn't serious but it annoyed me as although it takes two to tango she had flirted with him in the flat for weeks. She lead the campaign to get rid of me as naturally I didn't think much of her. She got her loyal sidekick and the other girl in the flat had no backbone and just went with the flow as they bullied her. I would defend her when they did this but when it came down to it she couldn't develop a voice to take my side.

My experience has made me object to the notion that if everyone thinks it you are the common denominator and it is true as it is often not that, it is often the most arrogant individual spearheading the campaign. So no, get better friends I'm sure you weren't moaning, you were relaying a deeply traumatic experience to people who you thought would understand.

I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me.

That’s what paid therapists are for, not a group of NCT mums. NCT mums are for light chat and coffee, tips about baby sensory classes and moaning about the mess of baby-led weaning, walks in the park together, and somebody to talk to at soft play.

I feel for you, it sounds like you have had an absolutely terrible year, but this stuff is much too heavy to bring up with new acquaintances. Most NICUs do actually have professional counselling services, it might be worth seeing if you can access them?

I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me.

This could be coming across quite strongly to them and you’re wrong, they’re not there to reassure or help you.

They support each other just by sharing an experience and chatting about it, not by becoming each other’s counsellors.

If they’ve been inclusive up until now and you’ve been able to have an honest conversation where they’ve been able to tell you that your moaning was too much for them, they don’t sound like horrible people.

@NameChangeSorryNotSorry They could be a cliquey bitchy group of people and just want a more light hearted atmosphere and left you out- that’s unkind and shame on them.

Why shame on the mum for wanting a light hearted atmosphere though? People aren’t required to spend time with some who brings them down. There’s nothing wrong with them wanting a light hearted atmosphere.

I’m sorry you’ve been through the mill OP. Now that the tiny baby stages are over you might find yourselves drifting apart anyway- my experience has been for the most part that my group of baby-group mum friends kind of served a purpose (for one another) for a while but then as children grow and lives diverged - some of us went back to work, some didn’t etc - then we just had less in common. I think it was a bit mean of them to say you talk about your problems too much. Don’t worry, I’m sure this hurts but you’ll find your feet and better friends eventually.

Oh man, that was harsh. Poor you! Especially with NCT people who know exactly what you're going through. Hopefully there are some good people in that group who will reach out to you. If they don't, you have to move on and meet new Mum friends through play groups, church toddler groups, etc

Have you been speaking to them too much about your worries and anxieties?

You said they were laughing and joking and having a good time, would that have been the case if you were there? It sounds like perhaps not....

It's been a year since your DC was born, are they well now? Perhaps you need some counselling to help you through the trauma of your birth and what happened afterwards rather than repeating piling it onto friends who have probably long forgotten their births.

I think it’s pointless to have a poll. You aren’t being unreasonable for being upset but they aren’t being unreasonable to not want to spend that much time with you.
They’ve been honest about why so it might be best to take that on board rather than just making them out to be mean.

I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me

They're there to be friends, not therapists.

You've had a horrible experience with your little one but many people have horrible experiences throughout their lives and just don't want to hear about it when out and trying to have a nice time.

Do you have other friends?

Maybe reframe it as feedback to consider rather than criticism. You may evaluate and think you disagree but at least you've heard their side and not left wondering.

I have no idea if you did ask for too much but I'm sorry this has happened. It must be very painful.

That's not moaning, that's looking for a little support and empathy. I think you have to ask yourself if you really want to have them as friends.