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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL excludes me from conversations

89 replies

Gemmabw · 21/05/2023 20:00

My relationship with my MIL is starting to make me feel stressed and unhappy and I dread seeing her mainly because she completely excludes me from conversations by speaking in her first language with my husband even when they are talking about me or my daughter.

Some background: MIL lives in the UK and has done for 45 years. Her English isn't perfect but she can sustain a conversation and understand as long as people aren't speaking very quickly or with a lot of slang /accent she doesn't know.

She has always just spoken to my husband in her first language (he was born in the UK and is fully bilingual) and makes very little effort to speak to me in English. I have a very basic level of competency in her language - not enough to follow or join in with a natural conversation.

Before we had a baby I didn't really care all that much as she lives about 3 hours away and we used to visit a couple of times a year. I'd grin and bear it and accept that it was her home, her right to speak whatever language she chose and it would just be a long and not very fun visit for me. We were together for over 10 years before baby and I rarely saw MIL so it was no big deal .

Since DD arrived a year ago, she has wanted to see her every 4-6 weeks and has started coming to visit us (she never did this before).
She'll be polite and greet me, ask how I am etc. but mainly ignores me for the 2-3 days that she stays with us and only speaks to DH. When she plays with DD she speaks to her in her own language.

What's upset me is that now the visits are much more frequent it seems like it's more difficult to just grin and bear it. I know that the conversation is often about DD and I frequently hear my name and my daughter's name come up. I love taking about my LO (who doesn't!?) and it would be such an easy way for us to build a better relationship but she doesn't say much back when I start a conversation and addresses all questions/comments to my husband.

When I've tried to broach this with DH he gets very defensive and says it's no different to me and my mum having a conversation about something from my childhood or someone he doesn't know or a topic that interests us but not him. I don't feel it's the same because he understands everything we are saying and has a choice if he takes part in the conversation.
I now dread her visits and DH says I just don't like her.

Am I being unreasonable or is MIL's (and DH's) behaviour just rude?

OP posts:
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Nclktnntt · 03/06/2023 18:19

What I wouldn't accept though - not would

Nclktnntt · 03/06/2023 18:15

Here's a suggestion that might be completely out there - how about asking her to teach you their language and you help her with her English. From what you say it sounds like she's not confident in English, even though she's lived here and she can get by, her native tongue will always take over. It's easier and quicker for her esp because your husband understands - I do think though, he should reply in English for your sake so you can follow along and he should translate for you too, again so you're involved.

I'm sharing this part as I feel I get where his mom is coming from - My OH was raised in Britain but his family are from overseas and he was brought up speaking their language. He's completely bilingual and I've been learning their language for years - im not gifted at languages and find it difficult - I can follow a conversation, mostly , and could get by talking if I had too but confidence wise when talking to any native speaker, esp his family, I revert to English, my brain literally forgets everything I know until later on, way past the conversation has finished of all the things I could have said come flooding forward. In my case his immediate family all speak brilliant English. Better than me arguably 😂 but still his nan (who's lived here for around 45 years too) mostly talks in her native tongue, if I don't understand I get my OH to translate everything. My OH and anyone around the table who speak English tend to reply in English apart from his dad, who was born abroad and moved here for some time, then back there now so English is his second language but again, he'll translate if I ask because his English is fine. The only time my OH replies in their tongue is when the person doesn't speak English. But he'll translate if I've not caught what was said.

I think your husband should make more effort to help you feel included, esp as you've said how you feel. This will also open the conversation up between the two of you too. I think making her speak English in your house is harsh and unfair. Plus she's the best one to teach your child their language. What I would accept is if the only time it happened was to talk about my parenting or how I raised my child and other times she'd talk in English that I would find incredibly rude and wouldn't stand for.

Sorry this reply got long. But just food for thought maybe.

PointlessTrophy · 03/06/2023 16:56

Sandylanes69 · 22/05/2023 21:09

Tell that to 99% of British "expats" (economic migrants).

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Well said. Expats are very special though. A cut above the standard immigrant 🙄

Nanny0gg · 03/06/2023 16:52

ShinyShite · 21/05/2023 22:53

I think YABU.

It's your husband's first language yet you're acting like it's somehow inferior to English because that's the language you grew up speaking.

Why don't you make more effort to learn the language to a level where you are fairly fluent instead of expecting your in-laws to make all the effort?

It's not his first language, he was born in the UK. He is bilingual

PointlessTrophy · 03/06/2023 16:37

The intent would matter. Is she a sweet friendly mil stumbling over her English? Or a sly sneaky woman trying to exclude you?

My parents are from overseas but always speak English in front of my husband. Not perfect English but they get by well
enough. They even speak English to each other when he is around so he isn’t excluded which amuses me.

It should be much easier for the mil
to learn English if she lives here. The op is not immersed in the new language and with a young kid, is going to have very little conversational practice. I expect the mil has not bothered to make the effort to learn English. She has had long enough.

Is OP trying to raise a bilingual child? I missed that.

Anyway, intent is everything.

Firsttimemummy23 · 03/06/2023 16:23

My MIL ignores me in English if that helps and all the family joins in now ...

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 22/05/2023 21:43

Have Google Translate open on your phone and use the microphone option so that it translates the audio. Once she realises you have a way to understand what she's saying she may speak more English.

GoodChat · 22/05/2023 21:27

@silverfullmoon but the MIL can and does speak English. She prefers to just speak to her DS in her native language.

If it's as unusual a language as OP claims, she probably doesn't have many people she can speak her native tongue with.

Sandylanes69 · 22/05/2023 21:09

silverfullmoon · 22/05/2023 20:37

I think its rude AF to move to a country where you have no intention of communicating with anyone in that country when you LIVE there. Its the height of arrogance.

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Tell that to 99% of British "expats" (economic migrants).

silverfullmoon · 22/05/2023 20:37

GoodChat · 22/05/2023 09:16

Of course it does if she is talking about her in front of her and noone is translating. Irs rude AF

I think it's rude AF to marry into a family that primarily interact in another language and make no effort to learn it to be able to communicate with them

I think its rude AF to move to a country where you have no intention of communicating with anyone in that country when you LIVE there. Its the height of arrogance.

Original poster
Gemmabw · 22/05/2023 20:06

Thanks all for your replies. It's given me a lot to think about and made it a bit clearer for me what exactly my issue is.

To address a few of the comments:

I don't disagree with the many comments saying I should learn the language but it's not something that's going to help the situation short term. It's a non-European language which I did start learning a few years ago, pre-baby (it's gone on the back burner since DD arrived as I don't have much in the way of free time to dedicate to studying right now!)
Unfortunately it's not a language you tend to find on language learning apps and there aren't the same number of resources available as something like French or Spanish. I've found a couple of good YouTube channels and podcasts but they rarely go beyond the basics. DH finds it fun to teach me the odd phrase but wouldn't be able to explain grammar rules etc.
Right now, if they were talking about directions to the station or what to buy at the market, I'd be all over it! But following a natural fast-paced conversation between two family members feels like it's years away. (I also speak two other languages to a good conversational/working standard and don't think I'd be able to follow that sort of conversation in either of them.)

Totally agree and understand that it will feel very unnatural for DH to speak English to his mum and I'm really not that bothered about being included when they are gossiping about relatives or talking about the renovations she wants to make on her home etc. I am bothered when it's about me or DD.

I would love my daughter to grow up with the gift of bilingualism but know that it will be challenging as the only people that she will hear speaking it will be DH and MIL.
I have no problem with either of them speaking to her in their language. DH is a bit inconsistent with speaking it to DD but is trying.
I do hope that if she does grow up bilingual, we will teach her a bit of 'bi/multi-lingual etiquette'.

Most useful comments are probably the ones that encouraged me to use her visits to take a break! I think she'd be delighted to look after DD for a hour while I went out for a walk or a coffee (all while listen to a language learning podcast of course!!!)

Thanks all :)

OP posts:
Sandylanes69 · 22/05/2023 11:21

This reply has been deleted

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MeridianB · 22/05/2023 10:03

When I've tried to broach this with DH he gets very defensive and says it's no different to me and my mum having a conversation about something from my childhood or someone he doesn't know or a topic that interests us but not him.

Your H sounds like a total arse. His response is ridiculous.

Next time she visits, I'd say something in front of both of them - be calm and polite and say you'd appreciate it if they could speak English in front of you.

If the response is anything other than 'Sure - no problem, sorry!' then I'd ask them to explain why.

GettingStuffed · 22/05/2023 10:02

Get your DH to teach you the language too, unless it's Finnish or Turkish it should be attainable.

Theroad · 22/05/2023 10:00

It's so strange that people are saying you're wrong for not learning the language when your MIL has had almost half a century to learn English and she bloody lives in England! It's very difficult to learn a language to fluency or even conversational level when you are not immersed in it. MIL is obviously rude and stubborn if she has lived in the UK for so long and still can't be bothered to include you. It speaks to her character.

What country is she from - anywhere nice? Maybe book yourself a language learning trip there the next time she comes to your house to get away from the horrible cow!

Crispyturtle · 22/05/2023 09:58

I would start asking your husband to translate every single thing your MIL says, on the pretence of wanting to join in and be friendly with your MiL. He’ll soon get totally fed up with the situation 😆

NewUserName2023 · 22/05/2023 09:19

You have a husband problem. If DMiL speaks to your DH whilst you're in the room, he should respond in english or translate for you. Deliberately excluding you from their conversation for 3 days in your own home is downright rude.

GoodChat · 22/05/2023 09:16

Of course it does if she is talking about her in front of her and noone is translating. Irs rude AF

I think it's rude AF to marry into a family that primarily interact in another language and make no effort to learn it to be able to communicate with them

Enko · 22/05/2023 09:13

Op I'm bilingual i rarely speak my native tongue when dh is around (who doesn't speak it at all)

I am in 2 minds here if the intention is to bring up dd bilingual then she needs to hear the minority luange spoken. However I feel your dh is not supportive here. I translate to dh if he is spoken of in my birth language to keep him included. Could dh do this?

Enko · 22/05/2023 09:09

MissyB1 · 21/05/2023 21:39

Her husband’s language is English - he was born in UK, he can also speak his mother’s language.

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The husband is bilingual. He has 2 languages. Not simply English.

PacificState · 22/05/2023 08:57

It feels like you're all using language as a weapon (within OP's family) tbh. You and your MIL (and possibly your DH too) are using it as a passive aggressive way to signal that each of you is unhappy about someone else's attitude!

Yes it's rude to have conversations in your hearing that you can't understand (wouldn't be rude to do it sometimes but it is rude to do it 99% of the time). But it is also rude and passive aggressive of you to have made no attempt to learn your husband's family's language.

The couples I know who speak different languages from birth have all made serious efforts (night schools, language courses, speaking the other language exclusively on holiday etc) to become properly fluent.

And yes it's a huge boon for your baby to learn a second language from birth. Massive, massive plus for their cognition and facility with language as they grow older.

Put some serious effort into learning their language and then show them the results. And then (maybe in their language!) tell them you'd really appreciate it if they met you halfway when they're in your house.

billy1966 · 22/05/2023 08:47

I think it is rude and your husband is very dismissive.

She is visiting very regularly and this will not work if this continues.

Be wary of a husband who cares so little for making an effort to include you.

This is your home too, but it doesn't sound like it.

Thighlengthboots · 22/05/2023 08:40

My H is not British and speaks another language. My MIL lives abroad and cannot speak english. I dont expect her to because she doesnt live here. However, whenever we are together, H translates and Ive tried to pick up a bit of the language. I would find it incredibly rude to be left out of long conversations where I am mentioned and DH always tries to translate to ensure I am included. Equally, if I am talking to DH he will translate for MIL. If he didnt do that I would feel just as pissed off.

swayingpalmtree · 22/05/2023 08:35

GoodChat · 22/05/2023 07:53

@swayingpalmtree OP has also had a decade to learn, and OP's DH has been learning his whole life. What OP's MIL has or hasn't done should have no bearing on their daughter's opportunities

Of course it does if she is talking about her in front of her and noone is translating. Irs rude AF

W0tnow · 22/05/2023 08:32

I love that people are saying ‘learn the language’ like it’s the easiest thing in the world. It’s not. It’s especially not with a baby. It’s especially not with young kids and a job. It’s much easier if you’ve been in the country for years and years, with grown up children, like, oh, your MIL.

Its rude to exclude someone in this manner.