Sneaky mums

OP, why do you think they’ve excluded you?

You posted information and when people responded based on what you posted, you backtracked and changed the narrative.

This 100%!

Hi OP,

It has clearly been a very difficult experience for you. What I hope is you will recover, then reflect and look back at this situation and think about what happened.

From what you have said, it sounds like they feel you moan too much but you do not agree. I have no way of knowing if they are being awful or you did read the room wrong. However I find in these situations, time gives you perspective. In a recent situation I realise I could have behaved better. In a 2021 situation, I know I was right.

Give yourself time and revisit when feelings are less 'hot'.

*you're

Your looking for a real supportive connection, they just want a superficial chat. You probably need to find friends with more range op

YANBU but neither are they. They didn't set out to hurt you, they are allowed to find you draining and to have their own meet-ups. The fact that you are 10 years younger would mean they have very different lives to you and different concerns, you were friends while you had sth in common but as the baby phase ends, you just don't anymore. You didn't need to confront them either, say hi and move on.

Tbf arguably you did say something.

You didn't randomly ghost.

I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me

This but stood out for me.

It sounds like you were too intense and became complacent about their help.

It’s good that the group provided a support for you when you were a new mum, but it’s not their job to reassure you and help you. It’s lovely when people do that but it sounds like you became dependent on them and they felt stifled by you.

Obviously everyone's entitled to do whatever they want, but I find it honestly baffling that you can discuss the problem with the group. But not with the person you have an issue with ?

Apart from being an emotional vampire, she said something quite cruel to one of the group and I and another mum did call her out on it but she wasn’t interested - said the offended mum was being over sensitive and doubled down on what she said 🤷🏻‍♀️ Everyone had had enough of her by that point after putting up with her previous comments/behaviour. There was no more to say to her that wouldn’t have just been an unproductive character assassination and I certainly felt it wasn’t my place to do that and had no interest in helping her with self improvement etc. Unfortunately the apple didn’t fall far from the tree and her 7 year old son has got a reputation for being the class bully and other children tend to avoid him.

Agree with this. The group lacked empathy and one way to look at it is they got you through maternity leave, now you can look for newer friends more aligned to your interests.
You've been through a very difficult time so this has hit harder than expected and it would be a good idea if you could talk to someone or get some help to come to terms with that difficult time
It doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to talk to friends and share the load at all.
This lot were just not in that mind frame and were not that nice really.
I also think that being nearly a decade age difference in the group played a part. Not saying that you can't have friends of different ages. But I know what it is like to be the only one in a to have a significant age gap - when my youngest went to school. You sound like a lively intelligent person who won't have trouble making new friends of any age and will find some friendship groups who are kinder. Enjoy your baby and try not to let this weigh you down.

@Catguru you said the other mums said you moaned too much. You need to take it on the chin and accept that you were not the fun company you thought you were. You come across as a bit prickly tbh.

*rude

It sounds like you weren't their type of person in the beginning. It's no fault of your own and says more about them than you. Your group clearly progressed beyond the regular nct stuff if you kept in contact daily and have attended weddings. That I would consider friendship so the way they excluded you was ride and hurtful.

It will have no bearing on your child and as he moves through playgroups, nursery or school you will meet parents you enjoy having a chat with and some might progress to friendships. If they don't that is OK too. I have two school aged kids who are doing well making friends but I wouldn't say I'm close at all to their parents, I'm pleasant in the playground but almost always in a rush.

Clearly thta wasn't their experience.

And I agree with PP, when you have small kids you just don't have the extra to give to a needy new friend who brings you down.

Hmm, I agree with this.

I bet it's been a horrible experience for you but equally it sounds like they didn't set out to hurt you and in fact were trying to spare your feelings. Friendship is a voluntary thing and if you were really bringing down the group dynamic or directing all the convernsations to your problems then it's ok for them to choose not to want to spend time on that anymore. Sometimes it's easy to get into a bit of a weird dynamic with a particular group, so maybe see if you can reflect on what they have said.

Whilst hard to hear, be glad they were brave enough to say why you hadn’t been invited. This way it is possible to rebuild the friendship if you agree that your company isn’t always the best. Maybe seeing this group with the mindset of not talking to them about your trauma will lift your spirits. Meanwhile you could look to getting some therapy to overcome the trauma.
I was guilty of being a fun sponge during an incredibly stressful and worrying time and sadly lost a group of friends. They weren’t mean, just moved on. They looked forward to fun times together and I put a dampener on things. I’d do things differently now but it’s history.

Just a small thing, you mentioned collective mental well-being so I'm assuming you discussed the issues with others in the group .

Did you ever discuss it with the women you stopped inviting ?

Obviously everyone's entitled to do whatever they want, but I find it honestly baffling that you can discuss the problem with the group. But not with the person you have a issue with ?

I suppose the argument maybe that you didn't want the drama, but then I suppose I would see having a collective discussion about one singular person also drama making.

NCT groups are a little notorious for this unfortunately. It’s a shame when you think you have supportive friends and they aren’t.

However, my rule of thumb - very close friends/family share problems
friend groups that you don’t know well- try to add some value and that means not sharing problems. Wish I had known this earlier!

Don’t worry OP you will meet lots more people at playgroup/nursery/school etc.

Sorry you found out in such a horrible way. Ine friend accused me of moaning about my ex (we get along these days and I hadn’t mentioned him once) and I realised that me mentioning everyday things about my life was apparently uncomfortable for her, even though I wasn’t moaning. People can be strange at times

Sorry this happened to you OP, it sounds extremely hurtful the way you found out that you were no longer part of the group. I’m not saying I think you were like this, but there were five women in my NCT group and four of us did end up meeting regularly without the 5th - she was so competitive about every single little thing and was a complete energy drain. Not only that she was pretty bitchy too, making comments about others weight and appearance. It all just got too much.

Normally I would be totally against leaving just one person out but for our collective mental health we kind of had to. I’m sure if she told things from her point of view, we were extremely out of order to stop seeing her, but mine and her kids actually ended up at the same school, and unfortunately for her this woman has managed to alienate most of the school mums with the same types of behaviour all these years later so some people never change.

For your situation OP, if you were going to each other’s weddings and planning holidays together though, there must have been something specific for them to suddenly turn against you. Is one of the group more approachable than the others? Would it be worth meeting them one to one to try and get to the bottom of things?

Gosh, I hope some posters here don't ever find themselves struggling and feeling down and in need of people to chat to!! The OPs updates clearly show that the group all shared their woes - that's what the NCT group is for surely? In mine, we all had our problems, and we discussed them and helped each other through them at the beginning. I would never have excluded someone because they were having a hard time and wanted to talk about it - I would have encouraged them to talk about it to see if I could help. Our group faded in the end, but we had a good few years pre-school where we were there for each other. This will not impact your child in any way. That's ridiculous. You will find other friends and groups who are more sympathetic, kind and understanding. As a new mum, it is essential to discuss things that are worrying you with others - I often found that mentioning things I was worried about meant that other people opened up about their problems. It made me feel less alone. Your description of what happened doesn't suggest to me at all that you were overly negative and I don't understand the posters who seem to be focusing on this. These people weren't the right people for you and that's ok. You had a hard time and deserved more understanding.

It sounds like you’ve had a really hard time OP but these nct mums aren’t there to be therapists and listen to your woes. I think private help could be really helpful for you.

I have found that in groups new people who are negative/down are often avoided, they aren’t friends. They’re relatively new acquaintances and the groups have been so much brighter and relaxed without the struggling party.

As for if this will impact your child? Quite possibly, when mine were at school there were often mums who were avoided in the playground.

Do you think there may have been others who felt left out when you split from the main group?