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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Resenting men for finding me attractive

39 replies

Perlosa · 20/05/2023 21:11

I may be having some sort of identity issue. Just prefacing.

So, I've had clinical depression since my late teens. Has been managed with medication and psychological treatment. Just after Christmas I had a bit of a breakdown. There was something so terrifying about entering the year I turn 30 and not having achieved anything meaningful (to me).

On paper I am successful. Considered conventionally beautiful, good figure and intelligent.

Anyway, I gained a lot of weight at the beginning of the year and allowed mother nature to reclaim me. i have very thick, dark hair so it is very easy to impersonate a cave woman. I have long hair hair which is complimented often but only if it is styled daily, otherwise, I truly look like Hagrid.

I gave up caring about my appearance and it was clear that I was no longer a head turner. That in and of itself did not bother me.

It's just now that I have lost the weight (basically by starving myself) that I have issues. Men have started paying attention again. The man I am on the verge of starting a relationship with would not have looked twice at me several months ago. May have even made a nasty judgement. I almost hate him for it. For the superficiality, the fickleness. It's weak in my eyes. I just dont know what to do with these feelings.

AIBU?

OP posts:
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NeedToChangeName · 21/05/2023 19:57

Perlosa · 20/05/2023 21:59

I lost 3 stone.

I can lose weight very easily when i find myself repulsive. Have always lost weight one way; fast for 6 days (strictly water only, maybe a broth of water and cayenne pepper) and then a "treat" in the form of a Deliveroo on Sundays. Have always lost weight this way. Only weigh I can do it. Not encouraging this at all but I'm an all or nothing kind of person. Psychiatrist said "you, think?" when I came to this conclusion once.

Please don't lose weight this way. My joints are very clichy now.

Eating one meal week? I don't see how you could survive that

BitOutOfPractice · 21/05/2023 19:53

@Perlosa the entirety of the thread has been about being judged by appearances - by yourself or others. So maybe the “and intelligent” aside I overlooked.

I agree with PPs that I think you need to to get to grips with your own issues around your appearance and self worth before you think about a relationship.

I really do wish you all the best. And hope you can find some peace with who you are.

Bearpawk · 21/05/2023 09:30

Op this isn't about weight. You really need to get help for your trauma or I don't think you'll be able to have a iced full relationship with anybody.

Pickledmeg · 21/05/2023 08:55

I mean this gently and kindly, but it sounds like you need to work on yourself before considering a relationship. It doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong but if you feel this way towards him because you're assuming it's how he feels then that's unfair on him and it won't end well.

Garethkeenansstapler · 21/05/2023 08:54

Huh? I don’t understand your OP at all. Are you attracted to this man? If he grew his hair like Hagrid and had the body of James Corden, would you still be attracted to him?

QueefQueen80s · 21/05/2023 08:52

MsCactus · 21/05/2023 01:04

I found this exact thing when I was heavily pregnant. I'm usually quite attractive and men I meet are extra nice to me - when I was v pregnant, swollen face/hands etc and out of breathe, all the niceness from random men stopped.

I found it quite annoying - now at five months pp I've slimmed down and men are back to being lovely to me again 🙄

Gross isn't it, it's like you're not a person worthy of niceness if you have weight on you. The truth is these types of men see us as bits of fuckable meat and the niceness is a come on. Whereas women are nice because they just want to be nice.
I have 2/3 stone I vary between and the treatment I get varies massively. And the heavier weight is only size 14.

nodogz · 21/05/2023 08:06

I'm the nicest way, I think you're too vulnerable for a relationship. You are starting to recognise red flags but you are confused about next steps.

A quality you need in a long term partner is kindness and its rarer to find than it should be. From what you've said I don't think this guy is exhibiting kindness.

There are a lot of men who unconsciously see women's value in their attractiveness (it's to do with their social status). These men will not help you raise a family except financially.

You are worthy of a happy, supportive relationship. You are more than your looks and job.

Achwheesht · 21/05/2023 07:30

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Achwheesht · 21/05/2023 07:28

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Achwheesht · 21/05/2023 07:26

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Mummadeze · 21/05/2023 07:19

My weight fluctuates enormously and I kind of understand what you mean. But, I also think that when I am at a weight I consider acceptable by my own standards, I give off a much more confident and approachable vibe. Plus, like you, my grooming is a lot better when I am not in a binging phase, and that in itself is surely more attractive. Am so sorry to read about your childhood, it must be very hard to form
a healthy balanced relationship for you, as it is me for different reasons. I hope you make progress with your therapy and that if you do try dating this acquaintance he turns out to be kind and good for you.

Original poster
Perlosa · 21/05/2023 01:28

@Mrsmillshorse

I was physically abused as a child. Slippers, remotes, coat hangers were all commonly used.

There were also fairly cruel punishments from both parents which have scarred me emotionally. E.g. my father once spat on me and I remember my mother trying to shove a pair of soiled knickers (period) in my mouth. Have even worse memories which I just can't allow myself to think of. Its very hard because my brother often says things to the effect of "yeah, but we were bad kids". We really weren't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perlosa · 21/05/2023 01:22

More important, do you think he is attractive?

Yes, he did make a comment about my profile pic on WhatsApp which was thoughtless. It was very odd for me to share that I probably have body dysmorphia and he still chose to comment about me physically.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perlosa · 21/05/2023 01:19

Thanks for the kind messages. Sadly, I'll always be overly concerned with how others perceive me. Very exhausting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perlosa · 21/05/2023 01:16

I did have an eating disorder during my A-Level and University. Obviously, continue to have an unhealthy relationship with food. In 2nd year, I once locked myself in my room and didn't eat for 11 days as I wanted to feel good in my bikini.

I did have a psychologist drop me as they felt my food issues contributed heavily to my GAD/depressive disorder.

Just sharing the above as I've spent the better part of a decade "working on myself". And have made absolutely no progress. I just want to get on with it now.

OP posts:
Hairday · 21/05/2023 01:15

Eh, maybe I misread your post. Maybe this guy is shallow, maybe not. Hard to say. More important, do you think he is attractive?

Hairday · 21/05/2023 01:11

Try not to care how attractive you are to men! Remember, they have sex with goats when there are no women available. Their attraction to you is in no way a measure of your success as a human. I know, society is always grooming us to think it's the most important quality we have, but it's a slavish mentality. You are worth more.

Original poster
Perlosa · 21/05/2023 01:10

@BitOutOfPractice

I mean, your version of successful is to have a good figure? Really?

Your decision not to include the fact I described myself as intelligent isn't exactly fair (objectively true...went to one of if not the best grammar school in the country, LSE grad, first job was a Times Top 100 grad scheme etc). Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that despite outward appearances of "success", I consider my life a failed experiment.

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 21/05/2023 01:06

If you feel this way about the guy, you could try asking him about it /talking to him. He may surprise you. If not, end things.

MsCactus · 21/05/2023 01:04

I found this exact thing when I was heavily pregnant. I'm usually quite attractive and men I meet are extra nice to me - when I was v pregnant, swollen face/hands etc and out of breathe, all the niceness from random men stopped.

I found it quite annoying - now at five months pp I've slimmed down and men are back to being lovely to me again 🙄

LadyJ2023 · 21/05/2023 00:35

Mrsmillshorse · 20/05/2023 23:41

Have you ever looked into your childhood to unpick how you became "clinically depressed " ?

Have you heard anything about depression being a trauma response?

I was diagnosed with a bunch of issues, put on various drugs from 20s-30s. Turns out there was nothing wrong with me though, I just had the misfortune to have an abusive mother.

Power of Now was my starting point to unpick it all and claim my life for myself. Worth a shot

Not all depressions have anything whatsoever to do with any traumas actually. The majority are brain chemical imbalances and need to be helped, controlled with the right medications. If there not just like any other illnesses you will become very ill.
To the poster, if anyone in your situation came to our counciling sessions we would first highly recommend you had been to see a medical professional or Dr you clearly need some help with regard to several issues. Starving your body and then over filling with a weekend takeaway that in itself is not normal behaviour and in itself can cause alsorts of health issues including depressions.If your not already please get yourself help, until youve fixed yourself a relationship is neither healthy for you or the person you start it with right now.

Grumpy67i8 · 21/05/2023 00:35

I think you need to focus on your mental health first. The “diet” you are describing is actually quite disturbing and the way you talk about yourself and this poor man is not very nice. You have plenty of time to meet a suitable man but you won’t be making any good choices in men while you’re in this very unhealthy headspace.

Take some time off dating, focus on health and be kind to yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2023 00:33

UWhatNow · 21/05/2023 00:27

I think some of these posts are absolute sexist bullshit. YANBU op to want someone to find you attractive because of who you are, not how you look superficially. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate and resent attraction that is shallow. Perhaps others have a low bar?

Get a grip, already. Being, or not being, physically attracted to someone, for any reason, does not make anyone shallow. In most relationships, physical attraction plays a very large role, especially at the beginning.

UWhatNow · 21/05/2023 00:27

I think some of these posts are absolute sexist bullshit. YANBU op to want someone to find you attractive because of who you are, not how you look superficially. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate and resent attraction that is shallow. Perhaps others have a low bar?

BitOutOfPractice · 21/05/2023 00:26

It seems to me op that it’s you, you are the one putting all the emphasis on looks. I mean, your version of successful is to have a good figure? Really?

Yet you resent men who prioritise exactly the things you apparently do too

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