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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sneaky mums

157 replies

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:03

I don’t want to be too outing here so NC. I have a 1 year old DC and met a group of mums at NCT in pregnancy, we got on really well although I always felt like a bit of an odd one out (me and my partner had our DC unplanned, had been together the least amount of time and I am the youngest).

During mat leave we all met up very frequently and had a group chat going which was always very active. I struggled a lot in the early days and had a traumatic birth and found the group of new friends priceless as I had no other mum friends who I could speak to about my worries and anxieties, I really thought I’d hit the jackpot with friends here.

fast forward a year and me and my DC have walked into a cafe and have seen them all sat there laughing and joking…. I approached them and was met with awkwardness, stuttering and just sheer embarrassment. It was clear they had planned behind my back and left me out. When questioning them later it turns out they’ve basically said I moan about my problems too much.

is this really my fault? Have I been unlucky and met a group of horrible women? Is my DC going to loose friends in the future because of me and my ways?

OP posts:
Lucy377 · 23/05/2023 21:27

Well sorry this happened to you. It hurts. I had a similar situation. I had to look at it and realise that maybe, although I was included in the group, that my individual connections with people were not that strong.
I'd meet as a group but rarely meet just one of them for a coffee one to one. With WhatsApp nowadays that happens more easily. We can 'coast' on the edges and avoid taking friendship 'risks' by getting to know individual people better. Before we had group chats on our phones, someone, an individual would have to ring or text you and vice versa.
So don't be too hard in yourself. But also, look at cultivating and feeding your friendships a bit more. Focus on a few one to one chats rather than the big group.
You will be rewarded for that hopefully. Best of luck. Being a mum at home is lonely, but that stage doesn't last forever so take heart 😊

JudgeRudy · 23/05/2023 21:24

It's maybe something in the middle. Perhaps you had a lot to contend with but also have a negative outlook. It can be very draining bring around negative people znd they don't seem to pick up on when you've lost interest.

Theypickedhim · 23/05/2023 21:23

Really sorry this happened to you, sounds horrible

Think of it like work colleagues
For awhile you had the same job (being on mat leave) and all got along
Now that stage has passed, you have left the job and will find new colleagues, different friends - especially when your DC starts nursery or school

Yuja · 23/05/2023 21:20

I feel for you op, whether you are a 'moaner' or not, it's a bit playground-bitchy to leave 1 person out of a group meet up deliberately. That must feel horrible. Fwiw my NCT group were good to know at the start, but I made proper friends at a totally different, relaxed baby group at the children's centre. In your shoes I wouldn't dwell on this, but if you have any time at home with your DC try and go to a different toddler group/swim class/whatever as you may meet some other mums there.

dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway · 23/05/2023 21:16

What exactly is the point of NCT groups?

The classes are shite.

So if we're not allowed to lean on each other for support, why bother??

Anybody here considering NCT: save your money.

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 21:14

DMLady · 23/05/2023 21:11

I feel you’re getting a hard time on here, OP. But I can understand where you’re coming from — and I’d be hurt too. It doesn’t mean it’s you though — perhaps they just clicked in a way you & they haven’t (which could be for all kinds of reasons). It’s also possible that they’re just not very nice/understanding and you’re better off without them…

Totally agree haha- feels very harsh some of these replies and not sure everyone has taken time to read my updates.. oh well! Thank you for your reply, I have since met a lovely friend at soft play & another at the barbers whilst getting my DC first hair cut!

OP posts:
EmptyBedBlues · 23/05/2023 21:14

SunnyFrost · 23/05/2023 20:42

Sorry that happened to you, I can see completely why you’re hurt. However it does sound like you leant on them a lot and perhaps it wasn’t a very equal friendship from their perspective. Even with a straightforward birth and easy baby, becoming a mother is like a bomb going off under your life. It’s great to have friends to experience that with and share stories and the odd tear as well as lots of laughs, but very few women who have just become mums themselves will be in a position to provide significant emotional support to someone else who is really seriously struggling. Especially someone they have only recently met and where the only basis for the friendship is mutual pregnancy.

The fact that they were embarrassed and were later honest about the reasons makes me think they’re not nasty or bitchy mean girls. They probably just don’t feel able to provide the significant support you feel you need. And I can see why they might want to meet up and have fun and not be dragged down by a lot of negativity and counselling you. There are more appropriate outlets for your issues and it’s not fair to put so much on a group of other new mums.

Perhaps you can reach out to some other sources of support, then speak to them and apologise for leaning on them quite so much and explain that you’ve just been having a really hard time but value their friendship and would like to hang out still. Then try and see those get together a as a chance to have a laugh and enjoy the fun of mat leave, not as therapy sessions for yourself.

You clearly need support, as would anyone after what you’ve been through, but new NCT friendships aren’t an appropriate primary form of support. Good luck, I hope you can bounce back from this and not let it knock your confidence too much. We’ve all misjudged social situations before, don’t beat yourself up.

Good post, @SunnyFrost. The thing with NCT groups is that you barely know one another’s names before the handgrenade that is even a straightforward birth and newborn stage happens — they’re not the place for deep support, because everyone is strung out and virtual strangers. I had a really tough time, and one of my NCT group nearly died giving birth (was in a coma for a week), but neither of us went to the group for support. That was a combination of professional support, old friends and family, not brand-new acquaintances. I know some NCT groups become close friends, but we didn’t really gel.

Best wishes, and don’t let it knock your confidence, OP.

EllandRd · 23/05/2023 21:12

Best of without them, surround yourself with people want to be with you, you will meet lots of new friends at play groups etc,

DMLady · 23/05/2023 21:11

I feel you’re getting a hard time on here, OP. But I can understand where you’re coming from — and I’d be hurt too. It doesn’t mean it’s you though — perhaps they just clicked in a way you & they haven’t (which could be for all kinds of reasons). It’s also possible that they’re just not very nice/understanding and you’re better off without them…

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 21:09

EllandRd · 23/05/2023 21:05

I apologise for my other post OP, just rest your update and like others thought the same. Hopefully you calling them out will make them think before treating you like that again.

Thank you for your reply. I maybe should have been a bit clearer in my original post. I hasn’t heard anything from them until I messaged first and I think if I hadn’t of texted, there would have been no further communication. I said my piece which included a few “I’m sorry if I came across as too much etc” but again nothing more has been said. I maybe shouldn’t have mentioned these were NCT friends either as I really did see it as more then that, like I said we went to a wedding, they were on the guest list for mine and we were also discussing a UK break all together. Also enjoyed many baby free nights out which I must add only included fun and happiness!!

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 23/05/2023 21:09

I think things like NCT groups can have really odd dynamics, because you’re thrown together with a random bunch of people. it’s almost impossible for a group randomly thrown together to stay working over the long term…I think it’s fairly normal for things to drift and for some people to connect more than others, although maybe it’s not usually as dramatic this. Also often groups like this have odd hierarchies with Someone almost running them or becoming dominant. That can sometimes affect relationships.

I do think it might be worth being mindful of how you vent and share frustration. I had PPD after my daughter and I lost a couple of friends around that time. I think that’s because I was very negative a lot when we met up. I also think a group of other mums, who are probably also struggling with lack of sleep etc, aren’t going to have the best resilience to be there for someone else.

As for your comments about if it’ll affect you child’s friendships. It won’t make a difference, once they get older they’re friends with who they’re friends with.

If I were you I’d write them off. Be mindful of mixing up the sharing of woes with being more positive and put focus on to other friendships and social opportunities.

EllandRd · 23/05/2023 21:05

I apologise for my other post OP, just rest your update and like others thought the same. Hopefully you calling them out will make them think before treating you like that again.

Wildlyboring · 23/05/2023 21:03

Ah OP they sound unkind and bitchy, much like a good few on this thread. Cut ties and move on, life's too short for sneaky fair weather friends.

dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway · 23/05/2023 21:03

GCalltheway · 23/05/2023 20:57

Most NCT groups go this way op. They become competitive, mean and tribal. They are not friends, you just happened to have a baby at the same time.

Any decent person would not have agreed to be so unkind and meet without you.

Drop then immediately without a single word, and let them wrestle with their consciences. You might find a few come to you to apologise. It will implode in its own time, at least this way you can invest your time in real friendships.

THIS!

My NCT group did something similar. I never asked why they did it.

But then, who fucking cares? It's a nasty thing to do.

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 21:01

I totally get what people are saying. No they aren’t therapists and they’re to sit and listen to my concerns as so many of you have pointed out. But surely saying something to me first and letting me know I’m “draining” is much better than purposely excluding someone. Being a young first time mum is tough, I looked up to them a bit. I shouldn’t have.

OP posts:
GCalltheway · 23/05/2023 21:00

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:58

Yes I have totally cut ties with them. Their silence mixed with hostile and quite frankly rude replies was the icing on the cake.

This is the way to go. In hindsight, you might look back and see the intensity of this stage and the struggles.

SummerHouse · 23/05/2023 20:59

They are fucking arseholes.

I was in a group where self appointed leader said "Let's not invite X. X talks about herself too much." Everyone agreed. I ditched the lot of them. No regrets. I have my people. You will find your people. Don't settle for arseholes like this.

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:59

coxesorangepippin · 23/05/2023 20:58

Why would they be there to reassure you?? Why would you expect that??

I know it's tough but friendships are give and take

Because they had said multiple times there are always there to listen, reassure and help me in any way they can. And actively encouraged me to speak about my worries.

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 23/05/2023 20:58

Why would they be there to reassure you?? Why would you expect that??

I know it's tough but friendships are give and take

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:58

Yes I have totally cut ties with them. Their silence mixed with hostile and quite frankly rude replies was the icing on the cake.

OP posts:
catsnore · 23/05/2023 20:57

These groups are a bit artificial, tho, aren't they? Just a bunch of strangers chucked together because you all happened to have babies at roughly the same time. They were a good source of support when you needed it but now they feel the need to move on? It's awful they didn't include you tho, and very hurtful to discover it like that.

If it makes you feel any better, I met a lovely woman through a baby group and we supported each other through many things for the first six months of our baby's lives. We had a lot in common and it felt like we really clicked, we'd message almost daily etc. She then went back to work and I hardly saw her again, then she moved and completely cut contact with everyone from the baby group. I thought we'd be friends for ages and our kids would meet for play dates and stuff.

Ah well. Some people come and go from your life and serve a purpose at the time. You need new baby friends now - start doing other baby stuff/groups and try and find your people x

GCalltheway · 23/05/2023 20:57

Most NCT groups go this way op. They become competitive, mean and tribal. They are not friends, you just happened to have a baby at the same time.

Any decent person would not have agreed to be so unkind and meet without you.

Drop then immediately without a single word, and let them wrestle with their consciences. You might find a few come to you to apologise. It will implode in its own time, at least this way you can invest your time in real friendships.

Sissynova · 23/05/2023 20:56

“I’m really worried about the future due to what I know about my DC health” it was never very heavy

“ah I’m really struggling today”!

Honestly stuff like that is heavy. Look we don’t actually know the extent to which you’re saying these things, but you’ve had people voice that it’s too much. It’s your choice as to whether you want to reflect on that or not.

There’s a girl in my antenatal whatsapp group and honestly I tune her out and don’t actively seek to see her in person. I’ve not voiced it to anyone else so I don’t know if I’m the only one but the health anxiety is so intense and so draining. It’s just too much for me.

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:56

A few people have mentioned that at least they messaged me, no. I had to message them first and ask what I did wrong… only got a reply out of 2 of the 3 which was hostile to say the least. The third one I still haven’t heard a thing from.

OP posts:
EllandRd · 23/05/2023 20:55

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:19

Even as first time mums when the whole point of these groups is to provide support/ friends for support? I spent the first 2 months of my DC life in high dependency in a tertiary level hospital, we thought we were going to lose him- it’s given me major health anxiety. I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me.

Perhaps they are tired of hearing about your constant issues and moaning, they are not counsellors, it's a meet up to relax, I am sorry you are struggling but perhaps you may need some extra support from professionals not a bunch of mums who are drained listening to you.

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