Sneaky mums

Ohhh I know this wasn't directed at me but thank you !! I needed a decent tv series to watch !

Your post reminded me of my friend's experience, catguru. Tragically, her baby died when he was 6 weeks. A few months later she was talking to one of her NCT 'friends' over the phone who mentioned they were all having a meet up. My friend asked if she could go and was told no because it would 'upset them too much'.

As others say, you will make other friends. They reacted badly because they realised they had behaved hurtfully.

Sorry for what you've been through OP.
There's a reason I chose not to do NCT. I thought despite the benefits, it would be full of cliques and bitchiness- meaning no offense to anyone.

I think you were expecting too much of these women , honestly. They aren't therapists. I feel for you as I had a difficult first year with DD and hurrendous PND and I know everyone -especially new mums- need someone to rant to who they can trust. I'm not sure I was a barrell of laughs to be around in those days, and , very gently- perhaps you weren't either. These women are not right to be your friends, let them go. Don't message again. You don't need to worry about it or see it as a personal attack- easier said than done I know.

Give yourself time, and get out there when you feel ready. You will meet other mums in time. Have you got a close friend/family member you can trust, to talk to in the meantime?

Wow. I CANNOT believe the responses here.

First of all OP I'm so sorry you had a traumatic birth and then a traumatic time post delivery.

I had a traumatic birth and then got psychosis afterwards and was separated from my DS one week after he was born and then spent his age 2-6 weeks in a specialist mother and baby unit for mental health issues post birth.

Whatever happened to women being kind to other women?

My DS is now 9 weeks and was born in March so this all very recent for me.

I posted in my NCT group about what was going on for me because I needed the support. At the time I got very positive responses but I agree with the person who wrote that people in these new mum groups don't like the tone getting too scary and may want to avoid "serious chats".

I think it's complete BS. We should all be honest about how hard it is being a new mum. I've really struggled even though having Bipolar I knew I would and was told repeatedly I was more at risk.

It doesn't matter what your situation is, being kind to someone who is expressing they are struggling is always better than calling them a "moaner". Tbh these women sound awful. I'm fiery so would have lost my shit but probably snapped at their seemingly fakeness earlier on.

My situation is a I DM'd the three mums from our NCT main group to say I wasn't feeling the "vibe" of the main group, all positive everything is 10/10 rainbows bla bla expensive toys prams venues for meet ups and those three totally got it.

I know myself that 1/1s are better for me right now because I'm sensitive, loving being a mum but very fragile.

In your case you clearly had a lot of trauma and if these women didn't want to hear your story or support then they aren't worth your time.

Age is a number. I'm 32 but would have loved to have you in my group or even have met you locally to get support about traumatic births.

To all the people who replied to the OPs post unkindly please go and jump in a lake! :)

@Catguru if it helps we had a Amanda in our NCT group who literally tried to freeze out another mum because she said she was "bringing the mood down" and all this other mother had said (only one time) she was struggling breast feeding and this Amanda started setting up meetings and purposely excluding her 😵‍💫 certainly eye opening. I think most of us recognised it was just a power play, something she did because it made her feel big.

Honestly op though some people will bend over backwards to justify bad behaviour and not take accountability of their own.

You weren't the wrong shape, they just weren't a group you would be happy in. And speaking from one person who's just managed to escape one of these dreaded groups, some maybe in the group thinking right fuck this I'm off...

Wait until Dc is 4 seriously ❤️

Some people are just unable or unwilling to be honest with themselves or others.

And you don’t know people are ‘sitting at home snuggling their healthy newborn.’ In my case I would have been dealing with serious family issues, plus raising my older kids, one of whom has SEN, plus worrying about money. I had no extra energy to reply to a casual friend’s constant anxieties and worries.

It’s the same for everyone though. Everyone is dealing with things, and you don’t know what. Generally people don’t have an endless reserve to answer other people’s problems. OP feels what she was saying wasn’t heavy, but it was heavy.

Realistically you need to accept that other people have boundaries. They’re not there to ‘support and help’ you. Close friends may be able to support you on a reciprocal basis, but NCT group mums who you’ve become friendly with can’t act as a support service for you.

And sometimes people have a fuck-ton more shit to deal with that others at any given time. If someone I was friends with had a baby in NiCU for 2 months, the very least I could do would be to give a bit of sympathy. Especially if I was sitting at home snuggling my healthy newborn.

@Catguru if you're watching Motherland I also recommend watching Pramface on bbc3. It's another nice easy to watch series on pregnancy/mum life that made me feel like I wasn't crazy 💗

I did read your updates. But I still think friends you meet at NCT type groups generally just want a light hearted relationship. I know you say you didn’t moan more than anyone else and maybe you didn’t, but it seems like they think or feel that you did. Sometimes I think when people get into a negative spiral they can struggle to see how negative they are.

Very upsetting. Still loads of people move areas after having first we did as did most of my nct group so we scattered to the four winds. Parenting a long game there are lots of other ways to meet more like minded parents.

This is exactly what I wish someone had said to me those first few years!

I don't think you have done anything wrong OP. My NCT group was exactly the same at the beginning - it was a lifesaver. We would text each other in the middle of the night to moan about being awake and would discuss all our struggles - it felt like a very strong bond. That's the whole point of it - to go through the experience as a first-time parent with people who are in exactly the same situation as you. But that feeling can fade with time and circumstances unfortunately. And if there is a ring-leader in your group who has decided you don't fit the bill anymore, it may be that that's why things have soured. Try not to take it to heart, although I know it's hard. I only see one of the other mothers from my NCT group now - we were all very different people who were brought together for a purpose, but who drifted apart once we found our feet and didn't need each other anymore. I made a new group of mum friends through baby groups and we see each other a lot and have much more in common. Hope things work out for you too.

Sorry you've had such a poor experience, I really feel for you.
I had a lot of birth trauma resulting in ptsd after my first baby and I had similar experiences to what you've described. I know how devastating it felt to be left out by people I thought were friends.
Please don't let your thoughts run away with you. Your child will not lose friends because of you, of course he won't. He will find plenty of friends in his next few years through preschool activities, nursery, school etc
You will also find friends through those things and this will all be a distant memory.
Do seek support for your own trauma though if you feel it might help. Some things need proper support like counselling rather than just unloading to friends.
Good luck ❤️❤️

I honestly can't get my head round how uncaring they all are after what you went through.

If you value their friendship, take what they said and use it to grow. You could say yes I was going through the mill it's been a real trial but we're out of it now. Thanks for being honest. See what happens. Some women are bitchy and women sheep look up to them. Maybe you found a group with one or two bitches and a flock of sheep which is why you were met with squeaky bums rather than sugar sweet f-off vibes.

Sorry you’ve had such a hard time OP. Ignore people calling you a moaner or any such thing - they are unhelpful and ignorant as they don’t know anything about you! As for your alleged friends forget them, they aren’t worth your time.

You have my 100% sympathy, OP. NCT is a weird thing because there is an expectation you will all be super close best friends forever and you go through this intense life experience at the same time, but sometimes that’s all you have in common and sometimes it
just doesn’t work out. Maybe you had too high an expectation of the friendship given you hadn’t known them very long, but seeing everything you went through I don’t blame you. I would have been very upset if that happened to me.

I think it must be really hard and upsetting for you, but I can see their point. To me NCT or baby group friends are more friendly acquaintances. If they messaged me things like ‘I’m really worried for DS future because of health anxiety’ and ‘another sleepless night ffs’ I wouldn’t know what to say really. I’d feel awkward, and it would bring my mood down if I’m honest. For a close friend I’ll accept it and support them when necessary, but sometimes I think people expect too much from other people. Most of us are just trying to support ourselves and our own mental health and don’t have an endless well of support for other people.

NCT groups and what'sup groups are literally where personalities go to die because it's a pressure cooker. The relationships can seem extra special but actually it's the transition into motherhood that's special. Not these turnips.

If they didn't like you, they could have been adult about it and said something. If you were that bad and "moany" someone could have said hey can we keep this more light hearted ect. Before anyone @ me not saying anything creates more drama than saying something. If your brave enough to exclude someone your brave enough to say why. It's not the behaviour you would typically see in fully fledged adults.

You had a baby at the same time, their words and actions are more a reflection on their character , than yours.

I know it stings now but I promise you by the time your child's 4, your Dc will have lots of friends and these people probably won't talk. Don't worry about people who get their ego stroked by excluding another human and not having the balls to at least tell the person.

If you need a laugh the tv series motherland is amazing !