Sneaky mums

Honestly this sounds like it could have been either one or two options and only you know which is accurate.

1. they’re all mean horrible people who were rude to exclude you and did it because of nasty reasons

or
2) you were overloading the group chat with negative energy whether intentionally or not and they didn’t want to meet up with you in case you brought the meeting down as they wanted it to be light-hearted

I can’t say which one of the two it is. I suspect if two of the women out of three messaged to tell you it’s because you’re always moaning- there may be some truth in that.

Honestly sometimes you just don’t want to deal with negative people and the connection you all had was flimsy at best. So they probably didn’t want to deal with it. I know it’s harsh but they’re not there just to reassure and support you. That expectation right there is where you went off.

It does sound like you’ve had a tough time and need support from real friends or people who have been in similar positions.

OP, that's a horrible thing to happen, but I can see how you can have a miscommunication like that with new friends, who then don't know you well enough to say, hang on you're not the only one here struggling right now, and so it's easier to just cut you out. Doesn't matter that you may have had the 'hardest' birth - someone might be massively struggling with a refluxy baby who doesn't sleep, someone else with stitches that won't heal, someone else's relationship might be collapsing, but if you're not being supportive back, by not giving them any time to air what's going on for them because you're talking about you, you're being just as unsupportive as you think they are.

Bumping into them is not a bad thing. You could get back in - you could send the group apologising, saying that you've thought about what they said, they are right, on reflection you did talk about yourself too much, but you're getting counselling now and you would really like an opportunity to meet up with them again and promise not to be moany.

Then go and see them, but don't talk about yourself. Sit back a bit, and see what the group vibe is like - do you actually like them, what are they chatting about, what are they struggling with? They've met you at your worst - now it's time to show them you at your most friendly.

It's rare to get a second chance with new friends but you've got one. You never know as well, this brutally honest situation might be something you all end up laughing about in 20 years time, having become really close friends. Equally, you might meet them again and realise they aren't really your people. So I wouldn't flounce off thinking you're better off without them as some pp are saying, without giving each other one more chance.

If you end up in a larger group friendship in the future try to make sure there are at least two or three who you have a proper deeper connection with away from the group.

Dd started secondary and made a new “friendship” group. Her shoelace came undone and none of them waited for her. She came home ans wisely said “then I realised none of them were really my friends mummy”. So she binned them and found a much nicer group.

The problem is that first time mums to newborns don’t have a lot in their cup to give to others. I remember how much I struggled and I couldn’t provide much support to anyone except ranting over coffee about how tired I was and my nipples hurt.

@candlesflamesandbrooms enjoy! The episode in season 2 where she's lonely and looking for mum friends always made me cry cos I felt exactly like that when my son was a baby. He's 12 now and full of sarcasm and sweetness and we have friends but I always remember the isolating loneliness of being a mum of a baby.
The show made it feel like that was ok, or maybe I was just crazy hormonal watching it first time and it's stuck with me 😂
Either way! Enjoy x

I do think that these groups change a lot around the 9-15 month stage when people head back to work and have more on their plate. It seems to shift from deeper discussions of problems, experiences and issues to more of a playdate with light chitchat.

I have since met a lovely friend at soft play & another at the barbers whilst getting my DC first hair cut!

Often when you lose one friend unjustly, you get two better ones.

I hope your little one is doing well, OP.

Sorry this happened to you.

Try & see this as dodging a bullet instead of a loss. These woman sound like they are not authentic people. If they exclude you like this then I’m sure someone else will be next soon enough.

Try not to dwell on them & be glad they showed who they are. Join other groups & keep being you.

Well said. Negative nancies on this thread giving me a headache, all the best @candlesflamesandbrooms and to you @Catguru, you sound great too good for those NCT lot anyway! 😀

@Avondale89

"What is this bizarre idea that women need to be nice to other women, solely based on gender? It’s so strange to me. People don’t owe you anything just because you both happen to be women they have a right to set their own boundaries."

I mean we should try to treat another humans with kindness where we can, the world is shitty enough without adding to it. That's nothing to do with gender. Sure it's not a requirement but personally just because you can be a asshole doesn't mean you should actually be a asshole (as the saying goes)

The group are allowed to say no not for me, but they didn't actually say anything to op and that cowardess .
People can set boundaries but usually they voice them, not set up secret meetings and don't own those boundaries.

If they had the confidence to discuss op badly to one another (obviously to set up the meeting)then they should have the same confidence to say it to OPs face.
But some people lack a spine...

It sounds like you may have put a lot on them, when they just wanted a chat and relax.

Because women are the only people who give birth because we have vaginas? And therefore have something major in common? 😂cannot believe you want to turn this into a gender discussion, go find the sex and gender thread if you want to start putting up the pistols for this wingy old tune... Jeeeeez #boring

Sorry OP.

It's them not you. Don't need friends like them!!

What is this bizarre idea that women need to be nice to other women, solely based on gender? It’s so strange to me. People don’t owe you anything just because you both happen to be women they have a right to set their own boundaries. Also the OP made the story public and asked for opinions.

NCT groups are a bizarre concept to me anyway. Why would I want to be true friends with someone solely because she is a woman, happens to live close to me and has had a baby at the same time?

It is horrible to be on the receiving end of this. However, I had a friend once who, after the birth of her child, did nothing only complain, look for reassurance from me, constantly tell me I was a "great support" etc. It was so draining as everyone has their own life problems. Every time we met for coffee I had to listen to her traumas/trials & tribulations. It got extremely wearing and draining. I felt like she sucked the life out of me.
I'm not saying you're like this OP. I don't know you at all and I can't say what you've been offloading to these women. I was in NCT and there comes a point where all the baby stuff becomes more background and the fun, coffee and a few wines becomes more the norm. Perhaps you thought you were joining something a little different and maybe because your expectation was different to the others, you didn't evolve at the same speed? Just from my own experience, thats the way things went in my NCT.

Hahaha omg please yes! How do we start it? Pm each other WhatsApp details? I usually turn how dreadful things feel / are into comedy situation anyway.... That's the problem with these stiff upper lip groups ...

Omg I know sorry I PMd you after I realised I didn't use quotes so it looked like I was replying to you! Thanks for your lovely comment! My other comment was for the one before my response where she called OP "casual friend" gosh what am I like making a mess all over this thread 😂

I think we need an alternative NCT rejects group @Catguru, @Battenbergcoconutice, @candlesflamesandbrooms and some of the others. 😊

Ahh I was being genuine (I have asd) sorry I wasn't being sarcastic. Genuinely wish I had met different people in NCT ones who weren't lalala isn't everything rosy every single day with a newborn.

All the ones at my NCT acted like they had just birthed the next genius who is speaking French aged 0 (or maybe they were just sniffing glue and I missed it 😅)

Haha I'm a character that's for sure! Never a dull moment ;) I was the only one drinking a prosecco at our first mum meet up...

You have completely misunderstood OPs post and background story. Nice one 😂

@Battenbergcoconutice for that last sentence alone in your post.

I wish you had been in NCT group. You sound fab ❤️